HACKENSACK, N.J. — Budget-conscious gamer Max Turner began shaking his Corsair K95 mechanical keyboard over a ceramic dinner plate after noticing a tempting vein of congealed cheese dip beneath the ‘E’ key, according to close sources.
“Look, I’m not made of money,” said Turner, tonguing pretzel salt out of the gaps in his $200 keyboard. “My shit-sucking parents only send me $400 a month. That’s what, 6 AAA games? I keep asking them to send me money for food, but I just get these annoying checks. At a certain point, you need to get nourishment where you can find it.”
Turner’s live-in girlfriend, Catie Moore, expressed concern about his money-saving habits.
“I’m worried about him,” Moore told reporters. “He’s been looking really pale lately. I don’t know how long you can survive on Dorito shards and dried sour cream, y’know? We have plenty of fresh produce in the fridge, but he keeps telling me its not ‘Gamer Fuel.’ I don’t know what that means. He said a ‘real gamer girlfriend’ would buy him ‘Gamer Fuel.’ Please, someone, tell me what that means. I think I’m going to lose him.”
After Moore posted a tearful response to Turner’s keyboard-based diet on Twitter, Corsair CEO Andy Paul took notice and announced plans to roll out an all-new refrigerated model.
“Millions upon millions of food particles are stored in our products every year,” said Paul in a series of tweets. “It’s time we acknowledge the keyboard for what it really is: the gamer’s pantry. That’s why we’re announcing KeyKool — our innovative new technology to keep keyboard crumbs fresh, crisp, and accessible.”
At press time, Turner was sucking on a DualShock 4 controller while his girlfriend, Moore, cried quietly in the bathroom.
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