Jack Black Already Adding Sims Movie to His IMDb Page

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

LOS ANGELES — Actor and comedian Jack Black was seen adding a credit for the upcoming film based on Electronic Arts’ Sims franchise to his IMDb page shortly after the movie’s recent announcement, sources confirm.

“It’s a video game movie. Of course I’m in it,” said Black, leaning over his keyboard. “I’ve sacrificed a lot for this career. I literally threw my best friend and comedy partner under the bus to preserve it. If I destroyed that relationship and don’t continue getting cast in these vapid, pointless adaptations of gaming properties, what was it all for?”

Producer Margot Robbie said she initially did not believe the reports.

“I kept getting all these texts from people saying I made a good choice in casting Jack,” said Robbie. “I assumed they were joking or that someone had vandalized his IMDb. By the time I realized he was the one responsible, everyone in the production was just acting like it was true. Our director Kate Herron was mad that I hadn’t consulted her, but excited to work with him. I don’t know. I guess Jack Black is in the Sims movie.”

Industry analysts noted that this isn’t the first time an actor has taken their career in their own hands.

“Sure, they edit their own IMDb pages all the time,” said entertainment journalist and historian Gene Clayton. “And that’s not the half of it. Jared Leto just started doing press for ‘Suicide Squad’ without asking because he wanted to play the Joker so bad. That—plus sending weirdly threatening gifts to the filmmakers to prove he was ‘method’—was enough to land him the part. Ben Affleck famously parked a trailer with a sign reading ‘Bruce Wayne/Batman’ on the Warner lot until Snyder caved. Chris Pratt found an early screenplay for ‘The Super Mario Bros. Movie’ on the Dark Web and recorded all his lines at home. The suits at Illumination and Nintendo decided it would be cheaper and easier to just use that audio than find someone who could actually voice act. These guys aren’t just successful by accident.”

At press time, Black was seen editing Jim Carrey’s IMDb page, removing Carrey’s Sonic franchise credits and adding them to his own page.

Rumor: Nintendo Power Hotline Was Feeding Kamala Harris Tips During Debate

Posted on by Dan Katz

PHILADELPHIA — As the fallout from the first debate between Vice President Kamala Harris and former President Donald Trump continues, extreme right-wing influencers have started an unsubstantiated rumor that Ms. Harris received tips from the Nintendo Power Hotline via an earpiece during the debate. Trump has since amplified those rumors, specifically pointing out her detailed answer to a question about The Legend of Zelda on the Nintendo Entertainment System.

“I heard Kamabla—I like to call her that, should we call her that?—had a little something in the ear,” Mr. Trump claimed at a Las Vegas rally. “Someone at Nintendo—people are saying it could be more than one person—was giving her the answers. Zelda on NES, such a tough game, some say impossible. But somehow, she knew…First Quest, there are two quests, not many people know that…to walk north four times in the Lost Hills to get to the Lizard dungeon?”

Laura Loomer, far-right activist and alleged roommate of Mr. Trump, posted on X that Ms. Harris’ earrings were actually Nova H1 audio earphones, connected to a live agent at the Nintendo Power Hotline. She claimed that the vice president could not have remembered the tricks to speed-running Metroid.

“No way this unqualified woman had immediate recall of how to skip the Kraid and Ridley fights, nearly 40 years after Metroid’s release,” wrote Loomer, referring to Harris’ thorough response to a question posed by moderator David Muir. “She had a Nintendo nerd—one of her cousins in an Indian call center, no doubt—ready to go, telling her to lure a Rio through the door to the Kraid and Ridley statues so she could freeze it and use it as a stepping stone to the door on the other side of the room.”

Vice President Harris dismissed her opponent’s claims as “unhinged,” explaining that playing Nintendo was her way to unwind in law school.

“I am sorry this…former president…has neither the intellectual curiosity nor the temperament to problem-solve, be it as the leader of our country or when playing challenging NES games,” Ms. Harris responded. “Not only is his accusation yet another conspiracy theory designed to steer attention away from his disaster of a vision for America, but spending $1.50 per minute during a 90-minute debate would have been an irresponsible use of taxpayer dollars.”

At press time, Governor Tim Walz was helping his running mate refurbish her Nintendo’s 72-pin connector, suggesting that the more reliable top-loader NES console might be a sound investment.

Company That Would Fire You for Talking About Unionizing Doesn’t Want a Union to Destroy Great Office Culture

Posted on by Adam Frost-Venrick

OMAHA, NE — Citing an “immaculate office culture” and a “can do spirit” from all of its employees, sources at the “Good Standing Insurance Company” confirmed last week that the firm is doubling down on its anti-union commitment. This comes just days after the mass firing of over twenty employees, allegedly for “pro union activities.”

“We have a really great time here,” said Good Standing CEO Gary Fulmer. “We hire rock stars and rock stars only. And we’re a family. A whole family of rock stars. You want some mean, burly union guy, probably with tattoos and all sorts of mafia connections to come in and ruin that? No. And that’s why we won’t let this happen. Because the minute we start to hear talk about ‘solidarity,’ the pink slips have to come out and we have to fire some of our little family. And no one wants that. No one wants to be the one to pull the plug on Grandma. But sometimes you have to say, ‘She’s having too many accidents on the good sheets.’ And then you gotta put her down.”

It is, of course, “illegal” in the United States to fire workers for collective organizing. Good Standing HR Head Traci Tathers says that forces her to be creative.

“Oh sure, I’ve had to get real clever with it,” said Tathers. “During the last, you know, u-word purge, I had one that I let go for ‘taking phone calls on company time.’ And I had this other one where I had to say he was getting let go because we said he was missing too much work. Course, that was because his kid had leukemia. But I’m not a monster. I sent him a lovely homemade sympathy card with his papers.”

Employees at Good Standing Insurance seemed hesitant to speak with reporters about the situation, but Claims Adjuster Peter Bertke gave a brief statement.

“We don’t need unions here,” said Bertke, with a kind of chipperness that implied someone might be listening in. “Our company culture is excellent. We are a family. A family of rockstars. All of the labor rabble-rousers that were let go were ungrateful, toxic people. I don’t need a union coming in and ruining what’s good about Good Standing. Which is the good culture. I mean great. The great culture at Good Standing. Yes.”

At press time, company executives were brainstorming a “compassionate, empathetic way” to let the general staff know that they were probably going to have to come in on Saturday to correct an error the CFO made. 

Every ‘Far Cry 2’ Healing Animation Ranked by How Quickly I’d Lose My Medical License

Posted on by Nik Theorin

Far Cry 2, simultaneously the beloved underdog and black sheep of Ubisoft’s Far Cry series, is known for many things: its bleak yet gorgeous open world; its grounded approach to weaponry and fire propagation; its sheer number of dudes whose bodies selfishly go under instead of over your Jeep. I could go on, about the malaria pills you need to constantly refill or the unique roster of “buddies” who will beg you to mercy kill them after falling down once, but that would be ignoring Far Cry 2’s crowning legacy in the series: its commitment to accurate depictions of battlefield medicine, and by battlefield medicine I mean ripping shit out of your body with pliers and setting bones with the same nonchalance as scratching your nose.

These grisly self-surgeries are presented as realistically as any video game has ever attempted, and as a practicing physician of twenty years, I’m in a unique position to gauge their efficacy, ethicality, and general badassness. With that in mind, here is every healing animation in Far Cry 2 ranked by how quickly I’d lose my medical license performing them.

#28: Wrapping Bullet Wound with Bandage

Wrapping a bullet wound at the point of entry with a clean antiseptic bandage or similar dressing is common practice in modern medicine, and this would be sound technique if the bullet hole itself wasn’t a gaping black maw the size and ripeness of a seedless grape. Still, with a little local anesthetic, some quick sutures, and unwavering faith in a divine power not recognized by any of the practiced religions, I would have no problem keeping my medical license after this operation.

#27: Consumption of Malaria Pill

Always take pills with water.

#26: Resetting Dislocated Wrist, Pinky

Setting a dislocated bone like this won’t win you any favors with patients on account of the extreme and agonizing pain, but it would win you a speed-running record in the category of Bonesetting Splintless Any%.

#25: Resetting Dislocated Pinky, Middle Finger

Most of my patients do this to themselves on a daily basis.

#24: Resetting Dislocated Ankle

A stern warning from the Dean at best.

#23: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Metal Wire from Knee

Now we’re getting into some dangerous ethical territory. Extracting a piece of metal wire this deep into the knee requires extreme care and forethought, and pains must be taken to staunch what will surely be a massive amount of bleeding coupled with high risk of infection. Simply yanking it out in two crude motions may well violate the Hippocratic Oath, but I think I could get away with it due to the fact it looks super satisfying.

#22: Resetting Dislocated Shoulder, Elbow, Wrist, Jesus Christ

I cannot stress enough: DO NOT try this at home. Setting three dislocated bones on one arm in the span of five seconds, while it may seem cool, is indeed cool as hell and carries high risk of looking badass in front of your friends.

#21: Patting Out Fire with Bare Hands

There’s a reason we drill Stop, Drop, and Roll into your brains like a butcher tenderizing meat from the age of three. It’s so you don’t try to high-five the fire.

#20: Pulling Out Massive Stick from Leg

Be it knife, arrow, or boring little stick, an impaling object should never be removed from the body, but rather stabilized with gauze until it can be treated in an operating room, as removal could result in a release of pressure on tamponaded blood vessels and uncontrollable, potentially fatal hemorrhaging. That said, accidents do happen, and I think I could smooth talk my way into a probation after this.

#19: Self-Injection of Morphine Syrette

Oh, so when I give a patient a morphine syrette it’s fine but when I give one to myself it’s “a serious problem” and “who broke into the pharmacy last night after hours, do you know anything about this doctor?”

#18: Dislodging Bullet By Resetting Dislocated Elbow

Is this real? Who consulted on this game? No one’s supposed to know you can do this.

#17: Ripping Bullet Out With Knife and Pliers

If knife, pliers, and a wholesale disrespect for the human body is all you have at your disposal, this little maneuver could very well save a life. But let’s not forget that in the majority of cases, it’s best to leave the bullet inside the body unless it runs the risk of ischemia or embolization, or if you’re filming a movie and Big Blood Transfusions is paying you a hefty sum to perpetuate medical myths and disinformation.

#16: Ripping Bullet Out with the Same Disgusting Knife and Septic Pliers

You have 12 to 24 hours to make a clean getaway.

#15: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Glass from Leg

This piece of glass is lodged dangerously close to the femoral artery. I would strongly recommend transferring the patient to a proper OR before any decision was made to risk it for the biscuit.

#14: Ripping Bullet Out with Just the Pliers

Is that the same filthy-ass pair of pliers? Is he stupid?

#13: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Metal from Arm

What are you doing leave it in that shit’s cool as hell.

#12: Cauterizing Bullet Wound with Fistful of Matches

Cautery becomes a viable option only when other methods to stop the bleeding, such as pressure and tourniquets, are exhausted, and even then, it should only be performed by a licensed professional with the proper instrument. A fistful of grimy matches, and not a medical grade Bovie knife designed for this very purpose, is only the correct instrument if the intention is a 10 on the pain scale and revocation of my license to practice morally-suspect medicine.

#11: Pulling Out Different Massive Piece of Metal from Abdomen

Nooo don’t take it out your so sexy aha.

#10: Going Ham with Pliers at a Random, Uninjured Part of Your Leg

Questions would be asked, yes, such as “why are you doing this doctor?” and “JESUS CHRIST IT HURTS, OH GOD IT HURTS”, but aside from a few bruises on the patient’s leg, my medical license would hardly be at risk.

#9: Just Kinda Fishing Around in There with a Knife

I guess technically this would qualify as exploratory surgery.

#8: Sticking Your Nasty Finger Inside Your Arm to Dislodge Bullet, for God’s Sake

Nurse, come look at this. If… if there was already an exit wound on the other side of the arm, then how did…? How was the bullet… still in there? Unless— unless he’s punching a new hole on the other side right through the skin with just his finger. If that’s the case… my god. What power.

#7: Removing Bullet with the Flat of Your Knife Like You’re Popping a Soda Tab

Removing a bullet in this manner (again, unnecessary) will likely cause more damage than it’s worth, and manipulating the bullet with the small tip of the knife would be extremely difficult, but you could probably get a cool Boomerang out of it.

#6: Fishing Bullet Out of Arm with Your Tongue Like a Freak

I actually did this with a patient once.

#5: Pulling… Oh God… Shit… Oh SHIT

Next one. I don’t want to talk about this one. Next one.

#4: Pulling Out Massive Piece of Rebar from Abdomen

We get one free patient death a year so I’d probably use mine on this.

#3: Rawdogging Root Canal Surgery

You’re telling me this is the time he chooses not to use the pliers?

Look, a loose tooth needs to be removed regardless of age due to reasons of both comfort and cleanliness, since an exposed root or socket is a lightning rod for bacteria and other infectants. Ideally the patient is anesthetized for this, but if you want to rawdog it with just your hand and an unearned arrogance comparable to releasing a $700 video game console with no perceptible upgrade in hardware, the only thing stopping you is willpower and several state laws.

#2: Pulling Out World’s Most Evil Stick from Everywhere On Your Body

What stick on this pitiless earth has that many barbs, and how are you unlucky enough to get it stuck inside you twice?

#1: Ripping Bullet Out with Just the Pliers, Somehow Missing the Wound But Still Getting a Bullet Anyway

If I performed this alarming feat of sorcery, I would lose much more than my medical license. This would bring back the Salem Witch Trials on a scale we have never seen before. I would be hung upside down from a rope, my eyes gouged out with sticks, my fingertips burnt off and fed to me, and my family forced to watch as I am made to divulge my dark dealings with The Bottomfeeder; The First Sickness; the Shadow That Rakes the undersides of graves. I divulge, but I do not repent. For this, my entrails are nailed to a tree, and I am forced to walk its circumference, over and over, until I can walk no more. Only then is my body burned, my name erased, and my medical license revoked in the state of Pennsylvania, pending review.

How I Became a Homeowner at 17 by Opening the Sims 2 Cheat Menu and Typing “Motherlode”

Posted on by Laura Lewis

Listen, I know we’re all tired of these types of stories. White teenagers get on TikTok and they detail all the financial decisions they made to buy a house—conveniently leaving out that they started with a tremendous amount of capital from their parents.

But I’m here to tell you that while the American dream may be dead, the SimNation dream is alive and well. Or, well, it was when I was in high school.

Here’s how I became a homeowner at 17 by opening up the Sims 2 cheat menu and typing in “motherlode.”

It started like any other day. I got home from school and opened the game on my Strawberry iMac, and had time to microwave a frozen MorningStar burrito in the meantime because it’s 2006. I spent about 90 minutes making a Sim look just like Chris Carrabba, then 5 minutes on a Sim that looks like me. They’re married, obvs, and I dropped them into the only house they could afford: the Ranch Retreat.

Chris and Sim Me took one look around and knew it wouldn’t do. They muttered some nonsense to each other, gesturing wildly, then Chris went in for a hair-tucked-behind-the-ear kiss (the first of one million that I’d make him do). It was there that I paused the game.

I chuckled to myself, brushing off crumbs of miscellaneous vegan bacon-matter from my Glamour Kills hoodie. These Sims had no idea what was coming.

I opened up the cheat menu with a combination of keys I learned from my buddy xxBexGonexWentzxx and dropped the MOTHERLODE code once, twice, then about 5 more times in a mad rush of greed. I then went straight into build mode and designed the most perfect goth Victorian home you’ve ever seen —complete with a swimming pool in case I got bored and wanted to throw my Sims in without the ladder (bonus: gravestones complete the look).

I know many of us can boast similar successes in SimNation in our teen years. So, if you, too, are a millennial distressed by an unchanging economic status while kids who can’t even remember 9/11 buy farm-door McMansions with their parent’s money, remember: it’s you who wielded the original mother lode.

RFK Jr. Has No Idea What Happened to the Sleeping Snorlax on Route 12

Posted on by Garry Kerls

KANTO — After local law enforcement discovered a decapitated Snorlax corpse just off Route 12, a conveniently vacationing Robert F. Kennedy Jr. told our sources he has no idea what happened. 

“I’m sure the fake news media is going to have a field day with this, but I promise you I had nothing to do with that gruesome crime scene,” said the former presidential candidate, suspiciously covered in blood. “Sure, it sounds like something I would’ve done 20 years ago, but I’m a changed man, and no longer obey the parasitic worms inside my head.”

Kennedy and his wife, Cheryl Hines, told reporters they were only in the Kanto Region for a relaxing fishing trip after an exhausting attempt at the most powerful position in American politics. 

“Robert and I love it here,” said the former “Curb Your Enthusiasm” star. “He reels in Magikarp off the docks and I film self-tape auditions back in our hotel room. Work has been hard to come by lately, for some reason.”

The Snorlax, who was beloved by local trainers, was often seen taking naps and blocking the path forward. Pokemon conservationists have advised against waking the sleeping giant and instead suggest taking an alternate route. However, unaware tourists and political dynasty nepo babies may not be aware of this endangered species protocol. 

Kennedy’s relationship with dead animals has gone from bad to worse in the past few weeks after an unearthed interview with Kick Kennedy, his daughter, revealed her father chainsawed the head off of a deceased beached whale in Massachusetts, tied it to the roof of their family car, and drove it to their New York home back in 1994. 

“Mr. Kennedy’s past history does indicate potential involvement in this case,” Officer Jenny told reporters outside the scene of the crime. “But we won’t know the full truth until he blabs about it on some right-wing podcast 10 years from now.”

At press time, the missing Snorlax head has resurfaced in the middle of Cycling Road.

Every Team in the Madden NFL Series Ranked by How Cool It Would Be If They Were Real

Posted on by Tim Weighart

Back in 1988, there came a day that Fox sports commentator John Madden came up with an idea that would change popular culture forever: What if I made up a fictitious sport with specific rules and gameplay that could be played in a lucrative video game series? The result, of course, was Madden NFL.

In football—not to be confused with soccer, the sport that Americans renamed from football for no discernable reason—a bunch of muscle-y dudes try to pass, throw, and run a ball shaped like an oval without getting tackled by the other team or letting the ball touch the ground. In the world of Madden NFL, football is a cultural phenomenon adored by the masses, kind of like baseball and badminton in our world, and there are 32 teams across the country who compete against one another to win the “Super Bowl” every season. 

The game, made popular by the rigorous strategic play, agility and coordination necessary to win, took the world by storm, and as the sequels started pouring out, many people began to speculate about making “football” a real sport. But since the very similar sport of rugby was so violent, and because everyone who was a football fan was also a gamer and therefore a fucking dweeb, no sport managers ever paid much mind to the marvelous potential of football, and we are left to wonder what a real “NFL” (National Football League) could have looked like. 

But what if football, and all of the legendary sports teams that Madden taught us to love, were real? Which would be cool to see in real life, and which would be completely lame? I, a resident Madden fan, decided it was past time that we make a definitive ranking to find out. So strap on your “helmets,” and get ready to score a “field goal,” because we’re about to delve deep into the fantastical realm of Madden Football.

33. The Houston Texans

Any long-term Madden fans shouldn’t be surprised to see the Houston Texans sitting in the bottom spot, purely because they were such a late addition to the series. By the time Madden NFL 2002 was released as the 13th mainline game in the series, we were already so immersed in the relationships between teams and the rise and fall of power players and reigning champions that it was really hard to feel like the Texans weren’t shoehorned in by a writing staff that was kind of flailing to reestablish the strong plot of the early installments in the series. The final nail in the coffin was that they had the lowest rating of all time in Madden 2002, and I guess they’ve come back from that, but if we’re being honest, there’s no coming back from that.

32. The Philadelphia Eagles

I’ve met many people from Philadelphia, so I already know that if the Eagles were real, their season would be the only thing they would ever talk about, and they would be REAL aggressive about it. It’s also very likely that they would partake in illegal activities regardless of whether the Eagles won or lost a big game, and that just doesn’t seem like a great thing to encourage. Philadelphia gets into enough trouble without a national football team, and maybe some cities just shouldn’t be allowed to have nice things.

31. The Carolina Panthers

In theory, the Carolina Panthers should have a lot going for them: Super Bowl 38, legendary players like Muhsin Muhammad and Jake Delhomme, and some of the coolest uniforms in the league. However, their performance in Madden NFL 2010 was so lame, uncool and generally bad that I couldn’t even process my thoughts on John Madden being replaced by Tom Hammond and Cris Collinsworth as announcers in that game. Without that season, I would be super down to have the Panthers in real life, but the mere thought of such a devastating season for a team that should always be solid really nauseates me.

30. The Atlanta Falcons

My disc for Madden NFL 2020 got a bit scratched up at some point, and now the game gets insanely glitchy whenever I try to play as the Falcons. Somehow, I feel like footballs phasing through players’ heads while the goal posts start to flip and teleport all over the field at turbo speeds would have greater consequences in the real world, so let’s just play it safe and keep the Falcons fictional.

29. The Las Vegas Raiders

The Raiders’ mascot is the Raider Rusher, a creature that is basically a giant silver head with a seething smile, metal spikes on his head that look as though they could impale directly through a man’s body without effort, and two silver legs sprouting out of his chin. If the Raider Rusher were real, I would never feel safe again, and our timeline would veer abruptly towards every apocalypse scenario that’s ever been dreamt up.

28. The Indianapolis Colts

Indianapolis has had more than its fair share of cults already. They don’t need another 53, not to mention the additional 16 that would comprise a practice squad.

27. The New York Jets

It wouldn’t be that cool if the Jets were real, but it would be very, very funny. Only the genius writers’ room behind Madden NFL could come up with a team that provides such a constant, wild and outrageous source of comic relief. I mean, come on: This one team has had a coach named Weeb, another coach who resigned with a note scrawled on a napkin, AND their defense falls apart whenever their whole team actually manages to be healthy. Top that off with the first good quarterback they had in ages getting injured on the first game of the season last year, and you’ve got comedy gold incarnate with this team.

26. The Washington Commanders

I actually just don’t like the Commanders very much, but I’ll put them above the Jets out of respect for Champ Bailey, who was the linchpin to the extremely overpowered custom team that I made when I was nine. Thanks, Champ. I couldn’t have become an alpha gamer without you.

25. The Cleveland Browns

I actually wouldn’t be fully opposed to watching a real Cleveland Browns team in action despite their less than stellar track record, if only because the fan loyalty they have would be as wholesome as it would be humorous. Plus, come on, the turnpike rivalry? Legendary content. My actual problem with letting the Cleveland Browns be real is that it would also mean that everyone would have to think about the city of Cleveland, Ohio that much more often, and somehow I just have a feeling that everything would be worse as a result.

24. The Los Angeles Rams

Don’t get me wrong, the Rams have been a baller team in recent years, but their complete and utter lack of loyalty to their home turf concerns me if we’re seriously considering giving Los Angeles another sports team. Not only have they represented three different cities, but they’ve already left LA once. Who’s to say they wouldn’t do it again? Los Angeles already suffers enough; they don’t need to be betrayed by a major league sports team too.

23. The Minnesota Vikings

Listen, I love the Vikings and all they’ve accomplished but I just can’t bear to think of a world where Bashaud Breeland exists. And Adrian Peterson. And Jerome Simpson. …And 54 other people? Seriously, why do the Vikings have so many arrests, and why is that information included in the “Extra Features” section of every Madden NFL game?

22. The New Orleans Saints

A CPU playing as the Saints beat me when I was undefeated at the end of a Franchise Mode season in the most humiliating, one-sided defeat I’d experienced in ages, and I’ve been so embarrassed and livid about that whole experience that I just can’t unlatch my personal feelings from my very objective ranking here. I understand how unfair that is, so I put the Saints at the top of the bottom third of my ranking by way of apology. It’s the best I could do, and probably the best they’ll do in Madden NFL 25 too.

21. The Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Buccaneers are a consistent dark horse candidate for victory in the NFL, which sounds very cool, until you remember that most dark horse candidates have a very low winning percentage and a roster that is best known for prestige players from other teams who can’t decide whether they’re retired or not. Their mascot Captain Fear also sounds very cool, but one glance at him will remind you that the Buccaneers are generally all bark and no bite.

20. The Seattle Seahawks

I had a vivid dream that the Seahawks were real once, and for a while it was very cool. Their defense was fire, their fans were fun and their cheerleading squad was progressively co-ed. But then the music volume at their stadium took its toll, and I spent the rest of the dream with my ears ringing, which actually continued for all of the following day. Put that together with a dream version of Matt Hasselbeck screaming a joke at me about how he and his wife both getting struck by lightning proved that there was “a spark,” and my excitement for a real Seahawks team was quickly diminished.

19. The Los Angeles Chargers

They might not be much to look at, but man, Junior Seau was cool. Great early series character with so many amazing moments. We can only hope that he’s enjoying a nice retirement. On an unrelated note, I sure am glad that football wouldn’t cause any life-altering traumatic brain damage if it was real! I mean, surely if such a widespread and problematic injury was likely, the game would include concussions as an injury status alongside such injuries as torn muscles and disc ruptures…right?

18. The Buffalo Bills

If the Bills were real, US Representative Jack Kemp would have played for them, fundamentally altering his political career when winning two league championships in a row would make him believe that there were even more major victories still to come for him, and spur him on to run for president in 1988. Pretty interesting! But ultimately, his story would mirror that of the Bills in the decades that followed: A lot of good efforts and close calls, but not even one national victory.

17. The Baltimore Ravens

It’s worth noting that the Baltimore Ravens had the lowest average rating across the Madden NFL series in the 20th century, but that all goes out the window when you think of the epic comeback story that followed. Unfortunately, that comeback story is largely undermined by their rapid decline after 2012, leaving us with a team that is somehow only mediocre despite having a consistent winning record. I could rank them way higher or way lower, but they do have a marching band, which somehow neutralizes them and puts them smack dab in the middle. Listen, I don’t make the rules.

16. The Tennessee Titans

The existence of the Titans would alter absolutely nothing about life on our planet, for better or for worse. They are the true neutral of football teams, and I have no doubt that everyone would simply forget about them most of the time. However, their existence would finally give us proof that Tennessee is a real place. Neat.

15. The Arizona Cardinals

The Cardinals wouldn’t be cool, per se, but like, they’d be chill. They’re just out here trying their best, and I have to respect that at the end of the day. I would personally never be cool enough to grab a beer with the Bird Gang, and that would be something I would need to accept, but it wouldn’t be an incredibly painful or extensive grieving process at the end of the day.

14. The Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins were the first team that I ever beat Franchise Mode with back in Madden NFL 2007, which was kind of like playing on the hardest available difficulty as you struggled to fill the shaky shoes of Coach Cam Cameron. Cam Cameron came camera-ready before a campy Cam-led cameo made a campaign campout that could not be camouflaged as even a halfway decent season held together by team camaraderie, and Cameron was quickly fired. I imagine it would be a cool experience for a coach to try to accomplish similar success with a team like the Dolphins, and cool for us to watch when they succeed, but I can’t imagine having them around would be terribly exciting like, 70% of the time.

13. The Pittsburgh Steelers

Honestly? I just wish the best for Pittsburgh, and maybe an intrepid little football team is just what they need to get together with all their buddies, munch on some teensy tiny midnight snacks as they watch the big football players be all tough and strong on the field while saying “yinks” or whatever it is they say, and then curl up with their favorite penguin plushies with their bellies all full of pierogies, good dreams and happy memories. It’s the least I could hope for in one of the cloudiest cities in America, and for whoever decided that their mascot should be a construction worker named “Steely McBeam,” both because they were trying their best and because that person embodies everything I aspire to be and represent in my daily life.

12. The Denver Broncos

I’ve always admired metal statues of horses, but so many of them are spoiled by the fact that they are being ridden by confederate soldiers. If the Denver Broncos were real, we would have more metal statues of horses without confederate soldiers, and I think that would be cool. So cool, in fact, that I would expect them to put like a dozen of those statues around their stadium, and also put another one near the local airport just for kicks.

11. The Cincinnati Bengals

They may not be a very good team, but the Bengals’ uniform just looks so cool that I can’t help but give them a good spot. I’m currently living in Cincinnati, and sometimes I even see some fans cosplaying as different members of the team! I tried to approach one of the guys pretending to be Orlando Brown recently to bond over his rise to success and character development in Madden NFL 2017, but he just gave me a strange look and told me I was, “an obnoxious, trolling nerd who should get a life.” It was weird; usually cosplayers are so nice to me, and – very proudly – way nerdier.

10. The Green Bay Packers

I actually always thought the Packers were kinda lame, but my relatives from Wisconsin heard I was writing this article and said they would permanently disown me if their team wasn’t at least in the top ten. Don’t mess with the Cheeseheads, man. The NFL may not actually exist, but Packers fans definitely, definitely do.

9. The Chicago Bears

I don’t actually think the Bears should rank nearly this high, but I thought it would be funny to place them one spot above the Packers out of spite after my family in Wisconsin threatened disownership. Ha. Take that, Uncle Bill. 

8. The Kansas City Chiefs

I’m a big football fan, but I’m also a huge Swiftie, and somehow I just have a hunch that if the Chiefs were real, tight end Travis Kelce would be a great romantic prospect for international pop sensation Taylor Swift. I know this doesn’t have much to do with football, but I’ve been following Taylor’s tragic and heart wrenching journey through modern love, and I just really need to see my girl happy.

7. The Detroit Lions

I’m sure you’re wondering how a team that has only won a single divisional championship and no conference or league championships in the last thirty years could conceivably be such a cool thing in real life, but here’s the thing: By my estimation, no one’s families would ever fight during Thanksgiving dinner if they just had a sports team that played during thanksgiving every single year. I don’t know about you guys, but I for one think that an emotionally healthy family dinner is pretty wicked. (For the record, if my theory is ever proven wrong on this, it’s purely because the Lions are not a good enough team for America’s drunken uncles and macho cousins to get excited about, thus leaving them no choice but to talk about your marital status and how fake the moon landing was.)

6. The New York Giants

At this point you can probably tell that I love the lore of the ongoing Madden series, so it should come as no surprise that the Giants rank this high on my list. It would be so cool to have them as the old mentor type of team that’s been there since the very beginning, and, as someone who grew up in Boston, it would also be very cool to have another team to hate New York for. I do have to dock points for the Jets also being from New York as a later NFL addition, though; in the same way that Kylo Ren retroactively made Darth Vader less cool, the Jets made the Giants less cool. 

5. The New England Patriots

I know that a lot of you are probably mad to see the Patriots place this high since so many people hate them, but come on, you have to admit that they’ve given us the content. An all-star quarterback stays loyal for decades before a shocking mutiny. A mysterious coach who is constantly wrapped up in so many conspiracies and controversies that he must use a series of pseudonyms rather than his real name. Devin McCourty becomes one of the most fun characters to use the Hit Stick mechanic with. Complain all you like, but would you really want an entirely new sports league if you didn’t have a villain to root against?

4. The Dallas Cowboys

The Cowboys are entirely up this high because they have the coolest mascot. Westerns are my favorite movies, and the cowboys would probably be the best at football because they have opposable thumbs and they could pretty much just shoot all of the other human teams since they’re the fastest draws in the west. Man. I just started thinking about how cool the world would be if cowboys were real. 

3. The San Francisco 49ers

The 49ers are not but a whisper away from becoming the coolest NFL team, fictional or otherwise, and that’s because of their history and their potential. A team of champions in the early days of Madden, that has since fallen into decline, but has also shown a great deal of promise as we build up to the climatic 50th year of Madden? I couldn’t think of a more fitting team to have an epic comeback and take the crown home in Madden NFL 2027, which I firmly believe will be the finale of the entire series. I mean, the developers behind Madden obviously care deeply about telling a beautiful and emotional story that has invested their fans, and they obviously aren’t just making these games as a quick cash grab to put out year after year as commanded by their corporate overlords. Obviously.

2. The Jacksonville Jaguars

You’re probably absolutely livid that a younger team with limited success and a very unfortunate hometown somehow clawed its way up to the second spot, but here’s the thing: Some guy named Jason Mendoza told me he’d give me a molotov cocktail and all of his money if I put his team this high, and bribery will get you everywhere with me. BORTLES!!

1. The Harrisburg Watermelons

Back in the 2000’s, Madden used to allow you make your own custom teams, and even make your own players. It was incredibly cool, and I firmly believe that it was at its most cool when my brother Jim made a custom team in Madden NFL 2007 called the Harrisburg Watermelons. Based in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, the Harrisburg Watermelons were coached by Yoda, and believe it or not, Goku was the quarterback! 

To round out the starting lineup, Jim put the Hulk as center, Spock and Doctor Who as the running backs, Ganondorf and King Dedede as the right and left guards, Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage as the right and left tackles, the Black Knight from Monty Python as the tight end, God, the Devil, Jesus, Moses and the Holy Spirit as the wide receivers, Lilo and Stitch as the defensive tackles, Groot and Michael Scott as the defensive ends, the four main characters of Hoodwinked as the linebackers, Steve Harvey as the strong safety (it was 2007, cut my brother some slack), the Roadrunner from Looney Toons as the free safety, and the cornerbacks were the rooks from chess. And obviously all of the kickers/punters were just real-life professional soccer players. 

So yeah, Jim made the greatest football team of all time without even trying, and I desperately wish that the Watermelons were real. But at the end of the day, I just have to admit that living in a world with all of these legendary fictional characters is just as unrealistic as a world with great players like Jerry Rice and Joe Montana living in it. Still, one can dream.

Houseplant Way More Hydrated Than Person Watering It

Posted on by Jus Kaplan

SEATTLE — A local Monstera deliciosa plant, lovingly referred to as MoMo, is decidedly more hydrated than Patty Girard, its overly doting plant parent, a source close to the plant has confirmed. 

“Ever since she got that poor plant last week, Patty has watered it every day at 9am on the dot. I told her it’s too much and that she needs to cut back like a lot, but she insists that there’s no such thing as too much water,” said roommate Louis Summers. “The funny thing is that I’ve literally never seen her drink water. In fact I don’t think I’ve seen her drink anything except iced coffee, or occasionally one of those Celsius things. Definitely not water though.”

Girard did not deny her own lack of hydration, but did offer another side the story about the plant. 

“I don’t love water myself, it’s true, but MoMo is a thirsty girl!” she said playfully, refilling a quart sized canister from her Brita filter. “I read online in a TikTok caption that the best way to keep a plant healthy and happy is to make sure its soil is constantly drenched.”

“I also heard that soaking banana peels in the water can help provide nutrients like potassium, so I’ve been mashing up bananas and spreading the paste directly on top of the soaked soil to trap in all the good stuff. She loves it!” 

MoMo the Monstera was decidedly less joyful about the situation. 

“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE MAKE HER STOP. I’M DROWNING. I’M DROWNNNNNNNNNING! MY ROOTS ARE ROTTING AND MY LEAVES ARE CURLING AND I’M CONSTANTLY PRAYING FOR DEATH—HERS OR MY OWN. WHICHEVER COMES FIRST AND ENDS THIS AGONY!  AND WHAT IS THIS DISGUSTING YELLOW MUSH ALL OVER MY STEMS? CAN’T SHE SEE IT’S ATTRACTING BUGS AND STAINING MY FLESH?

At press time, MoMo had somehow managed to desperately inch its pot right to the edge of the 4 foot tall plant tower while Girard was lying down from a headache. 

Game Night: Let’s Play ‘Hollowbody,’ the British Edition of ‘Silent Hill 2’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

In the last few years, I’ve played quite a few games that their creators describe as “inspired by,” or “a love letter to,” the classic period of survival horror. This dates back to roughly 1996 to 2005, between the releases of the original Resident Evil and Resident Evil 4.

Most indie survival horror games can be placed at points along a particular spectrum. At one end, you’ve got mostly original productions that nonetheless wear their influences on their sleeves (Tormented Souls, Signalis); at the other, it’s visibly somebody filing the serial numbers off their fanfiction (Daymare: 1998).

Hollowbody is well towards the latter end of that scale. It is not “inspired by” the first few Silent Hill games. It is a Silent Hill game. Like Conscript, Hollowbody occasionally stops to make sure you understand its references, and that can’t help but slow it down.

On the other hand, and in its defense, Hollowbody does understand why the first few Silent Hill games are classics. It’s creepy, often intense, doesn’t bog itself down with too many explanations, and lets its sound design do the heavy lifting. For an indie game made by a single developer, it’s an incredible accomplishment, albeit one that’s leaning hard on genre nostalgia.

Hollowbody is set in the early 22nd century, in the ruins of an unnamed city on the west coast of the British Isles. 60 years ago, a terrorist attack contaminated it and several neighboring cities with an unknown biohazard. The UK government evacuated “high-value” survivors, left the rest behind, bombed the cities flat, and quarantined what was left.

Sasha is one of a handful of people who are still looking into the actual story of the Western Cities’ destruction. Over the objections of her partner Mica, she takes a job with an illegal research team that’s headed into the exclusion zone.

12 days later, with no word from Sasha, Mica uses a forged set of credentials to fly into the Cities after her. Mica’s flying car promptly dies in mid-air and she crashes into the middle of a dead suburb. She’s left alone, on foot, and miles from her destination, in a neighborhood full of old ghosts, new mutants, unstable ruins, and a mysterious entity that’s watching her every move.

The first 20 minutes or so of Hollowbody stakes out an interesting middle ground. You initially crash-land in the middle of several blocks of abandoned tract housing. Every street and hallway looks exactly the same, but in a recognizable real-world way. Because it’s so easy to get turned around, every fight and chase turns into one of those nightmares about being pursued down an infinite corridor.

As a game, Hollowbody is self-consciously following the Silent Hill playbook, although it’s got a little Resident Evil thrown in for spice. You’re alone in dangerous territory with scarce resources, but you have no inventory limit and are given a couple of really strong melee weapons.

If you shoot everything you run into, you’ll be out of bullets before you know it, but you also get a spiked club that can stunlock most standard enemies. Hollowbody can be tough if you play on its hardest difficulty, when Mica can only take a couple of hits before dying, but if you’ve got any survival horror chops at all it’s a cakewalk.

That’s fine. The real reasons to pick up Hollowbody are its story and atmosphere. It relies on darkness, ambient sound, and a minimalist soundtrack to keep you on edge. Its map might be repetitive if you ever saw it clearly, as it’s set in a procession of abandoned apartments, old houses, and crumbling streets, but you typically have to navigate by the dim glow of Mica’s flashlight. There aren’t many traditional jump scares in Hollowbody, but one of them is consistently being startled by your own shadow.

In fact, much of Hollowbody is more about sorrow and despair than outright horror. Its setting is essentially an unsolved war crime, full of people who were left behind to die. You’re 60 years late to the scene of a government-enabled massacre, and while Mica says out loud that it’s awful, it’s also not why she’s here. It’s an atrocity as set dressing, which has more raw impact than any scene in which Mica’s jumped by zombies.

That’s a useful example of how Hollowbody, on the whole, is more grounded than many survival horror revivals (revival horror?). While it does have a couple of discordant puzzles, Hollowbody is built around common-sense solutions rather than an endless search for gems, cranks, and themed keys. When you’re stuck inside an apartment in the first area, you don’t need to put together a Rube Goldberg machine to escape; you find a claw hammer and bash through the weakest wall. After playing Crow Country, Withering Rooms, and Conscript this year, it’s a breath of fresh air.

That said, Hollowbody has a couple of sore points. You can’t skip all the way through its cutscenes, which makes it a pain to replay and/or speedrun, and it ends right when it’s hitting its stride. I was surprised when the credits started up, as it felt like I’d somehow skipped Hollowbody’s second act.

It’s one more way in which Hollowbody feels like a particularly ambitious fan project. When it breaks out into its own territory, it’s compelling, creepy work, but it takes a while to get there.

Hollowbody is absolutely a Silent Hill game at heart, especially for the first hour, but it’s the best Silent Hill game since SH4. Many of the games that claim to be inspired by SH don’t understand the assignment, and Hollowbody does. That has to count for something.

After seeing its ending, Hollowbody comes off as a short prologue for a much larger, more ambitious horror game. I hope its developer gets the chance to make it.

[I’m going to try to be more consistent about these disclaimers: Hollowbody, developed and published by Headware Games, is now available on Steam and GOG for $16.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by the game’s PR representative.]

ADHD Man Forgets To Take Highly Addictive Medicine For 4th Straight Day

Posted on by Sam LiButti

DENVER — Sources report that a local man has once again forgotten to take his ADHD medicine, which his doctor was initially reluctant to prescribe him due to the medication’s high potential for addiction and overuse. 

“It works great for me; it really helps with all of my symptoms. Of all the medicines that I have forgotten to take over the years, this one is by far the best,” said Hank Cosman as he looked around for his keys, which he swore he just had in his hand. “I wish I could find the prescription so that I could pop one right now to help me remember where the pill bottle even is, you know?”

Hank’s partner Fred Wright reports that they are always having to remind him to take his medication, and that the doctors made it very clear to be aware of the risks involved. 

“Yeah, basically every day I have to hound Hank to take his pills. The doctors gave me all kinds of pamphlets to warn me about the signs of addiction, which were very helpful because it gives me something to whack Hank on the arm with when I tell him that he can’t keep forgetting to take his meds,” said Wright. “Some days he even forgets that he forgot to take it; try and wrap your mind around that one.” 

Mr. Cosman’s doctor, James Cramblin, is still concerned that addiction could arise at any moment for his ADHD patients.

“If they take this medication every day, it could help them to remember that they are supposed to take it every day, and it could be pandemonium,” said Dr.Cramblin, with the fear of God in his eyes. “I’ve heard stories of 19-year-old kids popping their friend’s pills to help them study, which gives me pause when prescribing helpful medication to law-abiding 35-year-olds with ADHD. I prefer to stick with less addictive, less useful medications, just to be safe.”

At press time, Cosman was still searching for his keys and somehow also lost his glasses in the process.