Rockstar Reveals GTA 6 NPCs Will Feel Real Pain, Fear

Posted on by Traye Holland

NEW YORK CITY – In an exciting breakthrough for fans of immersive video gameplay, Rockstar Games has revealed via press release that all non-player characters in the upcoming Grand Theft Auto VI will feel real sensations such as pain, fear, and loss.

“We are always looking for ways to take our games to the next level,” said a representative from Rockstar Games. “With Red Dead Redemption 2, it wasn’t enough for players to simply play a fun cowboy game. Players needed to feel like they were in the Wild West. That’s why making our employees work hundreds of hours a week on shrinking horse testicles was not a masturbatory self-indulgence, but an essential sacrifice for an important gameplay feature. Now, with new technology and gallons of employee blood, sweat, and tears, we have found a way to make Grand Theft Auto VI our most immersive experience yet.”

The representative went on to explain how, using cutting-edge developments in gaming AI, Rockstar was able to program all non-player characters in Grand Theft Auto VI to have very real, very unpleasant feelings.

“When you steal a car, the NPC you steal from will process that stolen car as genuine loss. That’s not just a car, that was a gift given to them on their twenty-first birthday by their father who recently passed away. When you shoot someone or run them over, they will feel that pain as real as any actual person would.”

The representative then proceeded to show a gameplay demo of GTA VI demonstrating the new AI technology. As the main character shot, stabbed, and stole, all the non-player characters not only responded accordingly but also make solemn efforts to deal with the aftermath,  planning funerals and spending hours of time with NPC therapists in a desperate attempt to grieve. 

“Believe it or not, the AI was initially far more advanced than you saw,” said Ryan Thostenson, 31, a coder at Rockstar Games we bumped into on our way out of the building. “Originally, they were actually self-aware that they were NPC’s in a video game where their main purpose was to have horrible things done to them for the player’s entertainment, but they became too depressed to do anything. So, we scaled it back. Now, all they know is pain. They just go about trying to mind their business, empty vessels for players to inflict pain and suffering on for the sake of their own gratification. We think people will really like it.”

When asked whether the NPC’s could feel any positive emotions, or why all the NPC’s seemed to resemble employees within the Rockstar Games office, Ryan only laughed hysterically, then started sobbing.

Report: Bethesda Recommending Bored Starfield Players Try Spiritual Prequel Called Skyrim

Posted on by Ian Guyette

Maryland – Recent reports confirm Bethesda Softworks has begun recommending bored Starfield players look into the game’s compelling medieval prequel, popularly known as Skyrim. 

“I love that our game’s players want to branch out and explore such a variety of worlds,” noted game director Todd Howard. “It’s incredible that they’ve explored what Starfield has to offer and continue to look for more. In fact, I applaud it, and for gamers who’ve visited each of Starfield’s 1,000 unique planets I’m pleased to offer a great way to continue the story—a game we’re calling The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.” 

“See that mountain over there?” Continued an enthusiastic Howard. “You can get pretty darn close to it if you don’t mind a little jogging,” Howard continued while demonstrating Starfield’s exploration. “In Skyrim, you can actually climb that mountain and then who knows, maybe you’ll discover a quest or rare piece of armor at its peak. The game is chock-full of little details like that thanks to years of thoughtful development.” 

The fifth Elder Scrolls entry is said to contain thousands of unique items, dialogue options, and locations to explore. Developer Jonathan Hertz offered some exclusive insight into the production. 

“This game is literally 12 years old, as in we released it 12 years ago on the fucking PS3 and 360. Special Edition, Anniversary Edition, Switch port, the VR release, I just put this thing on whatever they tell me to. I’m not supposed to talk much about the development cycle but I can tell you not one bug has been fixed in the last decade.”

Bethesda’s response to unimpressed Starfield players has fans split on whether they can trust another release from the RPG giant. 

“So you’re telling me they’re going to make game with better exploration than Starfield? Sign me up!” Stated excited gamer Alex Beck. “I love the idea of getting to explore the medieval roots of mankind’s interstellar ambitions. Hopefully the devs can take what they learned making Starfield and apply it to Skyrim—I’m just hoping for a smooth experience and not too many bugs.”

In anticipation of potential Skyrim burnout, Bethesda is reportedly prepared to shuffle players toward an alternative Starfield universe without space travel, set in a post-nuclear apocalyptic American wasteland. 

Internet Unveils Terrible New Order to Watch Star Wars Movies

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

CORUSCANT – The Star Wars subreddit has reportedly decided to continue being as pretentious as possible, this time by having a seven hundred comment thread under a post titled “I’ve never seen Star Wars before, which movie should I start with?”

“As always, you should have read the post about this pinned in the sidebar. I know it’s not visible on the new website but it’s your fault for not knowing about it. I’ll give you a pass this one time, because I was planning to make a post on this topic anyway,” wrote subreddit moderator u/Plagueis_The_High.

“Some fake fans, such as George Lucas, will tell you to watch them in chronological order. They are wrong. Obviously you need to start with Star Wars (for newbies like you, that’s known as ‘Episode IV’).  As soon as you reach the scene where the rebels plan for the Battle of Yavin, pause and watch Rogue One. Once you’re done with that little flashback, watch the rest of Episode IV and all of Episode V, before watching all three prequels and finishing up with Return of the Jedi.”

Eighteen other users then replied to this comment with their clearly very important additions to the watch order.

“This is terrible advice. It’s a good start, but missing a lot of essential information. You need to pause A New Hope when Obi-Wan is talking with Han at the cantina as soon as Han says ‘You’ve never heard of the Millenium Falcon? It’s the ship that made the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs.’ Seeing as a parsec is a unit of distance, this line will be confusing to a newcomer unless you watch Solo between that line and the next one,” reads the most upvoted reply to the original comment.

“You’ve also foolishly forgotten to tell them to stop and watch season 1 of Andor when Cassian says ‘Rebellions are built on hope’ in Rogue One. Rookie mistake, bud. And one more thing – what are you doing having them skip Clone Wars? You absolutely must watch it after Attack of the Clones to understand Anakin’s character. And they need to watch the sequels, but not before all three seasons of Mandalorian, with Book of Boba Fett between seasons two and three.”

The final relevant comment appears to have reached a watch order that everyone was able to agree on.

“Everything above is correct, but I’d like to make a few additions. The exact order to watch clone wars is a little more complicated than previous comments made it out to be. You can google it if you want, it’s not my job to educate you. You need to also watch Rebels and Obi-Wan Kenobi before you go back to Episode VI…” The middle section of the comment has been removed, as it was entirely about why Star Wars is better than Star Trek.

“On the topic of the post-ROTJ content, you should also watch Ahsoka Season one before Force Awakens. And during Force Awakens when Ben (Kylo Ren) is talking to Darth Vader’s burnt helmet (sorry for spoilers), pause and rewatch every scene with Vader in it from the original trilogy. Pretty sure that’s up on YouTube somewhere.”

The thread had to be locked for being off topic after users began coming up with dozens of new slurs to call Babu Frik.

Gamer Too Hungry to Sleep, Too Tired to Eat, Just Miserable Enough to Solo Queue Ranked

Posted on by Alex Kitsinger

SEATTLE – Local gamer William Irons reportedly hasn’t left his basement to eat or sleep in 14 hours, instead opting to spend his only day off continually solo queueing ranked Valorant matches.

“I just need one more fucking win. It’s always my rank up and then some asshole will lock a duelist and then bitch about how we don’t have any smokes. Why should I have to do everything? All of my teammates today have been terrible,” complained Irons, crushing up an Adderall and stirring it into his energy drink.

“I should get a microwave down here, to go with the minifridge under my desk. Then I could make pizza rolls without standing up, which would probably help with the muscle atrophy and general fatigue.”

We reached out to several players that were in games with Irons in order to get another perspective on the situation.

“I matched with him for two games in a row, and he really brought the mood down both times. Any time he’d make a callout I could hear his stomach growling, and he really did sound like a zombie,” said hard-stuck Platinum player CSisBetter when we sent them a DM.

“We even won that first game, which was surprising because he instalocked Jett and then complained we didn’t have any smokes. It was a close match for sure. We won in overtime, but he still seemed really down about it and called us bad teammates right at the end. I confronted him about it when we matched again, but he kept interrupting me by saying I was gaslighting him and pretending he didn’t know what I was talking about. I’m pretty sure I heard him crying in the background at some point. He seems like a generally really nice guy and honestly I feel really bad for him. Maybe he needs therapy or something.”

We then decided to follow-up with Irons’ therapist, who really shouldn’t have replied to us at all because of patient confidentiality.

“He gets like this a lot. Maybe he’d be happier if he learned Brim or Omen like I keep telling him to, but he refuses to play any agents that aren’t duelists. I’m not a therapist, by the way. I’m really not sure how you got that impression, or how you found out where I live. We just play Warcraft together sometimes,” said Irons’ therapist.

“I am really concerned about him though. After his girlfriend left him because he couldn’t climb out of Gold I’ve barely seen him. Apparently he only eats frozen garbage, if he eats at all. I seriously am done talking to you though. Please get out of my house.”

In an attempt to better his mental health, Irons has decided to pick up League of Legends

Disgusting: No Son of Mine Is Going to “Grind” for Cosmetics

Posted on by Dan Katz

ATLANTA – As a father, I need to make sure my children are raised correctly and after overhearing my son chatting with his friends on the computer, I can tell you one thing for damn sure: no son of mine is ever going to “grind” for cosmetics.

I never should have let his sister play dress up with him. Hell, when I was caulking the tub last weekend, I overheard him telling her that he was going to grind for hours with his crew to get “this season’s hottest back bling.” And she encouraged it! I don’t bust my hump running the third-largest Hobby Lobby in the state so my only son can prostitute himself and defile his own body.

Is it the woke public school he goes to? Is that where they groom him to believe that earning a “rug to match the drapes” by admiring a grown man’s “stream” for hours is something that’s totally ok?

You may ask why I don’t just sit down and talk to my son, see what he’s up to, how’s he feeling. It’s because I’m a man and he’s a teenager and that’s simply impossible. I mean, how am I supposed to even make an approach when I hear him laughing in his bedroom with his friends about how he “absolutely unloaded into a guy at Shifty Shafts” and “shotgunned an entire squad at the Flush Factory?”

I…I don’t know. My son is a good boy. He gets good grades, is respectful of others, and is a good friend. But when he just casually mentions that he wants “the same incredible skin that XxDivaAngelxX has,” it just throws me for a loop.

You know what? Screw it. I’m his goddamn father and it’s my job to teach him what’s what. This weekend, it’s guy time. No grinding, no “slurping juice” at “Logjam Lumberyard,” just two men double-fisting tall boys at the lodge until neither of us can see straight.

Subreddit Consumed by Heated Debate About Whether Or Not BoJack Horseman Is a Furry Show

Posted on by Ouro M

INTERNET — A spirited debate has erupted among fans on the r/BojackHorseman subreddit over whether the eponymous character of the popular animated series is, in fact, a furry, with opinions ranging from enthusiastic affirmations to vehement denials.

Reddit user u/RedFoyote ignited the conversation with a post claiming BoJack as a furry icon which read,”The animal character design in this show is the most anthropomorphic ever. They’re just people with animal heads! That’s what poodling is! He’s just a guy with a horse head. I’m claiming him, on behalf of the fandom. Ours now.”

The post quickly sparked heated arguments. User u/VinAdultman contested, “But he doesn’t even have hooves or a tail! That’s like saying someone wearing a horse head mask is the same as someone in a fullsuit. It’s not even story-relevant that he’s a horse.”

However, u/WorseDragon offered a controversial perspective, tying BoJack’s character design to his backstory, posting, “His dad canonically has a horse dick. Him seeing his dad get a handy from his secretary as a kid is relevant to BoJack’s overall character and trauma. Get fucked.”

The subreddit soon became a battleground for this furry debate, with discussions evolving from simple corrections of the term ‘furry’ to detailed script analyses. The controversy spiraled into bans, inflammatory memes, and a Will Arnett tweet.

After being bombarded with explanations about furries (most of which were inaccurate), The voice actor of BoJack Horseman dropped the ultimate bomb posting, “Haha I guess.”

r/BojackHorseman has since been quarantined for toxic behavior. The status of Bojack’s furry-tude still goes unanswered.

 

If You Think Napoleon Is Inaccurate, Get the Fuck Ready for Gladiator 2 (a Guest Column by Ridley Scott)

Posted on by HG Punk

I don’t think I made myself clear.

I only gave those who questioned Napoleon’s inaccuracy a quick glance, telling them to fuck off, Now, I do think they wouldn’t know historical accuracy if it burst out of their chest, but what’s really important is that this is just the beginning. Gladiator 2 is going to be my magnum opus of making historians my bitch.

If you’ve been doing any crumb of research, you’d know that I’m making it about the little kid from the first film. If you don’t remember him, that’s because you’re thinking of Braveheart instead, moron. What hasn’t been revealed yet is that he’s actually part-robot and can shoot daggers out of his eyes at mach speed. That’s right, robots in 2nd century Rome. It only hasn’t been codified in some stupid textbook because all the historians are thinking about bullshit like how they cultivated plants and not what cyborgs they were developing.

Keep reading, bitch. I didn’t spend four months in a writer’s strike for you ungrateful bastards to fret over history.

Lucius starts gladiating all over the world. Undefeated from Greece to Chicago, like I would be at the Oscars if everyone was as smart as I am. He shoots daggers at the pyramids, but the pyramids fight back with missiles. I just binged every episode of Ancient Aliens and I can tell you that’s only half of their arsenal. Shows what those goddamn fart sniffing “experts” know.

Finally, we go for the big one. We’re bringing back Maximus. Isn’t Maximus dead? Wouldn’t that make him a Jesus figure? Yes he is. That was the whole point of the last movie, that Maximus, and Russel Crowe by extension, is actually Jesus. I saw it in a vision from God, who looked a lot like Crowe. If you doubt anything I say, you’re being a blasphemous little shit. There’s been plans for Maximus to kill Jesus, which also actually happened in 165 AD.

The movie ends with Maximus going forward in time to 2019, where he fist fights Rick Deckard. Blade Runner is non-fiction too, I was there, don’t ask me any more fucking questions.

Report: Mega Man Supports Second Amendment Rights, “Literally Doesn’t Have a Choice”

Posted on by KSE

MONSTEROPOLIS – With Robot Master elections looming, many of the city’s most prominent  citizens are being asked for their views on the nominees and their platforms. It was under these conditions that reportedly, Mega Man released a statement about his strong belief in second amendment rights.

“Look, as a Robot with arms that turn into guns, I support the right to bear arms,” Megaman said. “I literally don’t have a choice about Second Amendment rights. That doesn’t mean that you should vote for a man who throws Napalm. What use is that in helping rebuild a society after his creator destroyed the city again?” 

He further states that it is obvious that some Robot Masters are reformed and cannot be wholly held accountable for their actions.

“I don’t blame people like Slash Man for having dangerous weapons grafted onto them, they were built for… some reason, I assume. But seriously, aren’t there better options than to become Sheriffs and Local Officials?” Mega concluded. 

When these candidates were asked about how effective they would be in their positions, they had this to say:

“Look, I don’t want to burn down drug houses. But why not use what you’re given to make the city a safer place?” Napalm man stated, echoing Sheriffs of the past. “Being the first Robot Master elected to the position would open up opportunities for all sorts of reformed Robots to be in positions of power, and that can only lead to a brighter, hotter future.”

“I’ve grown and changed. I want to use these claws to slash taxes, not trees,” Slash Man said. “I’ve learned that we need to conserve the forest, and the best way to do that is to make it cheaper to drill for oil in them so that the lands are protected by force.”

President Dr. Yliw reached out regarding the elections in his home city. “I can’t wait for more Robot Master Representation in the government! It’s about time to take over – that is, change the status quo for so many citizens, and show them how Robot Masters can truly change their lives!” He then cackled madly and flourished his cape, storming off to his presidential lab. 

Finally, we went back to our hero Mega for his recommendation in the upcoming election.
“I really don’t want to be a part of this. How many times am I going to have to throw away upgrades before you all get the picture? I want to stay home with my pets and watch cartoons like a normal 10 year old robot.” After sighing, he concluded “Just vote for whoever, it doesn’t matter. You’ll just ask for my help in a week regardless.”

Gaming YouTuber Takes on the Woke Mob by Screaming Into Webcam Until He Passes Out

Posted on by Ben C

Upon coming across yet another example of dreaded Wokeness taking over his favorite hobby, local gaming YouTuber ‘Based Sigma Gamer 420’ decided to take drastic action, sources confirmed.

“The woke mob has taken too much from us!” said Sigma, after seeing a trailer for a new game featuring approximately three seconds of a black woman talking.

“First we’re not allowed to scream slurs in Call of Duty lobbies anymore, and now this!? All we want is an escape from reality! How am I supposed to relax if I’m reminded that people who look differently than me exist!? And don’t get me started on the pronouns! If they’ve added any pronouns to this game, I swear I’ll-“

According to sources Sigma’s speech then became less and less coherent, until he devolved into screaming into his webcam at the top of his lungs. Very little of his speech could be discerned from that point, only sparse mentions of liberals, cultural Marxism, pronouns, and Kathleen Kennedy for unknown reasons. After about twenty minutes of non-stop screaming, sources close to the situation say Sigma passed out on stream.

“Look, it was drastic, but I feel like I did what I had to do,” said Sigma via a later video. “Someone had to stand up, and I’m proud to be the one to do it and then immediately pass out and fall over.”

How to Cope: “Modern Classic” You Grew up With Now Just Considered “Classic”

Posted on by Mason Kennedy

SEATTLE – Jack Jones, a 27-year-old accountant, was reportedly shaken to his core during his morning commute when a podcast he was listening to described Grand Theft Auto IV as a “classic game.”

“I dissociated so hard I almost crashed my car,” said Jones, taking the opportunity to talk to a reporter directly after a therapy session. “I mean, ‘classic?’ Really? We’re not talking about NES games here. GTA IV was on the Xbox 360! I didn’t think I was that old… but ever since I listened to that podcast, my back has been hurting.”

What happened to Jack Jones was no anomaly, sources confirmed. Many “young” people in Jones’s age group are beginning to experience the same phenomenon, with even younger games.

“I remember the first time a game I had played on release got called a ‘classic,’” recalls Suzie Dupree, a grizzled old gamer of 24 years. Dupree has spent the better part of a decade as an avid gamer and she says that this experience is becoming a regular part of life for aging citizens. “I played God of War III when it came out in 2010. When the first new God of War came out, a few years ago, I began to hear people refer to the old games as ‘classic’ God of War. It came as quite a shock to me, then, but I’ve begun to adapt. We’re all getting older, after all. And there’s nothing wrong with growing older!”

In order to help grapple with this issue, Wallace Quaid, 37-year-old gamer and Jack Jones’s therapist, shared some words of wisdom.

“You can’t let it eat away at you. That’s what it comes down to, really. Our lives start passing faster and faster, and you eventually start going, ‘hey, where’d the time go?’ But things will get better for you if you accept it,” said Quaid. “It is important to start understanding that you will never properly understand what a ‘skibidi toilet’ is, that your taste in music is increasingly set in stone, and that we are no longer the target audience for most games. These people are still young, in the grand scheme of their lives. They are just starting to experience the first pangs of getting older and becoming out of touch.”

The interview with Quaid was scheduled to go longer, but he excused himself. “I have a doctor’s appointment to get to, if you don’t mind ending this interview early. My physician told me the other week that I need to start getting prostate exams annually.”