Dialogue Skip Shaves Seconds Off Grocery Speedrun

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WHITEHALL, Ohio — Shocking news in the world of speedrunning as a local nobody sets a new world record after discovering a critical dialogue skip at the local Kroger, sources there have confirmed. 

Camden Lowe, 19, set a PB earlier this week after a quick dip into the grocery store for a pack of gum. Unknowingly, Lowe re-routed the former record’s route and ended up finishing six seconds faster than the fastest recorded time. 

“For years the self-checkout kiosks were too far off path to be viable for a world record attempt,” said Lowe regarding his historic performance. “But with a few frame-perfect tricks and insane RNG, I was able to get in and out of Kroger in 37.56 seconds.”

The legitimacy of Lowe’s run has been called into question by fellow speedrunners in the community. Many have been vocal that controversial tactics used in the run should disqualify the record-breaking attempt. 

“Entering through the pharmacy entrance has been reserved for the Assisted Any% category given that’s the entrance with all the handicap parking spots,” said Barbra Buckley, fellow speedrunner and former world record holder. “And cheatin’ Camden illegally blocked the fire lane with his CR-Z! Completely delegitimizing the run.”

While Lowe’s record currently sits atop the Speedrun.com leaderboard, he has not been able to recreate the magic since. However, the discovery of a new time skip has speedrunners returning to the category, trying to make history themselves. 

“Most casual runners utilize Lowe’s dialogue skip so there’s almost always a line. Unfortunately for speedrunners, the fastest option was always talking to the 15-year-old cashier and mashing through dialogue as fast as possible but it’s almost impossible to get past the charity check quickly,” explains returning champion, Judd Marshall. “You would have needed Dream-like RNG to even get close to the world record going Lowe’s route, I can’t even get sub one minute going that way.”

The speedrun itself has a limited number of runners given that it is pay-to-win, which has turned many potential speedrunners away due to the financial implications. 

At press time, a new ‘shadow’ category of the speedrun has emerged that bypasses checkout completely but has been classified by the State of Ohio as theft.

Dr. Wily Exhausts Zillow Search for Castles With Big Ass Skulls in the Middle of Them

Posted on by Ben Friedman

MEGA CITY — Mad scientist Dr. Wily announced he would be scaling back his plans for a new fortress after exhausting his search on Zillow for “castles with big ass skulls in the middle of them’, his robot henchmen have confirmed.

Wily placed the blame for the market’s lack of castles with big ass skulls squarely on his nemesis.

“If I’m going to dedicate my life to building master robots to terrorize the planet, I need to be on brand with a labyrinthian stronghold with a giant ass skull sitting front and center. And thanks to that blue asshole destroying the last eleven that I’ve had, the market for them has completely dried up. I’ve been scouring Zillow for three weeks and I’ve found nothing,” said Wily. “Sure, there are a few massive castles here within my price range with disappearing blocks, but they don’t have the same intimidation factor that comes with a 50-foot-tall skull for a front door.”

Zillow’s customer service staff were doing their best to accommodate Wily’s demands.

“What can we say other than it’s a tight market for evil-looking, booby-trapped lairs. We’ve done our best to accommodate him in spite of his barrage of complaints, but many of the designs Dr. Wily wants aren’t zoned for commercial use, let alone for world domination,” said rep Jim McCaffrey. “There are dozens of properties in Silicon Valley which can house his master robots and their copies, but he just wants that skull so badly. Like we get it man, you’re evil but beggars can’t be choosers.”

A coalition of former neighbors of Wily were adamant about keeping him out of their towns.

“We have always been a tight-knit community of mad scientists with terrifying skull-faced laboratories, but Albert Wily has brought nothing but headaches. How he keeps qualifying for mortgages to buy castles is beyond us, and we’ll never forgive him for strong-arming Dr. Cossack into squatting in his Kremlin,” said Igor Smithy. “If he wants another castle so badly, he can build one himself in a more remote area. Every time Mega Man comes to town he starts eyeballing our homes and I’d rather not be on the receiving end of a mega buster.”

At press time, Zillow reps were able to find an affordable 60,000 square-foot skull embossed fortress, but Dr. Wily passed on it after learning it was located in Cleveland.

Chess Developers Accused of Giving Queen a “Man Jaw”

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Enschede, Netherlands — DGT, the manufacturer of chess sets used in the ‘Tata Steel Chess Tournament’ is being accused online of changing the Queen piece to have a “man jaw”.

DGT recently revealed their newest set and a contingent of players in the Chess community are furious over what they are calling a “man jaw”

“This is an atrocious tragedy and a blatant attack on our game,” posted Twitter user WhitePiecePower. “I always figured our game was safe from DEI and ESG garbage but I guess I was wrong. They took our beautiful, sexy, and feminine Queen and gave her a blocky and defined man jaw. This is a pathetic move to appease the woke overlords and we must fight back.”

“Why would they do this,” posted KingMe69. “The Queen in the old set was an iconic sex symbol. She had poise and grace, a nice soft face. Now she’s much more striking with a defined square jawline like a man. Are they trying to make us gay?”

DGT has defended the new Queen piece and claims there is no woke conspiracy nor do they think the piece has a “man jaw”.

“To be honest we have no idea what these complaints are,” said Dirk Jansen, a piece designer at DGT. “When we first heard them we thought it was a prank but apparently these people are serious. We wanted to update our pieces and we thought this new Queen design was more striking but equally sexy. There are tons of real-life women we based this design on. Nobody made us change the Queen piece and we’ve never heard of this Sweet Baby Inc. we keep getting threatening messages about.”

Online personality Pawwnz, who is leading the charge against the new Queen piece believes that DGT isn’t telling the entire truth.

“There’s something they aren’t telling us, most likely because they can’t. There’s simply no way they willingly made this change without being strong-armed by some DEI ESG overseer demanding them to make the Queen masculine and ugly. I will get to the bottom of this and we will get the Queen changed back to the sexy woman she should be and the best way for you to support this cause is to become a paid subscriber to my account.”

At press time, Pawwnz and the other players have moved on from the Queen piece and have begun complaining about the use of the black pieces in the marketing of the new set

Animal Expert Reveals Little Guys in ‘Make Some Noise’ Interstitials Only Do That Under Extreme Stress

Posted on by Nik Theorin

LOS ANGELES – Streaming service Dropout found itself in hot water after an animal expert pointed out that the little guys appearing in interstitials for Make Some Noise only behave that way under extreme stress, sources report.

“I’ve worked with these creatures before, and this is not how they should be acting,” said Jackson Alberta, who initially posted his observations on social media before they were picked up by Dropout fans just one week into the Great Game Changer to Make Some Noise Migration. “As humans, we like to anthropomorphize certain animal behaviors as ‘cute’, when the reality is far more complicated. What looks ‘heckin’ good’ to a human can be akin to torture for an animal. A dog with a contorted face? That’s a form of paralysis. A cat jumping away from a cucumber? Fear response. The bleating of the pink thing’s trumpet-mouth in time with the opening theme of Make Some Noise? Textbook distress.

“In the wild, these creatures rarely use vocalizations—only really with their young—and even then, it’s a soft, gentle trill. It wasn’t letting viewers know it’s happy or even calling for attention: it was suffering under the weight of massive psychological stress, comparable to PTSD in a human or Sam getting asked where he’s from. You wouldn’t wish that on a person. So why would you wish it on a species of two-dimensional expression-forms inhabiting geometric shapes like cancer inhabits a body?”

“Look, I get it, I’m a Dropout fan too,” continued Alberta. “I love Game Changer, and not like a poser who skips the Covid season. I watched that Hallmark movie with Vic Michaelis. I have detailed maps explaining the geological possibility of Mountport. I’ve seen Ally Beardsley through every conceivable haircut and I know Grant’s sex life better than my own. But I simply cannot tolerate mistreatment of such intelligent, aesthetically-pleasing creatures, especially when I see them transforming into a three-part balance board where the blue one acts as the board, the yellow as the fulcrum, and the pink one rolls perversely on top. That’s a clear dominance display. If you see that in the wild, making some noise will be the last thing you do.”

While many assume ignorance on the part of the show’s cast and crew, others are more skeptical, pointing to Dropout’s history of playing exotic animals for sight gags.

“It’s not talked about openly, but everyone remembers The Mouth,” said cast member Lily Du, referring to an episode in season one of Game Changer that most mistook for a fever dream. “I remember showing up on set that day and hearing Ash say something about a ‘surprise’ backstage, so obviously I’m getting excited thinking maybe it’s Finnegan or a weekend stay in Big Sur, California. Imagine my shock when they wheel out this creature that can’t even stand on its own without Ash supporting it. The whole time we’re feeding it, I’m looking at Tao like, ‘Are we really doing this?’ Sure, sometimes The Mouth would make yum yum sounds when we fed it the right objects, but more often it was gagging in disgust.”

“After the show, I read about how foods like gingerbread, oil, and a brick of cocaine offer almost no nutritional value and just fill up a Mouth’s stomach so it can’t eat as much,” continued Du, having slid almost halfway out of her chair. “I felt so awful.”

In the wake of controversy surrounding the treatment of the interstitial mascots, Dropout host and CEO Sam Reich came forward to dispute the allegations.

“If you can’t run a company ethically, you shouldn’t run it at all,” said Reich, whose progressive views on business and inflicting psychological torment on Brennan Lee Mulligan are widely known. “I’m grateful for a community that supports us while also holding us accountable when we fail to live up to our own standards. Does the question of ‘involuntary performers’ apply to animals? Yes. Is it possible to misinterpret certain behaviors? Of course. Was it a mistake to have the three geometric guys in Make Some Noise twist and morph into each other in rapid succession, the flickering torch of consciousness being passed between them so violently that the lines between the mind-self and the meat-self blur into nonbeing? Hell no. Most viewers don’t know this, but those guys are freaks. They like it. Who am I to deny what makes them happy?”

At press time, a joint statement released by cast members Erika Ishii and Becca Scott announced the pair’s intentions to adopt “the blue one”, which will make its final appearance during this season’s Make Some Noise finale, or whenever they manage to catch it.

Fandom Officially Declared Cult

Posted on by Matt Fresh

NEW YORK — In a landmark move, after much deliberation the UN has officially declared that fandom of any kind is a cult.

UN Ambassador Frederic Bringewatt announced the decision in a press conference held just outside UN Headquarters.

“It is our duty to work together on bringing peace and prosperity to the world at large and part of that duty is determining threats to that peace. Originally this was going to be solely for the Star Wars fandom but upon closer examination, it’s practically every fandom. The way that the members behave, the way they attack those that don’t hold the same beliefs as them, the radicalized devotion they have to the material, our only options were to classify them as religion or cult. We felt cult was more appropriate for their vibe.”

Members of fandoms were not too pleased with the new classification.

“This is just another instance of us being persecuted. We are not a cult, we’re just super passionate about our favorite series and will do anything to defend it and keep it pure,” said Alan Burns, head of the Boise chapter of the Star Wars fandom. “Sure sometimes we harass people who aren’t into Star Wars and maybe we attack members who don’t adhere to the series the way we demand they do but that doesn’t make us a cult. This is our series and we must protect it from heretical nonsense like The Acolyte. We just have absolute one hundred percent devotion to the warped ideals of Star Wars that we’ve cultivated.”  

“Oh so just because I just like to praise the sun and attack people who dare to mildly criticize the thing that I’ve tied my entire identity to I’m in a cult? Give me a break,” claimed Chris Topher, a devoted member of the Souls fandom.

Bringewatt stated that there are some exceptions to the new classification.

“While we’ve determined most fandoms are cults, there are some exceptions both good and bad. The Kirby fandom we found to just be totally normal and chill, same for the James Cameron’s Avatar fandom. These are examples of fandoms that do not meet the criteria of cult. On the other hand there are fandoms such as Swifites that we’ve found go beyond a mere cult and so we’ve classified them as radicalized militia instead.”

At press time, Swifties have doxxed Bringewatt and declared the UN to be enemy number one and begun mobilizing to attack.

Mom Said It’s My Turn on Hard Drive (Guest Column by My Little Brother)

Posted on by Traye Holland

Editor’s Note: The following article is from my little brother, as my mom said I’ve been on Hard Drive for long enough and that it was time to let him have a turn or else. I am not allowed to edit or adjust it in any way. Please bear with me.

Hi! Mom sed itz my turn on Hard Driv so bruther had 2 let me yooz the compewter haha. I dunno wat 2 rite abowt tho. Bruther sez I gotta tel jokez abowt videeyo gamez. I liek videeyo gamez. My favrit game iz Mine Craf but I maek bruther put it on peesful cuz 1 time a creepeer sneeked up on me and bloo up and I screemd so lowd it woke every 1 up cuz it was reely layt and I got in truble cuz I was supozed to be asleep cuz I had skool in the morneeng. I can tel a joke abowt Mine Craf ummmmm y didnt Mine Craf Steev buy a howse? Cuz he can just bild wun DUH! I liek uther gamez too. I play a lot of Pokeymon and Lego Star Worz and also sumtiems I play Fort Niet. I dont hav any jokez for thoze gamez tho. Fort Niet iz hard. Wen I die in Fort Niet I want 2 say bad wurdz but Mom wont let me so I say them in my hed so she cant heer them. Mom told me no 1 can heer wat u say in yor hed cuz yor skul iz 2 thik 4 the wurdz yor brayn sez 2 get thru so they just bownce riet bak 2 yor brayn and thats why only u heer them. In yor hed u can say as many bad wurdz as u want! Bruther sez them out lowd tho sumtiems wen he playz Ellen Ring. Bruther told me in Ellen Ring you fite monzters cuz u want 2 mary this 1 laydee. I thank its calld Ellen Ring cuz her naym is Ellen and u want to giv her a weding ring and kiss and say I luv u and stuf. Yuk! I dont hav any jokez abowt Ellen Ring neether. Ellen Ring is 2 boring and scaree and u cant bild anything. They shud hav the boogie bom from Fort Niet in Ellen Ring so u can throw it and maek the monzters danse haha. Oh wayt I hav a Ellen Ring joke now. Why did Ellen not want to mary bruther? Cuz he farted untill he died! Dont tel bruther I told u that tho. Enyway I dont wunt to rite anymor. The end. Bye!

Editor’s Note Cont’d: I sincerely apologize for what you just read. I promise future articles will be the high caliber satirical gaming news you are used to. Until my brother gets another turn that is.

Oblivious RFK Jr. Still Mashing Away on Unplugged Controller

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

ATLANTA — Robert F. Kennedy Jr., an independent candidate in the 2024 presidential election, was reportedly still hammering buttons on an unplugged controller that he was handed shortly before last Thursday’s debate, sources confirm. 

“He just kept whining that he wanted to play ‘debate,’” said Jake Tapper, CNN anchor and one of the debate’s moderators. “We needed to shut him up somehow, so we sent a PA to find an old MadCatz PS2 controller. They gave it to Kennedy and told him it was what the pros used when they debated. He totally bought it. I even saw him turn on turbo mode. I guess it worked too well, since now he won’t leave. We really need to strike this set.”

Kennedy briefly responded to questions before shooing reporters away, claiming that he was nearing a high score and they were distracting him.

“The obsequious fawning that the media performs toward figures such as Anthony Fauci cannot be ignored,” said Kennedy in a distant voice, a hollow echo that had somehow slithered into our world from some unwholesome dimension. “Just like you cannot ignore this sick combo that I’m pulling off. I might be the best to ever do it. This game must have been vaccinated, because I’m about to hit a kill screen, for sure.”

Political historian Lindsey Devine noted that, while the event itself may be unprecedented, it did not surprise her.

“The two major parties have been looking for a solution to this dilemma for years,” said Devine. “They let Perot play in the nineties, and that wasn’t fun for anyone. I heard that they were going to try this trick with Nader, but Mr. Consumer Reports demanded a first-party controller, and no one was going to spring for that. Of course, all of the Libertarian Party candidates refuse to play multiplayer games, and the Greens only play ‘Escape from Tarkov’ for some reason. This was really their first chance to try this strategy, and you couldn’t ask for a more gullible target.”

At press time, Kennedy was overheard saying that he still had a few rounds in him, bragging that he clearly had more stamina than the other candidates.

SCOTUS Enables God Mode For Executive Branch

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

WASHINGTON — In a 6-3 ruling, the Supreme Court of the United States announced it was enabling God Mode for the Presidency.

“If the President can be held accountable for his actions this presupposes any other government official, elected or otherwise, can also be held accountable for their own actions, and I simply can’t have that,” wrote Justice Clarence Thomas, back from an all-expenses-paid vacation to Tahiti funded by friend of the Court and Nazi memorabilia enthusiast, Harlan Crow. “I mean, I’m an adult. My schedule doesn’t allow me to devote hours a day to getting good at this. I just want to experience the story of the fall of our republic while still spending most of my time taking lavish trips to the Maldives on someone else’s dime, and there shouldn’t be any penalty for that.”

Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi decried the decision, and called on voters to give the Democrats money.

“This ruling is just another example of what is at stake, and why the American people must vote Joe Biden back in office come November,” Speaker Pelosi said as an offering plate was passed around among the press who had gathered at the Capitol. When it was pointed out that this ruling also presumably enabled God Mode for President Biden the Speaker rebuked the journalist, saying, “How dare you suggest that the Democrats use any power they are given when it’s available to them? In fact, we’re going to make up more rules that only we have to follow. We’re currently doing a Nuzlocke run on the presidency. Do you really think we’re interested in anything that would make this even a little bit easier?”

President Biden spoke briefly on the matter to press at the White House.

“The Supreme Court’s ruling today shows they have all the ethics of a corrupt chimney sweep, and the moral standing of a drunken lamplighter,” President Biden said. “There’s only one God, Jack, and his name is—I forget. The point is—I forget that, too. Something about achievements being turned off. Vote Biden if you want to get the true ending. I can’t promise it’s the good ending, though.”

At press time, the Supreme Court was hearing a case challenging laws against infinite ammo cheats.

Scientists Claim Kickstarter Now Leading Cause of Getting Sad Little Package in the Mail in Three Years

Posted on by Nik Theorin

PHILADELPHIA — Scientists have warned users off Kickstarter this week after revealing the popular crowdfunding site is now the leading cause of getting sad little packages in the mail in three years, sources report.

“I was combing through the yearly data on depressing, over-taped parcels arriving at your doorstep sometime in the next two to six years, when I made a concerning discovery,” said trends forecaster Aimee Rorke. “Turns out, we’re seeing record numbers of crumpled, gut-wrenchingly earnest little packages with enclosed thank you notes and a complementary sticker that’s going right in the trash, but not from the usual suspects. eBay, Etsy, care packages from a try-hard relative— those are all still contributing factors, but the numbers don’t lie. This influx was coming from somewhere else: Kickstarter.”

“Most people think of Kickstarter as the crowdfunding website that allows creatives to fail publicly and at a scale previously thought impossible, but it’s actually much more than that,” Rorke continued. “On the contrary, it’s more useful to think of Kickstarter as a well-oiled machine that turns $40 into comically undersized packages with several years of delays. We’re talking packages with one massive, squished-in corner. Mail bomb-ass packages. Packages that look like they’ve been thrown out of a plane but are far too personalized to have been delivered to you accidentally.

“Then there’s that second factor: time. See, the timescale we use to measure most deliveries in the United States is incompatible with this recent spike of packages. That’s because Kickstarter rewards operate on what scientists call ‘Deep Time’, which is used to measure things like the shifting of tectonic plates or someone explaining the rules of a board game. In short, a sad little Kickstarter package can arrive anywhere between one and seven years after you threw your money in a hole, if it arrives at all. That’s a scary thought, and one backers are experiencing more and more often as this phenomenon grows.”

Even as the link between Kickstarter and the UPS man handing you a lumpy manilla envelope with no label to speak of becomes irrefutable, frequent backers report they’ve already started growing accustomed to the chaos inherent in the crowdsourcing cycle.

“The risk is part of the charm,” said Samantha O’Hare, a backer whose likeness has been immortalized on cards in at least twelve different extinct TCGs after donating to their highest reward tiers. “It’s like gambling with slightly better odds. I ante up, spin the big wheel, and who knows? Will the project get funded? Will my branded pins, digital wallpapers, two posters, and starchy t-shirt get stuck in a production timeline that lasts my entire adult life? Or will I receive a weather-beaten little box on my doorstep in three years when I’ve completely turned my life around and it gets me hooked on backing again? You don’t know until you spin!”

Following publication of the concerning data, Kickstarter released a statement hoping to quell user anxieties about their infamously hands-off approach to rewards fulfillment.

“We at Kickstarter remain deeply proud of the platform we’ve built together with our community,” the statement read. “Kickstarter can be the first or final rung on the ladder to independent success. It’s a place where the biggest projects can take that last step to production and distribution. It’s a place where even the smallest creative voices can find an audience. A place where we have bulletproof liability, so don’t even try it. But more than that, it’s a community where you can watch the light fade from a creator’s eyes in real time as their campaign fizzles into anonymity.”

“All those things make Kickstarter what it is, and what it is isn’t perfect,” the statement continued. “But neither is art. Art is messy. Art is imperfect. Art is a decades-long struggle between the needs of self and the expectations of others. Sometimes you put it all out there and no one shows up. No one reads, watches, backs. Sometimes you succeed, but more often, the best you have in you is getting back up. Sharpening your pencil. Wetting your brush. Because the best revenge in a society where the artists are condescended and undervalued is to keep giving yourself to the world. Sometimes, you fail. Sometimes the world gets nothing. But sometimes—sometimes—the world gets a little package. And that’s enough.”

At press time, Kickstarter requested that further inquiries be directed to a customer service representative, who would get back to users within three to five business years.

New Pokemon Designs Ranked by How Far They’ve Strayed from God

Posted on by Alec Walker

 

The Pokémon series has always been known for the creative and iconic design of its characters. However, after nearly thirty years and over one thousand creatures, some have fallen short of the franchise’s standards. In fact, some are abominations so unholy that they are entirely devoid of the holy light that animates us. Some call it a soul, some call it the breath of life — I’m not really interested in the distinction. I just want to write a list of twenty of the most fucked-up looking Pokémon.

20. Dachsbun

Dachsbun is at the bottom because it’s literally just a dog that already exists in the world. But, let me tell you, if my 20-pound dog went up against a Charizard, she would get her shit absolutely rocked. This fat wiener couldn’t hold its own in a damn dog park, let alone the Pokémon League. Put this dumb dog up against Rayquaza and see what happens. I dare you, Game Freak. Triple Dachsbun dare you, in fact.

19. Flamigo

I just put a picture of a flamingo because there are zero differences between it and the Pokémon. There’s something very uncanny valley-y about it. It’s familiar, yet terrifying. This design hasn’t strayed too far from our world, but that almost makes it worse. If I wanted to own a flamingo I’d go to the black market. I wouldn’t boot up my Switch.

18. Volcanion

This, for the most part, still looks like a Pokémon, but I’m pretty sure I sucked on that thing’s back when I was a teething baby. Then again, my memory of my time as an infant is murky at best. All I know is that God is tempting me and I want it in my mouth. Goo goo ga ga, Volcanion. Bring that back over here.

17. Comfey

I wonder how many of these little guys have accidentally been thrown in the trash after a luau themed office party and left to die alone in a landfill. If God wanted flowers to be conscious of their existence, he would have given them the ability to scream.

16. Caprity

Ya know what, now that I’m looking at it, this guy actually doesn’t look too bad! Maybe Game Freak is getting back to their roots a bit- oh, wait. This is from Palworld. My bad, I haven’t finished a Pokemon game since Gen 7, so I just kind of assumed this was a Pokémon. Rookie mistake.

15. Eiscue

I’m sorry, but this thing should be dead. Every time I encase someone’s head in a big smiley face cube of ice, they die. The first few times, I thought I was just doing something wrong (imposter syndrome), but now, after three to four hundred attempts, I’m like 80% sure that it’s not safe to do this. We’re starting to stray from God a bit with this nature-defying penguin.

14. Gumshoos

This Pokémon was part of Generation 7, which was released on November 18, 2016. Ten days after the election. You cannot tell me this disgusting rodent wasn’t based on a certain someone we all know. I never caught one, but I’m gonna guess its signature attack is called “Wrong.” 120 power, 0 accuracy. Effect: Hits every time no matter what, despite its inaccuracy.

13. Passimian

God loves two things: designing beautiful creatures in his image, and motherfuckin’ football, baby! Unfortunately, only one of those ideals went into making this guy. If I had a Pokémon football team I would sign Hitmonlee as my kicker. But anyway, this Pokémon is dumb and should be ashamed of itself for being such a capitalist shill for the NFL. I’d be a bigger fan if he was fucking Taylor Swift.

12. Palossand

Imagine you’re eight years old at the beach, and the sand castle you so proudly built gets possessed by a ghost and starts whaling on you in front of all your friends. Sand castles are canceled, and so is whoever demanded this be added into the game.

11. Tatsugiri

From an evolutionary standpoint, why would a Pokémon evolve to look like something so goddamn delicious? Stick bugs look like sticks to confuse predators, and Tatsugiri looks like a delectable piece of sushi that I’d whip down my throat faster than you can say “Pokémon designs suck now.” Actually, that takes kind of long to say, but you get the point.

10. Mewtwo

This might be controversial, but it’s objectively true. Sure, the design is cool. In fact, it’s sick as hell. I don’t have a Mewtwo wrap on my Mazda, but I get jealous every time I see one. Unfortunately, he is the product of human engineering rather than divine creation, and is therefore an abomination in the eyes of God.

9. Ting-Lu

Its Pokédex entry describes Ting-Lu as the “Ruinous Pokemon.” I actually agree with that! It is ruinous to the legacy of Pokemon because its antlers are a bowl. I’m starting to wonder if people in the Pokemon universe are guilty of some very heinous, experimental eugenics. Wouldn’t surprise me. There’s no reason a Pokemon would evolve to have a giant metal bowl on its head unless a human intervened. Whoever made Ting-Lu should be tried for crimes against humanity — or, rather, Ting-Lunity.

8. Necrozma

Okay, don’t get me wrong, this guy looks kinda cool. He’s like a geometric Babadook. But just picture him standing next to a Pikachu. Does it seem like they could even be from the same multiverse? Necrozma definitely abducts children in the middle of the night, but is weirdly gentle with them.

7. Tinkaton

Since when did Pokémon get fully forged weapons? Who’s making these hammers for them? Every single Tinkaton has one, so either we’re supplying them with weapons like a US-Israel situation, or Tinkatons are smart enough that we probably should stop enslaving them.

6. Arctozolt

The Pokémon gods went crazy with this one. It looks like when I used to draw Pokemon combinations as a kid, like mixing Wailord with Zapdos. Nothing could make me want this snot nosed… dragon? I’m just so sad.

5. Stakataka

I guess there aren’t enough animals in the world from which to base Pokémon designs. I cannot fathom how this came to be, or why anyone would want it. Trying to pet it would feel like caressing the outside of a 7/11. If all humans were wiped off the face of the earth, this thing would be reclaimed by nature within the hour because it is so ungodly.

4. Celesteela

Celesteela is like what Elon Musk would make if he was in charge of Pokémon. Just a big useless metal thing that looks cool to people who aren’t. I need God to strike this thing down before I accidentally look into its eyes or it blows up before leaving orbit.

3. Brute Bonnet

This guy has Pokéballs for hands and a hat. Again, just evolutionarily, how do you suppose that works? Is this implying Pokéballs existed before Pokémon? If so, what were humans putting inside them back then? I sense a sinister past in the Pokémon universe. God would not approve of whatever, or whoever, used to go inside Pokéball.

2. Gimmighoul

This one is just confusing to me. It looks like it’s a ghost who’s meant to have inhabited a pirate’s chest, but his name sounds like an extremely racist slur for Italian people. I’m all for a little recreational Italian-American slander for a goof, but this feels a bit pointed. Also, ghosts aren’t real. Where’s the realism? 

1. Gholdengo

The 1000th Pokémon design ever made, and they wasted it on fucking yellow Gumby. Will today’s children be nostalgic for Gholdengo? The day that happens is the day I become a “kids these days” guy. I hope in the next generation we can make Pokémon in our own image, like a Mii. Call me, Game Freak.