Thanksgiving Saved From Racist Tirade After Cousin Mentions Yellowstone

Posted on by Matt Fresh

CLEVELAND — The Clark family’s Thanksgiving dinner was rescued from a potential racist tirade by family patriarch Phillip after the Paramount series Yellowstone was brought up by cousin Jeffrey thereby diffusing the situation.

“It was really dicey there for a minute but cousin Jeffrey saved the day,” said Phillip’s daughter Samantha in an Instagram post. “I don’t even remember what we were talking about that caused the conversation to pivot to the election but I was ready for the whole day to be ruined as per usual. Thank god for cousin Jeffrey because before my dad could even get the word “illegals” out of his mouth, Jeff asked if anyone had caught up on Yellowstone. It’s like a switch flipped in all the older men of the family.”

Samantha’s brother Eric commented on his sister’s post to further praise Jeffrey’s brave actions.

“As soon as Grandpa shouted ‘those damn dems’ completely unprompted I was prepared for another classic Clark Thanksgiving of arguing and hatred. Uncle Pete started going on about America being made great again and I saw that look in Dad’s eye. We were seconds away from hearing the most racist diatribe of the year. Then BOOM, cousin Jeff brings up Yellowstone and that’s all that they would talk about. Dad, Grandpa and Uncle Pete went on about it for the rest of the night. It was like when you put a toy in front of a crying child.”

Cousin Jeffrey, the hero that he is, responded to the post with grace and humility.

“It was nothing really. The idea was actually given to me by a friend who told me that whenever their dad is about to go on a rant about something they bring up the show Reacher and it completely transfixes them. Like some sort of mental trigger. I see dad standing in front of the TV watching Yellowstone all the time so in the moment I just gave it a shot to see if bringing it up could reign them in.”

At press time, the young members of the Clark family have preemptively subscribed to Paramount+ to have Yellowstone playing on TV during Christmas.

Friends of Life is Strange Fan Fear the Worst After Seeing Him in Positive Emotional State

Posted on by Matt Fresh

CHICAGO — Local gamer Bill Clay, a noted fan of the Life is Strange series of games, has his friends fearing the worst after he’s reportedly been in a positive emotional state for several days, sources close to the situation have confirmed.

“He’s been really happy for the past few days and it has all of us worried,” said Clay’s friend John in a Bluesky post. “It’s just not like him at all so something must be really really wrong. He’s been happy before sure, but usually only on the day a Life is Strange game releases and it usually passes after an hour and he goes back to being dispirited. He’s been cheery for days, smiling, and talking about how good life is. He hasn’t solemnly muttered ‘Chloe’ once. It’s really sad to see your friend in such a dark place.”

Clay’s friends are used to him having brief bouts of happiness but after they noticed his positive emotional state had remained for days they requested a wellness check for him which they claimed was no help whatsoever.

“We called in a wellness check to help him but the cops told us he was fine and seemed normal and just left it at that.” posted Clay’s friend Holly. “It’s really bad. His playlist has completely shifted from melancholy indie folk to a pop mix. It’s so hard to see your friends like this and I would never wish it upon anyone. The Bill that we know and love is gloomy and always ready to be hurt again. He’s always talking about his memories of Arcadia Bay and grieving Rachel. But now he’s always chipper, he hasn’t wondered how Sean and Daniel are doing in days and when we uttered the phrase ‘partners in time’ he didn’t even tear up. It sucks to see your friend as a shell of who they were. We don’t know how much time he has left.”

The posts went viral among other Life is Strange fans who did their best to try and diagnose Bill so his friends can get him help before it’s too late.

“It sounds like he has Cheerful Delirium,” wrote user PriceField4Evr. “The same thing happened to me a couple years ago when I listened to ‘D.A.N.C.E.’ too many times in a row. It put me in a delirious state where I forgot about the bittersweet sadness of life. You need to bring his mind back before it’s too late but you have to ease him in. Show him a blue butterfly, take a polaroid picture, say ‘hella’ and he’ll snap back.”

At press time, Bill’s friends say that they’re hopeful he will make a full recovery after he broke down crying upon seeing a picture of Oregon.

All 1025 Pokémon Ranked By Which Ones I Can Remember

Posted on by Kate Danvers

Since the release of the original Japanese games Pocket Monsters Red and Pocket Monsters Green in 1996, Pokémon has become a worldwide phenomenon. Whether you’ve been with the series since the beginning or only picked up the latest entry, you may be surprised to learn there are 1025 different Pokémon. I’ve committed to ranking all of them the ones I remember, from worst to best.

1025. Ackshualee

Worst of the worst. The only moves it knows are retorts like “Technically, there are 1164 counting regional variants, mega evolutions, and gigantamax Pokémon!” and “Charmeleon actually evolves at level 36.”

1024. Rowlet

It knows what it did.

1023. Greymon

Just a lesser Charizard if we’re being real. It doesn’t even have wings, just a goofy helmet.

1022. Trubbish

Literal trash.

1021. Psyduck

Didn’t he have headaches or something? Misty yelled at him a lot. That was funny, I guess.

1020: Snock

One of the early gyms in Pokémon Red and Blue had one of these, I think. Rock snake, very cool. Lower on the list because of its weakness to paper.

…

Are there really 1025 of these things? I don’t even think I could list that many species of actual real life animals. Let’s skip ahead.

10. Whatever This Is

Funny hat, some kind of marble attack, comfortable and easy to wear shorts, and multiple evolutions. And to think some people say Pokémon is out of ideas. The name is on the tip of my tongue. I want to say it’s some kind of tanuki?

9. Pikachu

Pikachu may seem like an obvious choice, like listing Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time on a list of the best games ever. Yes, he was in the Pokémon cartoon for like a hundred years and is the mascot of the franchise, but I don’t think he lets it go to his head.

8. Weed Cat

Why didn’t we think to make weed jokes until this cat showed up? Adorable and it probably evolves into something neat. Hehehe, Weed Cat.

7. Toad

Some of you may think it’s cheating to put him on this list since he hasn’t been in any of the mainline games since Pokémon Snap, but he’s been there since the beginning and deserves respect.

6. Snorlax

Used as a literal roadblock in some games, Snorlax can be a great figurative roadblock for your opponents. Also, calling your dad “Snorlax” when he’s napping on the couch on a Sunday afternoon is a wicked burn.

5. Charizard

Speaking of wicked burns, what kid didn’t see Charizard on the cover of Pokémon Red back in 1998 and wanted to build a team with a dragon? Yeah, you had to level Charmander up to 46, but it was worth it just to drop a Flamethrower on an unsuspecting opponent. Teach that Bug Catcher not to bother me when I’m just trying to get to the next town.

4. Rathalos

Now this is how you do a Charizard ripoff. This was monster design at its peak. None of that cartoony dragon stuff. Why don’t more Pokémon look like this?

3. Squirtle

Squirtle is a great introduction to water types, starting with the simple Water Gun and later acquiring more powerful moves like…Firehose? Water Beam? Surf was a thing, I remember that.

2. Charmander

After you bought the game with the cool orange dragon on it, you realized you had to pick this thing to get to the dragon. At least it actually had fire attacks.

1. Bulbasaur

Why is Bulbasaur the best? Just look at this little guy! With great moves like Vine Whip and Leech Seed, Bulbasaur is sure to be the workhorse of any new player’s starting party. Until that counter picker Gary Oak cheats by using Charmander.

Red One Review: I Actually Watched a Different Dwayne Johnson Film

Posted on by Tyler Pehringer

Like all of you, I can’t get enough Dwayne Johnson. It’s always fun to go to the theater and see his range on the big screen. So when Red One was announced, I was excited. As the premier came closer, I was ready to preorder my ticket. However, a friend of mine gave me insane news. I could actually watch this movie in the comfort of my home right now. According to my friend they cancelled the theatrical release and sent it straight to Netflix.

After watching the full film from the comfort of my couch whilst browsing Instagram, I have to say I think my friend was confused. This film seemed very different from Red One. This was about a strong dude and a wisecracking sidekick who travel the world to find artifacts, not a strong dude and wisecracking sidekick who travel the world to find Santa. The wisecracking sidekick that makes 4th wall breaking jokes is played by Ryan Reynolds, not Chris Evans. And the different exotic green screen backgrounds they go to every 15 minutes of the film barely have any snow.

I mean sure, this film has multiple fight scenes where The Rock shows off his muscles like his other films. And it may share the same jokes as his other films, including Red One hopefully. Sure this film has a good guy team up with a bad guy to save the day like Red One. And sure, this film’s Rotten Tomatoes score is nearly identical to Red One’s. At least at the time of writing this. But this is completely different from Red One. There isn’t even a Christmas theme.

I would like to apologize to the Dwayne Johnson fans out there. I can’t believe I was tricked like this. I am sorry I couldn’t experience the uniqueness of Red One in time for publishing. That being said, I give Red Notice a 10/10.

“Not Enough Podcasts” and 0 Other Lessons the Democrats Learned From the Election

Posted on by Matt Fresh

In the weeks since the election, the Democrats have been scrambling to figure out just what went wrong. How did they, a party that supports a genocide, is tone deaf to the needs of the working class and is completely inept at their job, lose to a party who has all the same faults with the addition of thinking Hitler made some good points? Like any good political party who has the best interests of the people at their heart, they’ve spent every day since their loss looking inwards and deducing what led to their failure. And like any good political party who knows what they’re doing, they figured it out pretty quickly and are now taking everything they learned to prepare to change their party and country for the better. So here’s all the lessons that the Democrats learned from the election.

Not Enough Podcasts

This is the big one. If only the Dems had more podcasts, then they would have won and the United States would not be close to heading down the path of every other fallen empire throughout history. Podcasts are the key. There just isn’t enough of them, we need more. If there were just a few more podcasts with left-leaning hosts then all this could have been avoided. Trans people wouldn’t be fearing for their lives as what little rights they had are about to be stripped faster than Princess Rosalina in my dreams if only we had a few more white dudes with microphones discussing random topics for two hours. Supporting genocide is okay as long as you have a lot of podcasts to tell you how progressive it is and how it’s only slightly worse than what the other genocidal party will do. Inflation? Housing? Taxes? Climate change? None of that matters if you have podcasts. If only there were more podcasts, the Dems would have won.

Our Top Picks to Be the New Voice of Milhouse

Posted on by Hard Drive Staff

This past Sunday, the world witnessed voice actress Pamela Hayden’s final performance as Milhouse Van Houten. After thirty-five years of being the heart and soul of the beloved blue-haired dork, Hayden has decided to move on to other projects. While the show has retired characters permanently in the past, Hayden has stated her desire for the character to continue to appear on the series with a new actor. So who could possibly fill her shoes as Bart’s best friend and perennial loser, Milhouse? Read on to see who we would choose.

Chris Pratt

Just getting this one out of the way since it feels like the path our universe is taking.

Hank Azaria

Out of all the remaining cast, Hank’s the one who still has the juice. Plus, I would be shocked if there was a single character on the show that he couldn’t do. In fact, I’d be surprised to hear he hasn’t done a couple of quick Milhouse re-write lines in a pinch over the years.

Dave Bautista

He’s said he wants to expand his horizons as an actor. This would certainly be against type.

One of the “Kids” From “Stranger Things”

I don’t know, maybe the tall one? Or the new girl; she’d be good. Hopefully not the genocidal one.

AI

I’d rather they take a big swing here than slowly boil the frog by using AI for small parts. If they try it with Milhouse, people will be mad right away. That might slow the march of worthless AI slop as it inevitably takes over our culture and robs all human life of its meaning.

Patrick Mahomes

Sure, he can’t act at all, but he does have a cartoonish voice. Plus, once Nancy Cartwright decides to hang ‘em up, the show would immediately have an in with Travis Kelce. Hot take? The tight end would be a decent Bart.

A Parrot Who Has Seen the First Nine Seasons of “The Simpsons”

We’d get to hear all of our favorite lines, over and over, forever! If that’s going to be the future anyway, we may as well embrace it. Just make sure you make it stop watching after season nine.

Isaac Hayes

Okay, yeah, he’s been dead for a decade and a half. Still, this would be an incredible get for “The Simpsons.” It would really stick it to Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

Justin Roiland

Milhouse hopelessly pines after Lisa Simpson, which could provide a harmless outlet for Roiland’s problematic habit of flirting with minors.

Elon Musk

The dude really wants people to think he’s funny. Getting a role on the longest-running American sitcom might fill a void inside him and make him orders of magnitude less obnoxious. Yeah, I don’t want to lose Milhouse to Musk, but if it makes him shut up and stop destroying society for a little bit it’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

New Study Reveals Marvel Movies Just Video Games You Can’t Play

Posted on by Kyle Donley

GAITHERSBURG, Md. — Local GameStop employee Aaron Hubbard has been the subject of much controversy after publishing a groundbreaking study that takes aim at Hollywood’s most beloved subject matter.

“Yeah it was crazy. I was going over my calculations on my lunch break, taking small and large hits from the vape pen, you know, running different variables and whatnot, and kept getting the same result every time,” Hubbard recalls. “Like Marvel movies are dope obviously because everyone’s all flying around and blowing shit up. But that’s also the same reason video games are dope. But, like, I can play those. And when I brought people back into the break room and showed them a Marvel movie and equivalent video game side-by-side, they were twice as likely to fuck with the Marvel-equivalent video game, no matter how small or large of a rip they took from the vape pen.”

Jeremy Longwood, an employee at the nearby Panera Bread and colleague of Hubbard’s, concurred.

“I’ve been a longtime supporter of Marvel movies on account of all the shit that blows up and everyone doing flips and stuff,” said Longwood. “But viewed through the lens of Aaron’s research, you start to notice how Marvel movies just kind of happen. Like you actually have to sit there and watch them? I dunno. Seems kind of random now.”

World-renowned astrophysicist Hilke Harver-Magnussen took the trip from her state of the art lab in Austria to the suburban strip mall in Maryland to meet Hubbard firsthand. 

“Hubbard’s research is astounding. The average Marvel movie is made using Unreal Engine, a computer graphics 3D game engine. Their scenarios, plot, and sometimes even characters are identical to the video game paradigm. They both make an incredible amount of money. So what is the difference, I ask?” said Harver-Magnussen as she paused to take a 13 second rip off the vape pen. “You can, like, literally play video games!”

At press time, Hubbard announced that he had started research on a new study that endeavors to establish a link between some of Disney’s recent live-action films and animated films they’ve released in the past.

Magic Spell Conveniently in Conversational English

Posted on by Dan Katz

MILWAUKEE — A local witch considers herself fortunate that a magic spell was conveniently in conversational English when her 11-year-old son suffered what could have been a serious injury this past weekend.

“I was liking my friends’ Facebook posts when I heard a scream from the backyard,” explained Zaleria Bloodgood. “I ran out and saw my Edgar splayed out on the ground next to the trampoline, his left leg bent in the most unnatural of ways. It was one of the most gruesome things I have seen in my 325 years on this earth, but lucky for all of us, my healing spell was as simple as, ‘Heal this boy’s leg!’”

Bloodgood’s husband Seth said that he counts his blessings every day that his wife doesn’t need to know anything except how to speak like a regular person to cast her spells.

“I honestly can’t believe how lucky we are. Imagine if my wife needed a single drop of blood from a rare animal and then had to solve a riddle before even thinking about healing our son,” Seth said. “Just a couple weeks ago, we hosted book club, and when we served her coven our famous baked brie and gluten-free sesame crackers, they were trying to commune with the dead author by singing a song. I mean, it had multiple verses, repeat choruses – they had to harmonize and shit. Two of them even sang in a round. What a pain in the ass.”

Ms. Bloodgood’s neighbor, Druid Kestrel Grove, witnessed Edgar’s injury, but the boy had already been healed by the time she arrived to help.

“Look, I can mend a few goddamn bones, it’s pretty basic stuff,” explained the Druid. “But I have to commune with the trees and the sun above, gather specific flora, and then, even after all that, I still have to remember and repeat several lines of Latin. Poor Madame Darkmore down the road would have to come up with a rhyming poem on the spot. I was ready to help, but Zaleria can just talk her magic like I’m talking to you. It’s so much faster and, frankly, foolproof. I mean, if she had seen Edgar fall, she would have just said something like, ‘Float and land gently,’ easy as that.”

At press time, Zaleria Bloodgood’s seven-year-old daughter Tabitha was trying to be like mommy, telling Alexa to play “Butter” by BTS.

Dumbass Indie Developer Crafting Elaborate, Unique Horror Experience When ‘Dimly-Lit Hallway’ Right There

Posted on by Nik Theorin

LOS ANGELES — An independent game developer with shit-for-brains announced they were hard at work curating an elaborate, unique horror experience for players, when “dimly-lit hallway” was right there, sources report.

“It’s tough watching rookie developers making the same mistakes,” said Vander Cartwright, an industry veteran who advises indie studios on how to market their games entirely through sad little quote tweets. “In this particular case, we see a failure of vision right off the bat. Before starting any project with financial ambitions, you have to look at what the market wants. A surreal puzzle-platformer that invites the player into a world both dark and whimsical. A cryptic survival-horror masterpiece of hard science fiction and queer love. A thoughtful remaster of beloved horror classic Condemned: Criminal Origins. The market doesn’t want any of that crap. What the market wants is 1-3 dimly-lit hallways with lights that go blinky-blink and maybe there’s a scary woman. That’s it.”

“I’m not oversimplifying things,” continued Cartwright. “Give me a single claustrophobic hallway in an unassuming suburban home and I will sell that shit like yuri to Signalis fans. Believe me. I make a living off the whims of a demographic that sees itself somewhere between a protected species and a globe-spanning coalition of unrealized political power. Before I go to sleep and after I wake up each morning, I think to myself, what do gamers want right now? Couch co-op? Intricate world-building? Expanded voting rights for women? No. The only thing gamers want with no nuance or exception is two corridors connected at a right angle, a little bit of head bob, and framed pictures of a smiling family with their eyes gouged out hanging on every wall.”

Alejandro De Anda, a former colleague of the indie developer who wished to keep their dumb ass anonymous, admitted his split from the studio last year was due in part to creative differences.

“There’s no hard feelings, I just felt like we were moving in two different directions,” said De Anda, who has since founded his own studio, Shovelscare Games. “The old studio head was one of those guys who was all vision, no sense. He wanted a first-person horror game with a manageably small open world and light Metroidvania elements set in a sparse wood populated by abandoned, interconnected treehouses, with a narrative told largely through loose notes and diary entries. My response when he laid all this out and showed me the alpha build he’d already made was what anyone would say: We wouldn’t be able to buy that wholesale from the Unity Asset Store for a clean $15 like we would with a hallway.”

“I raised a number of other obvious points,” continued De Anda, whose upcoming title Buster’s Ballpit is currently the #1 most wishlisted game on Steam by virtue of being another mascot horror game. “First and foremost, I told him, why bother? We have the emaciated, fetid corpse of P.T. right here, and with a few scraps of meat still on it. He asked why every AA horror game had to be P.T., and that’s when I hit him with the hard truth: If we as an industry make enough P.T. clones, maybe it’ll make up for the Silent Hills-shaped hole in our hearts. He turned around and scoffed, but I could see the tears already dampening his cheeks.”

When asked for comment, the indie developer, now a solo-dev, offered stern words of advice for creators.

“What’s the point of making games if you’re just going to do what’s already been done?” said the developer. “You know what made P.T. special? It wasn’t the fact that it was a Kojima game in disguise or the bold choice to set it in the narrow, claustrophobic corridor that is your average $4000 per month no bed one bath Brooklyn apartment. P.T. was special because it did something different. It surprised you. It innovated. It made you whisper ‘Jareth’ into the microphone on your PS4 controller because the internet promised you Norman Reedus. Is it tragic Silent Hills was never made? Yes. Did Konami need to take the teaser out back and shoot it in the back of the head execution style? No. But if you think you can recapture the same magic that game had by endlessly imitating it, you’ve not only boarded the cope boat, my friend. You’re riding first class.”

At press time, the developer had launched their debut horror title to underwhelming sales, a problem they intend to address through several minor bug fixes and the addition of the “deckbuilder” and “roguelike” tags to the game’s Steam page.

10 Other Things You Can Do While Waiting for Your Turn in Mario Party

Posted on by Arielle Andreano

So, it’s happening again. You have some friends over for a game night and everything is going well, but then someone’s boyfriend suggests Mario Party. Worse still, despite the fact that none of the attendees are under the age of 10, everyone sounds enthusiastic about it. Your first reaction is to despair, but I’m here to help you survive this giant, excruciatingly boring waste of your time.

The first thing to do, of course, is to sway the group to choose the fewest rounds possible by saying there will be cake arriving in half an hour. There does not need to be cake. Deception is imperative for survival at this stage. If you succeed at this, you should only need to utilize one or two of the following ten options that will help you stay occupied while waiting for your turn. All of these activities can be performed while participating in minigames.

1. Clean out your closet for a Goodwill drop.

You’ve been meaning to for years and you might as well toss that “Fluent in Sarcasm” shirt your aunt got you.

2. Paint your nails.

The more complicated the better. With a French tip, you will not have time to hate Bowser for being a thief.

3. Touch up your roots.

You meant to before game night, anyways, and they’re too busy ganging up on Luigi to notice.

4. Dust your book shelf and toss any books by canceled authors.

You still have that Neil Gaiman collection up there and now’s as good a time as any.

5. Locate your middle school enemies on LinkedIn and leave negative comments.

You might as well funnel your rage about the star location moving yet again.

6. File your emails.

2,000 unread emails? Your friend waffling about which dice to use is an opportunity to get your life together.

7. Actually bake a cake.

Hey, whatever it takes.

8. Start an MLM.

You might think a getty is not the moment to build your empire, but you’d be wrong. Toad is explaining rules to them for the 8th time.  Build that pyramid, girl.

9. Call your mom.

She misses you.

10.  Finally start that manuscript.

You were going to use the time to scroll angrily on Instagram and watch what actual fun activities all your other friends were doing. You might as well start the novel about the overly precocious child detective.