Mattsaincome, Author at Hard Drive

10 Year Old Choosing First Pokémon Trampled by Middle-Aged Scalpers

Posted on May 30, 2025 by Garry Kerls

LITTLEROOT TOWN — A local child has been hospitalized after his special day was ruined by a swarm of middle-age Pokémon resellers lunging for the last 3 starters in town, our sources confirm.

“I was ready to enter into the wonderful world of Pokémon, but all that changed when the scalpers got in,” said Youngster Joey from the mouth hole of his full body cast. “Professor Birch warned me they’d be lurking in the tall grass, I never expected them to walk right through the front door.”

The incident, originally intended to be a private viewing, was instigated after word spread across the region about the presence of three exclusive shiny Pokémon—Mudkip, Treecko, and Torchic—in Littleroot Town.

“I was gonna give the kid a Pokémon, I really was, but when those scalpers got in and started outbidding each other… I couldn’t pass up some extra funds for my research,” said Birch, the Littleroot Lab Professor, as he polished his brand new PC. “It’s a shame what happened to that kid though, I guess 10 years old is too young for a magical world of Pokémon.”

Youngster Joey’s Mom, who was right next door when it happened, has called on local law enforcement to hold the money-hungry collectors accountable.

“They’re monsters, every last one of them,” she said to local reporters outside the hospital. “I hadn’t even given him his running shoes, I can’t help but think if I had he would’ve been able to get out of the way in time before he got Mufasa’d.”

Both law enforcement and the FCC have taken notice of the recent uptick in tramplings across the country, all being linked to exclusive Pokémon. Poké Mart has already limited the number of value-sized Pokémon boxes to two per customer, but that hasn’t stopped scalpers in the secondary from upselling anybody who wants to enter into the hobby.

At press time, the Pokémon Youngster Joey did end up receiving has been sent back from grading as a PSA 4 due to visible damage and stress.

GameStop Introduces “Pre-Pre-Order” Program for Titles that Only Exist in Concept Art

Posted on May 30, 2025 by Jacob Albrecht

GRAPEVINE, Texas — GameStop has officially opened new “Pre-Pre-Orders” for games that exist only in concept art, a spokesperson for the company confirmed.

“For years, we here at GameStop have been looking for new and innovative ways to get money out of our customers’ pockets, and into ours, as soon as possible”, said Sheila Vernick, GameStop’s head of sales. “In the video game industry today, there is often a multi-year window between when gamers see that first-look concept art for a new title, and when they can actually give us their money for that game, and we just want to relieve them of that burden as early on in the process as we can.”

Loyal GameStop customers were quick to share their excitement for the exclusive new program.

“It’s just nice to be able to lock in my interest in these games as early as possible”, said GameStop Pro Member Skyler Patterson. “I saw some concept art on a Blender forum for a no-budget open-world action-adventure puzzle shooter. It only had three views, but it looked great, so I went straight to GameStop and they let me pre-pre-order the game for eighty bucks. And in thirty-five years–or possibly never–when that game is finally released, I’m going to be one of the first to play.”

An anonymous local GameStop employee was happy to share with us an insider look on how this program operates store-to-store.

“Yeah there’s not really like a guide or anything that tells us how to price the pre-pre-orders, so I kind of wing it”, claimed the employee. “Usually people just come in and show me some stick figure drawing of Master Chief or a shitty 3D rendering of some knockoff Pikmin game they want to pre-pre-order, and I just use a random number generator to come up with the price. Corporate doesn’t really care as long as they’re giving us money.”

At press time, pre-pre-orders for Grand Theft Auto: Beantown have already sold out.

Spidey Sense Fails To Detect Pyramid Scheme

Posted on May 29, 2025 by Nick Coffman

NEW YORK — The once amazing Spider-Man has reportedly started moonlighting as a salesman for multi-level marketing company and creator of Cutco Knives, Cutco Corporation.

Residents all over New York were shocked to find the web crawler knocking on their doors last week offering them a chance to sell knives with their very own starter kit.

“Freaking Spider-Man, at my door? It was a dream come true, and then the knives came out,” said Thomas Sterling, a New Yorker still trying to dissect his encounter with the web head. “No way his spider sense didn’t pick up on that scam. Someone must’ve scrambled his brains or something. Maybe the Green Goblin or that fish bowl guy erased his common sense or something.’

Daily Bugle Editor-in-Chief, J. Jonah Jameson is not surprised at all by Spider-Man’s new business ventures.

“Of course Spider-Man is an MLM Hun,” Jameson said before shouting at Bugle photographers and demanding photos of Spider-Man selling knives. “He’s probably also selling Mary Kay and Pampered Chef. His downline is probably filled with a who’s who of masked villains and human traffickers. He’s in cahoots with them all. As far as I’m concerned, if you buy a knife from that menace you should be tossed in the pen with him and all his masked buddies.”

During our investigation we caught up with Spider-Man to ask him about these allegations and why he’s found himself in the middle of a pyramid scheme.

“It’s not a pyramid scheme, you wise guy,” Spider-Man said before jumping off the wall and pulling out a pamphlet. “You see a set of knives, I see an opportunity for us all to rise up financially and be independent businessmen. Aren’t you tired of chasing the dollar? Don’t you want to be your own boss and cut your corporate shackles? You can, all you need is this Cutco sales starter kit, and it just so happens I can sell you one. Normal price is $1000, but since I like you, I’ll sell you this one for $500. So what do you say?”

At press time, Spider-Man had successfully added me to his growing downline which already included The Sinister Six, Venom, and Kraven The Hunter.

10) Joel

Okay, so what do you do when you lose your daughter to mushroom zombies? You kill everyone, get yourself a replacement daughter, and end up getting killed trying to save her. Even though, on some level, you’re really trying to save the daughter you lost. Kinda fucked up? Yup. If Joel had gone to therapy immediately when the apocalypse started or even a few days before, maybe all that bloodshed could’ve been avoided.

9) Arthur Morgan

Hate to break it to you, but… there were probably healthier ways to make a living at the turn of the century than robbing banks. With a little therapy, the whole gang might’ve picked up some solid cognitive tools for emotional regulation and, you know, basic life management.

8) Stardew Valley Player

At first, it sounds like a dream. You inherit a little patch of land and become a farmer. How wholesome. Except… it’s not. Ever heard of OCD? With the right meds and some solid psychotherapy, you might finally be free from your compulsive need to plant seeds every single day.

7) Henry (Firewatch)

Ahh, breakups. The ultimate way to derail a somewhat balanced life. When you get out of a long-term relationship, the last thing you should do is run off to sit in a tower in the middle of nowhere watching for potential forest fires. Why are you trying to escape your problems when you should be facing them? Even the worst armchair therapist can tell you’re not okay.

6) Doom Guy

You’re on Mars and the gates of Hell have opened. There’s apparently no choice but to blast demons apart with a shotgun and a chainsaw. Sounds thrilling? If you said yes, you’re probably a trauma-ridden man possessed by toxic masculinity. I have news for you: there is no hellspawn living on Mars. There’s only you, antidepressants, and therapy.

5) Isaac Clarke

I get it, mining is tough work. You feel like you’re stuck in a hamster wheel with no way out. The mortgage is crushing you, the kids are screaming, and yeah, the deformed monsters in the corridors trying to rip your guts out aren’t helping. Maybe it’s time to walk into a doctor’s office and get that sick leave certificate? Wake up man! You’re not on some space station mining and fighting abominations. You’re Steve from Portland, and your inner life is a hollow black void.

4) Stanley

When it comes to hamster-wheel jobs, office work isn’t exactly an upgrade. The moment you start hearing a voice in your head that’s not yours and you can’t control it, it’s time to call emergency services immediately. Think of it this way: good mental health is the one ending no Stanley Parable player has ever found, but everyone secretly wants.

3) Link

Of course there’s a princess you have to save. That much is obvious. But what if you just… took off those green elf pajamas your mom probably made, put the wooden sword down on the floor, and calmly came with us? Everything’s going to be okay, there’s no danger here. Have you ever heard of electroconvulsive therapy?

2) Gordon Freeman

You think you’re finally free after taking down an entire occupying dictatorship with nothing but a crowbar. Maybe that feels like freedom for a moment. But the post-war trauma seeps into your dreams, and you wake up drenched in sweat, not knowing why. It’s time to put down the virtual crowbar and find real freedom within yourself. Only after therapy can you begin the path toward being a free man. Until then, you’re just Gordon.

Goat

Get help. Immediately.

Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning Review: Tom Please Send Me a Coconut Cake

Posted on May 28, 2025 by Matt Fresh

The final installment of the iconic Mission Impossible franchise, appropriately titled The Final Reckoning, is in theaters now. Is Ethan Hunt’s last hurrah a worthy send off? Yes. Fantastic movie, 5 stars, 10/10, perfect no notes. Cinema is saved again.

Now that the review is out of the way, let’s talk about serious business. Tom Cruise, please put me on the coconut cake list. I love cake. I love coconut. I’ve never had a coconut cake but I bet I would love it. I bet I would love it just as much as you love movies. I know you’re reading this so don’t ghost me. You love movies too much not to read every review to make sure you succeeded in giving the audience the best possible time at the movies. You did by the way. Bravo. All the stunts were worth it.

You want to know what the greatest stunt would be though? The one stunt that would define your legacy as the greatest man to ever be great at everything. It would be sending your famous coconut cake to a nobody online satire writer. Think about it. What rich famous person has ever gone out of their way to give a complete nobody their world famous cake just because they asked? The answer is none. You would be the first and you would be celebrated beyond belief. People would say, “Hey that Tom Cruise is so amazing. He hangs off of airplanes for our enjoyment and sends his famous coconut cake to random comedy writers on the internet just because they asked. What an incredible man.”

Receiving this coconut cake is the greatest honor anyone can receive. I am humble enough to admit that I do not deserve to be bestowed such a gift but I want it and I need it. We’re not so different, you and I. You love making movies and I love watching them. We are two sides of the same coin. You love running in movies and I love watching you run in movies. I am no athlete, I am a mere writer but I once won my 5th grade tack and field by using your running form. Surely that makes me worthy of at least being considered to be added to the cake list.

Everything you do, you do it for us, the audience and we appreciate it. At least I do. If there are a billion Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are a million Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are a thousand Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there are 100 Tom Cruise fans, I am one of them. If there is one Tom Cruise fan, it is me. If there are no Tom Cruise fans, it is because I am dead but I know deep in my heart you would never let me die. The Final Reckoning hammers home the fact that Ethan Hunt never let us down. I know you never let us down either Tom. Don’t start now. Put me on that cake list.

Overall, The Final Reckoning is an excellent action film and a fitting send off to an iconic franchise and to America’s greatest action hero. Don’t walk to see it, run. Run like Tom is no doubt running to add me to the coconut cake list. Seriously, please Tom, it’s all I want. I’ll even listen to a Scientology pitch if you want to give me one. Just please send me that cake.

Mission: Impossible – The Final Reckoning: ★★★★★

My Odds of Getting a Coconut Cake From Tom: ★★★★★★★★★★

Here Are the Top 5 Dogs You Heartlessly Slaughtered in “The Last of Us Part II”

Posted on May 28, 2025 by Steve Packosky

Oh, you must think you’re pretty great, don’t you? The way you effortlessly played through “The Last of Us Part II” on Grounded mode in only 20 hours with your high-level combat, stealth and resource management skills. Your prowess with this game is certainly unmatched, and you’re the envy of all your friends. Well, we hate to burst your bubble, Mr. Big Shot, but you left a pretty wide trail of misery in your wake, and we’d be remiss to not call your attention to it, lest you find yourself able to sleep undisturbed tonight. As such, here are the top 5 dogs you heartlessly slaughtered during your playthrough.

Bella (Age 3)

This adorable girl loved to go on walks around her home stadium, play fetch with anyone who happened to be around her when she had her favorite tennis ball, and beg sweetly for a piece of jerky when her master Jayla would stop for a quick bite. She had the cutest eyes and gave her humans the most trusting, loving looks as they rubbed her belly (which Jayla hilariously referred to as “paying the toll” for having caught Bella’s attention.) That all came to a pretty abrupt halt, however, when you blew her head completely off with your pump shotgun while she was weeping over Jayla’s arrow-ridden corpse outside of an abandoned coffee shop. Great job with that. We’re all sooooo proud of you.

Crusher (Age 2.5)

Crusher was given his name ironically because he was such an unbelievable sweetheart. He had never even killed any Scars, and was taken out on patrol with the Washington Liberation Front (WLF) solely for his tracking capabilities. He almost certainly would not have killed you, either, and likely would have just barked to alert his humans of your presence. That didn’t matter to you, though, as you sneaked up behind him in the tall grass and jammed your knife into his neck. Did it, you callous ghoul? The worst thing is that you managed to escape that general area undetected, leaving Crusher’s corpse out in the open for his owner Karl to discover. Karl hasn’t been the same since, just so you know. Not like you’d care or anything.

Reggie (Age 5)

A molotov cocktail? Really? What the fuck is wrong with you? There was an old boxcar right behind you that you could’ve easily climbed to evade Reggie. Not only were your actions despicable, they were also wasteful. You know what? We’re starting to second-guess all that praise we heaped onto your video game playing in the introduction to this article. You’re as inept as you are cruel. Oh, and Reggie once saved a little girl’s life by barking to get her parents’ attention while she was choking on a pretzel. Have you ever done anything that noble and selfless? Of course you haven’t. You’re just a killing machine. Death follows you everywhere you go. That may be your gift, but it is also your curse.

Chuckie (Age 5)

Oh, you’re gonna LOVE this: Chuckie had a brother named Bucky who was back in the WLF headquarters the day you pumped Chuckie full of bullets from your silenced submachine gun, and guess what? Bucky died of sadness a week later after his brother failed to return from patrol. It was just like the end of that book “Where the Red Fern Grows,” which you probably delighted in reading as a child, you depraved monster. Tears are raining down on our keyboard as we type this, and what are you doing? Probably relaxing in your den with a self-satisfied smirk plastered on your loathsome face. You will be held accountable for your actions one day. We promise you that.

Stella (Age 8)

Three days. That’s how many days Stella had left until retirement. Three. Days. Her owner Jerry had already prepared a special cake made of peanut butter and pumpkin for the special occasion. Looks like Stella won’t get her cake, or the well-earned relaxation and time with her humans during her remaining years. What did she get instead? Care to answer? That’s right, she got a bullet to the head from your bolt-action rifle. At least it killed her instantly, so we can thank you for that. How very considerate of you. While on that thought, we guess we can thank you for killing Jerry, too, because he most assuredly would not have been able to go on without his best friend. It seems you’re nothing if not a completionist.

There you have it. We know trying to make you feel bad was an exercise in futility, because you would need to be a human being in order for that to work. Stay tuned for our upcoming article on all the beautiful beasts you murdered in Shadow of the Colossus.

Report: Blue Prince House’s Airbnb Checkout Requirements Unreasonable

Posted on May 27, 2025 by Jack H.

REDDINGTON, Fenn Aries — Guests of the historic Mt. Holly Eansion vented their frustrations about their stays after it was recently converted into an Airbnb rental property.

“Beautiful house, but there is a lot of bullshit that comes with it. I would recommend getting a hotel if you plan on visiting Reddington,” said Jeff Pasta in a two star review of his stay. “I have no idea why they charge me a $250 cleaning fee when I am the one taking the garbage to curb. It costs even more than that when you factor in the money and several precious gems it costs to make it to the curb in the first place. They made us replace the gems for the parlor games, reset the observatory, put chemicals in the poo—that we weren’t allowed to use— and restock the storeroom. Don’t even get me started on the boiler room.”

Simon P. Jones, the host of the Airbnb, defended his checkout policy.

“I have been coming to Mt. Holly since I was a young boy,” said Jones. “I know exactly why this place is special. Once I reached the 46th room to inherit this place from my great uncle Herbert, I knew I needed to share this place with the public. All I ask for in exchange from the public is roughly $1450 a night before fees and sales tax and to help set up the house for the next guest.”

Jones, who after spending roughly seven years attempting to gain the inheritance, immediately terminated 90% of the manor’s staff in a cost cutting measure.

“This house is very special and a paid cleaning crew won’t put the love and care necessary to continue to make this place what it is,” Jones explained. “My attorney has advised me not to comment further, as I am facing ongoing litigation regarding alleged wrongful termination complaints. I’m starting to worry that I didn’t plan this perfectly from the very beginning.”

Jones then stated if people were unhappy with his house’s policies, they could stay at the Resident Evil house with its undead dogs and ceilings that crush people.

Experts Warn America Will Need Restart Before Any Potential Updates Can Take Effect

Posted on May 27, 2025 by Steve Packosky

WASHINGTON — Experts warned that any meaningful update to America’s social and political institutions will require the country’s complete restart in order to take effect, distressed sources report.

“This is one of the most corrupted cases I’ve ever seen,” political scientist Javier Vasquez observed. “Normally, I’d recommend updating this system through the normal political processes, but with an entire party kowtowed to the whims of a despotic leader elected by billionaires and a powerful disinformation campaign, a citizenry so heavily fractured by social media, and public health threats brought on and exacerbated by federal cuts to crucial scientific programs, they’d be completely useless without a total restart to the country. Anyone can see this is the only feasible option we have in front of us.”

Sociologist Pamela Ng agreed with Vasquez’s takeaway.

“It’s an extreme step, but it’s absolutely necessary,” Ng concurred. “The top one percent of the population holds almost a third of the nation’s wealth, yet half the country is convinced immigrants and members of the LGBTQ+ community are to blame for all of society’s ills. A significant portion won’t even accept election results if they don’t favor their candidate, so while we can attempt to update the system through conventional means, it’s almost guaranteed to not work unless we give the whole thing a reboot.”

American resident Paul Templeton reacted to the experts’ findings.

“It’s tough to hear, but it makes total sense,” Templeton said. “I can barely afford groceries even though I work full-time as an engineer, and the prospect of owning a house isn’t even in consideration with all the school loan debt I have. I hate all of my neighbors and most of my family because of the stuff they like and post on Facebook, and I’m constantly one medical emergency away from complete financial ruin. It’s pretty clear that things are only going to get significantly worse for the working class going forward, so I’m thinking the restart is absolutely necessary.”

At press time, it was discovered that the federal employees who would have spearheaded the American restart had been fired by DOGE.

Panicked GTA VI Developers Realize They’ve Just Remade “The Simpsons: Hit & Run”

Posted on May 26, 2025 by Steve Packosky

NEW YORK — Grand Theft Auto VI developers at Rockstar Games panicked when they realized the game they had been working on for years was just a remake of 2003 action-adventure game The Simpsons: Hit & Run, sources report.

“How did we let this happen?” Developer Garrett Porter wailed. “We’ve each been so deep in the weeds that there was no way to see that we’ve just been holistically recreating a Simpsons game that’s over 20 years old. My team only focused on steering mechanics, so I’ve never even caught a glimpse of what the game looks like until now. When I saw the player character on a mission to collect cardboard tubes for Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel, I knew we had a problem on our hands. The game is scheduled to come out in less than a year at this point, so we’re just going to have to go through with this and hope nobody notices.”

Gamer Selena Morris reacted to the news.

“Oh wow, I was wondering why I haven’t seen any gameplay footage yet,” Morris said. “I guess there should have been more communication between people writing the story and the actual developers. It’s just crazy that they’ve been working on the game for years and they’ve only just now realized this. I was really looking forward to GTA VI, but now I guess what they’re working on will have to do. It’s been a long time since I played The Simpsons: Hit & Run, so I guess it’ll be cool to revisit it.”

Video game expert Darnell Johnson provided his insight on the ordeal.

“This is what happens when games are this ridiculously in-depth,” Johnson provided. “The developers are so siloed in their respective specialties that there’s no real oversight on how the game is progressing overall. I would have said there should have been a greater focus on management, but honestly, somebody should have noticed something was awry when Dan Castellaneta was brought in to voice the main character.”

At press time, the developers also noticed that every GTA VI radio station was playing the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater soundtrack.

DEA Busts Cartel Attempting to Smuggle Nintendo Switches

Posted on May 26, 2025 by Amity Gilmour

EL PASO, Texas — The console wars entered their next stage earlier today as the Drug Enforcement Agency announced it had busted a cartel attempting to smuggle Nintendo Switches into the United States.

“Americans can sleep easy tonight,” said ASAC John Balls. “Thanks to the efforts of our brave operatives, we’ve put an end to one of the most lucrative, evil enterprises ever conceived. No, I’m not talking about privatized healthcare. I’m talking about some two-bit gang trying to dodge import tariffs on Japanese gaming consoles.”

The raid had taken place in a warehouse at the United States/Mexico border, resulting in several DEA casualties and an estimated $29 million in property damage.

“It was a brutal fight, but we pulled through,” John Balls continued while showing photos of several bloodied Nintendo Switch 2 boxes. “Those Yakuza types thought they could get around paying this president? I don’t think so. Turns out the DEA does what Nintendidn’t. Show blind loyalty to a fascist regime.”

Reactions to the raid have been mixed, with current polling suggesting a 87/13 split in favor of criticizing the DEA’s actions. Some American citizens were approached for comment.

“Thank the lord,” said Tammy Janesbeer. “I don’t want to live in a world where my child gets their hands on a tariff-free gaming console. Who knows what kind of woke, satan-ass content they’d load that thing up with?”

With the prospect of violent gangs threatening the youth of America, Nintendo was quick to address the situation.

“That wasn’t a smuggling operation!” Doug Bowser exclaimed in a terse phone interview, “They shot up a delivery truck containing Nintendo Switch 2 pre-orders! They blew up one of our fulfillment centers! We paid those tariffs! What in the ever-loving Lava Land hell is going on over there!?”

At press time, the DEA announced they’d be teaming up with ICE to steal consoles directly from American citizens.