While we won’t know if Amazon’s Fallout will live up to the games until it releases, at least one aspect will be faithfully recreated on screen.
Series co-creator Jonathan Nolan, most well-known for being Christopher Nolan’s brother, confirmed that the first episode will entirely consist of character creation. From appearance to stats, the episode will be exclusively dedicated to the customization of the protagonist Lucy played by Ella Purnell.
“It’s hard to adapt popular series like Fallout because the fans are so passionate. They demand that you adhere to what they know. No one wants to see their favorite character shagging the enemy as they say,” explained Nolan. “So we knew we had to assure people right from the jump that it would be faithful to their experience with Fallout.”
“There’s a bit of backstory in the intro but after that, the rest of the premiere episode is devoted to the creation of the protagonist,” continued Nolan. “We painstakingly go through every single facial feature, hairstyle, eye color, and so on. Then of course the stats and the dramatic moment of going back to re-edit. We know the fans will love their gameplay experience replicated.”
Actress Ella Purnell initially had reservations about the concept.
“I was worried I’d get replaced ’cause they’d get to my face but then go back to previous ones. But after learning more about the series I get it and think fans will be pleased.”
Bethesda Game Director Todd Howard is excited for fans to see the series.
“Fallout fans are very important to us at Bethesda and since this will be the only new Fallout they’re gonna get for the next decade we knew we had to win them over immediately. Every player has such a different experience that it’s hard to adapt that to the screen but the one thing every player does the same is wasting exuberant amounts of time in the character creator.”
“According to our data, in an average sixty-hour playthrough approximately one-third of that is spent on the character creation screen. When we told Jonathan he immediately scrapped his whole script to incorporate that into the show. It was really wonderful to see a big Hollywood creator embrace the essence of our game.”
As of press time, Amazon and Bethesda are reported to be wondering if they should start over and make a different main character instead.
New York City – Old Man O’Malley fraud case had a shocking twist today, according to reports, when star witness Scooby Doo’s testimony has been deemed inadmissible.
“He’s a dog,” declared Judge Hammond. “Oh, you want me to elaborate on that? Sure. He’s a dog and thus can’t give testimony. This isn’t one of those Air Bud things where there’s nothing in the rules that says a dog can’t give testimony during a court case. This argument isn’t helped by the fact he was brought into this courtroom by a giggling hippie stinking of patchouli and Thin Mintz Kush who proceeded to call me dude while eating a four foot tall sandwich.”
The case against Old Man O’Malley relies upon the detective work of four local teens and their dog, according to the prosecution. Defense lawyer, Sally Cisco, argues the whole thing is farce.
“It’s absurd,” she said to reporters outside the courtroom. “This case hinges on the idea that my client, Old Man O’Malley, would dress up as a radioactive yeti ghost to scare away potential customers to his own business because he found oil beneath the property and wanted to mine it himself. The idea that the meddling of these kids unearthed this outlandish plot is laughable and the prosecution’s star witness being a dog makes it all the worse.”
Judge Hammond’s ruling will affect many other cases that involved the detective work of the four unlicensed teenagers and their great dane.
“We’ve been fielding calls all night,” said Andy Hewitt of the Innocence Project. “So many potentially innocent people have been locked up based on testimony from Scooby Doo and occasionally his nephew, Scrappy Doo, a smaller dog with an admittedly larger vocabulary. The Innocence Project has helped many innocent people go free and we’ll work tirelessly to assess the innocence of Redbeard’s Ghost, No-Face Zombie, and The Creeper.”
Scooby Doo could not be reached for comment but his spokesperson Velma Dinkley released a statement that read, “Jinkies!” while urging everyone to not watch that horrible Velma show.
BELLEVUE, Wash. — As Destiny 2 has gotten bigger and it’s story more sprawling, it became harder for new players to keep up, reporters on the scene confirmed. That’s about to change as Bungie announced they’ll be releasing a $300 Destiny textbook to help new players understand what’s going on.
“We understand that the onboarding experience for new players isn’t what it should be. If you’re just jumping into the game now, you’ll have missed countless seasons of storytelling as well as all the expansions we removed. It’s like trying to understand all of Star Wars by starting in the middle of Rise of Skywalker,” said Game Director Joe Blackburn.
“This textbook includes an in depth synopsis of the entire story since the beginning of Destiny as well as additional lore.” explained Blackburn. “By reading this textbook, new players will no longer be confused.”
The Destiny community is excited they no longer have to try explaining everything to the friends they’re attempting to coerce into playing.
“It’s really tough to get my friends into it. Before you’d be able to just play the story from the beginning but you can’t do that anymore since Bungie made the brave decision to remove the base campaign and previous expansions from the game. So this should definitely help.” said a player going by the name ‘GraciousKid5777’
“I hate having to try to explain all the lore and story beats to my friends who try to play. With this textbook they’ll finally be able to understand why they should spend the rest of their lives playing nothing but Destiny” said player ‘Corn Flakis Kell of Ogs’
While the price point may seem steep, Blackburn defended it.
“We were very careful when deciding the price and based on how we price everything in game and on player spending data, we determined that our fans would absolutely pay this much. You also have to consider the amount of work we put into it, the staff we have left crunched for days to watch My Name is Byf videos to copy transcripts into the book. It’s a fair price.”
We asked Forbes Destiny writer Paul Tassi for comment but he declined citing he was busy preparing several articles about the news.
As of press time Bungie is already planning an updated textbook to be released when this one is out of date at the end of the current season.
RALEIGH, N.C. — Researchers made a groundbreaking discovery late last night, as sources confirm experts were able to reproduce the loudest sound in recorded history by unmuting that one player in voice chat.
“I received the call at around 10:50 PM,” said Dr. Catherine Halpern, an acoustician and professor at Duke University. “I’m usually in bed by then, but tonight was different. Maybe my body felt the sound instinctually, the same way sailors 40 miles from Krakatoa felt their eardrums burst like grapes. I pick up the phone and hear gunfire over the line and assume the worst, but after a second it becomes clear I’m listening to my colleague Dr. Martinez getting his ass spawn-peeked in Rainbow Six: Siege like a chump. I don’t have time for that bronze shit—I’m trying to sleep—so I hang up, but Dr. Martinez, Steve, calls me right back and tells me to get over here, and bring my equipment. Says I need to hear this, that it’ll blow my research wide open. Normally I wouldn’t have given him a second thought, but there was something in his voice that scared me. That, and it was 1v4 on Theme Park with Steve as Monty going for the plant and you know I had to see that shit go down.”
“When I get there, Steve is crying,” continued Dr. Halpern. “I think, okay, normal Ranked match. But there’s blood pooling in his ears, and his apartment looks like a hurricane blew through. I set up my equipment, put on ear protection, then give Dr. Martinez the thumbs-up. He tells me to hold onto something, and I watch him bring up the player menu where someone named xxxChestTHIRSTer_Xxx is muted.”
“Steve only unmuted him for a second, but it was enough to make an atheist of any Holy Man.”
After exposure to the unprecedented sound, which registered at a whopping 410 dB, the scientists reportedly had time to move Dr. Martinez’s gaming setup to a laboratory at Duke without completing the match, a miracle Dr. Halpern credits to “the average buffer time between rounds.”
“When I heard the sounds coming from THIRSTer’s mic, my first thought was obviously, ‘Can we communicate with this being?’” said Craig Gamborji, a tenured linguist at Duke who was brought in by Drs. Halpern and Martinez. “At first we weren’t even sure that was a voice coming from the mic. All data pointed to it being the sound of every alarm on Earth going off at once, or a garbage disposal unit that had learned to scream. But Steve was adamant he could hear the occasional poorly-timed callout, and Catherine made out a few slurs, so we were confident this was an intelligent—or rather, sapient—being.”
“After confirming this was indeed a man from Earth, I tried to make contact through Dr. Martinez’s shitty headset mic. I asked questions like ‘Can you understand me?’ ‘Am I comprehending your true form?’ and ‘Why are you playing Doc like a roaming defender lol bronze trash EZ win’ ChestTHIRSTer, unfortunately, made no attempt to enter a dialogue with us. His intentions, apart from the godless screech and blowing the opposing team, are still unknown.”
The only other testimony to this mystifying yet tremendous discovery reportedly came from Lee Newsom, a Siege player located in New Zealand who also played on Dr. Martinez’s team on the night of the fateful match.
“I never figured out the whole muting thing, so at first I just tried to ignore it,” said Newsom, who goes by the gamer tag LoveleeLadeeZ. “As a competitive gamer, you get used to rookie players who leave their mics on by mistake or break the record previously held by the Mount Krakatoa eruption for loudest recorded sound. It comes with the territory. At first it was just annoying, but after two rounds of hearing that thin monotonous whine of accursed flutes, it started to make sense. It was as if xxxChestTHIRSTer_Xxx was teaching me words in a sentence that, once spoken, could unlock the inconceivable, unlighted chambers of the Universe. Words that spoke not to my brain but to the puppet strings of ancestral memory. I blacked out after round three, and when I came to, I was MVP of my team with 18 kills as Caveira. I’ve never played that well in my life, and I doubt I will again.”
At press time, sources reported Dr. Halpern and her team’s research had unfortunately been upstaged by a new record for the loudest recorded sound, which is currently held by the Amber Alert that went off just as you were falling asleep even though you silenced your phone.
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK- The masked vigilante known as Spider-Man has destroyed yet another family by committing his worst crime yet: dropping off an injured civilian at an out-of-network hospital.
“I wish that webhead had just left me to die,” Matthew Dobbins said from his hospital bed. “I’d much prefer drowning in a pool of Scorpion’s venom than sitting here, drowning in a pool of debt that I’ll never be able to repay. My life is over.”
Mr. Dobbins isn’t the first victim of Spider-Man’s insidious insurance illegality. Many people have been victims of the spider’s so-called “rescuing.”
“I sometimes daydream about what my life would be like if Spider-Man hadn’t pulled me out of that burning building. I’d be so much happier if he had just left me to burn alive under that pile of rubble,” Colette Shepherd said outside of her recently foreclosed home. “I didn’t even have any significant injuries. They put a band-aid over a cut on my arm. That cost $30,000. I was also charged a $120,000 ‘febreeze fee’ for making the room smell smokey.”
J. Jonah Jameson, Editor-In-Chief of The Daily Bugle and vocal Spider-Man critic thinks there may be even more at play.
“Spider-Man is clearly in cahoots with the insurance companies. They’re making a killing off of the saving of victims all over the city. It’s disgusting! At least give these people the dignity of dying a quick death over the slow miserable death that comes at the hand of crippling medical debt!” Jameson said, adding, “I don’t even want pictures of that guy anymore. He sickens me.”
At press time, civilians of New York who wish not to be destroyed by America’s predatory healthcare system are being advised to wear articles of clothing which communicate they wish to not be saved by Spider-Man.
DALLAS — A handyman called to troubleshoot a suspected case of faulty wiring at a suburban home received a different kind of shock this weekend after he unscrewed an electrical panel, only to come face-to-face with a perplexing maze of glass tubes and a blue liquid steadily advancing, sources report.
“I’ve seen an awful lot— Hell, before this I thought I’d seen everything,” said Ken Veline, a handyman operating in Wilshire Heights, who thought he was responding to a routine call. “Fuses with crazy high amperage, wires with their insulation melted clean off, mice nesting in junction boxes. I’ve seen a gaming PC filled with beans. BEANS. But nothing like this.”
“See these glass tubes made up of straight and elbow pieces? Yeah, none of that’s supposed to be there. That’s supposed to be wires. You know, standard circuitry you’d see in a house. And what’s the glowing blue liquid slowly progressing toward a fixed end point? It’s almost like that’s supposed to be what’s powering the lights in here. Almost like a visual representation of electricity, you know? But that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works.”
“And what in Christ’s name are these?” continued Veline, pointing angrily at several tubes of wildly different shapes and widths, located on the fringes of the 6-by-6 tile square. “This tube piece is super narrow, see, like it’s designed to accelerate the liquid. I guess that makes sense, taken as a whole. But look at this! This tube is a dense spiral shape, which slows down the liquid. Who would build that? Why would you intentionally add slowdown to the system? And this one, why is this one alarmed? There’s a goddamn bonafide bell in here. If the glowing blue liquid reaches it— oh, oh shit, it’s almost there, can I—? HOLY SHIT. And the pieces move!”
The homeowner, 34 year-old Elizabeth Witker, said she’d made no modifications to the house or its curious electrical panels since moving in two years ago.
“At first I didn’t think it was anything unusual,” said Witker. “I asked the handyman, is it really that different from the stuff you usually see? He said yes, very different. Honestly, I felt kind of embarrassed having to explain to him how to do his job. It was like teaching my kids how to flip the breaker when the power went out, or how to fish the combination for the microwave out of the toilet with a shoelace and a fishhook. It’s simple: as soon as you unscrew the panel, the tasty-looking liquid will start advancing through the pipe. Before it runs out of pipe or hits an overload tile, you have to flip over the hidden pipe pieces, then move and rotate them around to form a path to the end. My two year-old can do it.”
“Not only that, he kept asking what the blue liquid was. The blue liquid is not important. What is important is that it flows steadily through the tube to remind you to hurry up and not take life too seriously, otherwise it passes you by! It also powers every single thing in our house, much like electricity, except easier to visualize.”
When asked to comment on the unique tube systems found in Witker’s house, the electric company behind the installation staunchly defended their designs.
“This is what every system on the market looks like,” spoke a representative. “Tubes. Translucent tubes with liquid slowly advancing through them, built incomplete so many pieces must be moved around to make it work at all. It may not be intuitive, yes, but we didn’t invent it, and we aren’t about to go around changing it. If you’re experiencing issues, please contact customer services and we’ll trade in your current system for something more to your liking. Our sliding puzzles are currently on sale.”
At press time, Witker’s lights had reportedly been fixed, and she was last seen calling a locksmith to open the front door after accidentally leaving her three colored medallions inside, along with the necessary hand crank.
CINCINNATI – The simulated bosses from “Job Simulator” are facing significant backlash after refusing to pay living wages to their employees, reports confirmed. Workers have already started to strike and plan to continue until a deal is reached.
“They’re friggin’ robots for Christ’s sake!” one of the protestors said. “They don’t need to buy stuff like food and water. Hell, I don’t think they even have homes to go to. They do nothing but work 24/7. They sometimes offer us donuts as if it will help me pay off my mortgage.”
Many employees have cited the harsh work conditions they are forced to endure. Another employee who wished to remain anonymous had this to said, “We are forced to stand in our cubicles for 8 hours a day. We brought up this concern months ago, but you don’t know how hard it is to explain pain to someone who has never felt it before,” they added. “We stand around all day, quite literally typing 1s and 0s throughout our shifts. They had the audacity to make me write a thank-you note. Confused, I started typing on my binary keyboard, and suddenly a perfect thank-you note was created. They have to be fucking with us at this point.”
Prior to the strike, employees resorted to protesting within the workplace.
“I refuse to work anymore. I usually just throw paper airplanes and coffee cups at my coworkers until it’s time to go home. I never knew you could use a stapler to shoot staples at people. Friggin’ sweet,” the employee continued. “Last Friday, they had a retirement party and asked me, of all people, to give someone a gift. I said, ‘fuck it,’ and gave the son of a bitch a moldy donut that had been sitting on my desk for the past week.”
At press time, employees were hopeful that a falling stock price in the simulated stock market would cause a change in leadership at the company.
FORMER PAYLESS SHOES – A trip down memory lane reportedly took a bitter turn today, when you discovered that the video game you couldn’t afford with childhood allowance is now worth more than you can afford with a full-time job and side hustle.
“Well you have to consider the market,” said Ian Spalzner, owner and sole employee of Master Quest Games. “Emulation might be easier than ever, but real gamers want a connection to their games. They want to feel the plastic for the ten seconds it takes to carry it from the Sterilite tub to the console. They want to be able to hold a little piece of buried treasure with a Blockbuster sticker on it and ‘Kyle’ written on it in black magic marker. You can’t really put a price on that.”
But Spalzner tried – $349.99, before tax and an additional 5% surcharge to all purchases. “Card companies are fuckin’ thieves, man,” he said.
According to the 1993 Toys R Us Christmas ad you vaguely remember, the game was $70 brand new, an unthinkable expense on a weekly allowance of $2.
“Your father and I weren’t made of money. We knew you wanted the Terminator 2 game so we got you the Terminator 2 game. Maybe you should’ve thought a little harder on what you wanted if that one’s so important now,” said your mom, who gave away all of your games without consultation to kid-across-the-street Josh Calvert in 1999. He could not be reached for comment. Master Quest has multiple copies of Terminator 2 on both Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis marked at $6.99 each.
Despite a recent raise to $13.00 an hour and the holiday influx of Lyft fares, $349.99 just isn’t in the cards right now. The heating bill is going up, your unidentified cough is almost severe enough to justify visiting the CVS MinuteClinic, and you only walked into Master Quest to see if it had a cheaper copy of Spider-Man 2 for the PlayStation 5 than GameStop.
When reached for comment on how badly he wants it for Christmas, your nephew said, “Yeah.”
Shopping ended abruptly when Spalzner produced a used copy for $64.99, the same price as GameStop, but made clear he accepted no returns and issued no refunds.
Although you walked away empty-handed and emotionally distraught, Spalzner did offer a silver lining.
“Let me know if you actually have that Toys R Us ad. People pay crazy money for that nostalgic shit.”
We have all been there. Spawning at the shores of Chernarus as a freshie with only a t-shirt, pants and a peach. After a while of wandering in desperation you’ll meet another survivor. Yay! This is going to be so much easier from now on. Together we are going to be strong and survive through this hell. And just like that, the dirty little rat shoots you in the face and you are dead.
That bitter feeling for trusting your life to a complete stranger starts eating you from the inside. You swear you will never trust anyone in this game again. With a black heart you press respawn. From here on out you are going to kill every survivor that gets in your way.
OK stop right there buddy! One does simply not walk into Chernarus and kill a bunch of survivors in the hopes of precious loot and sweet revenge. You have to be one step ahead. Make them trust you and then pull the trigger. Oh, and you definitely are going to need a headset for this. So go get one because here’s 10 best ways to betray your new friends on DayZ:
10) At the Shores of Chernarus
How to get a friend in DayZ official servers is pretty basic stuff. Wait at the shore for someone to spawn, use your headset and say, “Hey come here, I’ll have some food for you, I’m here to help, you can trust me.” Talk a while and go through houses together. Best way to build trust is to give the freshie something to eat and then shoot the freshie in the face.
Freshies don’t usually have much loot with them, but you’ll still be able to harvest the sweet taste of betrayal when you execute one. But remember they will respawn and try to get revenge! So be prepared. If you do encounter them again. Just use a different voice. I usually go with three voices. My normal one, Tony Bennet impression, and a weird funny guy voice, but that usually blows my cover.
9) The Cabin
Meet a freshie and tell them that you know where the legendary airport is. Of course you are leading them to your cabin of horrors somewhere east in the woods. Along the way you have bonded over Rush albums or some other crap like Tarkovsky films.
When near the cabin, tell them to go check that one out back for supplies. Inside they will find a lot of loot from other dead survivors you have just killed. Right at the moment when they say “What is this?!” shoot them in the back of their head. Or better yet… use a screwdriver. Nasty!
8) Veterans of Chernarus
The veterans of this game are the toughest to kill but they have the best loot. There are some that like to help freshies so it’s totally possible to kill them. First of all you have to build trust with them for many hours, even weeks. Everyone makes mistakes and in this game one mistake is a death sentence.
After talking for weeks about your totally relatable but made up personal life, you have now gained some level of trust. So when you again start yapping about your problems at work and they let their guard down to comfort you, take the shot and make it count.
7) Abandonment
OK so you got a new friend in DayZ. Easy! Now become a super duper friend and give them everything you have and help them in every situation possible. Tell them cool stories about how you survived the airport and all that.
Then after a while during some random moment on a field take the “suicide pose” and say “Thanks a lot asshole” and pull the trigger. They will never be the same. They’ll probably start playing “Stardew Valley” and never come back. The emotional damage is just too much to bear. Good riddance!
6) Make Them Laugh
You know what is a great way to have friends? Humor! Just try to make the other survivor laugh. They start to think you are not taking all this surviving stuff that seriously. But you are.
When they are in tears from that joke about your dyslexia, beat them up with a baseball bat you found just one minute ago. While you are at it, say: “Oh did I read you wrong? It’s not funny anymore?”
5) Is That a Raincoat?
You are together inside a house waiting for the storm to end. You have a raincoat on and your buddy has just a suit he found somewhere. You ask your buddy “You like Huey Lewis and The News?” and he probably says something like “Um, they’re OK.”
Then you go into this rather lengthy monologue about their discography. Your buddy asks “Is that a raincoat?” and you say “Yes it is.” Right after you have enlightened your survivor friend with “Hip To Be Square” and its superior lyrics, you take out your axe and butcher your buddy right there.
Try to find canned food around Chernarus now!
4) Triangle
If you find 2 survivors that are buddies, start a friendship with them. At some point send a private message to one of them where you explain that the other one just sent you a message for teaming up to kill the other one.
Kill one then the other. This is like ballet here. If you miss a step, you are the one who is getting wasted. So be ready at all times. Focus on the performance and you will do just fine.
3) Tie em up
So this one is a bit tricky but you’ll get there! Find a survivor, team up, become friends and then beat them with a farming hoe until they are unconscious. When you knock someone unconscious you have the ability to tie them up. So do it with a rope, handcuffs, etc and wait for them to wake up.
At this moment start telling them how you used to be a freshie just like them and wanted to have friends. But as it turned out, the world does not care about people with good hearts. People who blindly trust others are the ones who will get hurt in the end. The world is a cruel place and you are here to give justice. They might start blabbering that they have a team somewhere who are waiting for them. But it’s all lies at this point. Time to kill.
2) Base building
After being friends for a year you probably have built a base together. Some solid fortress in the middle of nowhere full of food and supplies. You have built this system where one guards the base with a sniper rifle while the other one goes out on runs for food.
At this point you have a reserve for one year of supplies for two people. Or two years supplies for one person. Get my equation Oppenheimer? Wait until it’s your turn to guard and then through the scope of the rifle watch as your soon to be dead “friend” gets a bullet in the head. Enjoy yelling in the party chat for a few minutes before leaving victorious.
1) Liar
You think you’re gonna live your life alone, in darkness and seclusion. Yeah, I know. You’ve been out there, tried to mix with those zombies and it just left you full of humiliated confusion.
So you stagger back to the shore and wait for nothing. But the solitary nature of Chernarus coast spits you back out onto the street and now you’re desperate and in need of another survivor contact.
And then you meet me. I’ll give you some salty sticks and talk about things going on in my life. When you are kneeling down to that water pump to drink some water. I’ll smack the shit out of you with my shovel. You wanna know why? Because I’m a liar.
BALTIMORE – Parents of 15-year-old Josh Miller were shocked to find the decomposing corpse of their son last Wednesday, according to police. Crime scene photos of his gaming rig show nothing but a pile of rotting flesh wearing a headset. Investigators have ruled the cause as accidental after his friend Michael failed to play video games with him.
“I’m devastated, to say the least,” said Michael. “I got home from school and wanted to make a quick snack. After eating, I accidentally took a nap, and by the time I woke up, I sort of just forgot. Because of that, Josh is no longer with us today.”
Michael proceeded to show the last text messages between him and Josh: a simple “hop on fort,” followed by “bet.”
“I want everyone reading to know the dangers of not getting on the game with your friends,” Michael added. “Don’t make the mistakes that I did. I will have to live with this for the rest of my life, and the only thing I can do now is change.”
Josh’s parents were too distraught to make a statement. Lawyers for the family presented a statement for the media.
“We cannot begin to describe the pain we have endured this week. We have nothing left of our son besides this sweet HyperX gaming headset. We decided to hang it on the mantle in his honor,” the statement reads. “I hope all parents understand the importance of making sure your kids don’t get mixed up with the wrong crowd of people who never hop on the game when they say they’re going to.”
Miller’s school held a special assembly to spread awareness of trying to link up with the worst friends ever who don’t actually ‘lock in’ to game time. Many of Miller’s loved ones prepared speeches to honor his memory. Students have even started wearing gaming headsets during school hours. With the help of the community, this reporter believes steps will be taken so a tragedy like this never befalls this community again.
