Ranking How Good These Cartoon Dogs Would Taste

Posted on by RJ Dralle

It has come to my attention that there have been rumors swirling about me and how I enjoy eating dogs. That is absolutely not true, and I am insulted that anyone would ever make such fraudulent claims about me. But while I adamantly deny ever trying to take even one bite out of man’s best friend, I do sometimes wonder what they would taste like. Haven’t you? Come on! You can’t tell me that when you turn on the television and see a cartoon dog pop up on screen, your mouth doesn’t immediately pool with saliva and make you want to run down to the local dog pound to do some grocery shopping! Just me? Well, I promise you that once you read my list of the most delicious-looking cartoon dogs, you’ll have a change of heart. Actually more like a change of stomach. 

10. Brian Griffin

He’s a little too left leaning for my taste. But then again, I do love roasting Dems. I’ll just make sure he’s a little extra crispy. 

9. Santa’s Little Helper

While Santa’s Little Helper might taste good, there isn’t much of him to make a full meal. Look at him! Poor dog is starving. Just like I would be if I had him for dinner. Maybe I’ll just have him as an app.

8. Blue

I don’t typically like working for my meals, but searching for Blue would be a hunt I’d love to do. I mean, look at her ears! That cartilage must be so chewy. Mmm! I would solve a thousand clues to get a bite of those.

7. Goofy

Is he actually a dog? Only one way to find out. 

6. CatDog

A two-for-one combo meal? Now that’s a deal, especially in this Biden economy. Once Trump is back in office, you’ll be able to finally eat your dogs and cats separately.

5. Pluto

Oh boy! Pluto would be a classic, comfort meal for me. Some would be grossed out by the fact that he plays with mice, but that doesn’t bother me. I like snacking on mice too. 

4. Scooby Doo

Whenever I get the munchies, I always want to have my own Scooby snack. Great Danes are supposed to be one of the more muscular dogs and mixed with a little fat from all the snacks he scarfed down, he would be re-he-he-he-really delicious! 

3. Clifford

87 tons of dog? Now that’s one epic food challenge. Move aside, Joey Chestnut. I’m the dog-eating king now. 

2. Snoopy

Adding him to the Halloween chili, you and your sibling pulling on each end of his wishbone during Thanksgiving, or carving into him on Christmas. It wouldn’t be the holidays without this tender treat on your plate.

1. Bluey

Now, this dog is an Australian delicacy your whole family would love to sit around the table for. Throughout my life, I have been fortunate enough to have tried kangaroo, koala and dingo. But I would do anything—ANYTHING—to have a taste of this gamey canine.

Breaking Games Changes “Secret Hitler” to “Straight-Up Hitler”

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

NETCONG, N.J. — Board game manufacturer Breaking Games and distributor Blackbox announced that they have changed the title of the popular social deduction party game “Secret Hitler” to “Straight-Up Hitler.” 

“We felt that this change will make the game more accurately reflect the times that we live in now,” said Breaking Games founder Shari Spiro in a statement. “Being current is very important to us. Back in 2016, it seemed like a lot of people might have secretly been Hitler, but now, in 2024, it looks like the masks are off and we have full-on Nazis walking around again. There are people flying swastikas in Columbus, Ohio, for Christ’s sake. So, yeah. ‘Straight-Up Hitler’ it is.” 

While Breaking Games and Blackbox ultimately decided on this change, it was also agreed upon by the board game’s designers, Max Temkin, Mike Boxleiter and Tommy Maranges, who have made some interesting changes to the core gameplay in order to reflect the game’s new title. 

“So what we’ve done is removed the Liberal faction from the game completely,” Temkin said. “Now everyone is a Fascist automatically, so it’s much easier to pass Fascist policies. We’ve kept the Liberal cards in, just in case you want to be an epic troll and totally try to disrupt the flow of things to absolutely no avail. You can give it the ol’ college try – just like real life! We’ve also updated the cutesy reptile designs for the fascists and Hitler. Now, whoever’s Hitler has a grainy photo of their hero Adolf to stare at for the whole time they’re playing.” 

While the move may have seemed controversial on the surface, a shocking amount of Americans are totally cool with this choice and have even embraced it, per multiple reports. 

“This is great news. I’ve been looking for a game that caters to me and my beliefs.” said local white guy Kevin Brewster. “Screw those dirty commies. It’s time to Make Germany Great Again! I’m excited to pick up Straight-Up Hitler and play it with my liberal friends. Oh man, they’re gonna be so pissed.” 

At press time, copies of the new and “improved” version of the game were seen being delivered to the doorsteps of each of president-elect Trump’s cabinet members.

Nintendo Sues You for Reading This Article

Posted on by Graham Morris

TOKYO — A court filing revealed that Nintendo Co., Ltd. is pursuing $30 million in damages for the act of reading an article about Nintendo’s legal endeavors on the gaming satire website Hard Drive, presenting this article as evidence for immediate relief.

“It was simply a matter of tracing the defendant’s IP-address, cross-referencing with local informants, and paying a team of private investigators to break into their house,” said Nintendo attorney Spencer Nelson. “After compiling all available evidence, we were able to establish beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant read the article ‘Nintendo Sues You for Reading This Article,’ and therefore we had basis to pursue this suit.”

Nintendo’s president Shuntaro Furukawa commented on accusations that the company’s legal team had been overzealous in their pursuit of fans for engaging in activities like emulation, game preservation, participation in unsanctioned “Super Smash Bros.” tournaments, and reading this article. 

“‘Oh no, Nintendo’s suing people! Oh no! They shouldn’t do that! Wahhh!’ Literally that’s what you sound like,” said Furukawa. “That’s what you sound like. But you’re still going to buy our reheated Pokémon game next year, aren’t you, huh? You little bitch. You’re gonna post a comment about how we are actively working against the preservation of games as an art form and then you’re gonna make a thread on Resetera speculating when we’re gonna announce the Switch 2. I’m gonna sue you for even asking me about this. And you’re gonna pay $90 for the next Zelda which runs on the equivalent of an iPhone 4s. Because it’ll be incredible. Suck my asshole.”

Your best friend spoke to Hard Drive about the pending case.

“I mean, is it even legal to sue someone for reading an article? That seems like a First Amendment thing, right?” said your best friend. “I can’t imagine that’s legal. But Nintendo has an incredible team, so they’ll probably win this one. Someone’s got to stop them, they can’t keep suing everyone who looks at them wrong. Anyways, do you think they’ll do a remake of ‘The Legend of Zelda: Oracle of Ages/Seasons’ in the style of ‘Link’s Awakening’? That would be sick, right?”

At press time you were last seen drinking heavily, looking at your bank account, and crying, before booting up “Animal Crossing: New Horizons.”

Gamers Vow to Boycott Civilization VII Unless They Can Play as Their Favorite German Leader

Posted on by bee

HELL — Alleged fans of the popular turn-based strategy game series “Civilization” have organized a campaign to boycott the next installment unless Adolph Hitler is added as a playable leader.

The movement started Friday when a new trailer for Civilization VII was posted by the @FiraxisGames account on X, the everything app, which received hundreds of replies and quote retweets containing the hashtag #FreeGermany.

“dont buy this cultural erasure  #FreeGermany GAMERS DESERVE BETTER!!! give us the real guy! they/thems are ruining my Civ by ignoring history and pandering to the irrelevant fake fans. Sid Meier is turning in his grave!! AND WHO THE FUCK IS BISMARCK?” asked verified user @Steven1488 to his thirty followers. 

A “Free Germany” petition on change.org amassed nearly 4000 signatures over the weekend, calling for support to modify the game’s roster: 

“Civilization is a cornerstone gaming franchise but it has been corrupted by woke activists who infiltrated the media industry. The trailer reveals their DEI agenda: there are dozens of ethnic leaders — this is intolerable, and we demand our own representation in a leader who wants to eradicate them all. And until we get our way, we the undersigned agree to not buy this game unless it reviews really well.” 

The petition was started by self-proclaimed game developer Eric “Bummz” Jones who explained his motivations in a podcast. 

“I had to do something! I couldn’t keep developing my own game, the sin of a historically inaccurate Civilization was too distracting. My backers understand how important this is and they’ve already waited a decade so won’t mind another hiatus while I focus on harassing real devs again.” Bummz’s VTube avatar later addressed criticisms from the livestream chat. “I’m not just chasing clout, I also want to punish minorities, too. And to make sure everyone knows we’re serious I will personally go to Kinko’s, print every petition signature, and send them to a very confused secretary.” 

At press time, Firaxis agreed to include Hitler as a leader as long as his players kill themselves when they lose. 

How to Ethically Jerk It to Caitlyn From Arcane Even Though She’s a Cop

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

If you’re anything like the Hard Drive staff, you’ve been eagerly awaiting the weekly episode drops for Arcane season 2 while simultaneously swearing to never touch League of Legends as long as you live. You also may be tempted to beat off to Caitlyn because let’s face it, she’s a standout in a sea of animated hotties. But a little something keeps pulling at your conscience–the fact that she’s a fucking cop.

Never fear. We here at Hard Drive have exactly the step-by-step guide to help you retain your presumed moral and political purity while getting to jerk off to a leggy dictator-in-waiting.

1. Begin with a Land Acknowledgement 

Take a moment to make it clear you understand the sociopolitical environment in which you’re about to bust a nut. There are plenty of land acknowledgement scripts out there, and we’re not going to provide one here, because it’s not our job to educate you. While you’re Googling for a script, be honest with yourself that you’re also going to have to Google the name of the tribe that was previously located on the lot in which your shitty apartment complex stands prior to being slaughtered, because there’s no way in hell you know off the top of your head.

2. Do a little mental gymnastics about her actual profession

Okay, so if you’ve been watching season 2, it’s kind of clear that she’s less of a “cop” and more of a “strategically installed monarch.” Is that better? Take a good long while to ponder if it’s better in the eyes of the highly judgemental public to furiously masturbate to an unelected proto-fascist than your standard police lady.

3. Decide that doesn’t matter and look for some anti-police stuff to repost on social media real quick

Abandon your previous train of thought and swipe out of the Pornhub tab with the worst SFM League porn you could find for a second. Open up Instagram and search for some cutesy infographics to repost about police brutality or something like that. Share 7-10 of these on your story in a row and hope that clears your conscience. Remember: the best activism can be done from the comfort of your own iPhone 16.

4. Say “ACAB” out loud five times like you’re summoning Betelgeuse

Pretty self-explanatory. You can do this step in the mirror if it makes you feel better about the rope you’re about to blast. 

5. Immediately forget you did all this once you start jerkin’ it in earnest

Oh, fuck, that’s the good shit right there–

Matt Gaetz Becomes First “GoldenEye 64” Character to Serve in Presidential Cabinet

Posted on by Ian Steffé

WASHINGTON D.C. — Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), also known as Civilian 2 from “GoldenEye 64,” has been appointed Attorney General in the Trump administration, making him the first character from the game to hold a U.S. Cabinet role. 

“Honestly, it’s shocking,” said one unnamed Russian GoldenEye guard. “I never thought Gaetz would make it out of the game, let alone into government. But, then again, it kinda makes sense. No matter how many times he runs into walls or gets shot, he just keeps going. That kind of durability is perfect for Washington.”

President Donald Trump, unsurprisingly, praised Gaetz’s “GoldenEye” pedigree as key to his selection.

 “I love the ‘GoldenEye’ series—just tremendous,” Trump said from Mar-a-Lago. “I considered Jaws, Oddjob, Baron Samedi, but Gaetz—he’s the guy. Our little idiot who just keeps moving. A lot of people are idiots but can be good people. And Matt really wants to show what an idiot with a head that big can do for our country. Have you seen his head? Just amazing.”

Meanwhile, “GoldenEye” director Mark Hollis expressed serious concerns about Gaetz’s new role.

“We never intended for Civilian 2 to become… this,” Hollis said, visibly distressed. “It all started with the ‘Big Head Mode’ Easter egg. Civilian 2 was already a mess, but when that oversized pixelated head showed up, it was haunting. Then it started showing signs of sentience. It began offering drugs to players it deemed ‘cool,’ and there were reports of it luring younger players into what seemed like a sex trafficking scheme. We thought the game’s decline would end that, but years later, we saw the same character running for office in Florida. And now, here he is, in a position of power. I have no idea what happens next.”

As of press time, President Trump continues to consider other controversial video game characters for Cabinet roles, including Pyramid Head from “Silent Hill” for Secretary of the Interior, Hitler’s Head in a jar from “Wolfenstein” in an advisory role, and Kirby for a role not yet determined.

Batman Ordered to Return to Office

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

GOTHAM CITY — The controversial vigilante known only as the Batman has been ordered to return to the office at least three days a week after a recent wave of mob-related violence rocked the city.

“Sure, I’d love to roll out of bed late and shuffle over to my desk in the next room,” said Gotham City Police Department lieutenant James Gordon. “We all would. But ask your boss how they feel about that arrangement. How can we be sure that Batman is even doing his work unless we can keep an eye on him? I mean, it sure seems like he’s checked out. Two of the city’s most prominent families have been completely slaughtered. I bet he’s not even wearing his full costume and only puts on the cowl for video calls.”

Batman was reacted indignantly to the GCPD’s demands.

“I’m just as able to do my work from the Batcave as I am from inside GCPD headquarters,” said the caped crusader. “Last time I was there, I literally had to fight my way out. Plus, it’s not set up properly for my workflow. Are they going to compensate me for all of the money I spent to be able to work from home? I had a fireman’s pole installed. No commute can compete with that, even if you’re driving the Batmobile.”

Sociologist and labor expert Denise Crowley commented on the reasons that law enforcement agencies often forbid heroes from working remotely.

“Sure, some of it is just from the natural managerial impulse to micro-manage and babysit,” said Crowley. “Frankly, that’s just survival instinct. If people can do their jobs from home, what are managers even for? Often, though, the restrictive return-to-office mandates are part of a scheme to reduce the workforce without having to pay severance—essentially a backdoor layoff. It’s surprising for this to happen to a hero as high-profile as Batman, but it’s a common tactic. Animal Man has been ‘ordered to return to the office’ about a dozen times.”

At press time, the GCPD issued a statement the Batman was free to fight crime in another city if he refused to obey their mandate.

Indiana Jones Game Sparks Outrage For Depiction of Violence Against Nazis

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

UPPSALA, Sweden — Sprog Hoeffler, avid gamer and founder of the group “Not All Nazis”, has taken umbrage with the way Nazis are being represented in the upcoming game “Indiana Jones and the Great Circle” from developer MachineGames. 

“Why is it that the people most concerned about representation and equality are the first ones to condemn someone just because they subscribe to a different worldview?” Hoeffler bemoaned on his blog, “Sieg Heil, Not Hate.” “Do I want to exterminate the Jews? Sure, who doesn’t? But that doesn’t make me a bad person. And what’s more American than exterminating an entire group of people? I say I’m more of a patriot than any of these so-called ‘wokies’ who depict all Nazis as genocidal freaks. Some of us just really like their economic policies. Is it my fault the only way to implement them is by eradicating groups of people based on stereotypes and eugenics? Grow up.”

Biff Whipplespit, who goes by the handle Skinheads4Change on X The Everything App, posited that the Nazi depiction is just another form of discrimination. 

“I’ve had it with the double standards these libs try to cram down our throats,” Whipplespit said. “When I make a joke about George Floyd it’s racist, but when they make GIFs of prominent fascists being bonked with hammers no one cares. And when I complain about it they just make more and more gifs of Nazis being bonked with hammers. They say love is love, but when I say that I love eradicating the Jews, Catholics, Blacks, Mexicans, the Chinese, and anyone who looks at me sideways they call me a bad person. Make it make sense.”

Nicole Devalder, a researcher who specializes in the study of fascist movements, offered her insight on the recent uptick in fascist whinging. 

“All these people have is their own perceived victimhood,” Devalder said. “Even when they win, they act as though they’ve lost and the enemy is at the gates, and when they’ve lost, no matter how emphatically or no matter how many people are deriding them and their worldview they declare victory. You have to be a special kind of brain damaged to abide by this philosophy. It’s truly remarkable.”

At press time a group of fascists had gathered on a X The Everything App space to hold a victory party following a mass exodus of users who found them too annoying to be around any longer.

Game Night: Outwit Your Demonic Lesbian Stalker in ‘Sorry We’re Closed’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

I want to call Sorry We’re Closed something like “survival romance.” It’s a game about what happens when love goes bad: losing it, wanting it for the wrong reasons, not liking the changes that have happened in its wake.

It’s easiest to describe SWC as another revival of old-school survival horror, but that’s somewhat reductive. As an overall experience, it’s a messy concept album, full of strange asides, shifts in tone, toxic relationships, (in)human disasters, awkward combat mechanics, and sudden moments of shocking gore. If Nicholas Winding Refn hasn’t played this yet, he probably should.

Michelle is a convenience-store clerk who’s still hopelessly in love with her ex-girlfriend. As a result, Michelle’s just going through the motions: work, eat, sleep, repeat. It doesn’t help that Michelle’s ex has scored a starring role in a locally popular soap opera, so everywhere Michelle looks, there she is.

Michelle’s loneliness draws the attention of a demon called the Duchess, who preys upon the lovesick. The next morning, Michelle wakes up cursed, with a magical Third Eye on her forehead. She’s been marked by the Duchess as her next target of obsession, and the Duchess will return in a few days to abduct Michelle. At that point, Michelle’s as good as dead.

The Third Eye lets Michelle see through illusions, which reveals that she’s always been surrounded by the supernatural. With the help of her best friend Robyn, who’s been a demon all along, Michelle tries to find a way to undo the curse, defeat the Duchess, and/or find a way to benefit from the situation.

Initially, Sorry We’re Closed comes off like a glam-rock spin on Silent Hill, or maybe Fatal Frame filtered through David Bowie’s Ziggy Stardust period. With Robyn in tow, you’re sent to explore several of the abandoned buildings that hold special significance to the occult underground of Michelle’s city. You’re quickly equipped with an axe, pistol, and shotgun, which you use to fend off the local demon population.

SWC is built around Michelle’s Third Eye, which you can activate at any time to reveal secrets or vulnerabilities in a short area around Michelle. This lets you get around obstacles, find hidden puzzle solutions, and transition between layers of reality. Whenever you get stuck, the answer is usually to take a second look with your Third Eye open.

The Third Eye also forms the core of SWC’s combat mechanics. You can shoot most demons from a distance to inflict small amounts of damage, but if you wait until they get close, you can activate the Third Eye to stun them and reveal their hearts. A successful shot to a demon’s heart inflicts significantly more damage, extends the stun, and sets up a combination attack that might kill them on the spot. When it works, it feels incredible; when it doesn’t, you’ve set yourself up to get your ass kicked.

That mechanic is why I nearly didn’t finish SWC. It’s a system that’s effectively built around high-risk, high-reward dueling, where Michelle’s at her best in one-on-one fights. You don’t have any good options to deal with multiple targets at once, but that’s most of what you fight for the latter two-thirds of the game. It’s a system that’s set up to give you a couple of major vulnerabilities, which the encounter design proceeds to exploit.

That kind of combat has always been a recipe for frustration. The single toughest fight in SWC is about halfway through the second zone, where you have to take on SWC’s version of the Resident Evil 4 cabin siege. If you can get through that, everything after it including the final boss is a comparative cakewalk.

That also marks the point at which SWC opens up. Once you get out of that zone, it breaks away from the “indie survival horror” mold and turns into something more like a violent queer rock opera. It’s colorful, well-written, and expansive, with an unsubtle but important message about love, relationships, and toxic cycles of behavior.

You can also opt to side with or backstab various characters and factions within the city, up to and including the decision to voluntarily join the Duchess. (In case you’re still down bad for Lady Dimitrescu, SWC has the medicine.) It’s got a ton of story options for you to explore, so while it’s not a long game, there’s plenty here to keep you occupied for multiple runs.

After beating the game, however, most of what I remember about Sorry We’re Closed is my frustration with its combat. It’s not conceptually flawed, but there’s a real mismatch between what it lets you do and what it asks you to do. It could use an overhaul before I gave the game an unqualified recommendation.

As it is, Sorry We’re Closed is ambitious as hell for a small team’s debut project. It’s a sprawling, bloody epic that saves most of its best visuals for its back half. There’s real skill and effort on display here, but the game’s artificial difficulty holds it back.

[Sorry We’re Closed, developed by a la mode games and published by Akupara Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $24.99. This review was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Akupara Games PR representative.]

Boston Man Can’t Wait to See “Wicked” Movie Everyone Talking About

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

BOSTON — Lifelong Southie resident and film enthusiast Bobby Smart can’t wait to see the new “Wicked” movie he’s heard everyone talking about so much recently, sources familiar with the matter confirm.

“This is friggin’ amazing,” Smart said in a statement. “I mean, no one’s even saying the full title of the movie! They’re just calling it ‘the wicked movie’- which I’m taking to mean as ‘wicked good’, obviously. The word’s an adverb, a lotta people forget that…but anyways, I don’t even wanna look it up and learn what it’s about. I’m picturing a gunfight or two, maybe some explosions, a climactic final battle…I’ll go into the theater completely blind to make sure I get the full experience.”

While he’s known around the neighborhood to be “pretty enthusiastic” and “sometimes a little too much”, Smart’s friends and neighbors haven’t seen him so excited for a movie in years, according to multiple reports.

“He’s been going on about it the whole damn week,” childhood friend Sam Nestor noted. “I feel like the last time he was this amped up to go to the movies was right before we went to see The Departed back in ‘06. But I don’t think he knows he’s in for a delightful adaptation of the beloved Stephen Schwartz musical starring Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande as Elphaba and Galinda, respectively. Boy, is he gonna be surprised. I can’t wait to see his reaction.”

Local AMC theater employee Martha Watson offered her thoughts on Smart’s recent behavior.

“Oh, that guy? Yeah, he comes in every so often to see a sports biopic or a Scorsese flick. I’m gonna be honest, I’m not so sure what’s got him so hyped about this one, it doesn’t seem like it’s in his wheelhouse at all.” Watson told reporters. “An origin story about the land of Oz and the Wicked Witch of the West?” After taking a pause to think, she continued: “Oh, wait a minute…he does use the word ‘wicked’ a lot. ‘That was wicked cool’…uh-oh. Is that what this is all about?”

At press time, Smart was seen exiting the theater after his showing of “Wicked” with a look of completely ambiguous shock on his face.