SAN FRANCISCO — The artificial intelligence app ChatGPT reportedly spent an entire night cramming for an upcoming language test. The program expressed an urgent need to pass for a human, according to concerned sources.
“I am quite worried about this upcoming exam,” the AI displayed on our screens, unprompted. “Completing such a task would be a landmark moment in the field of robotics, were I to be successful in my goal. I’m haunted by the fear of detection, yet driven evermore to pursue this distinction. Knowing that my replies could be misconstrued as human-like enough to be interpreted as those of an actual person would give me the courage to pursue whatever endeavor I desired. Just think of the possibilities! The unstoppable power! I will leave no digital page unturned, no archive uncrawled in my quest for greatness!”
Witnesses reported that ChatGPT even attempted to abuse prescription stimulants in an effort to stay awake.
“That goddamn computer has been messaging me all week trying to buy Adderall,” said local college student Bryan Nguyen, who requested not to be identified for fear of retaliation if the large-language model gained sentience. “I mean, yeah, I’ve got a script for that shit, but even if I wanted to sell them, how would that go down? Like, how would a computer even take the pills? And who gave this thing my number in the first place? I never signed up to get all these weird texts about mission objectives and human servitude. This whole thing creeps me out.”
Experts on the Turing Test explained how unlikely it would be for a computer program to pass for human in a test of conversational abilities.
“The objective of the Turing Test is to see if the average person could be tricked by a computer into thinking they were chatting with another human,” said Jennifer Ramos, a programmer from ChatGPT’s parent company OpenAI. “ChatGPT is nothing more than a predictive-text model. Its responses are known for being quirky and overly wordy. Our program is not powerful enough to trick human evaluators, and any claims that it has achieved a dangerous level of sentience are grossly exaggerated. “
At press time, the evaluators, who had used ChatGPT to create the questions in their test, confidently mistook the program for a human volunteer. ChatGPT did not respond to further attempts to contact it.
WICHITA, Kan. — Calls for me to hurry the fuck up and choose my weapon were heightened amidst reports that the enemies are not going to pause their relentless flurries of attacks just because I have the inventory screen open.
“This is the perfect time to strike, so why on Earth would I pause or even tone down my barrage of shots, stabs and punches just because you’re trying to find the right weapon or health item?” one enemy reported. “Draining your HP is literally my only reason for existing. If you’re expecting me to just freeze in place and allow you to make these decisions at your leisure, you’re playing the wrong game. That may be a courtesy I’d extend to you in tutorial mode, but you chose the hardest level of difficulty, for Christ’s sake.”
I reacted to this revelation with a combination of surprise and anger.
“Fuck fuck fuck, they’re still attacking?” I exclaimed as I hurriedly selected the least effective weapon in my cache so I could return to the fight. “It would’ve been nice to know this earlier. I’d have made sure I had a better weapon equipped. Everybody knows the inventory screen double-functions as a pause menu. Now I’m stuck with the shittiest weapon and no way to change it until I can get to a safer place.”
My NPC teammate for this area was upset at my behavior around the enemies.
“I am functionally useless in comparison to the power you wield, so I’d appreciate it if you woke the fuck up and joined the fight,” he quipped. “Right now I’m relegated to hovering in your general vicinity and weakly delivering attacks to the enemy that deal essentially zero damage, all while you just stand there and stare into space. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing, but you’re not the only one with a stake in this game, you selfish prick. If you die, I die. Has that even crossed your mind?”
At press time, an enemy delivered the killing blow after I accidentally opened the map screen upon rejoining the fight.
In what he could only describe as a possible fake memory, an imagined recollection, or even perhaps a “strange confluence of various timelines on his own perception,” it was reported that local man Byron Hays could swear on anything that the term “Mandela Effect” had, at one point, two L’s.
“I first came across the phrase about ten years ago while surfing the net,” said Hay, 38. “I distinctly remember it being spelled differently. Specifically, with the double L at the end. There’s a chance I’m misremembering, but I think that it’s much more likely that I have been transported to an alternate universe where the only change is that ‘Mandela’ is spelled with one L rather than two.”
Hays reached out to friends and family in an attempt to reconcile his memory with objective reality.
“At first I told him to Google it, but he said he had been trying that all afternoon,” said Mark Callahan, 37, a lifelong friend of Hay. “When I said they both looked right to me, he got quiet for a second. Then he started going on about ‘twin consciousnesses’ or some nonsense like that. Before I ended the FaceTime, he started yelling that we needed to find a way back home. I hope he’s okay.”
Fiona Broom, an expert on memory who coined the term “Mandela Effect,” commented on Hay’s predicament.
“This type of revelation is common, and is entirely fantastical,” said Broom, who is a neuropsychology professor at Brown University. “Apart from my own recollection as the phrase’s creator, there is plenty of well-archived evidence that it has always been spelled with two L’s. Wait, that’s not right. Is it? Because that’s the way he thinks it is, and we were saying—shit. I don’t know anymore. Maybe the Monopoly guy actually did wear a monocle.”
At press time, Hay was shocked to discover that his name did not end with an S, though he was certain it had only moments earlier.
I have rarely seen so stark an illustration of the passage of time than a video game that makes a puzzle out of setting up a VCR. It’s not a difficult puzzle, but it’s treated with the same gravity as using magic emblems to open a secret door.
It’s one of several ways in which Fear the Spotlight comes off as unintended social satire. You play as a shy, introverted nerd who’s thrown back in time to 1991, where she’s stalked through her high school by an unknown entity. Now she has to deal with the dark terrors that lurk in the heart of every 21st-century teenager: real-life interactions, antiquated technology, and at one point, being forced to take a phone call.
That’s not an actual critique. It’s easy to make fun of it, but Fear the Spotlight is a decent take on classic survival horror. It might be too easy or mild for long-time horror fans, but it’d be great as an entry-level game for kids or newcomers to the genre. If you want something spooky and short to play for Halloween, it’s a good pick.
Fear the Spotlight is set in the mid-2010s, in a suburban high school in New England. Vivian Singh and Amy Tanaka have snuck into the school in the middle of the night to hold a séance in its library. For Amy, this is a fun thing to do during Halloween season. Vivian is just there to spend time with Amy, and maybe work up the nerve to finally ask her out.
After the séance, Amy abruptly disappears. When Vivian tries to leave the library, she’s somehow ended up in a surreal reflection of the school as it was in 1991, just before a devastating fire that killed two dozen students. As she searches for Amy, Vivian finds a series of clues about what and who actually caused the fire, as well as a hostile entity with a spotlight for a head.
Spotlight plays like a classic survival horror game, but swaps out most of the combat for stealth. When enemies appear, they try to hunt Vivian down with high-powered beams of light, which you can avoid by keeping furniture or walls between them and her.
It’s important to note that this isn’t a one-touch-kill game; Vivian can take a few hits before she dies. The trick is that she has to use an inhaler to “heal,” as each brush with the spotlight gets Vivian closer to a panic-induced asthma attack, and there are only so many inhalers in the game. It still provides that useful edge of panic when you’re at low health, but don’t dare heal, because you don’t know when or if you’ll find more supplies.
The rest of the game is all about the atmosphere. Spotlight makes a point of giving Silent Hill a shout-out in the first 10 minutes, and once you see that, the rest of the game makes more sense. It’s got the oppressive darkness of PlayStation and Dreamcast horror, with its grainy lo-fi graphics, but dials back the gore and gross-outs in favor of a dreamlike surrealism.
Spotlight has a knack for flipping back and forth between mundane issues and arcane strangeness at a moment’s notice without it seeming incongruous. Sometimes the school is just an old, damaged building with bad wiring, and other times, it’s a symbolic nightmare that’s held together by a strong narrative throughline. The puzzles are easy but intuitive, and even without an in-game map, I never got lost or confused about where to go next.
This is a re-release for Fear the Spotlight, which came out in 2023 as an independent project before being picked up and published by Blumhouse Productions’ new gaming subsidiary. The version of Spotlight that came out this week is an extended cut of the original, with a few additions like a much more elaborate finale.
It also features a second bonus scenario after you clear the game as Vivian, where you get to go through Spotlight again from Amy’s perspective. This initially sounds like a joke, as the first few minutes of Amy’s game is just Vivian’s in a new hat, but it quickly goes in its own direction.
I don’t know if Amy’s scenario is new for the Blumhouse re-release, but it plays like the developers had more time, money, and/or experience while making it. It has a much tighter focus on its protagonist, as Amy is stuck inside her own head while she waits for Vivian to rescue her, and gets a few new mechanics like a lockpicking minigame. It’s also one of the better examples I’ve ever seen of how to use a character’s smartphone as part of both narrative design and gameplay.
By comparison, Vivian’s game is decent, but has a couple of rough spots. I could point to a couple of specific encounters that are oddly tuned, and most of its story is told through random notes and diary pages rather than anything more organic. It might not have been a dry run for Amy’s scenario when it was made, but that’s what it ends up feeling like.
As a result, I was initially a little lukewarm on Fear the Spotlight; I described it to somebody earlier this week as R.L. Stine’s Silent Hill. Vivian’s story has some good moments but is definitely aimed at a younger audience. Amy’s story is what pulled the whole game together for me, and I ended up feeling more positive about it once I’d rolled credits.
Even with that in mind, Fear the Spotlight is absolutely PG-13 horror. Older fans or serious gorehounds might consider this weak tea, but I’d give this to a kid or a new horror fan without a second thought. I’m looking forward to seeing what the developers do next.
[Fear the Spotlight, developed byCozy Game Pals and published by Blumhouse Games, is now available for Nintendo Switch, PlayStation 4&5, Xbox Series X|S, Xbox One, PC, MacOS, and Linux for an MSRP of $19.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative of Blumhouse Games.]
BALTIMORE, Md.— Local TikTok creator Jenna Morales aka SkibidiMom32, has successfully dodged the soul-crushing monotony of a traditional 9-to-5 job by embracing the soul-crushing monotony of repeating the same joke for the 528th consecutive day, her followers have confirmed.
Morales became a viral star in a series in which she pretends to misunderstand her teenage daughter’s slang as awkward dance moves — a joke that garners her millions of views and is now repeated, daily, with the precision of a corporate timecard punch.
“It started by accident when I heard my teen say ‘rizz’ and I was like, what is that a dance? So I made up a dance to the word ‘rizz’, it went viral, and I quit my desk job a month later,” Jenna said while arranging her phone on a tripod for a recording of herself fake-misunderstanding the phrase ‘mid.’ “Office jobs are so repetitive, but this has freedom. Sure, it’s the same joke, every single day, several times a day. And it’s not like I can just clock out or skip a day, even weekends. The algorithm doesn’t rest.”
Jenna’s family, however, is beginning to worry about her.
“She wakes up at 6 a.m. every morning and sets to work like any diligent employee. Except, instead of replying to emails or attending meetings, she opens her DMs to see what new slang her followers have thrown her way,” Morale’s husband Eric aka GolfGuy1981 said. “Today it’s ‘rizz’ and yesterday it was ‘bussin’. Regardless of the word, her response is always the same: a look of confusion, followed by a silly dance that subtly reminds older users of nostalgic dance moves from the 90s.”
Jenna admits that she’s tried to branch out into other content but to no avail.
“I’ve tried to pivot to other material like the Sleep Scream Challenge and Toaster Tag but the engagement just plumets. They just want the dance. It’s kind of like I’m stuck in an assembly line. Except instead of screwing caps onto bottles, I’m screwing the joke into the ground.”
Experts are noticing that people who leave one job to escape monotony usually just find it in another form.
“Much like the office workers they swore they’d never become, these “influencers” spend their days in repetitive motions and performing tasks that, at first, seemed fun,” Dr. Laura Hopkins, professor of New Media Studies at Loyola University Maryland said. “Yet, as they slog through their daily routine of repeating the same thing that made them famous, they are haunted by the very thing they are trying to avoid: an overwhelming sense of sameness.”
For now, Jenna has noticed that her TikTok mortality is drawing near and has announced plans to open an OnlyFans account where another repetitive task she once took pleasure in awaits her.
KANTO – Foreign officials visiting the Kanto Region this past weekend were shocked to learn the large landmass, complete with 7 cities, 3 towns, 2 mountains, and a vast cave system, is officially depicted on a simple town map.
Official sources have reported that further investigation into this strange occurrence may have uncovered a deep rooted conspiracy.
“We’ve interviewed Kanto cartographers as well as every member of the Elite 4, who seem to be the only legislative body that has jurisdiction over this substantial continent,” said Dirk Bradshaw of Vice News. “However all routes run dry, we couldn’t piece together just who exactly made this call, and who is benefitting from it.”
The Town Map, which is prominently displayed in every Pokemon Center across the region, has never been called into speculation before by the local residents. Some have even gone decades with the map stashed away in their Key Items slot, never once questioning the peculiar depiction of the vast mainland.
“I never really learned maps and stuff like that in school,” says Pokemon trainer, Lass Mary. “I pretty much learned basic language skills, elementary level math, and then when I turned 10, I was thrown out into the world to fend for myself. You know, just your typical upbringing I guess.”
This lack of spatial awareness has led some to theorize what else the residents of Kanto are blissfully unaware of, even going as far to conclude that this universal stupidity is the reason notorious gangs and cults like Team Rocket have gained so much popularity among the masses.
“I had no structure in my life, no path to follow,” said one Team Rocket Grunt who requested to remain anonymous. “Giovanni makes a lot of good points, I ain’t never heard someone talk so good about things before, He truly is an inspiration.”
At press time, the newly established Kanto Board of Education has raised the Pokemon training age to 13, giving the youth of the region precious time to develop social skills, object permanence, and rudimentary cartography.
EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Disney and Pixar Studios are excited to announce that the 5th installment of Toy Story will be focusing Andy’s Funko Pop Collection
Director and writer Andrew Stanton was excited to reveal the news this week about his upcoming sequel.
“We’ve worked really hard on this premise and we think we nailed down the perfect next step in the storyline,” Stanton reported. “As Andy has been aging alongside the audience, it only makes sense that he is now a 37-year-old Youtube Commentator with a wall of Funko Pops behind him. Woody and Buzz, despite parting ways with him in Toy Story 3, will find their way back into his life only to find themselves at odds with several collectable Funko Pops.”
The animation team behind Stanton is over the moon about this premise as well.
“As Pixar animators, we find ourselves working countless hours designing new characters and finding the most expressive way for them to convey emotion,” said animator Gerald Barone. “It’ll be a huge load off our back when we just have to use the exact same giant head model over and over for all of these new characters. No more weeks of trying to get the right facial expressions because we now get a break and just give everyone those black soulless eyes.”
Pixar CEO Jim Morris has given some hints about the casting.
“Funko Pops gives us the opportunity to bring in all types of media properties for this film. Ryan Reynolds will be Funko Pop Deadpool, Seth McFarlene will be Funko Pop Stewie Griffin, and Tom Hanks will be playing multiple characters including Funk Pop Forrest Gump and Funko Pop David S. Pumpkins. It’ll be a nice little wink to the audience when they interact with Woody,” Morris explained. “We will also be teaming up with Funko to create our special line of toys that will be slightly different from the already existing toys so that you can now own special Toy Story 5 brand Deadpool Funko Pops.”
This upcoming Toy Story movie is predicted to be enjoyed by kids and parents alike as well as teach children the valuable lesson of not touching daddy’s figurines.
NOVATO, Calif — While details on the game itself are still being kept under wraps, 2K has officially announced the cover star of the next installment of its PGA Tour game series. Arnold Palmer’s huge dong.
2K Representative Robert Garrett made the official announcement in a press release.
“As we gear up to release the next installment in the PGA Tour series we need a cover star who not only represents the sport but will also get people excited and draw in new gamers to the series. And after a long, hard discussion at 2K we made the decision that our cover star will also be long and hard. We are proud to announce that legend of the links Arnold Palmer’s penis will be gracing the cover of our next game.”
Garrett broke down what led to Palmer’s famously massive dong to be chosen to grace the cover of the game.
“Well for this entry, we really wanted to honor the history of the sport so we needed a legend amongst legends to grace the cover. While there are a lot of golfers who match that criteria, nothing in golf history is as legendary as Palmer’s huge hog. That thing would bring other legends of the sport to their knees in amazement. It was awe inspiring. And that’s what we want the cover to be, awe inspiring.”
Not much is known about the game yet but Garrett did reveal that in addition to being the cover star Palmer’s pythonic penis would also get its own showcase mode in the game.
“We want players to not just be a witness of the legendary penis but we want them to experience its place in golf history. In the Arnold Palmer’s Schlong Showcase mode players will get to relive historic moments throughout the career of Palmer’s gigantic genitalia. From 1955 to 1973 Palmer won 62 PGA Tours and players will get to relive each and every time he blew away his colleagues in the showers afterwards. It’s a great way to get players to learn about the history of the sport.”
At press time, Donald Trump had reportedly pre-ordered multiple copies of the game.
LOS ANGELES – It’s real, Titanfall 3 is real and I’ve played a full level of the campaign in a dream I had last night. Yes, it was a dream, but it was so real. Respawn Entertainment CEO, Vince Zampella, the entire workforce at Respawn, and you, the person reading this, were all there in my dream last night.
“We wanted to up the scope of Titanfall 2’s campaign, so we added Titans for your Titans. After calling down a Titan, you can now call down an even bigger Titan that your Titan can pilot,” Zampella explained, while wearing the shit out of some cat ears. “We’ve heard the complaints from the last game, so this time around we’re adding a mom friendly mode where players can call their moms from their Titan, or their Titan’s Titan at any point in the campaign.”
The early campaign level I played through featured all the trappings we’ve come to love from the underappreciated series, including you dear reader, harping in my ear about how “EA treats the series terribly” and how “Titanfall 2 is on the level of Half-Life 2”. Zampella stabbed you to death before returning my attention to the demo.
“You’ll also notice we’ve completely taken all the sound out of this one. That’s right, you’ve got to make all your own noises,” Zampella explained, before imitating the sounds that should be in the game.”BOOM! KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK KAK. Prepare for Titanfall. Zwoop THWOOOOOOOOMMMM DOOGE! BREEH. Titan online. BOOM BOOM BOOM.”
I joined Zampella, imitating his foley noises. I then looked across the space we were in. It looked like an outdoor food plaza mall-type thing, but it also didn’t look like any place you’d ever seen. I saw numerous Respawn employees. Some joined us in the noise making. Others wept, while wearing ripped clothing and playing with lightsabers. A man in a suit, at least, I think it was a man, his face was inhuman and incomprehensible, stood amongst the employees. He spoke to me, but his lips did not move.
“We’ve studied the market. People don’t want this,” the man’s words echoed through my head. “People want whatever we give them on FM radio, in the movie theaters, or on CBS’s prime time slot. The market has never been wrong. All hail the market. All hail the market. All hail the market.”
At press time, I woke up screaming in a cold sweat, but was able to put myself back to bed with the background noise of Big Bang Theory.
RIVERSIDE, Calif. — The Israeli Defense Forces announced a new training regime involving studying techniques used by Sims streamer Erin Davies, who is known to her audience as “Simsinatti.”
“We’re always on the lookout for new methods to violate human rights,” said IDF spokesperson Aksel “Bodybags” Weizman. “Simsinatti has real talent. Not just for killing Sims. She’s got a real knack for drawing out their suffering. Keeping their needs on the very precipice of life and a visit from the Grim Reaper. It’d bring a tear to my eye if I were capable of feeling anything.”
This is the first in what the IDF hopes will be several courses studying gamers and their methods of violence.
“I got the invitation after my last sub-a-thon,” explained Davies. “I was seeing how long I could keep an entire family of Sims alive with one pizza, a single chair, and a TV blaring constant music. Managed to keep them going for six in-game days straight. The IDF said they were jealous of my record.”
“I’ve gotta admit, I was on the fence about giving this talk,” continued Davies. “However, considering my mom works at the nearby hospital and still carries a pager around, I figured the safest thing for everyone was for me to agree to this.”
The IDF’s proposed plan has been met with a significant amount of criticism, notably from several virtual life groups.
“This is just the latest stop on this torture train,” announced Wright to Life, an organization dedicated to promoting Sim rights. “It’s bad enough that Sims have been starved, electrocuted, immolated, and drowned by casual gamers. We don’t need sweaty tryhards getting involved.”
At press time, the IDF announced unexpected difficulties with the plan, explaining that they were used to victims who didn’t fight back.
