LONDON — Controversy continues to swirl around author JK Rowling who was recently dead named by her former title of “beloved.”
“It’s outrageous,” tweeted Annabelle Snail, a self-proclaimed expert on gender whose knowledge of the subject appears to begin and end with blue is for boys, pink is for girls. “These gender terrorists seem to think they can do whatever they like. Calling JK Rowling by her deadname of ‘beloved’ is beyond the pale. She has not answered to that title for a long time now and intends to never be known as ‘beloved’ ever again.”
Fans of the Harry Potter writer were divided on the issue with some saying it was dangerous for her to demand that she no longer be referred to by her previous title.
“I worry what comes next,” said John Boil, an adult man who regularly posts online about waiting for his letter to Hogwarts. “Will we see writers like Neil Gaiman, Orson Scott Card, and Graham Linehan referred to as ‘cult favorites’ or ‘not scumbags’. Those are titles they’ve long since abandoned. In 2024, those names refer to different people and it’s irresponsible to refer to Linehan for example as anything other than his chosen descriptor of ‘TERF prick’ or ‘incredibly divorced loser’.”
A writer for the Daily Mail who was first accused of the dead-naming has since apologized.
“It was an error,” said Gary Schitt, a longtime writer for the Daily Mail and proud champion of straight rights. “Joanne Rowling who wrote the Harry Potter books under the initials JK to appeal to male readers who she believed wouldn’t want a book by a woman and who also goes by the male pen name Robert Galbraith, is a staunch believer in presenting yourself exactly as you were born. She was not born a ‘beloved’ writer and she will not die a ‘beloved’ writer so I must apologize for referring to her by that title.”
At press time, Rowling insisted that she has no intention of going back to her former titles and would like to be referred to as “unhinged lunatic” for the foreseeable future.
SAN MATEO, Calif, — Big news for PlayStation fanboys as Sony has announced that every PS5 Pro will come bundled with a dildo attachment for them to ride.
“This is a console specifically designed with our most hardcore fans in mind,” said PlayStation CEO Herman Hulst in a press release. We know that a $700 console with no games is a tough ask in this economy and that’s why we want to reward our most staunch supporters and defenders by finally giving them what they’ve always wanted from their PlayStation. So we’re proud to announce that all PS5 Pros will be bundled with a dildo attachment that hooks onto the console, finally allowing our biggest fans to ride their PlayStation.”
PlayStation fanboys on Twitter reacted extremely positively to the news.
“Another W for Sony,” posted PlatinumPS54763. “They are the king of gaming for a reason. The PS5 Pro is the greatest gaming machine ever created and it’s priced accordingly. This one is for the real fans and true gamers. Being able to play my PS4 games with slightly more detail in the far background is a game changer and now they’ve finally made our dreams come true with the dildo attachment. It’s no longer a fantasy, Xbots can longer tell us our PS won’t sleep with us.”
Hulst was asked by a fan why they went with a dildo attachment instead of designing the console with a lubricated hole.
“We thought about the ways in which we could implement the ability for our warriors to finally live out their fantasies with the console and there was really only one logical choice. While we’re happy to finally allow our fans to have intercourse with their PlayStation, a lubricated hole would allow them to screw us but we must always be the ones doing the screwing.”
At press time, Sony has announced that gamers can buy the vibrator attachment for an additional $80.
NASHVILLE — Conservative pundit Matt Walsh’s newly released film for the Daily Wire, “Am I Racist?”, has broken the world record for shortest feature film with a runtime of 1 second.
“One second, one word.” Walsh clarified on a recent episode of his podcast. “No, not another one of those words I could say in the span of a second, just a simple ‘yes’ or ‘no’.”
The move sparked some confusion, with several Sweet Baby Gang members noting that the official promos for the film are well over a second. But Walsh elaborated that the change was made to keep up with the 2020s’ “attention economy of brain rot.”
“We wish Candace was still collaborating with us and not the Tate Brothers,” added Ben Shapiro on Walsh’s show, “but they’ve both cracked the code to the best way to propagandize confused, lonely, directionless young men; on YouTube Shorts and TikTok, with brevity!”
Walsh spoke out against Guinness officials who refuse to acknowledge the record as legitimate.
“It’s a travesty that the woke leftist publishers behind the Guinness Book of World Records won’t acknowledge a historic achievement like this,” Walsh lamented. “Do they have any idea of the restraint it took to edit out the segments of me slandering children’s hospitals and advertising plushies of me in diapers? Doesn’t the left wish that we said less and shut the hell up more, anyways?”
Daily Wire CEO Jeremy Boreing saw fit to acknowledge the runtime at a recent presser for the film.
“Should ‘racist’ be Matt Walsh’s middle name like ‘boring’ is basically my last? Is the guy who refereed a Nazi diaper wrestling match racist? Is the guy who conflated ‘Western’ and ‘Anglo Saxon’ culture on his radio show racist? Is the pope Catholic? Is there not a single intentionally funny line in Mr. Birchum? Guess you’ll have to pay our $156 annual membership fee to find out in a second, but we’re sure you can guess where Vegas would put their money on this one.”
At press time, Walsh is set to break his own record with the planned sequel, Am I Transphobic.
TORONTO — In the latest of his string of film deletions, David Zaslav has deleted a film for tax write-offs in the middle of its TIFF screening.
“As I was in the theater watching it, I was gauging the interest of the crowd and using my acute film executive acumen to predict how it would be received,” said Zaslav in a post screening interview. “By about the 15 minute mark of the film I figured this would get an 8, maybe 9 minute standing ovation and that’s just not good enough for the profit margins we’re looking for. Anything less than an 11 minute ovation is a disaster so this film is basically unreleasable. That’s when I stepped out, went to the projectionsist and held a gun to the kid’s head until he stopped the movie, and I proceeded to destroy the only copy.”
Brian Mallory, who was making his directorial debut with the film, says he and Zaslav spoke after the screening about the film’s deletion.
“I was really excited for this obviously. It’s every young filmmaker’s dream to make a film and debut it here at TIFF and I was looking forward to getting my artistic vision out into the world. David took me aside and told me that if I just go along with it and make the shareholders happy he’ll give me an unlimited budget to make The Flash 2 so he’s the boss and I guess the film just wasn’t working. I’m proud of the cast and crew for all the hard work they did but I guess it just wasn’t good enough. Zaslav knows best.”
Martin Scorsese was in the audience for the screening and was asked afterwards about his thoughts on the matter.
“Look, all I’m going to say is that I know some people, they paint houses and it’s my understanding David Zaslav needs his house painted. It’s what it is.”
At press time, David Zaslav has reportedly allocated the write-off money to greenlight Joker 3.
WALL STREET — A prominent gaming executive has reportedly gotten blood all over their bonus check after culling a studio who failed to meet their nebulous expectations.
The executive was dissatisfied with the performance of the studio’s latest game, which led to the bloodletting, according to a source close to the matter who anonymously leaked the incident on social media.
“The game launched and was a critical and commercial success, it even won a few awards, but the boss said he expected more from them,” The source said. “It wasn’t the biggest seller of the year, but how many people can you really expect to play a narrative driven rhythm game? The boss saw it differently I guess. The last thing I saw before it happened was him leaving the building with a sawed off shotgun and a Bowie knife, and humming ‘Don’t Fear The Reaper’.”
A survivor of the massacre, who was asleep in the closet reserved for QA testers to get a couple hours of sleep between twenty hour shifts, recalled what they heard happening once the executive arrived at their satellite office.
“There were a lot of screams of confusion, and high maniacal laughter between the gunfire,” The tester recalled. “Our creative director tried to intervene, but was cut off mid-sentence after getting his throat slashed with the Bowie knife. After that I could hear him going through the rest of the studio ranting about a lack of monetization, in-game currency, or a battle pass, but he was the one who signed off on all those decisions! At one point he opened the door to the QA sleeping closet / utility room, and just said ‘Remember what happened here’ before walking away.”
Audio recordings made in the executive’s office shed some light on the immediate aftermath of the slaughter.
“I told them this would happen if they didn’t meet expectations,” The executive said on the recording. Another as yet unidentified person responded, “You can only give so many warnings before you’re forced to make an example out of some of them” The voice agreed.
“Anyway, that should make the shareholders happy. Till next quarter anyway.” At this point in the recording the two men laughed together for approximately five minutes before the executive exclaimed, “Dammit, I got blood all over my bonus check!”
At press time, the coroner was loading the bodies of the slaughtered into vans and the main office issued a statement calling it “A tragic workplace accident”.
SAN MATEO, Calif — In the wake of their announcement of a pro version of the PS5, Sony executives have also announced they will now be donning a pro version of their boots to usher in the next generation of Geoff Keighley licking them.
“We could never forget about Geoff,” said Sony executive Ike Cassidy in a press release. “He’s been with us for years, whether our boots are clean or full of absolute filth, he licks them with a smile on his face. So when we decided to make a pro version of our gameless console that offers little to no value proposition to consumers, we knew that we needed a pro version of our boots as well to offer him a slight and almost invisible to the naked eye upgrade in performance to his licking.”
PS5 Pro architect Mark Cerny also helped with the upgraded boots for the executives and spoke about the process of designing them.
“Well the previous boots offered up a wonderful base to start from. You can see from all of Geoff’s previous boot licking just how great those boots performed. But obviously as the competition gets more defeatist and Sony grows more arrogant it becomes harder for Keighley to keep pace with the boot licking needed. We knew that releasing a $700 machine that only has two exclusives and nothing to truly show off what it can do would require boots that could sustain a quadruple amount of boot licking from the face of gaming to help get through to the more gullible consumers.”
Keighley himself is very thankful for the upgrade to his corporate boot licking ability.
“You know I boot lick for a lot of companies and it gets really tough a lot of the time. Whether I’m avoiding talk of layoffs or crunch or mass harassment and just gassing up releases that are five years away and only have a 30-second cinematic teaser, it’s strenuous and the boots these other execs wear take their toll on my tongue’s processing power. But with Sony’s new pro boots, I can boot lick as much as 14 tweets defending a poor product presentation in the span of an hour without even feeling an ounce of disgust in myself. It’s great.”
At press time, Geoff Keighley is reportedly adding a “Best Pro PS5 Console” category to The Game Awards.
My primary complaint about the Penny Arcade Expo in Seattle (aka PAX West/PAX Prime) used to be that a bunch of big companies always stole all the oxygen. They’d set up on the fourth floor of the Washington State Convention Center with big-ticket demos and booth decorations left over from that year’s E3, while all the smaller publishers and indie studios got banished to the insufficiently-ventilated kids’ table that is the WSCC’s sixth floor.
Then COVID hit, PAX went virtual in 2020, and came back in 2021 with a dramatic vibe shift. Few big publishers seemed willing to jump back on the post-COVID American convention circuit, so an assortment of smaller studios and tabletop companies showed up to fill the gap.
Since then, PAX West has been more of an indie expo than anything else. A few AAA publishers made a comeback in 2024, like Capcom, Nintendo, and the Five Nights at Freddy’s team, but they were confined to their own side of the 4th-floor expo hall. The other half, separated by a skybridge, was devoted to an assortment of smaller games from all over the world. On top of that, there were, as usual, two separate off-site indie shows during the convention.
No one person could have seen everything that PAX had to offer, but I did the best I could. Here are 12 of the most interesting indies I saw at this year’s show, presented in alphabetical order.
Awaken: Astral Blade – Dark Pigeon Games/ESDigital Games
I had a weird experience with Awaken: Astral Blade, in that everything I tried to do in it worked immediately. It’s a fluid, fast-paced 2D Metroidvania that directly rewards you for styling on your opponents, with a combo system that’s more like Devil May Cry than anything else. You’re rewarded for taking an aggressive, freeform approach to each new fight, in a way that’s felt like it’s been out of style in action games for the last few years.
In Awaken, you play as Tania, an android who’s been dispatched on a rescue mission to the Horace Islands. A team of investigators has gone missing in the rainforest, due to a strange form of energy that’s transformed the local animals into hostile mutants.
According to one of its PR reps, Awaken is a Chinese indie game that was made with a grant from Sony. I’ll be the first one to tell you that it looks like it’s ripping off Nier: Automata, with its own white-haired, half-naked android swordswoman, but Awaken’s high-speed 2D combat sets it apart from its obvious inspiration.
Beastieball – Wishes Unlimited/Kiei Entertainment
“Volleyball really is a turn-based game,” Beastieballdirector Greg Lobanov told me at PAX. I hadn’t thought of it like that before, but he has a point.
Beastieball reunites Lobanov with artist Alexis Dean-Jones and composer Lena Raine, who previously made Chicory: A Wonderful Tale and Wandersong. Their newest game is something that even they will tell you is essentially Pokemon, but volleyball.
You’re an unnamed trainer who’s stumbled onto an island where all the native fauna love nothing more than to play their local sport Beastieball. Naturally, that means it’s time to recruit several monsters for your team and coach them to the championship, in non-lethal, adorably violent matches that play out like a turn-based RPG. It’s tongue-in-cheek, sure, but Beastieball has some real tactical depth to it, alongside its own host of collectible, adorable critters.
The Chronos Event – Superjump Games
The Chronos Event is an action roguelike made by a small team in Texas, with the help of Epic’s Megagrant program. There’s a lot about it that got my attention, but the first thing was how it revives the lost art of the crotch-first action slide, as perfected in the 2010 Platinum game Vanquish.
In 2039, Dr. Alicia De Leon invents time travel, and in so doing, ruins the world to such an extent that armed mercenaries instantly appear to kill her. Her only ally is a future version of herself, who teaches her how to use time travel as a tool for self-defense, so Alicia can survive long enough to stop herself from creating her greatest achievement.
Those tools include the aforementioned knee slide, which lets you slip around every battlefield at three times the speed of anyone else. Every fight in The Chronos Event plays out like Alicia’s the only one for whom this is an ice level. You can also enter slow motion at will, and use short-duration time hops to enlist your own past self as a distraction or additional firepower.
Heartworm – Vincent Adinolfi/Dread XP
I’ve had several conversations lately about the storytelling potential of fixed camera angles, which were all the rage in early 3D game design, but fell out of vogue by the time the PlayStation 2 had hit its stride. If you’re a fan of that type of visual presentation, allow me to introduce Heartworm, which is Fixed Camera Angles: The Game.
A photographer named Sam has gone in search of an urban legend, about an abandoned house with a room in it that lets you speak to the recently deceased. When Sam enters that room, it drops her in a surreal liminal space that’s based on her childhood memories. It’s also full of ghosts that want her dead.
The graphics on Heartworm are straight off the original PlayStation, with an additional filter to make them even fuzzier. It’s obviously got some DNA from the original Silent Hill and the first couple of Resident Evils, but much of Heartworm is a deliberately personal story about memory, time, and grief.
It’s also got a spider the size of a city bus, so don’t worry. It’s not that subtle.
Inpulse – Shelljump
When I say “kaizo” to people, if they recognize the term at all, they usually associate it with an infamously sadistic series of Super Mario World ROM hacks. Those hacks became the basis for a fan community for demanding platformers such as Celeste.
Inpulseis a new kaizo game by Nate Sievers, a long-time member of the scene. His goal with Inpulse is to make kaizo-style games more accessible, through outreach, thorough testing, and providing solid visual feedback to the player.
In Inpulse, which Sievers describes as a “prog-rock album,” you run, jump, and collect special musical notes, each of which allows the protagonist Flute to use a new aerial movement option. The Guitar Hero-style note progression on the right side of the screen is there to show you each level’s intended solution, in a process that Sievers compares to learning how to play a new song.
Inpulse made its official public debut at last year’s show. For this year’s, Sievers and his crew were showing off Inpulse’s new level editor, which is set up to allow just about anyone to create their own musical kaizo gauntlet. According to Sievers, “anything I can make in Unity, you can make in the level editor.”
Love Eternal – brika/Ysbryd Games
Speaking of kaizo: Love Eternalis a creepy platformer that plays like it’s inspired by the later, weirder levels of Super Meat Boy. I’d walked by it a dozen times at PAX before someone said offhandedly that it was their game of the show, so I finally played it right before the end of the convention.
Maya is an ordinary teenage girl who’s sitting down to dinner with her family when she’s abruptly pulled into a dark labyrinth. As she navigates it, her primary tool for getting past its traps is the ability to reverse her personal gravity, so she can turn the floor into her ceiling while she’s in mid-air.
The demo at PAX had a surreal power to it, with one of the most memorable opening sequences of any game at the show. You can get an idea of what’s actually happened to Maya by reading Love Eternal’s description on Steam, but you might be better off not knowing. Just go in as cold as you can.
Nitro Express – Grayfax Software/Playism
Every so often, I play a game that feels like an adaptation of something that never existed. If somebody had told me thatNitro Expresswas a remastered version of a TurboGrafx-16 game from 1992, which itself was a licensed tie-in to an obscure ‘80s action anime, I’d have believed them. It’s like a community theater production of Dominion Tank Police.
Autonomous drones are an inescapable part of life in Nitro City, but every so often, they go rogue. When the normal cops can’t handle murder robots, they call in the Atypical Vehicle Response Squad: a couple of total dorks who are somehow still allowed to bring all the guns and explosives they can carry.
Nitro Express is a 2D pixel-art shooter that mashes up a lot of different arcade and console influences. It’s intense, but it’s more about high scores than survival. If you’re into dopey anime action-comedies like Dirty Pair and/or old-school shooters like Metal Slug, Nitro Express was made specifically for you.
Pizza Bandit – JOFSOFT
Pizza Banditfeatures a variety of exciting new ways for the randos in your pick-up group to not focus on the god damned objectives. It’s a 4-player co-op shooter where you’re trying to run a restaurant and a firefight simultaneously. Imagine Overcooked if less of the aggression was passive.
It’s the future again, and your main character just wants to run a pizza shop. In order to keep that shop in the black, however, you’re forced to go back to your old job as an illegal time-traveling bounty hunter. In each mission, you enlist the help of 3 time-lost duplicates of yourself and go on culinary-themed strikes in the past and future.
In my demo on the PAX floor, we went back to 1985 Japan to keep a sushi restaurant running, where we had to simultaneously fight time cops and make tuna rolls. It sounds silly, and it absolutely is, but it works better than I thought it would. You’ll absolutely want to bring a crew for this one, though.
Puzzle Depot – Laughing Manatee Games
I played a lot of Space Quest as a kid, which predisposed me to like Puzzle Depot. It’s set in the same kind of broken-down, blue-collar science fiction future, where all the big space opera adventures are happening far away to someone else. Meanwhile, you’re crammed into a maintenance shaft fighting mutant roaches.
Exhibited off-site during PAX at the Seattle Indies Expo, Puzzle Depotis one of several locally-made games at this year’s convention that felt like it was tapping into some well-earned anger at Amazon. It starts off as a simple block-pushing puzzle game, but rapidly introduces more features, mechanics, and complications until you’re on an epic journey across a planet filled with decaying infrastructure, killer insects, and mismanaged toxic waste.
Scholomatch – Dire Kitten Games
Imagine Hogwarts, but the student body consists exclusively ofhot polyamorous, pansexual college students. That’s Scholomatch, a dating sim/puzzle game which warns you in the tutorial that nobody in the game is monogamous. Frankly, it might’ve been the funniest thing I saw at PAX, and it wasn’t exactly trying to be.
You’re one of the few human students who gets to attend the Horizon Wizarding Academy, an interdimensional college for magic-users. Here, you’ll learn magic through collaborating with the other students, in a system based on match-3 puzzle games. You’ve also got an open license to befriend or romance any or all of the other students at Horizon, in an arrangement that the developers describe as having “a lot of heart and a little spice.”
The dating sim elements of Scholomatch are hilarious from the jump, but when I played its demo at SIX, I found myself getting really into its take on match-3 games. From the start, you’re given a lot of tools to rearrange, defy, or break the system’s rules, and knowing when to use them is key to pulling off some of Scholomatch’s trickier challenges.
Whisper Mountain Outbreak – Toge Productions
This is another proud entry in the “fuck it, we’ll do it ourselves” school of indie game design. Valve won’t release Left 4 Dead 3 and Capcom won’t port the Resident Evil: Outbreak games to modern systems, so Toge Productions (Coffee Talk) mashed them together and made a 4-player co-op isometric shooter.
An unspecified but distinctly Lovecraftian catastrophe has hit Jakarta, and many of the locals are now bloodthirsty zombies. As a small team of survivors, your goal is to investigate locations within the city and figure out what the hell actually happened.
Whisper Mountain Outbreakknows exactly what it wants to be. The maps and puzzles are pure Resident Evil, as is its emphasis on ammo conservation. Melee’s a decent option, but you’ve got a limited stamina pool, so it’s easy to get caught by zombies when you’re exhausted. On occasion, the game gets bored and hits you with floods of monsters from every direction, and that’s when the Left 4 Dead comparisons kick in.
Yars Rising – WayForward/Atari
I’ve yet to play a WayForward game that I didn’t like. I’m still a little annoyed about that 1-point Xbox achievement on Double Dragon Neon, which is why my gamerscore has been an odd number for the last several years (it shouldn’t bother me; it bothers me a lot), but the studio’s got a solid track record.
Yars Rising, at least in its PAX demo, didn’t break that streak. It’s ostensibly a reboot of a classic ‘80s Atari franchise, but like Lunar Lander Beyond from earlier this year, it doesn’t have that much to do with the original source material. Instead, it’s a Metroid-style adventure game from most of the same developers that made the River City Girls series.
You play Rising as Emi, a hacker who’s taken a job at the QoTech corporation as part of an infiltration job. When the job goes wrong, Emi has to use stealth, cunning, and illegal “bio-hacks” to fight her way through QoTech’s underground empire of advanced military hardware. It’s just silly enough to be funny without going all the way over into self-parody, with some big boss fights and clever minigames.
“Classic” is a term that I feel gets thrown around far too often in the anime community. Both fans and reviewers alike have claimed that 2014’s Ping Pong: The Animation is worthy of this title, but those losers are categorically incorrect. Classics reach new heights by using tried-and-true tropes and techniques as the shoulders of giants upon which they stand, but this show deliberately throws all that to the side, instead choosing to leave its mark in its own way. Was all the praise I’ve read just a lie? Was I scammed? Because seriously, Ping Pong doesn’t even have a beach episode.
The first talking point in every positive review of this series is about director and famed anime veteran Masaaki Yuasa’s eye for unique, innovative art and animation. I ask this: how can an anime be a classic without an episodes-long glut of static reaction shots to highlight the almost decentness of five-to-ten second clips of henchmen getting punched in the balls? Ignoring how Yuasa and team never fail to showcase something interesting and new to look at, the real hit to the nads is that ten years on, people are still calling Ping Pong the GOAT. How can it be in the pantheon of great anime when it doesn’t even have an episode centered around sunbathing and watermelon splitting?
Also, don’t even get me started on the “who do you play for?” stuff. I didn’t become a Crunchyroll subscription-carrying aficionado to be asked such stupid questions. They should shut up and backhand drive–and would it kill them to cook some fish over a bonfire or something?
Now I’m not saying that this supposedly groundbreaking adaptation of the manga by seasoned storyteller Taiyō Matsumoto shies away from the absolute peak that is sands and sea. In a couple of blink-and-you’ll-miss-it scenes in its eleven-episode run, Ping Pong shows its characters coming to terms with various life changes whilst gazing out at the surf, but in, like, some kind of lame, introspective way. Any decent anime would have refrained from insulting our intelligence by giving our protagonists some skimpy bathing suits to put on. And maybe they’d have thrown in some tasteful jiggle physics here and there–am I right, fellas?
As I sat with my body pillow, openly weeping in front of my tv, watching as the entire cast of characters achieved dreams they didn’t even know they had, I couldn’t help but also cry for what could have been. A true classic would have only given me only two, maybe three characters max to care about, and they wouldn’t have stayed with me as long as these ones have. And they definitely would’ve had some absolute babes in bikinis–dude, this show’s a full-on sausage fest.
WASHINGTON — Developers of Presidential Election 2024 have just released an extensive patch that includes many changes, the biggest of which being the complete removal of Donald Trump’s assassination attempt from the public consciousness.
“We were really excited about it when we added it,” wrote lead developer Tyson Kojak in a blog post that accompanied the patch notes. “We thought it would shake things up and make it more exciting for players but after a few weeks engagement with it just kind of petered out and our data shows that basically no one cares anymore. So we figured that the best course of action would be to just completely remove it rather than have it remain and waste resources we could be putting into other things that as of now are a little half-baked, like JD Vance donut shop visits.”
The patch had an immediate effect on both players and Trump himself, who during a recent rally forgot his own assassination mid speech.
“Let me tell you folks, the Dirty Dems are at it again. They’re at it again, yes they are. Trying to downplay what they did to me. I did everything right, everything fairly and they tried to… what did they try to do folks? You know. They know. They tried to… but many people are saying that I and this is true that I am the strongest willed individual to ever live and I might be. I might be folks, no one has a stronger will than me because we all know what happened. I know, you know. The late great Hannibal Lecter, he knows too, he’ll tell you over dinner. He’s gonna have you for dinner.”
Many Trump fans are outraged at the patch and are refusing to download the update.
“The corrupt woke devs may try to remove this from history but we don’t have to go along with it. We will stand in solidarity together, we will remain on the previous version of this election and the cowardly attempt on Trump’s life by the woke mob will never be removed from our minds. The sheeple will not win,” wrote WhiteRights305783 on X – the Everything App.
At press time, every user on the latest patch responded to WhiteRights305783’s post informing them that there was no assassination attempt, and that they simply made it up for attention.
INKWELL ISLE ONE — Inkwell Isle police are investigating after the body of local troublemaker Cuphead was found on Sunday afternoon in a dishwasher of an abandoned home on the island’s southside. A spokesperson for the Inkwell Isle Police Department said police were called to the home at around 2 p.m. after neighbors complained about a smell coming from the residence.
“It’s too early to say what happened here, but if it looks and feels like murder, it’s usually murder,” Sheriff Tom Buzz said to members of the media, shortly after discovering the 35-year-old teacup in a Sears dishwasher. “Cuphead and his pal Mugman, they like to roll the dice. They’re indebted to some bad eggs. If you told me the victim’s past with King Dice or other ne’er do wells caught up to him, I’d be inclined to agree.”
Surveillance footage from nearby Porkrind’s Emporium depicts Cuphead and Mugman scheming tourists in a rigged shell game earlier on the day of the suspected murder. Sheriff Buzz would not confirm if Cuphead died in the dishwasher or was placed there once dead. The sheriff also refused to confirm if Mugman was considered a mug of interest in the case. At the time of this reporting, Mugman had been reported missing by family.
“Healthy cups just don’t up and die out of nowhere,” Sheriff Buzz said as a coroner placed a serving tray with a napkin-covered body into their nearby car. “I didn’t personally like the guy, but he didn’t deserve the end he got. Whoever smashed this cup up is a real sick puppy, and we’re going to get the bastard.”
King Dice, local casino magnate and former business associate of Cuphead, thinks the investigation is being used to “sling mud at his good name.” Dice spoke to members of the media in the lobby of his casino.
“The IIPD is always trying to bring a die down. I admired Cuphead and would never do anything to hurt him myself,” Dice said as one of his associates walked by and nodded toward him as if confirming something. “Now is not the time to point fingers. Now is the time to mourn the loss of a beautiful gambler who’s probably betting his halo on something as we speak. I just hope the IIPD finds Mugman before it’s too late.”
At press time an unidentified cup had been found and retrieved from the bottom of Quadratus.
Anyone with information that could lead to an arrest in this case is asked to call the Inkwell Isle Police Department Tip Hotline at 314-390-9229.
