JD Vance Disappointed to Learn Presidential Cabinet Is Just a Bunch of People

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — In the wake of a historic Presidential race, Vice President elect JD Vance was eager to get into the White House and get to work, however that eagerness turned to disappointment when he learned the Presidential Cabinet is not an elegantly designed piece of furniture, sources close to him have confirmed.

“When I told him it’s actually an advisory board composed of executive department heads, I could see the light go out in his eyes,” says Susie Wiles, Trump’s newly selected Chief of Staff. “It’s like I told him Santa Claus isn’t real, you’d think an elected Senator would know that.”

As the Trump/Vance campaign headed into November, JD Vance’s fascination with the White House interior grew exponentially.

“I’m under the assumption that I will be the one sitting in the Oval Office when President Trump is out golfing,” Vance said at a truck driver luncheon last week in Reading, Pennsylvania. “It’ll just be me in there. Me in the most elegantly furnished room this great country has to offer.”

Since the election results, Republicans have gone back on former promises made. Project 2025 appears to be Trump’s policy moving forward, and the once thought to be ridiculous claims of furniture fornication hurled at Senator Vance may be true as well.

“I believe now that Trump has won we can say, yes there was evidence of Senator Vance having a relationship with his couch,” Speaker Mike Johnson admitted to our sources. “We knew before Trump selected him as his running mate. The decision was mostly made because Vance and Pence are only two letters off from each other, so 2020 merch was easy to edit.”

Sources close to the President have confirmed that Vance’s allegiance was bought by Trump with several Pottery Barn gift cards.

“When the time comes, and it will come, everybody says it’s gonna come, it came last time and it’s gonna come again,” Trump told the press regarding the January 6th insurrection. “When that time comes to barricade ourselves in the White House I know JD will have intimate and crucial knowledge.”

At press time, the White House daily itinerary has allotted Vice President Vance 15 minutes alone in the Oval Office for “JD Time.”

Remembering Geppetto, the Mario Brother Who Went Into HVAC Engineering and Died of Turtle Pox at 27

Posted on by Peter Cunis

BROOKLYN, N.Y. — Today marks thirty-nine years since the passing of Gepetto Margioni, the oft-forgotten older brother of Mario (born Mario Margioni) and Luigi (born Louis Margioni). Gepetto may not have pursued the plumbing life that brought success and renown to his younger brothers, but the family still holds him in his hearts to this day.

”What you have to understand is that when the family first came to the Mushroom Kingdom from Italy, Gepetto was already seventeen — practically an adult,” recounted Luigi (speaking through an interpreter) in an interview with the New York Times, “Mario and I were still infants, and our parents were struggling to make ends meet. Gepetto didn’t go to school. He went to work. Adventures and plumbing were not options for him.”

Shortly after the family arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom, Gepetto found work in the mailroom of an engineering firm. His strong work ethic caught the eye of management, and he began shadowing the HVAC department. Over the years, he developed the skills necessary to pass his HVAC certification exam, despite not having graduated high school.

“If it wasn’t for Gepetto, Mario and I could not have pursued our plumbing dreams,” said Luigi in the same piece, “His philosophy was ‘Only take what you earn’. Many poor families in our situation would just break open blocks looking for gold coins, but Gepetto refused to take money from anything except work. And in the end, he was able to support the family and more. His income allowed us to take a risk on plumbing.”

Tragically, Gepetto would not live to see his brothers reach the height of their success.

“Like many young adult immigrants, Gepetto had the drive and determination to make a life in the new country, but he never let go of the fear and paranoia that comes from coming into a new world so abruptly,” explained Doctor Toad, Mario and Luigi’s grief counselor, “The turtle pox vaccine — especially in the 80s — was absolutely vital to survival in the Mushroom Kingdom, but Gepetto didn’t trust it. He firmly believed that the monarchy was using it to brainwash its subjects. And so, when he caught turtle pox at age twenty-seven, his fate was sealed.”

Gepetto Margioni is buried in Boo’s Boneyard Galaxy.

Velvet Room Conditions Criticized by Prisoner Rights Group

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

TOKYO — A bombshell report this week has exposed and criticized the practices employed by the “Velvet Room” private prison.

“It is time for this ruin to end,” Fools for Justice said in a press release. “For too long the Velvet Room has operated under the illusion of rehabilitation, as a means to save humanity from a terrible fate. In reality, they’re just the latest in a long line of for-profit prisons that place the CEO’s bottom line above basic human rights.”

The one-hundred and twenty page report alludes to various human rights violations committed by the Velvet Room. Among other things, it alludes to the use of executing prisoners via the electric chair, butchering prisoners in order to fuse them together in some kind of barbaric chimera-esque practice, and imprisoning teenagers without trial.

“For real!?” Ryuj Sakamoto, former track star and local delinquent, shared his thoughts with reporters. “It’s absolutely messed up what they’re doing there. A friend of mine claimed he’d been locked up there, but then again he also claimed he was banging his goth doctor, so who knows?”

Despite the extensive report provided, the Velvet Room has come out swinging, denying all allegations.

“This is a smear campaign designed to silence me,” said Igor, proprietor of the prison room. “My Velvet Room operates above and beyond what is demanded by law. Any allegations that I charge money for prisoners to execute one another are simply that: allegations, and I’ll lock up any trickster who continues to repeat them.”

At press time, prosecutor Sae Niijima announced she would be opening an investigation into Igor, albeit for crimes related to identity theft.

Sims 4 Update Restricts Pet Ownership for Unmarried Women

Posted on by Graham Morris

REDWOOD CITY, Calif — Today, EA Games and Maxis Studios introduced an update for their popular life simulator The Sims 4 that restricts unmarried, childless women sims from owning pets.

EA CEO Andrew Wilson addressed this update in a short press conference this morning.

“We pride ourselves in growing The Sims brand to adapt to the times, whether that means expanding our gender and sexuality options so all players can feel represented, or instituting restrictive social norms under a regressive government.”

This change comes in the wake of a number of comments from Vice-President Elect JD Vance criticizing the role “childless cat ladies” play in American society.

“Previously, The Sims represented a dangerous fantasy for many young women,” the upholstery enthusiast stated in an official press release, “in which they had a purpose beyond securing the existence of our people and a future for [our] children.”

The reaction to this latest update from The Sims community online has been split, with some disappointed in the stripping of their Sims’ basic rights, freedom and autonomy, and others expressing joy at seeing people they disagree with suffer.

On Reddit, dataminer “will_wrong” dug into the patch for hints at future content. “I found strings with the ‘proj2025’ label, some unused models for a ‘library_bonfire’ social event, and weirdly enough, the ability to ‘WooHoo’ household furniture.”

It is currently unclear how many of the updates will actually be carried out, and whether the current dev team has the ability to execute their plans. Many fans of The Sims expressed hope for “lazy devs” that spend most of their time complaining online instead of implementing changes.

“It’s disappointing to hear about these changes but luckily devs who believe in such doctrines have a history of doing literally anything except working on their game. So I have hope most of these things won’t end up in the game,” wrote user PoolNeighbor on Reddit.

At press time, Vance was last seen playing Hearts of Iron 3 with the Discord status “Fixing some mistakes.”

Local Film Lover Comes Out of the Criterion Closet

Posted on by Garry Kerls

KING OF PRUSSIA, Pa. — In a recent Letterboxd review of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis local movie lover, Todd Jacobs, bravely announced to the public that he is a cinephile.

“I think deep down I always knew,” Jacobs told sources outside of the Regal Cinemas IMAX and 4DX. “I knew someone in college who loved movies like this, we experimented with 123movies.com, it felt so right, you couldn’t find Mean Streets anywhere.”

While this is a big first step, Jacobs told anyone around the theater who would listen that there was still the obstacle of coming out to everyone that doesn’t follow him on Letterboxd.

“I don’t know how grandpa will react this Christmas when I tell him I put Ready Player One higher than Saving Private Ryan on my ‘Spielberg Films Ranked’ list.”

Letterboxd spokesperson Eliza Johnson, told reporters that this kind of coming out isn’t a rare thing on Letterboxd, and many use the app’s review feature to make all sorts of confessions feeling that they are in a safe space.

“It’s an honor that movie buffs use our platform to make such personal and public announcements,” she said in between listing her four most recently watched films. “We have seen a bump of these kinds of actualizations from the Megalopolis reviews, but nothing compares to the things people realized after watching Y tu mamá también.”

Both Letterboxd and Criterion’s recent social media surges have imprinted a new found appreciation for classic cinema on the younger generations. Perhaps the film industry can be resurrected by radicalized Zoomers who wear A24 t-shirts.

“It’s incredibly difficult to predict the industry’s future based on the habits of young people,” says Professor of Film Studies at Villanova, Hannah Topel. “These companies are constantly being dealt with contradicting information. One week Gen Z wants less sex depicted in film, and the next week they’re demanding more fuckable popcorn buckets.”

At press time, the cinephile community has come to the agreement that a Pulp Fiction poster will be the representational symbol for unabashed cinema lovers everywhere.

Top 10 Twin Peaks Episodes to Watch When the Date Can’t Get Any Worse

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

So, you finally built up the courage to ask out that cute co-worker and they—miraculously—said “yes.” Lucky bastard! But after a bit of lukewarm conversation over dinner where you realized the two of you don’t have much of anything in common, an awkward interaction with the waitress and a pretty silent walk back to your apartment, you’ve somehow convinced them to come upstairs for a drink and maybe an episode of a show you like. As you sit there looking for something to throw on, you’re thinking, “Man, could this be going any worse?” There comes a point where you just have to say “Fuck it, it’s not like they can like me any less, and we sure as hell aren’t having sex tonight.” In such a scenario, you might as well just fully send it and throw on an episode of David Lynch’s television masterpiece ‘Twin Peaks.’ Here are the top ten episodes to watch with your date: 

10. “The Last Evening”

If you really want to throw them right into the middle of the chaos with no prior warnings and show them what an interesting and nuanced taste in programming you have, the Season One finale is a prime choice. Jacoby has a heart attack, Leland Palmer suffocates Jacques, Agent Cooper gets shot, Hank shoots Leo, James is arrested for cocaine possession — man, that was some good TV! One of those episodes that’ll leave them going “what the absolute fuck is happening here?” Then you get to flex your media-literacy muscles a bit, leaving them impressed. Or even better, they’ll be so tuned out that you get the chance to redeem yourself with normal conversation again. Just hope they don’t notice the scene of Audrey and her dad at One Eyed Jacks. 

9. “Demons”

This Season Two episode introduces the best character in the whole series, deaf FBI agent Gordon Cole. Watching this one with your date means you’ll get to show them your incredible David Lynch impression, and if that doesn’t save the evening, I don’t know what will. At the end of the day, they’ll likely be so impressed that they’ll ask you for a second date at the very least. It’s also when the infamous phrase “fire walk with me” returns to the story via Gerard’s possession by MIKE, so that’s pretty cool if you want to turn them into a true Peaks-head through and through and get them into the subreddits. Maybe even mention the prequel movie for next time! 

8. “Dispute Between Brothers”

On the surface, this seems like a ‘nothing’ episode – and that’s the point. To the town of Twin Peaks, Laura’s murder is solved, Cooper is about to head out and leave Washington behind him forever when WHAM! He’s being suspended from the FBI, someone wants to plant cocaine on his car, and Major Briggs vanishes into thin air while on a camping trip with him. If your date hasn’t been paying attention up to this point, this episode will at least leave them intrigued and asking you questions about what’s going to happen next. At that point, all you have to do is put on a sly smirk, shrug, and say “I guess we’ll have to find out!” 

7. “Zen, or the Skill to Catch a Killer”

One of the earlier episodes of Season One, this is the first time we’re introduced to the concept of the Red Room/Black Lodge. In true Lynchian fashion, it sort of crops up out of nowhere in an otherwise not-so-surreal episode, and it’s so eerie and off-putting, so creepy in its presentation, with Cooper sitting next to the “dwarf” and Laura Palmer’s doppelganger, that one of two things might happen: either your date will say “you know, I had a fun time tonight, but it’s getting late…” at which point, you’re free to enjoy the rest of your evening as you see fit, or they’ll be pulling up the Wikipedia for Twin Peaks and reading articles about just what the hell the show is all about. At that point, you’ve got ‘em! 

6. “Traces to Nowhere”

This is the second episode of the entire show, so your date won’t really have missed out on much if they’ve never seen it before (besides, of course, the murder central to the entire plot.) She’ll get to witness Agent Cooper’s lovable personality and quirks, such as his passion for coffee, which may be a trait endearing enough to convince them to keep watching with you. The episode ends on a sour note, with the abusive Leo beating Shelly using a bar of soap in a tube sock. The scene is quite disturbing, but as an added bonus, you can shake your head from side to side in disapproval and say “Jesus Christ” as it unfolds to let your date know that you disagree with his actions on a deep ethical level and would never yourself participate in something so horrendous. 

5. “The Condemned Woman”

To break the awkward silence as you and your potential lover sip from a $10 bottle of red, you might say to them, “Hey, you wanna see something crazy?” If they’re game, that’s when you throw on “The Condemned Woman”, a certified Weirdo episode of Twin Peaks. Everything is fairly standard murder mystery procedural shit until the episode’s conclusion, when Cooper finds sawmill owner Josie Packard in a room at the Great Northern Hotel. There, she confesses to multiple murders, but before she can pull the trigger on herself, she goes limp, and Sheriff Harry Truman cradles her before they both disappear. Once they come back, Josie’s spirit is transported into the knob of a desk drawer, and she’s trapped. The episode just straight-up ends there, offering you and your date zero answers (in classic Twin Peaks fashion.) After that, you’ll probably at least get a “Damn, that was crazy!” out of them. 

4. “Cooper’s Dreams”

Hoo boy. So there you are, on the couch watching Twin Peaks, wondering whether or not you should make a move on the person sitting next to you as the final nail in the coffin after an already-horrible night. Well, what better way to get them in the mood than with an episode that ends with Audrey in Cooper’s bed, trying to seduce him? You could even turn to them and raise your eyebrow suggestively as Cooper returns to his room. “Wait, wait, isn’t she a minor?” your date will then ask. To which you will inevitably reply “Ah, shit, yeah. Forgot about that.” Maybe just turn the TV off and apologize for your earlier behavior. 

3. Literally any episode of “Twin Peaks: The Return”

Admit it: even you haven’t revisited “The Return” since it first came out in 2017. David Lynch can’t be bothered to write a normal story. He has to make it all weird and convoluted, set it 25 years after the original series, re-introduce characters from the first two seasons but with different names and in different settings (who is ‘Dougie Jones’? That’s Coop, god damnit!) The good news with this series is that neither of you will have any idea what’s going on, so you’ll be on the same page for the first time all night! You won’t be able to answer any of their questions, but that’s OK, because you’ll have some of your own, too. But best of all, you might get to hear Gordon Cole deliver his famous “What the hell??” What the hell indeed, Gordon. 

2. “Laura’s Secret Diary”

It’s time to get #political. In this Season Two episode, Lucy tells local deputy Andy that she had an affair with Dick Tremayne and that there’s a very real chance that their baby together might actually be his; Tremayne has offered her money in order for her to get an abortion. In the next episode, it’s revealed that Andy’s sperm count is higher than he thought it was, so there’s a chance the baby is actually his. This is the perfect time to turn to your date and ask them for their opinions on abortion in general. Depending on their response, you could kick them right out, and never have to see them again! Or, the two of you could bond over being on the same side of the aisle. It’s important to understand someone’s politics if you’re planning on seeing them in the long-term, and if there’s one thing Twin Peaks does, it’s bring people together. 

1. “Northwest Passage” AKA “Pilot” 

Picture this: you’ve completely run out of things to do and say to the person you’ve brought back to your place. You’re working up a sweat because you don’t have any board games or other cool things to hold them over, and you know there’s no chance of anything physical happening tonight. That’s when you pull out ol’ reliable: “Do you wanna start Twin Peaks?” “Oh yeah, I’ve heard of that show. Is it any good?” They’ll reply. Now it’s on. You boot up episode one (likely on an illegal site because who in their right mind has a Paramount+ subscription) and are whisked away to the fictional town in the Pacific Northwest. Immediately, the dulcet notes of that intro music on the bass guitar transport you to a different time and place. Now, the first 20 minutes or so are Laura’s body being discovered and everyone in town crying over her death. Maybe, just maybe, all of the mourning and grief will cause your date to shed a tear and cuddle up to you for comfort. A young, handsome Kyle MacLachlan enters the scene as Agent Dale Cooper, and is immediately charming, unearthing clues as soon as he arrives. You’re introduced to many aspects of the David Lynch Cinematic Universe, including all the men besides Coop and maybe Bobby being ugly as shit, while all of the women are inexplicably gorgeous. This is as enticing as it gets, ladies and gentlemen. Starting Twin Peaks with anyone is a sign of sustainable intimacy. You’re in it for the long haul now! 

Unlike Your Childish Nostalgia for Outdated Garbage, I Am Engaging in A Mature Reevaluation of an Overlooked Classic

Posted on by E. Alexander Zimmerman

As a child of the gaming line of Sony, house PlayStation, my childhood was rich with titles for the second generation console; a litany of incredible video-gaming experiences by which my young mind could be enthralled and engaged, rendering me a higher being than had I not encountered it. But the days that such thrills hit as hard as they did are long gone, instead we are left to sort through the memories of gaming titles to determine what was a truly fun experience.

There are some people whose experiences and childhood memories lead to them having embarrassingly incorrect memories of terrible games that have aged like absolute garbage. People will valorize the most redundant, obsolete nonsense on the entire planet while overlooking the truest gems of the era. You absolute fools, you imbeciles sing the praises of nonsense simulators like “Ratchet and Clank.” or “Sly Cooper”. 

Boo! Boo, I say! Move forth! Play a REAL video game. Cease hiding behind your conventional classics or your baby-themed busy-box platformers like Crash Bandicoot. Find a title that is worth the critical eye of an evolved intellectual.

Perhaps a diamond in the rough, my highest recommendation of a carefully curated classical library of PlayStation 2 titles: “Pirates of the Caribbean: The Legend of Jack Sparrow” (2006). I first encountered this game in such a phase that I was quite simply, a boy. I played it day in and day out, not quite able to afford a memory card and pushing as far as I could each day before being conquered by the supernatural forces that blocked your way. While the gameplay may be a bit clunky for the very best that 2024 has to offer (but was surely groundbreaking for its day), the aura of the game and its sense of primordial terror and absolute godhood, wreaking havoc over the impoverished masses as a pirate of legend. It even trades in the darkest fables with the undead, terracotta soldiers and all manners of horrors that challenge not just your skill with a controller, but your absolute sanity. 

It’s mixed-to-negative reviews on fraudulent hack meters like “MetaCritic” or some such nonsense are only a testament to the title’s genius. It has an energy that is reminiscent of the horrifying, eldritch horror of PlayStation 2018 favorite, “Bloodborne,” a title that is a spiritual sequel to the themes presented in this game. Truly, I think it is intellectually honest, if unpopular, to say that this is the genesis of the “Soulsborne” style video game. But they’d never admit it. 

While you fools jump form platform to platform and clap your hands like seals, I will be venturing through the dark mind palace of one of our culture’s most disturbed pirates. A journey into his mind is sure to yield horrors, the truth of which will irreparably alter the way you engage with movie-tie-in video games.

‘British Bake Off’ Canceled as Katamari Rolls Away with Tent, Judges, Contestants

Posted on by bee

BERKSHIRE, England — Channel 4 has announced the immediate cancellation of popular television program “The Great British Bake Off” following an on-set interruption by a massive sphere of trash. 

“After fourteen and a half wonderful seasons, it’s with heavy hearts that we finally say goodbye to the tent and everyone still inside,” wrote series producer Ian Crumm in a post on social media. “I wish them all the best, the show may have ended but this is just the start of their journey. I feel so privileged to have had the opportunity to work with these future stars, and am especially blessed to have been home with the flu during filming last weekend.” 

Celebrity baker and series judge Paul Hollywood discussed the cancellation during an interview while the ball rolled eastward.

“It took us all —————— by surprise. Prue —————— saw a tiny man —————— stealing muffins —————— but she chased —————— him out of the —————— tent. Later —————— during Technical —————— there was a loud —————— rumbling then —————— everything went —————— upside down. The —————— bakers are all —————— disappointed —————— but still friendly —————— cause it’s not like —————— they were going —————— to win anything —————— anyway.”

Charles Wright, board director of the Health and Safety Executive (HSE), condemned the broadcast company during a press conference Thursday. 

“Their cavalier attitude is unacceptable. Make no mistake: this was an avoidable tragedy,” said Wright. “We warn Bake Off every year that filming in cozy, scenic locations risks unnecessary exposure to the Prince of All Cosmos. This is larger than a cooking competition now. There will be investigations into Channel 4’s negligent contribution to the displacement of three nearby villages.“

At press time, the BBC suspended eight programs after learning the next mission starts in a police department.

Opinion: Sega Genesis Is Way Better Than Sega Phil Collins’ Solo Stuff

Posted on by Garry Kerls

While there’s no denying that his music dominated the charts with pop hits and adult contemporary bops, there is an argument to be made that Sega Genesis had a far greater impact on music and video games than Sega Phil Collins’ solo endeavors. 

In the early 1980s Sega Enterprises was on the top of their game, surpassing a company valuation of $200 million, and this is before the formation of the esteemed super-group, Sega Genesis. Composed of icons like Sega Anthony Phillips, Sega Peter Gabriel, and the ubiquitous Sega Phil Collins, the group churned out banger after banger like the Green Hill Zone Theme, and Land of Confusion.

It was truly a golden era, where 16-bit musical instrumentation met the pop-rock fusion of the 1980s. A period in time where you couldn’t turn on the radio without hearing the dulcet tones of Sega Genesis performing their iconic startup sound “Seeeeegaaaa.” The chorus of digital voices had more than an Invisible Touch on the listening generation. 

However the good times were not sustainable as the group, along with Sega Enterprises, entered the latter half of the 1990s. After both critical and commercial failures of projects like the Sega Saturn and the final studio album, Calling All Stations, the band decided to call it quits, followed soon after by the halting of console production in Japan. 

Bound and determined to stay in the limelight, Sega Phil Collins shed the video game namesake and continued releasing music as ‘Phil Collins.’ Leaning into the mainstream by producing the soundtracks for two Disney animated films – “Tarzan” and “Brother Bear” – the former Sega Genesis drummer solidified his reputation as a capitalistic corporate media sellout. 

Eventually, in 2017, the band reunited sans “Sega” for one final world tour. Another cash grab for Collins that at least resulted in a proper farewell for the rest of the group. And now, in 2024, the possibility of a second reunion is being rumored, Collins continues to bore audiences with hits like In The Air Tonight, a song that needlessly teases the audience towards a lackluster drum breakdown climax. 

I believe that Collins has etched his name into the footnotes of popular culture, while Genesis, like the first book of the bible, will live on in the hearts of music and video game lovers alike, for generations to come. 

40-Year-Old Gamer Hoping Photographing High School Students Not Integral to RPG’s Gameplay

Posted on by Corey Arbor

SACRAMENTO, Calif. — Local gamer Derek Robinson has become increasingly concerned while playing ‘Persona Non Grata: Heaven’s Light Hell’s Power,’ as the game’s tutorial seemed very focused on photographing the characters the game was going out of its way to remind him are meant to be high school students.

“You know, a lot of games have screenshotting or photography as a mechanic, I didn’t think anything of it. Then one of the girls started blushing the closer my lens got to her skirt’s hemline, and…I mean I know they’re drawings voiced by adults, but if someone saw me playing this, they could very easily get the wrong idea,” Robinson commented. “I really wish I didn’t check that box to send anonymized gameplay information to the developers. At least, I hope it’s anonymized.”

Head of Publishing for Atlast Studios, Akihiko Tanaka assured fans that there is nothing prurient or strange going on.

“We make games for people of all ages,” the 65-year old executive assured gamers, “and I can assure any fans: grown men taking photos of high school girls has a long, storied tradition! Why just yesterday, I took my camera up to—”

The call was abruptly cut off and the company declined to clarify further statements.

Gaming critic and sociology professor Anthony Nixon expounded on the blurry line that the game toes.

“Despite the teenage characters being drawn no different from the adult characters save for height,” remarked Nixon, “and dialog more reminiscent of college students, or early adults trying to recall what high school was like, the game nevertheless is set in a prestigious high school known as Kō Seiseki Kōkō Academia and the students seem to be a lot of the focus, despite the back of the box promising demonic entities and mystical adventures. There is one creative solution that gamers might try: just mentally age the characters to college, since they all talk about their futures in such absolute terms anyway. And maybe keep your door locked whenever you play it.”

At press time, Robinson stated that he had just purchased the recent “Silent Hill 2” remake, noting that it sounded like a meditative, peaceful experience with no objectionable content, whatsoever.