MUSHROOM KINGDOM — The perverted Dr. Mario has disgraced the medical community once again after stitching together three goomba victims butthole-to-head in a vertical stack, calling his creation a “goomba-centipede,” according to incredibly disturbed sources.
“You have a-been a-selected for a very important experiment-a,” Dr. Mario said to the three terrified goombas, according to those familiar with the situation. “I am-a the leading a-surgeon in separating a-siamese twins. I am also a-known for throwing a-pills down like a game of a-Tetris and making them a-disappear if there are four of the a-same color in a row. These two facets of my a-background have inspired me to create the a-goomba-centipede.”
Police who arrived first to the scene said it was the most distressing environment they had ever encountered.
“This sick sack of shit is a terrorist in my view,” said Officer Koopaling. “This guy goes around stomping our people, destroying our infrastructure, and now torturing poor goombas. Goomba stacking is a beautiful mating ritual in which the male goombas stack in order to catch the attention of a female goomba. Dr. Mario made a mockery of that. I can’t believe this sick fuck used to date Mayor Pauline.”
As of press time, the Super Smash Bros. league announced they would remove Dr. Mario from the line-up after public outcry.
In their public statement, the league said, “We do not condone the actions of Dr. Mario and we extend our deepest apologies to the families of the goombas who were stacked together in his twisted experiment. Although our league is often a home to villains, we condemn villainous behavior such as that committed by Dr. Mario. Dr. Mario will be replaced in all upcoming battles with Earthbound character Giygas.”
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