Warner Bros. recently announced “The Lord of the Rings: The Hunt for Gollum,” an artistically bankrupt effort to rip Andy Serkis away from 20th Century Studios’ Planet of the Apes franchise so he can do motion capture for them, instead. While the report of Gollum’s capture may be one of the more dull untold stories of the saga, there are even more pointless tales from the legendarium that should be told. Here are ten characters that deserve their own spinoff.
Tom Bombadil
There. You happy? Do you actually want this? Really? Just two hours of a stocky little guy in yellow boots gallivanting around the forest? Maybe singing some cute little songs? Solving problems throughout the woods with his ineffable powers? You know what, I’m gonna move on before I talk myself into this.
Figwit
This guy is present at the Council of Elrond, so he’s got to be pretty important. I imagine he got up to all sorts of stuff before and after the audience met him. Maybe he was an observer at Morgoth’s binding, or perhaps he was just off to the side as Frodo boarded the ship that would take him from the Grey Havens to the Undying Lands.
Curmudgeonly Hobbit Sweeping Walkway
One of Peter Jackson’s most contentious decisions while making The Lord of the Rings films was his omission of the Scouring of the Shire, a section of the novels where Frodo and his hobbit companions must rally their countrymen to reclaim their land from outside invaders led by the corrupted wizard Saruman. It shows that the wider conflict has not spared their idyllic homeland.
In the films, however, the Shire is spared. The four hobbits return to find their country unchanged, despite the growth they have experienced themselves. They find that they no longer fit into this land the way that they used to. Frodo is so traumatized that he eventually leaves Middle-Earth entirely. Young Merry and Pippin return as heroes, ready to lead. Sam—okay, Sam doesn’t really change. This theme is underlined by the shot of an older hobbit watching them return as he sweeps his front walk, just as he was doing when they left.
I want to know what this guy’s been up to. What other chores does he have? Has he experienced any other moments of transient joy, like when he saw Gandalf delight the hobbit children with his fireworks? Just how dirty does that walkway get, anyway?
Barliman Butterbur
Just do fantasy “Cheers.” Butterbur is Coach, Nob is Sam, and Rosie Cotton runs away to Bree for a few years to fill the Diane role. It basically writes itself.
Mouth of Sauron
Cut from the theatrical edition of “Return of the King,” the Mouth of Sauron is the Dark Lord’s herald. Not very much is known about him, except for the fact that he is some kind of sorcerer or magician. There’s our hook. We see his rise from a lowly birthday performer, all the way to a prestigious Vegas residency. After incurring more gambling debt than he can pay, his assistant dies during a tragic and suspicious accident during his performance. Disgraced, he is forced to seek work at the only place that would take him—Mordor.
Gothmog
This guy kind of comes out of nowhere, and I’d like to know more about him. I’m not curious about why he shares a name with an infamous balrog, but I do want to know if he ever got caught up in some treasure-hunting escapades with his criminal family. Maybe he even befriended a young boy who was with a rival treasure-hunting group after being offered a candy bar.
Celeborn
This is a classic boomer sitcom where a henpecked husband must endure being constantly outfoxed by his disproportionately attractive wife. I’m sure the elves of Lorien can make a very comfortable easy chair out of a mallorn tree.
Dwarf Who Was About to Volunteer for the Fellowship Right Before Gimli Did
Gimli wasn’t the only dwarf at the Council of Elrond. He was just the quickest to stand up. Imagine how this guy must have felt. A little relieved, sure, but the FOMO would be through the roof. Did he just go home, wondering about what could have been and assuming that he would be able to kill more orcs than any elf? I’ve got to know!
The Moth Gandalf Whispered To
I mean, this must have been some adventure. A moth traveling over 400 miles to deliver a message to a bunch of giant eagles? I guess that some butterflies migrate vast distances, but I don’t think they do it solo. I want to see how this guy avoided getting eaten, swatted down, or just plain exhausted as he traversed the length of the Misty Mountains. It sounds like a harrowing tale.
Bill the Pony
I may have sounded sarcastic in the last entry, but I need to be clear that I unironically want a Bill the Pony movie. He found his way back to Bree all the way from Moria! That’s an incredible journey, which is literally the title of a film where animals find their way back home against incredible odds! Since we never technically see him reunite with Sam in the movies, I think we all deserve a scene where the hobbit stands despondent at The Prancing Pony, bemoaning how Bill was just too old for the trip—only to see the tiny stallion trot over the horizon at that exact moment. Please, Peter Jackson, make this happen.
