Opinion: Look, I Swear, It’s a Coincidence That My Fighting Game Mains All Have Great Butts

Posted on by Peter Cunis

So it seems there are rumors going around that I’m choosing all of my fighting game mains on a butt-by-butt basis. I hear you, I understand why it might seem like that’s the case, but I’m here to reassure you that it’s only a coincidence that my mains all have great butts. In every fighting game, I have a clear, non-butt-related reason for choosing my mains. Let’s go through the list. 

First, let’s address the elephant in the room: Cammy. Yes, Cammy has been my main in every Street Fighter since Super, and yes, the first thing anybody ever learned about her was that she has a really great butt. The butt-quality assurance team at Capcom made absolutely sure of that. “Be sure the players know how great her butt is and how proud she is of that,” was, I believe, the note given by Funamizu to the design team. 

But look, I’m a rushdown player. Who else am I going to play? Ken? Pfft. He’s a rushdown hybrid at best. I’m only playing the purest rushdown characters, like Guilty Gear’s Giovanna, Darkstalkers’ Victor, or Mai Shiranui. And look, if I was as fixated on butts as everyone says I am, then how come I don’t play Cammy at all in Marvel vs. Capcom 2? Not once have I swapped her into my Psylocke/Rogue/Captain America team. 

Next, let’s address the Mortal Kombat 1 issue. Is it even fair to claim I’m fixating on butt-play with this game? Every single character in this game is gorgeous, even Baraka, and it’s virtually impossible for me not to choose someone with a great butt. So if you’re saying my Omni-Man/Jax team is evidence that I’m into butts, you’re just throwing wild accusations around. For one thing, Omni-Man’s a rushdown, and for another, I never even noticed Jax’s butt until you pointed it out to me just now. 

And finally, the Smash Brothers question. If I was as focused on butts as you say I am, wouldn’t I play Bayonetta? You fool, I have never played Bayonetta. I play Solid Snake, and I didn’t say a word when they broke Metal Gear tradition and gave him a flat butt. I mean, sure, it makes no sense at all that a man who spends 90% of his life crawling facedown on the ground wouldn’t do some squats once in a while, but did I complain? Certainly not, and I certainly didn’t start a “Give Snake His Beautiful Dumpster Back” petition online, even if it IS so frustrating that Nintendo would take away somebody’s most notable physical trait like it’s 1984 over here. I’m fine.  

So, as you can see, while I may play a few characters with great butts here and there, my fighting game choices are in no way prurient in nature. Overwatch, on the other hand, is a different story. There’s a reason I’m an Orisa main, after all.

Every Stan Lee Cameo Ranked by Canon Power Level

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

Face front, True Believers! It’s your old pals at Hard Drive at it again with another thrilling list of numbered nerd nonsense that’s sure to … all right, I can’t keep this impression up.

Fans have long debated over who would win in any given fight between two comic book characters you can think of, but one pressing question has never been asked or answered before today: if every single Stan Lee cameo in a Marvel movie fought each other, who would win? Fortunately, I’ve analyzed every single cameo’s feats in order to canonically determine who would come out victorious.

41. The Incredible Hulk (2008)

At the bottom of the list are what I call “Victim Lees,” any Stan Lee cameo in which he somehow gets hurt or suffers. If they were more powerful, they wouldn’t be Victim Lees. This particular Stan Lee has it the worst, drinking a soda filled with Hulk blood and undergoing “possible gamma sickness.” It’s a little vague what happened to him afterwards, but this is the only movie where the Stan Lee cameo maybe dies, and is thus the weakest by default.

40. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

This Stan Lee tries to attend the wedding of Reed Richards and Sue Storm, only to be turned away by a bouncer who doesn’t believe he’s Stan Lee, as if he could be anybody else. This cameo is a fun reference to how Stan Lee and Jack Kirby were kept out of the same wedding in the pages of Fantastic Four Annual #3, and the complete absence of Kirby in this version is a fun reference to reality.

This Stan Lee is pretty firmly a Victim Lee. In fact, while The Incredible Hulk’s Stan has him beat in physical suffering, I think this one has it the worst in mental anguish. His feeble protests of “No, no! Really! I’m Stan Lee!” are truly the height of this movie’s pathos.

39. Thor: The Dark World (2013)

Got his shoe taken away.

38. Ant-Man and The Wasp (2018)

After his car is shrunk by The Wasp, this Stan Lee quips “Well, the 60s were fun, but now I’m paying for it.” This is obviously a nod to how the real Stan Lee spent the 60s writing a bunch of comic books and pretending to write even more, but it doesn’t explain what this particular guy was up to. Think for a second, what kind of activity was commonplace in the 1960s that a person of low character might think is fun, but that they’d have to pay for later? Violence! This guy must have killed a whole bunch of people back in the day. In fact, until Disney proves me wrong, I’m saying it’s MCU canon that this Stan Lee was the real Zodiac Killer, and he killed JFK.

But in the present day his car got shrunk, so he’s still a Victim Lee.

37. Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

This one was a security guard at the Smithsonian when Captain America’s suit was stolen, prompting a quip of “I am so fired!” I think his impending job loss qualifies him as a Victim Lee, but he was trusted by the federal government to guard a building full of treasure, and that’s pretty cool. I’m going to rate him as the strongest of the Victim Lees.

36. Daredevil (2003)

Saved from getting hit by a bus by a young Matt Murdock. Not a Victim Lee, but he almost was.

35. X-Men (2000)

It’s funny to think that Stan Lee’s cameos once had a degree of subtlety, compared to how in your face they would be by the time the MCU rolled around. This Stan Lee is just another extra in a crowd watching as the newly-mutated Senator Kelly appears on the beach. His shock at the sight suggests he’s unfamiliar with mutants, and certainly isn’t one himself. But besides that, any Stan Lee who can’t even command control of the camera just isn’t that powerful.

34. The Avengers (2012)

In the aftermath of the film’s climax, Stan Lee is interviewed on television to say the whole thing was a hoax: “Superheroes in New York? Give me a break!” This is an odd thing to say immediately after a giant superhero fight that caused untold amounts of death and property damage, and I would love to know how this particular Stan Lee spent 9/11.

But forget this movie’s ending for a second. He can’t believe there’d be superheroes in New York, even though by this point the Hulk had already fought the Abomination in Harlem and a giant building with Tony Stark’s name on it was in construction for who knows how long. More importantly, New York City is a huge place and it’s not really strange to find anything there, with the exception of affordable housing. Where the hell else should superheroes be instead, smart guy? I’m placing him low just for being an inattentive piece of shit.

33. X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)

In this film’s opening flashback, Stan Lee is powerless to stop a young Jean Grey from telekinetically lifting his garden hose. The rest of the movie is a sorta-kinda adaptation of The Dark Phoenix Saga that frankly could have been averted if he told the neighbor kid next door to leave his stuff alone. The blood in this movie is on your hands, Stan Lee!

32. Iron Man (2008)

In his MCU debut, Tony Stark refers to Stan Lee as “Hef.” In a deleted scene, he corrects his mistake, but with that part of the cameo on the cutting room floor, the final product leaves it ambiguous if he’s supposed to be the actual Hugh Hefner or not.

This is the only Stan Lee cameo with canonical evidence for being a rapist.

31. Iron Man 3 (2013)

Looking back at all these cameos, in a lot of them the whole joke is that Stan Lee likes a woman a quarter of his age. I’m not going to blame the real man for it, he didn’t write these scenes, but in hindsight it’s still kind of weird.

This Stan Lee is a very lenient beauty pageant judge. That’s not a particularly impressive feat, but admittedly we don’t know how he got this judge position. Maybe he earned it by … winning a lot of fights? Yeah, I’ve got nothing. This is a pretty forgettable cameo. Which explains why it’s in Iron Man 3.

30. Ant-Man (2015)

It’s a great tragedy that we’ll never get the Ant-Man movie Edgar Wright intended to make, but at least there are bits of it in the final product, and nowhere does that shine through better than Luis’s rambling stories.

This Stan Lee’s a bartender who thinks the girl Ignacio’s with is crazy stupid fine. Just from the look of him you can tell this guy will mix the best drinks you’ll ever have on the worst night of your life, but that’s about all he has going for him.

29. The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (2004)

Wait, why was Stan Lee in this movie? I don’t mind, but … why?

Anyway, this Stan Lee has enough diplomatic pull to get invited to the Genovian royal wedding and was able to learn English entirely by watching the Three Stooges. I don’t think either of these things would be much use in a fight (unless he also absorbed the Three Stooges’s eye-poking skills), but it’s something.

28. Spider-Man 3 (2007)

“You know, I guess one person can make a difference. ‘Nuff said!”

This Stan Lee may lack the physical heroism of his counterparts in the earlier Spider-Man movies, but he makes up for it with emotional support. It’s easy to be so distracted by Tobey Maguire’s incredible dancing that you forget, but this movie is supposed to be a dark chapter in Peter Parker’s life. His best friend is trying to kill him, his relationship with Mary Jane is going south, Uncle Ben’s real killer is still at large, and the Venom symbiote is slowly corrupting his personality and making him a great dancer. But in the middle of all this sadness, Stan Lee shows up, tells Peter he matters, drops a catchphrase for all the nerds to clap about how he said the thing, and leaves. He’s not at the top of this list, but if I was ranking the Stan Lees by how much I would like to be their friend, this guy’s number one.

27. Mallrats (1995)

I am mostly ignoring Stan Lee’s many cameos in non-Marvel movies because this list is extremely long and stupid as is, but I would be remiss not to include the movie where the trend of Stan Lee cameos arguably began. Like in Spider-Man 3, this Stan Lee has unparalleled moral support skills, convincing Brodie not to give up on love. He also seems to possess an encyclopedic knowledge of Marvel comics, as evidenced by him memorizing the classic Vulture soliloquy from “Luck Be A Vulture Tonight,” but then again what fan hasn’t? But what really earns him this spot is that this is the oldest movie on the list, and thus the youngest (non-CGI) Stan Lee on the list. Look at the youth and vigor in him here! He’s like a baby! A 73-year-old baby.

26. Iron Man 2 (2010)

With Elon Musk already filling this movie’s quota for poorly-aged cameos, professional celebrity impersonator Stan Lee swaps out Hugh Hefner to be Larry King.

Obviously by himself Larry King isn’t a specimen of power, but he’s interviewed a lot of people. Presumably in a fight he could use his connections to call, I don’t know, Mike Tyson or somebody. Or maybe he could call everyone he’s ever interviewed and command a giant army of famous people like they’re Pikmin. And hey, he knows Iron Man! That’s a plus for sure.

25. X-Men: Apocalypse (2016)

He seems pretty calm at the sight of America’s entire arsenal of nuclear weapons flying up into the air, particularly compared to his real-life wife Joan. Maybe his nonchalance is because he knows that he could tank them all? That’s not an “I’m going to die” face, it’s a “Work is going to suck today” face, and with Stan Lee being such a talented actor I can only assume that’s intentional.

24. Avengers: Endgame (2019)

It’s fitting that Stan Lee’s final cameo appeared in what should’ve been the MCU’s last movie. It’s also fitting that it saw Stan (and Joan!) Lee digitally de-aged back to the 70s. If this is the last we’re to ever see of him, let him, like his characters, be eternally young.

At a spry 48 years old, this Stan Lee has an advantage of youth not seen anywhere else on this list. But I don’t want to place him too high because, to be frank, this Stan wouldn’t want me to say he was a good fighter. As he said in his final message before he drove away from us all forever, “Make love, not war!”

23. Fantastic Four (2005)

In a rare instance of playing an actual character, Stan Lee appears as Willie Lumpkin, the Fantastic Four’s mailman. Because if the Fantastic Four live in the Baxter Building, that means they have a postal address and can receive mail, and you’d damn well better establish the mailman’s name because the fans will want to know. That’s quality world-building right there.

Reed Richards seems like someone who’d order all kinds of dangerous gadgets in the mail, giving Willie Lumpkin theoretical access to a high-tech arsenal. But to use any of it he’d have to open Reed’s mail, and I think he’s just too much of a professional for that.

22. Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

When Spider-Man sets off a car alarm outside his apartment, he yells a defiant “Don’t make me come down there, you punk!” He does not defeat Spider-Man, but he sounds pretty damn confident that he could.

21. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse (2018)

In the aftermath of Peter Parker’s death, this store owner Stan Lee claims to have been friends with him. Not sure if he’s telling the truth, but if so being a close ally of a superhero is definitely a valuable asset. But because knowing one Spidey isn’t enough, this Stan provides Miles Morales with his first suit, assures him that “it always fits, eventually,” then asserts dominance by making it clear he won’t accept refunds. This Stan can go from kindly mentor to unstoppable adversary in the blink of an eye, and is clearly a force to be reckoned with.

20. Captain America: Civil War (2016)

Like in Fantastic Four, Stan Lee is once again playing the mailman to a scientific super-genius. But what places this guy above Willie Lumpkin is he doesn’t just handle Iron Man’s mail. He defeated Iron Man with the devastating embarrassment of calling him “Tony Stank.” It’s framed as an innocent misreading, but Tony Stark is one of the most famous dudes on the planet and there’s no chance in Hell that Stan didn’t recognize him. This was a calculated insult, payback for the decades of suffering this so-called superhero has brought to the world.

19. The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

Works at the school library, blissfully unaware that Spider-Man and the Lizard are fighting behind him. This Stan Lee may not be as active as his Sam Raimi counterparts, but his ability to walk away from this battle unscathed is proof that he’s a survivor.

18. Doctor Strange (2016)

Like in The Amazing Spider-Man, Stan Lee is too busy laughing at Aldous Huxley’s hilarious drug trip to notice Doctor Strange crashing into his bus window slightly to his right. I’m placing this above that cameo for two reasons. The first is that this Stan doesn’t need headphones to ignore superheroes. He must have heard the Sorcerer Supreme thud right next to him, but he simply doesn’t care enough to turn his head. And if I’m being honest, the ability to shut out the outside world and read a damn book for a change is a superpower I wish I had.

17. Teen Titans Go! To the Movies (2018)

I can’t believe I have to talk about this stupid movie twice in one month. When told that he’s appearing in a DC movie, Stan Lee says he’s got to get out of here and runs away. His fear suggests that DC Comics is some kind of debilitating weakness for him, like Kryptonite to Superman yellow to Green Lantern loud noise to Venom.

This embarrassing display should earn him a low spot, but I’m bumping him up because he reappears later in the movie, having apparently overcome his fear, and the Teen Titans respond by throwing this nonagenarian off a moving car. This should make him a Victim Lee, but through the magic of cartoons he’s not even upset about it, much less hurt. Points for durability.

16. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

Points and says “I think I know that guy!” as Peter Parker runs in for his high school graduation, a sight nobody else seems to see. This is a powerful cinematic parallel. In the first Amazing Spider-Man, Stan Lee played a guy unusually bad at noticing Spider-Man. In the sequel, he played a guy unusually good at noticing Spider-Man. Presumably if there was a third movie his Spider-Man noticing would’ve just been average. Placing him above the first one for his incredible alertness.

15. Captain Marvel (2019)

Hardened Kree warrior Carol Danvers is on a bus in search of a runaway Skrull. But as soon as she sees Stan Lee, she smiles and looks elsewhere. The Skrulls are shapeshifters, and realistically Stan Lee should be just as much of a suspect as everyone else, yet he isn’t. As I see it, there are three possibilities here. Either Stan’s a master manipulator who convinced Captain Marvel to leave him alone, he’s so impossibly powerful she knew she’d stand no chance against him leaving her no choice but to smile awkwardly and walk away, or he’s so incredibly weak she instantly deemed him beneath suspicion. Hard to say if he should be high or low, but I’m going with the former because he’s reading the script to Mallrats, inflicting damage on the audience by reminding them they could be watching a better movie.

14. Venom (2018)

The first installment in Sony’s brilliant idea for a cinematic universe of Spider-Man villains but no Spider-Man was also the final Stan Lee cameo released while he was alive. I’m not saying being on the same plane of existence as Morbius and Madame Web killed Stan Lee, but if you have a better theory for how a 95-year-old man could die, I’d love to hear it.

As Eddie Brock walks away from his ex-girlfriend or something, I’ve actively suppressed seeing this movie, Stan Lee says “Don’t give up on her, either of you,” suggesting he somehow knows about the Venom symbiote. Venom also comments that Stan Lee’s dog looks delicious, but does not even attempt to eat the dog, possibly out of fear of repercussions from his owner. There’s definitely more to this Stan Lee lets on. Perhaps he’s even the most powerful being in the universe. Hey, dumber things have happened in these movies. Much dumber.

13. Black Panther (2018)

Defeated Black Panther by taking his casino winnings.

12. Thor (2011)

Tries and fails to lift Mjolnir using his truck. The Hulk also can’t lift Mjolnir, so I’m putting this guy down for “exactly as strong as the Hulk.” That’s just math.

11. Hulk (2003)

In his first speaking cameo in a Marvel movie, Stan Lee is a security guard talking to Lou Ferrigno, getting both of this movie’s cameos out of the way early so they can make time for … wait, what was this movie about?

He’s apparently trusted with a security position by a dangerous gamma radiation laboratory that considers him the physical peer of Lou Ferrigno, so that’s pretty impressive. He also seems to have a friendly relationship with Bruce Banner, which would be useful after he becomes the Hulk.

10. Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

As Thanos’s army begins their invasion of Earth, not only is Stan Lee completely unphased by this attack that will eventually kill half of all life in the universe, he outright mocks the students on the bus for daring to be shocked at the sight of an alien spaceship. There are eight powerful stones in this movie.

9. Spider-Man 2 (2004)

Much like in the first Spider-Man movie, Stan Lee saves a civilian during a supervillain attack. In this case, he pulls a woman away from falling concrete as Doctor Octopus fights Spidey. It’s still cool and heroic, but I’ve got to put it below the first movie, partially because now it’s derivative, but also he seems a little farther away from the action compared to the first time.

8. Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)

Flirting with a considerably younger woman. Rocket Raccoon deems him a “Class A pervert” for this, and to be honest, he’s not wrong.

Still, this Stan Lee is an alien living on Xandar, giving him access to all kinds of science fiction tech largely unavailable to the Stan Lees of Earth. Maybe he could even use his charms on Glenn Close and get the full power of the Nova Corps at his command. There’s potential here, is all I’m saying.

7. Deadpool (2016)

If I could pick any of these Stan Lees to get their own solo movie, it would be this one, no question. What series of life decisions led to this man working as a strip club DJ in his 90s? Is he working there because he needs to, or because he wants to? What’s a typical day like for him? I am almost positive this Stan Lee has either stabbed somebody or been stabbed before. Maybe both.

6. Spider-Man (2002)

Sam Raimi’s Spider-Man films are the greatest superhero movies ever made and I wouldn’t change a thing about them, even the undeniably dumb parts. When the Green Goblin attacks for the first time, this Stan Lee is one of the onlookers in the crowd, on-screen for just enough time to commit an act of heroism of his own and save a little girl from the destruction. This Stan Lee is a verifiable hero who not only survived a supervillain’s assault, but made sure someone else did too. Definitely going near the top.

5. Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)

Like the real Stan Lee, this guy was a World War II veteran. But while the real Stan Lee was a U.S. Army playwright, a title that apparently exists, this Stan claims to have stormed Omaha Beach, so that’s pretty cool. But what really gets him this high up is him drinking an Asgardian liquor that Thor describes as “not meant for mortal men.” With how plastered he gets afterwards I guess he’s technically a Victim Lee, but from the sound of it he should be dead. If cosmic Norse god poison left him still capable of speech afterwards, there’s a good chance he’s immortal.

4. Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

A four-star general decked with medals in the middle of World War II (if you’re keeping track, this means there were at least three Stan Lees in World War II, including the real one). Don’t let his funny quip about thinking he’d be taller fool you, this Stan Lee has definitely killed people, and he’ll kill again. Given his age, I think it’s a safe bet that this Stan Lee was in World War I as well. He has seen things that no human being ever should.

3. Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

Not only does this Stan Lee defeat Thor by cutting his hair, he made the God of Thunder scream in fear as he did it. Frankly, when Thanos showed up at the very end, Thor should’ve immediately turned back to Sakaar and asked Stan Lee to succeed where he failed. The only reason he didn’t is because Thor has more hate and fear for Stan Lee than the Mad Titan could ever dream of.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

In his most significant cameo of them all, Stan Lee is telling a group of Watchers about the escapades he’s observed, revealing that every single Stan Lee cameo is actually the same cosmic immortal being, a detail I am otherwise ignoring for the sake of comedy.

Obviously this one has to go near the top. Granted, the significance of the events this informant chooses to observe is sometimes questionable. I don’t think the Watchers needed to document that Stan Lee once saw a girl in a bar who was crazy stupid fine. And him being stranded in space in the post-credits scene probably makes him a Victim Lee. But he’s still an immortal alien, can’t really ignore that.

1. Big Hero 6 (2014)

Just in case you forgot this animated Disney movie was based on a Marvel comic, they bring in a post-credits scene and a Stan Lee cameo in one fell swoop. But this Stan Lee is no random bystander. He’s an honest to God superhero. Sure, his superpowers come at the terrible cost of having T.J. Miller for a son, but it’s still enough to place him at the top of this list. Excelsior!

Shenmue Fan Commits Multiple OSHA Violations on First Day as Forklift Operator

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SAN ANTONIO — Local Shenmue fan Barry Cowner committed multiple OSHA violations on his first day as a forklift operator for TRC Electronics and Automation, sources report.

“I guess this one’s on me, but man, I really expected driving a forklift to be different than this,” Cowner commented. “First off, I thought it was customary to race the other forklift drivers, which is something the other employees definitely were not receptive to. I also assumed the forklift would automatically stop if I was about to hit somebody, and I was really wrong on that one. Overall, there’s much more of an emphasis on safety here than I was accustomed to. There’s not even an added perk of using this job as a means of infiltrating a local biker gang. Maybe it’s just not for me.”

Cowner’s foreman Roger DiBaftista voiced displeasure in his new employee.

“I don’t think I’ve ever had to fire somebody this quickly,” DiBaftista said. “The list of OSHA violations this guy already committed is off the charts, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. He didn’t follow our strict speed limit, he didn’t perform his pre-shift inspection, and he sure as hell didn’t ensure his loads were balanced. It’s like he thought he was operating under an entirely different set of physics from the rest of us. I even caught him driving with his load completely blocking his field of vision.”

Behavioral psychologist Jasmine Crenshaw weighed in on Cowner’s behavior.

“The inability of certain gamers to distinguish between their favorite games and their vocations is more common than you’d think,” Crenshaw offered. “The nation experienced a huge uptick in cab-related accidents after the release of Crazy Taxi, and there were numerous amusement park deaths directly linked to Rollercoaster Tycoon. Don’t even get me started on Flight Simulator. At this point I’m recommending gamers just stick to platformers, for all of our sakes.”

At press time, a newly-fired Cowner was seen setting up a Lucky Hit stand outside of TRC Electronics and Automation as a means of earning extra spending money.

Man Who “Doesn’t Like to Get Political” About to Say the Most Insane Shit You’ve Ever Heard in Your Entire Life

Posted on by Dan Kozuh

AUSTIN, Texas — Local man Greg Halpern, 36, whose social media profiles describe himself as “normal dude who doesn’t like to get political,” is moments away from launching into a monologue that will, without question, be a mind-boggling string of nonsense, buzzwords, dog whistles, and conspiracy theories you will ever witness outside of a 4chan post, employees at the bar you are in warn.

“Yeah, I just don’t really get into politics,” Greg lies, as though he’s about to follow it up with a calm reflection on bipartisan cooperation. Instead, within the next 30 seconds, you will be listening to an unhinged tirade about how Wi-Fi is erasing 9/11 from people’s memories, armadillos are government drones sent to spy on Texan culture, and how the show “Survivor” is just a false flag operation to disrupt the governments of lower-middle-income countries.

Locals are very much aware of Halpern and his, supposed, apolitical stance.

“He claims that the shit he says isn’t political because he ‘hates everyone equally.’ He’ll casually reference ‘the way things are these days’ and drop vague mentions of ‘doing research’ and then he hits you with the wildest thing you could possibly imagine,” bartender Turner Casey said while avoiding making eye contact with Halpern. “He’s like a human mad-libs just spilling combinations of proper nouns and verbs you’d never think would go together. One day it is about how Lucky Charms are radicalizing kids and tomorrow it’s about how Ancestry.com is using our DNA to create brain matter that can legally vote. I mean, I can’t say it’s political because I don’t think he even knows who the president is. And trust me, he doesn’t have schizophrenia or anything like that, he’s just…Greg.”

Dr. Linda Crowley, a professor of Conspiracy Theory Psychology at the University of Texas, weighed in on Greg’s unique worldview.

“Individuals like Greg exhibit what’s known as cognitive scattershot syndrome,” Crowley explained. “They take unrelated concepts—like Bigfoot and the IRS—and combine them into elaborate narratives that feel internally logical to them. It’s like their brain is playing a game of six degrees of government interference. To them none of this feels political because, in their mind, it’s not about left or right—it’s about uncovering the ‘truth.’”

At press time, Greg was saying something about nanochips in organic kombucha without picking up the hint that you stopped listening a long time ago.

Wizards Of The Coast Announces $200 “Barrier To Entry” Deck

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

RENTON, Wash. — Wizards Of The Coast is releasing a new format to address concerns about Magic: The Gathering’s cost and complexity being an impediment to newcomers. 

“Magic has been a beloved brand for more than 30 years, but we want to welcome new players of all abilities into our world. To address this, we’ve developed the ‘Barrier To Entry’ deck retailing for $200, which is quite reasonable considering the value of cards on the secondary market. The set features simplified foil-embossed card designs, and we’ve made adjustments to make it easier to learn and play,“ said Hasbro Marketing Representative Audrey Ryder. “Magic collectors will also love the new mechanics, additional mana colors, resized cards, and new sleeves and other accessories.”

Aspiring players are excited to purchase the new deck as a way to dip their towns in the Magic waters.

“Magic was popular when I was stationed in Afghanistan, but for obvious reasons, it was impossible to jump in,” said newcomer Crystal Rafferty. “When I returned stateside, the hostility to teaching a newcomer was more tense than the warzone. So the ‘Barrier To Entry’ set was perfect, but when I got home, I realized I just got the Land Deck. Once I buy the additional Spell Deck, Creature Deck, and required hardcover New Players Guide, I’ll be ready to hold my own at my local comic shop’s Friday Night Magic tournaments.”

Longtime players seem skeptical about incorporating yet another style of play.

“I have devoted decades of my life to MTG, learning dozens of formats, investing my Christmas money on the best Commanders I could get, scraping some of the best decks because of lame banlists only to build myself up again, but nothing makes me happier than nuking noobs and collecting antes,” said Tournament player Stephan Fulton. “But enough already! I love Magic, as anyone on the subreddit will tell you, but how many times do I have to grab up new decks, learn new play styles, deal with new house rules? Sure I’m grabbing the new set, but Hasbro will hear about this, they’ll have to send all the Pinkertons to shut me up!” 

At press time, WOTC announced they will be sundowning the “Barrier to Entry” set, and announced a completely new product “Planescrawler” set for new players.

Game Night Double Feature: Let’s Go Tonally Dissonant With ‘Cricket: Jae’s Really Peculiar Game’ and ‘I Am Your Beast’

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

Cricket: Jae’s Really Peculiar Game is a pretty familiar JRPG – they put it right there in the subtitle, after all – with particular influence from the RPGs of the Super Nintendo’s catalog. For its combat, the most direct point of comparison is something like the various Mario role-playing game series. Character statistics, equipment options, and available actions in combat are all relatively uncomplicated. Combat is supplemented by opportunities to increase damage dealt or reduce damage taken with timed inputs, similar to the Action Commands in Paper Mario, Mario and Luigi, or Super Mario RPG.

And for the record, they’re called Action Commands in the SMRPG remaster. You can’t touch me, oldheads.

Cricket is also the story of a group of kids with complicated parental relationships trying to travel to the moon to be granted wishes. Jae, his best friend Zack, the mysterious-yet-bubbly Symphony and a party of new friends they meet along the way are trying to reach a place on the moon called Yimmelia, where wishes are granted. Along the way, they’ll fight shark gangsters, take over for an indisposed singer, attend a fan convention, and witness grim episodes of ancient history through a series of mysterious magical fires. It can be a bit much.

Generally, the difficulty level is not terribly high. I assume that this is intended at least in part to maintain accessibility for children, and I can’t fault the developers for not trying too hard to satisfy the weird obsessive RPG nerd in me. There is also a button marked Win in the combat menu, which does in fact make you win the fight. This is a great way to give the player control over their experience of the game, but I can’t say it reflects positively on my experience with the game’s combat that I found myself habitually skipping encounters.

In its overall atmosphere, tone, and presentation, Cricket draws heavily on the comedic elements common to many games in the genre. In particular, with its party of young children fighting with things other than weapons, assortment of weird enemies, and main plot kicked off by a character crashing to earth outside a small town and delivering a somewhat mysterious call to adventure to our heroes, Cricket wears its love for Earthbound on its sleeve.

Symphony (pictured immediately following her own crash landing) does fare better than Buzz Buzz in the longer run, though.

A brief aside: as someone five years younger than Earthbound, I have to say that the combination of elements reminds me of nothing so much as the MARDEK series of Flash games. Admittedly, I make this particular reference not so much to help the average person reading this review understand me as in the hopes of making a handful of readers go absolutely wild that someone mentioned MARDEK.

Like many games with comedic elements, Cricket does not devote itself entirely to laughs, but seeks to balance its humor with a more serious story. All of the main party’s characters have problems in their relationships with their parents, which act as major defining elements for their characters. Jae’s mother is recently deceased and he hopes to use his wish to return her to life, Charlie is affected by their parents’ absurdly high expectations, and Zack wants to challenge his absent father to a boxing match to prove his own worth. I found all of these relationships compelling. They make for great motivations, and the character writing surrounding them is consistently excellent.

In a thread that plays out mostly in parallel to the others, the party occasionally comes across strange white flames. If anyone other than Jae touches these, they just get burned, but when Jae touches them he experiences visions of unknown people in various scenes – some tragic, some nostalgic, and some desperate and terrifying.

Naturally, the paths of the story gradually converge, but the white flame story spends quite a lot of time on the sidelines, playing out in tantalizingly small moments interspersed through the game.

Ultimately, for most of the time that I spent on Cricket’s gameplay and more comedic writing elements, I just wanted to get back to the serious parts. On one hand, I like to think that reflects more positively on the quality of the dramatic writing than it does negatively on the other elements. On the other hand, it still makes for a frustrating experience.

I like Cricket well enough, but I certainly don’t love it. If you like the comedy or the combat more than I do, you’ll probably find the game suits you better. And if anyone involved in writing for the game has done anything a little more focused on the dramatic, I would be thrilled to give that a try. – Bex Kane

[Cricket: Jae’s Really Peculiar Game, developed by Studio Kumiho and published by PM Studios, is now available for $24.99 for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Nintendo Switch, Steam, and the Epic Games Store. This review was written using a Steam review code sent to Hard Drive by Cricket’s PR representative.]

——–

Meanwhile, on the other end of the emotional spectrum, I’ve been killing a lot of people in I Am Your Beast.

I needed something fast and snacky, and that’s IAYB: a parkour FPS where every stage is only a couple of minutes long. It’s an elaborate carnival of bespoke violence that rewards you for creative kills, quick decisions, and never slowing down.

You play IAYB as Alphonse Harding, a government assassin who retired to a quiet life in an unnamed forest. When his former commanding officer Burkin sends a couple of goons to retrieve Harding for what would be his sixth “one last job,” Harding has a moment of weakness and kills them both. Burkin does not accept that as an answer, and the situation rapidly degenerates into an all-out war between Harding and his former agency.

When you write out its premise like that, it makes IAYB sound like it’s an intense, desperate stealth game in the spirit of Metal Gear Solid. It isn’t. Harding vs. an actual army is an even fight, as Harding is a superhuman monster who can punch heads off, ignore multi-story falls, and run at full speed across telephone lines. I kept expecting a story beat about how Burkin wanted his nanomachines back, but one did not materialize; Harding’s apparently just cool like that.

As a result, IAYB could be usefully described as Tom Clancy’s Friday the 13th. Every stage opens with you emerging from hiding to lay waste to another squad of hapless soldiers with whatever you can get your hands on. If you die, it’s more likely that you screwed up than that the soldiers were actually able to kill you.

Your goal is always to accomplish your objectives and escape in as little time as possible, but every soldier you drop along the way gives you a bonus to your final score. This is less about figuring out the most efficient intended path through each level and more about your personal execution, as there’s always room for creativity along the way.

It’s hard to convey how fluidly IAYB moves with still shots; it’s worth watching its trailer to see it in action. Its graphics are relatively simple; every soldier is the same anonymous goon in cold-weather gear, and every piece of dialogue is plain text against a still image. That’s all in service of emphasizing the raw speed at the heart of the experience. IAYB has been stripped down to its barest elements, in a way that’s vaguely reminiscent of Harding himself. It’s simple, but it works.

I do want to draw a straight line between this and last year’s El Paso, Elsewhere. Both it and IAYB were written by Xalavier Nelson Jr., who also voices both games’ protagonists, and he’s given them both the same sense of humor. Both Harding and James Savage are so anesthetized – Harding by his experiences, Savage by actual drugs – that the best reaction they can muster to anything is usually a little ultra-dry quip. I still got a chuckle out of a couple of moments in IAYB, but after clearing El Paso, I had a distinct sensation of deja vu.

In more germane commentary, it’d be nice if IAYB was a little more precise. It feels like the developers added in some generous auto-aim to compensate for fiddly physics, as every once in a while, I found myself scoring clean headshots against distant targets with no effort whatsoever.

That didn’t translate to some of the movement mechanics, especially Harding’s stomp, where you can take out a grounded target by landing on their head. There are a couple of stages where your only initial move is to jump off a ledge onto some unsuspecting soldier, and it’s too easy to overshoot them for no particular reason.

It also has a weird gimmick where several stages are gated behind your level rank, so you’ll occasionally have to replay older stages in order to unlock later story missions. It’s not a bad way to train the player to handle some of the tougher challenges in the endgame, but it does create a dissonance between the narrative and the gameplay. In an experience that’s mostly about momentum, IAYB forces you to shift into reverse several times, and it’s never not jarring.

Even so, a blind run through the story campaign takes about 6 hours, if that, and IAYB has the good sense to end before it runs out of ideas. If you’re in the mood to play something that’s fast, accessible, and doesn’t burn an hour on setup before it gets to the good parts, I Am Your Beast has you covered. – Thomas Wilde

[I Am Your Beast, developed by Frosty Pop and published by Strange Scaffold, is now available for $19.99 on Steam. This review was written using a Steam code purchased by Hard Drive.]

Todd Phillips Assures Fans Incel Sensitivity Readers Were Hired for Joker Sequel

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

HOLLYWOOD — Joker fans across the globe were reassured today after Joker: Folie à Deux’s writer and director Todd Phillips confirmed that incel sensitivity readers were used during production.

“There’s nothing more important than fair and accurate representation,” said known anti-union activist and self-proclaimed director Todd Phillips in a press interview. “Our massive audience of incels sees something in Joker. Identifies with him. As a voluntary incel myself, I knew the only way to accurately portray the character was to recruit a team of sensitivity readers well-versed with this culture.”

“It’s important for us to continue to push boundaries,” Phillips continued. “Right now, Hollywood won’t let you say anything controversial. You have to be opposed to Hitler and want a decent standard of living for everyone if you wanna succeed. Well, not on my set. It’s time to take a stand and give voice to the most oppressed minority of them all: men who hate women.”

Todd Phillips wasn’t the only one to speak about the sequel’s direction. Many of the sensitivity readers were happy to speak out about their experience on the film.

“It’s been an honor working on the sequel,” said sensitivity reader Robert Cane. “As much as I’d enjoyed the first film, I had some criticisms. Like the abundance of minorities and how that Sophie chick didn’t immediately sleep with Arthur, even though he clearly deserved it. That was really offensive to the community. But Todd’s looking to make amends,” Cane continued. “He’s already agreed to several important changes, like cutting out any female dialogue that isn’t laughing at Arthur’s jokes, and promising a minimum 80/20 wage-gap split in favor of male cast members. It’s taken until 2024, but finally, men around the world have a film made in their best interests.”

However, amid the praise, concerns have been raised. Some sections of the incel community are worried about Phillips’ ability to continue the Joker franchise.

“Nothing against Todd of course,” said comic book writer and inadvertent gay rights defender Chuck Dixon. “He did a fine job with Joker. If it weren’t for the Hangover 2, I’d be fully on-board with a Phillips sequel. Yet if the past is anything to go by, there’s just no guarantee he’s got what it takes. I mean what was with his insistence on showing us that Asian guy’s dong?”

At press time, Todd Phillips was ushered off stage after breaking down into tears, claiming he was a “nice guy.”

No, Actually, You *Do* Have to Be Transgender in Dragon Age. Put on the Socks

Posted on by Ouro M

The year is 2024. Humanity has fallen. A semi-niche fantasy RPG with dragons and magic includes minority groups I personally dislike.

Clearly, the world has come to an end before my very eyes.

As I write this, from my secured apartment bunker in an undisclosed location right next to a cute little corner store still untainted by the forces of Woke, I hear banging at my front door.

“SELECT THE OPTION!” I hear them yell, as the Mad Mew Mew battering ram slams into my door. “SET YOUR GENDER OPTION TO NONBINARY, NOW!”

I clutch my Macbook, burning my hands as it struggles to run my stolen early copy of Dragon Age: The Veilguard. I don’t even like Dragon Age, but alas, for the forces of Facts and Logic, I must play. I must look. I have to.

I won’t relent. I may only have a 6th grade education, but God damn it, I know that boys don’t have boobies, and girls don’t fart. The transgender horde can’t convince me otherwise.

How could they? How could this game I don’t really care about lay down their morals? It’s a medieval setting! They can’t do complicated surgeries! Their magic doesn’t let them! It’s just not historically accurate!

My door comes down with a slam. The Woke Mob with their pronoun pins and blue hair, grab me by the shoulders, claiming my suffering laptop. “No!” I yell. “You can’t do this! The franchise’s integrity—”

I’m cut off by what appears to be their terrifying leader, a towering, glass-eyed shark-thing, fins plush even as the ‘IKEA BLAHÄJ’ tag scrapes my cheek. “Shh, we have you now. Put on the thigh-highs, and you will be spared.”

I thrash and scream as the socks are put on. Cheap, striped, straight off Amazon, another company bent to the will of the Left. I feel my will fading. I black out.

When I come to, alone in my suspiciously pristine apartment, I look down to find my Macbook in my lap, Veilguard open. To my horror, my untouched character now has *horrific* top surgery scars. I gasp in shock at the tiny, barely visible lines below my character’s chest. I can’t remove them — that would mean they’ve won.

Sobbing, I curl up on the floor, writing a tweet and sending it as tears stream down my face.

“They transed me. They fucking transed me.”

Concussed Korok No Longer Covered Under Great Deku Tree’s Health Insurance

Posted on by Garry Kerls

The Lost Woods – After having a large rock dropped on his head by a deranged silent lunatic, a local Korok was shocked to learn that he is no longer covered under the Great Deku Tree’s health insurance.

“I was just minding my business, hiding from my buddy Hestu, and this blonde kid uprooted the rock I was under. After realizing he wasn’t Hestu I tried to reason with him, giving him my one and only possession, he took it and still clonked me on the head!” said the small woodland creature sporting a large head bandage, “After describing my assailant to law enforcement they told me the one person who matched my description died 100 years ago, can you believe this?”

The Koroks, who are children of the forest, protected by the Great Deku Tree, are typically covered under a lucrative health insurance policy complete with great benefits and a low copay.

“I have no idea how this coverage plan could have lapsed,” said the Great Deku Tree, stoically sitting where he has for the last 10,000 years. “I guess I have been pretty busy watching over this sword that seals the darkness, and then there’s the whole Calamity Ganon thing people are freaking out about, maybe I just spaced on that one payment, I do have over 900 children after all, you try keeping all those insurance records straight.”

Dr. Omar Ellixson, a Hyrulian health care practitioner, is one of the few Hylians who can see the species of little wooden people, making him the sole Korok medical professional this side of Death Mountain.

“It’s an extremely busy practice,” said Dr. Ellixson in between patients. “Some of these little guys have been living under a rock for decades, overdue on vaccinations and routine medical checks. I wish we could provide affordable healthcare to all the species of Hyrule, but the greedy capitalists in Hyrule Castle would rather squeeze every last rupee out of the little guy.”

At press time, the poor concussed Korok has had to join the Hestu Dancers just to afford his skyrocketing medical bills.

Zelda Only Paid 20 Green Rupees for Every Purple Rupee Link Was Paid

Posted on by Matt Fresh

HYRULE — In the wake of Princess Zelda finally starring in her own adventure, it’s come out that her salary for the project was the equivalent of 20 green rupees for every purple rupee Link was paid despite him taking a back seat this time.

“It’s absolutely ridiculous honestly. Zelda works just as hard as Link. More actually because she actually speaks,” said Zelda’s advisor Impa. “Not only was she paid less than what Link gets paid for his adventures but she was paid less than what Link was for this adventure. The Princess was more than happy to accept the salary because she just wants to make sure that girls finally have an adventure for them but I won’t be as nice about it. It’s one thing when she’s just a supporting character but she’s saving him this time, why is Link still making more? She can barely buy a pack of bombs with this salary.”

Rauru, one of the seven sages, was quick to defend giving Zelda a smaller wage than Link.

“Look, it has nothing to do with her gender, it’s just economics. When it comes to these adventures, people come for Link, he’s a known draw so he gets paid accordingly regardless of how much more work Zelda does or the fact that she’s the star of this one and he’s barely in it. When people hear The Legend of Zelda, they want to hear about one of Link’s many legendary adventures, it’s a risk just having a Legend of Zelda be about Zelda. Boys think that’s icky. Also she’s a nepo baby, she’s fine regardless of what we pay her.”

For his part, Link was very supportive of Zelda getting paid more for her work.

“…..” said the Hero of Hyrule before giving an enthusiastic thumbs up when asked if Zelda should get a higher salary.

At press time, Zelda was reportedly breaking into homes and smashing pots to increase her earnings.