PLANO, Texas — A recently deputized agent for the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement has earned a flashy new accessory after completing 100 unconstitutional detainments since the beginning of the second Trump administration.
“I was beginning to think I would never unlock it,” said Connor Stevens, a former sheriff’s deputy. “All the guides online said you got it after 100, but a lot of the guys here said their friends got gold sunglasses after smashing 50 windows, so I thought maybe something got screwed up and I’d never get it. To be honest, I don’t even like how it looks, but I gotta wear it so everyone knows that I’m for real. They need to know how hard I’ve worked to get here.”
Some of Stevens’s fellow agents did not admire his achievement.
“Sure, if you grind all the easy kidnappings, you can get that tacky skin in no time,” said Greg Parker, who volunteers at a local militia. “Some of us only do the higher-tier illegal detentions—y’know, the ones that require tactics. I don’t want to just grab a guy off the street. That’s not intellectually stimulating. I want to threaten a woman’s granddaughter to bait her into a trap. I want to find crazy ways to interpret tattoos so that they ‘prove’ gang membership. Really, they should just discontinue the gold gear. Not only does it ruin entire missions by being incredibly conspicuous, it’s also incentivizing these no-talent prestige-farmers to only take the easy jobs. Queues for the good kidnappings have been insanely long.”
ICE Director Todd Lyons defended the rewards program.
“I want to be clear: these unlockables are purely aesthetic,” said Lyons. “They offer no advantages to the agents who have obtained them, and they’re not meant to create any kind of hierarchy. The intent is to provide agents with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different gear. Also, we’ve found that most of our agents are primarily motivated by dangling shiny objects in front of them. That, and a sociopathic need to inflict pain and trauma on vulnerable people who can’t reasonably fight back.”
At press time, Stevens had reportedly stopped wearing his gold gaiter, as it was incompatible with his newly purchased Homelander skin.
LOS ANGELES — Sony Pictures Entertainment released their slate of upcoming films for 2026, spearheaded by a feature length adaptation of Windows 95’s 3D pipes screensaver, studio reps have confirmed.
“We really took a bath with all those Marvel projects, so for our next adaptation we wanted to pull from something universally appealing but still has enough depth to stretch out over 90 minutes. After six or seven focus groups, I’m proud to announce ‘Pipes! A ScreenSaver Story’ will be released on Christmas of next year,” said executive Jack Alexander. “This movie will have the calming nostalgia factor for older millennials, and second screen brain rot adjacent randomness for their kids. If there’s one thing I know, the audience will watch whatever we churn out even if it’s insultingly dumb. Plus we can advertise it as the world’s first procedurally generated movie! I need the marketing team to start designing pipe popcorn buckets immediately.”
The production team tasked with bringing the 3D pipes to the big screen acknowledged the challenges of adapting a beloved institution.
“Jack burst into our office three weeks ago and told us to make a movie about the screensaver pipes, and I thought he was just coming down from another coke bender until I saw the press release. So yeah, we’re trying to figure out how the fuck we’re supposed to make this work. Maybe the pipes are battling the 3D flower box screensaver, and the red pipe is voiced by Patrick Stewart? We’re still noodling the storyboard, but all we know for sure is that it’ll end with the pipes joining the other screensavers for the ‘Clippy Initiative’. How we get there is beyond me,” said producer Kevin Joyce. “The suits told us they’re pulling resources from Beyond the Spider-Verse and making this a top priority, so we need to pull out all the stops. I think we can tap Hans Zimmer for the score and throw in a brick maze screensaver easter egg, we might be able to make this work. However this turns out I know for a fact it’ll be a hit with those who drop acid at the movies and previously owned a Compaq Presario 633.”
As of press time, Alexander spent a late night drug binge greenlighting several more films based on 90’s PC software including a $300 million sci-fi action epic based on the 3D pinball game Space Cadet.
I had other plans for this week, but then I installed Hordes of Hunger “just to see what it’s like.” Naturally, I proceeded to play little else for the last few days.
Hordes, now available in Steam Early Access, is a hack-and-slash action game that bills itself as a “3D action Survivorslike.” At the start of each run, you’re dropped into part of a ruined medieval society with a horde of undead on your heels. If you can stay alive for long enough to level up, you earn the first of a series of upgrades that can eventually transform your character into a tiny god of death.
Hordes is technically a “bullet heaven” game, though it doesn’t contain anything that fits even the most generous definition of a bullet. It’s all about that zero to hero progression, where you start at the weak end of the power curve and build yourself into a magical anti-zombie lawnmower. By the end of a typical run through Hordes, it’s rare for me to even seea monster before one of my half-dozen auto-targeting ranged attacks turns it to soup.
There’s some damaged part of my brain that really resonates with this type of game. They’re easy to get into, they require just enough thought to keep me focused, and they’re made to be played in short bursts. Hordes does test your reflexes more than some other games in its lane, as some enemies do have relatively complex attack patterns, but you can build around that.
Beyond that, however, Hordes initially got its hooks into me through its narrative, which is careful to only give you a few small details at a time. At the start of the game, you’re dropped into the thick of the fray with no explanation whatsoever. You’re a woman with a sword and there are zombies trying to kill you. The specifics will have to wait.
As you make progress through the game, you’re gradually told more. Your character’s name is Mirah; your village was suddenly overrun by monsters, controlled by an entity only known as the Beast; Mirah was killed, but her father used unspecified, potentially dark magic to bring her back. Now Mirah, unable to die permanently, works to save who she can and destroy the Beast.
What’s interesting to me about this, as a terminal narrative-design nerd, is how careful Hordes is toavert the “as you know” problem. You have to put together much of Hordes’ story on your own, from what few pieces of information arise relatively naturally through Mirah’s conversations with other survivors. There’s an in-game Codex that lays out some of the basics, but the rest is left to you to figure out from context.
The story itself isn’t anything earthshaking, but I like the way in which it’s told. Dark fantasy games have been a dime a dozen lately due to the success of Dark Souls, but Hordes’ plot has a subtle emotional weight that sets it apart from the pack.
The other thing that jumps out at me about Hordes, at time of writing, is that it’s surprisingly easy. You could go for character builds that emphasize melee combat and careful dodging, or go full glass cannon, but neither of those are as effective as stacking multiple passive sources of damage and healing. If you luck into Bloodlust (heal 1 HP for every kill from any source) and/or Fist of Heavens (random lightning strikes against any enemy onscreen) early on, you’re almost guaranteed to make it to the end of the run.
Ideally, that wouldn’t mean that either of those skills get watered down, but rather that everything else gets powered up to match their level. Right now, it feels like there’s one true build in Hordes, where you actively try to avoid using your melee weapon at all, and nothing else comes close.
Obviously, your mileage may vary. I always have a hard time in these games with being able to tell whether something is my best or the best available strategy. That being said, after some experimentation, it appears that the single easiest way to get through Hordes is through hitting everything with lightning until it ceases to be a problem. Just like real life.
Hordes, as noted above, is currently in Early Access, with an established road map and plans to be feature-complete in roughly six months. That includes the addition of a harder difficulty setting after you clear the game, which addresses one of my concerns.
As of right now, Hordes is worth a look. It’s got solid mechanics, but its story was what really pulled me in. If it can carry this momentum forward to its final release, it should be a solid pick-up-and-play action game.
[Hordes of Hunger, developed byHyperstrange and published by Kwalee, is now available in Steam Early Access for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Kwalee PR representative.]
WASHINGTON — One time celebrated national hero and babe-save, Duke Nukem was recently appointed to the Pentagon by President Donald Trump. Unfortunately, according to sources, Duke is finding his new job dull and unfulfilling.
“All I do is chew bubblegum, really. That’s all I do. There’s nothing. No explosions, no babes, no extraterrestrials. It’s all a big hoax. I’m just sitting here until I eventually point the Devastator at myself. If it even shoots anymore. This sucks. My face, my ass… what’s the difference?” says Duke.
Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth sees things differently.
“We hired Duke for his extensive curriculum vitae and his übermensch abilities to work under stress. We’re sad Duke thinks there’s no work to do when there clearly is. We’re going to send Duke to Moscow so we can expand our empire there. Make Russia great again!”
Office cleaner Jacob McStoney, who’s been cleaning offices at the Pentagon for over 20 years, is baffled, to say the least.
“Okay dude, after Trump became president, this place turned into a circus, man. We’ve got all these weird clowns coming in and out, making a mess and Duke is the saddest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. The man just sits at his desk and chews bubblegum all day. He’s got the thousand-yard stare. The spark is gone. I wish this nightmare would end soon. This job used to rule. Now I spend most of my day scraping Duke’s chewed gum off the office floor. I’m behind schedule and probably gonna get fired soon. Thanks a lot, Trump.”
At press time, Duke’s desk was empty, with only a single Post-it note left behind. It read, “Eat shit and die.”
Xbox gamers upset over Gears of War leaping over to the PlayStation, I come to soothe your pain. Forget the fact that more people are going to enjoy an updated version of the original. The end of Gear’s console exclusivity puts Marcus, Dom, and the rest of Cog in the good company of Sega and Sonic the Hedgehog. Don’t believe me? Look at this pregnant Marcus Fenix I just drew.
The floodgates are open. The entire series is going to find its way to the PlayStation (and maybe even Switch 2). Don’t let that distract you from the fact that you need to be creating your own headcanon from this point forward. Pregnant Marcus Fenix is just the start. Imagine a world with Twink Baird, Corpser X Brumak, and a gender-swapped General RAAM. Now stop imagining and go out and make those and so much more a reality.
Do you know how many members there are of the Carmine family? Now the world will never know cause we’re going to create so many Carmines that serve as fan implants. Harold Carmine is a simple farmer on Sera that just wants to care for his crops and cut down trees on his farm. When a giant worm kills his favorite cousin, he sets out to avenge Benjamin by taking out as many Locusts as he can. In the midst of revenge, he finds an impossible love with a Ticker that can’t explode. Caught between the Cog and the Locusts, they go into hiding, to keep the flame of their love alive. Is Harold Carmine real, you ask? Guess you’ll have to do some research.
After we hit them with piles of art and fan fiction then Gear’s transformation into Sonic will enter its final phase. Blockbuster movies. Imagine that first trailer. We all hate it and take to the internet to bully Microsoft and Netflix into changing what we don’t like about it. Then the unthinkable happens. They fold and give into our crazy demands. Leading to three massively successful movies.
This could be our future. So, you can wine into the void about PlayStation gamers getting to play a twenty-year-old game or you can pick up a goddamn pencil and start the Gears of War Renaissance.
WASHINGTON — Just days after his pledge to resurrect the defunct prison, Alcatraz, President Donald Trump has demanded the doors of the zombie-infested RPD to open to the public once again, our sources confirm.
“It’s been far too long since that hoax of a t-virus outbreak that was very minor and very insignificant compared to the China flu that I eradicated on day one,” said the President during an Oval Office press conference regarding updates on the ongoing trade war. “The great people of Raccoon City want to see the golden unicorn statue and slide down the marble staircase railings, and the low IQ Democrats don’t want that to happen, it’s sick and wrong!”
The President’s recent fixation on the shuttered police department came after being informed of a similar t-virus outbreak in Spain, originating in the Las Plagas parasite, stealing the United States claim to the zombie-making disease.
“The superior t-virus is a medical marvel that originated right here in the USA. The Umbreller Corporation, who have the biggest brains in pharmaceuticals, are doing a great job containing any outbreaks,” he said in response to a question regarding the timetable for the Epstein flight logs release. “It’s a great virus, it really is, we pumped Fetterman up with the stuff and he’s doing great, isn’t he folks?”
The RPD, which has been boarded-up since 1998, was at the epicenter of a t-virus outbreak that mutated tens of thousands of Americans into animated corpses. It has been labeled a biohazard and condemned, only evading complete destruction in hopes to contain any zombies that may still wander the halls.
In a recent post on Truth Social Trump wrote, ““For too long, America has been plagued by vicious, violent, and repeat MONSTERS, the dregs of society, who roam our streets and will never contribute anything other than Misery and Suffering. Closing the RPD was one of the WORST decisions made by the Radical Left Lunatics who want these zombies EATING YOUR PETS and DOGS.”
At press time, the President revealed that “Mr. X, big guy, strong guy, with tears in his eyes, approached me begging for the RPD to let tasty sacks of flesh back into his domain”.
WASHINGTON — U.S. President Donald Trump decided to reverse all tariffs he had announced earlier this year after he downloaded and played real-time strategy game Age of Empires IV on Xbox Game Pass, sources report.
“I learned a lot about trade from playing this game, maybe the most anyone has ever learned,” Trump told reporters. “While playing as the French in the Feudal Age, I’ve noticed that I can replace my gold return from trade with food. This got me to second-guess these sweeping tariffs. What was I thinking imposing them on places like Central America and Indonesia? Are we suddenly going to start growing bananas and coffee domestically? That’s absurd. I’d like to apologize to the American people and announce that I’m hereby voiding all tariffs, which is probably the greatest decision by any president since my decision to implement them in the first place. I’d also like to thank Age of Empires IV for the important lesson.”
Soybean farmer Henry Bornek reacted to the reversal.
“I mean, it’s great that he finally stopped this nonsense,” Bornek reported. “I just wish he had played that game sooner so it wouldn’t damage our relationships with our trading partners. I was financially devastated from the retaliatory tariffs that predictably came from China after Trump made his announcement, and now I’m going to be in competition with farmers in Brazil going forward as we’re seen as less dependable allies. To say I regret my vote is probably the understatement of the century.”
Political scientist Gemma Dobrinik provided her expertise on the matter.
“You’d be surprised how video games influence presidential decisions,” Dobrinik offered. “Barack Obama got the idea for the Affordable Care Act after seeing how convenient and affordable hospital visits were in Grand Theft Auto, and George W. Bush learned about using the military to end supposed terrorism from Counter-Strike. It’s definitely a mixed bag, so we’re just lucky that our current president was inspired by a video game to do something positive.”
At press time, Trump was weighing whether to halt all space exploration after playing Metroid Dread for Nintendo Switch.
LOS ANGELES — The popularity of Andor has led Lego to add a DLC to Lego Star Wars featuring the show’s many massacres and war crimes rendered with colourful bricks.
“We’re huge fans of Andor,” revealed Thomas Enright, lead developer of Lego Star Wars. “And we knew players would love to immerse themselves in the massacre of the peaceful Ghormans and hear the familiar breaking bricks sound when innocent civilians are murdered in the streets by an out of control fascist regime. Players will control Andor as he makes his way through the massacre, trying to keep his health up as he loses his faith in humanity. Also you can choose to play as Jar Jar Binks.”
Some fans have argued that including the DLC trivializes the events of the Emmy-nominated show.
“It’s genocide, at the end of the day,” said Owen Cook, standing outside of Lego headquarters. “It is disgraceful what’s happening and to not acknowledge what’s happening while making excuses and trying to silence those voices raised against it is offensive. But then to try and smooth it over with a Lego depiction cheapens the plight of the Gazan people. Wait, Star Wars? What are you talking about?”
Tony Gilroy, Oscar-nominated showrunner, welcomes the DLC.
“Whatever, man,” said Gilroy, a self-professed Star Wars newbie. “Once this is done, I’m out. I’ve made the best piece of Star Wars since The Last Jedi, and I’m ready to bounce. Dave Filoni can go back to smashing his action figures together while I go back to making Oscar winning movies. Peace.”
At press time, the Order 66 DLC is delayed as developers struggle to accurately depict the murder of children.
Everyone’s been talking about the second season of Tony Gilroy’s “Andor”, the show which proved once again that something can be related to Star Wars and be good at the same time. But there’s still something missing for all of us true Star Wars fans out there. We don’t care about “dialogue” that “pushes the plot forward” or “causes viewers to think about weighty themes like sacrifice and authoritarianism”. We don’t care about what it took to get the Rebellion to take off, all of the lives on the line in the absence of the Jedi and the boots-on-the-ground missions that built the backbone of resistance against the Galactic Empire. No, for us, Star Wars is about one thing and one thing only: lightsaber duels. We need big colorful lines to go swoosh and fwoom across our TV screens. As such, we’ve decided to make season two of “Andor” much better by digitally adding a lightsaber fight to every single scene.
Let’s give an example: in season two episode two, there’s a tension-filled scene in which Imperial officers and stormtroopers are about to discover Cassian Andor’s friends Bix, Wil and Brasso hiding out on the agricultural planet of Mina-Rau without visas. It’s a timely scene with parallels to real-world events, but it’s also BORING! How sick would it be if all of a sudden, the camera pans over and we discover that Cal Kestis is clashing sabers with the Fifth Brother or something over in a field of grain? Now THAT’S more like it! We added this scene to make everything feel a little more “Star Wars”.
Another lightsaber fight we added happens when Imperial stooge Syril Karn is visiting his mother on Coruscant. Sure, it’s a scene that emphasizes how abusive parenting imprints on future generations, but what if we shift outside the apartment and a lightsaber fight was happening in the lower levels of the planet between Ahsoka Tano and…wait for it…Starkiller himself. This would be an awesome way to make “The Force Unleashed” canon again and completely shake up the universe in a new way. Plus, the way Starkiller holds his sabers in reverse grip is just so freaking badass.
Just to hammer the point home, how ‘bout this: everyone loved the Darth Vader hallway scene in “Rogue One”, which also has Cassian Andor in it. So instead of snoozefest ISB meetings where fascist vultures choose exactly how to scar the galaxy and disrupt lives, we have scenes of Vader on Mustafar just swinging his way through armies of rebel fighters, with no dialogue whatsoever. That’s what this series has always been about!
With these changes and more, “Andor” can finally be great again. Politics of the empire? Imperialism? War? These things don’t really matter in the face of a sick-ass fight with laser swords. Hopefully, more lightsabers will improve your viewing experience of season two!
SILENT HILL — Notorious ghost town Silent Hill contained a fully operational location of popular burger chain restaurant Red Robin, puzzled sources report.
“People tend to be surprised when they come across our establishment,” manager Todd Morgan said. “But I’ll tell you what’s not surprising: the consistent quality and competitive prices they get the second they walk in. This is a place that offers not just a great meal, but a complete experience that goes far beyond thick, juicy burgers and delicious fries. There’s a reason we’ve always got a full house here, and it’s not just because the Happy Burger closed after its owner was devoured by a Lying Figure.”
Silent Hill visitor James Sunderland was not expecting to see an active Red Robin in his journey through the town.
“Yeah, I really didn’t think I’d come upon a Red Robin,” Sunderland admitted. “I’ve got to admit, though, that I was happy that I did. It’s hungry work being plagued by living manifestations of my own guilt as I’m searching for my deceased wife, and it felt really good to relax and order a Jalapeño Heatwave Burger and a Mango Passion Lemonade. I’ve been feeling pretty down ever since this lady Maria I just met was killed by a jacked monster with a huge knife, so this is just the boost I need before I go back out there and get tortured by my own demons again.”
Economist Ernesto Wiggum weighed in on the situation.
“This is the least surprising thing I’ve heard all day,” Wiggum offered. “American corporations are the most craven institutions on the planet, so of course they’re not above opening locations in gutted communities from horror games. Have you not seen the Subway in Raccoon City? Or the Dollar General in the Boston QZ in The Last of Us? Horrifying towns where we’re haunted by bloodthirsty monsters used to at least be a reprieve from the capitalistic hell we all occupy, but unfortunately that’s no longer the case.”
At press time, Red Robin was offering endless fries to all Bubble Head Nurses to thank them for their service.
