MILWAUKEE — The closing arguments for the State of Wisconsin v. Peter Gundy were made today, with a self-represented Gundy making his final statements to the jury.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, this is totally bullshit man, if it wasn’t for the stick drift pulling me left I would have totally won,” remarked Gundy (33) to the jurors. Gundy, who has no legal training, decided to represent himself after he claimed his female public defender had “a man chin.”
According to court records, Gundy was stopped at a DUI checkpoint on the night of September 24th, 2024. Officers observed Gundy had glassy bloodshot eyes, smelled of alcohol and had slurred speech. In between all the slurs, Gundy admitted to having three self-brewed fermented G-Fuel drinks before getting behind the wheel and was asked to step out of the car.
“Gundy first attempted the ten step walk and turn test, which involves walking in a straight line heel to toe for ten steps before turning around and doing ten more,” said Officer O’Malley, the officer who pulled Gundy over. “Mr. Gundy made it two steps before falling off the line and proceeded to fall seven times during the test. He then proceeded to fail the one leg stand and eye movement tests. After the failed tests, he was taken to the station for a certified breath test where he blew a .218 BAC. He was arrested and charged with DUI.”
Gundy’s strategy at trial was to shift the blame to the stick drift and attack the validity of the field sobriety tests.
“There was stick drift which made me fall. Companies like Nintendo and Sony think they can put out cheap products to the detriment of elite gamers like me. Even if there wasn’t stick drift, those games were poorly designed bullshit and don’t reflect my skill level. I’m cracked and those officers were lazy and put quick time events into the traffic stop instead of spending time making immersive gameplay. That is the problem with modern gaming today, developers are too lazy to make things good.”
The prosecution called into question the stick drift claims and claimed if Gundy wanted to pass their field sobriety tests that he needed to be more skilled.
“Mr. Gundy is trying to claim that stick drift made him fail these tests, but in reality he is just a scrub who needs to git good,” said lead prosecutor Mark Garfield during his closing statement.
At press time, Gundy was declared guilty and sentenced to coach a ragtag team of esports athletes to a championship while regaining his humanity and passion for gaming.
NEW YORK — Disgraced president George Sears, also known as Solidus Snake, was unable to execute his plan to restore American liberty after expending all of his effort dealing with his adoptive son Jack’s troublesome behavior, sources confirm.
“No reasonable person who looks at the facts of Jack’s cases can reach any other conclusion than Jack was singled out only because he is my son—and that is wrong,” wrote Sears in a statement before he confronted his son atop Federal Hall. “There has been an effort to break Jack—who has been living with injected nanomachines for five and a half years, even in the face of unrelenting attacks and selective prosecution. In trying to break Jack, they’ve tried to break me—and there’s no reason to believe it will stop here. Enough is enough. I have no choice but to drop everything and kill him myself.”
Internet users reacted to Sears’ sudden shift of policy.
“For so long now, he’s been adamant that he was overthrowing the United States government,” said X user @George_Washington, whose listed pronouns were “la-li-lu-le-lo” and who stopped posting after being asked who David Mayer was. “Now, all of a sudden, it’s about how this shadowy cabal has been treating his son unfairly and controlling the world’s economy through massive censorship? I think Sleepy George has lost the plot.”
Some of Sears’ allies were also critical of his behavior.
“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my consistency,” said Revolver Ocelot, one of Sears’ top lieutenants. “To see the former president reveal that his stated motives were all a smokescreen and he was actually trying to get away with some crazy, convoluted scheme? That’s just unthinkable to me. That’s the story here, and it’s what everyone should focus on: that Sears was speaking out of both sides of his mouth, and that ol’ Revolver Ocelot’s loyalty is not in question.”
At press time, the Supreme Court ruled that Sears’ hijacking of Arsenal Gear was an official act of office despite the fact that it took place after his term, granting him immunity from prosecution.
GARY, Ind. — Gary resident Eric Biggins, who goes by the online alias TigBittyEnjoyer69 despite the fact that he has never touched a breast, has cast his vote for “Best Jiggle Physics” for The Real Game Awards, sources confirm.
“The fact that his award show has never had a jiggle physics category should, frankly, invalidate the entire thing,” said Biggins on his podcast, “The Boob Slidercast.” “Keighley doesn’t understand gamers. I mean, he let a video poker game like what my grandma plays on her iPad be nominated for game of the year. What the fuck is a Balatro? More like Wokelatro.”
“The founders of The Real Game Awards understand gamers. It definitely isn’t just a way for them to make money off of the performative outrage they manufacture. They know Real Gamers will pay $30/year, like I did, for the chance to vote on the things they care about, like objectifying women. Just because I’ve never seen a naked woman that wasn’t on my grease-spotted monitor doesn’t mean I should be excluded from voting on how realistically their T&A jiggle in a video game.”
One of the co-founders of The Real Game Awards, Kabrutus, thanked Mr. Biggins for his support and shout out on his podcast in posts on X, The Everything App.
“@TigBittyEnjoyer69 is right! It’s about time award show nominees were taken out of control of people who make videos, write about, and play games for a living, and placed in the hands of people who are willing to pay me and my co-founders $30/year,” Kabrutus said. “Gamers are tired of being preached to and told what to think. That’s why I founded deidetected.com, so gamers don’t have to think at all. They can just look at the list of games I’ve curated and know they shouldn’t waste their money. That’s true freedom.”
Stuttering Craig, another of the new award show’s co-founders, echoed Kabrutus’ sentiments.
“Giving myself and my co-founders money is the only guaranteed way to fight the woke takeover of video games,” said Stuttering Craig. “We’re the only ones who can fix it. Ask your mom for money, cancel a different subscription because they are probably churning out DEI content anyway, sell some plasma, ignore the looks you get at the sperm bank and go back there again. Do whatever you have to do to send us money. You think any of this comes cheap? We need your money to fight wokeness, and we’re the only ones who can stop it. How much clearer can I say it? Give us your fucking money or the woke mob will come to your house and butcher your entire family.”
At press time, Biggins was torn between casting his ballot for Eve(Boobs) and Eve(Ass) on the Real Game Awards website.
REDWOOD CITY, Calif. — A newly announced battle pass for this year’s entry of “Seasonal Depression” promises to help users cope with the winter months by earning little treats after completing simple everyday tasks.
“Since I took on this new role, my focus has been on ensuring we provide the best experience to our most dedicated sufferers,” a former EA executive stated. “So far we’ve learned, for there to be a greater sense of accomplishment, it needs to be more about engaging, and not just enduring. With this new paid model, fans have the option to earn what they would have previously received for free, allowing them to feel better about themselves and their daily struggles, by completing daily challenges. We feel this will be met with overwhelming positivity and no backlash whatsoever.”
Some of the more promising tiers include stickers for drinking water, a ‘like’ on a social media post for showering, phone calls from your mom for going to work, and even a late-night Taco Bell run for enjoying any of your favorite hobbies.
“To be honest, I’m more a fan of their ‘Clinical’ series than the ‘Seasonal’ stuff, but I’m definitely enjoying this year’s release so far,” one enthusiastic fan said. “I went to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and managed not to cry alone in my apartment afterward, so I got this sick new feeling that I can’t quite describe. And I’m getting really close to finishing the ‘wake up before two o’clock’ tier, but you have to actually get out of bed for it to count and I just… can’t sometimes… you know? But yeah, I think more people should totally check it out.”
Dr. Aymahl Gewd, head of the Mental Health Awareness Association, gave their professional take on this unusual trend.
“Despite some of my patients calling this new practice a ‘major win,’ we would not officially endorse it as a legitimate form of mental health treatment. Though some rewards like ‘a hug from a friend for brushing your teeth’ or ‘a smile from a stranger if you go outside for more than five minutes’ are certainly enticing, we will always recommend the proven methods of light therapy, self-care, and social connection over anything.”
“That said, while no amount of Taco Bell or social media engagement will fully replace the act of bettering oneself, sometimes it is just what you need to help get through the day.”
At press time, positive reception has led to early development of two new “Depression” seasons of content called “The Next Four Years” and “Existential Dread.” Rumors suggest these new releases will be free bonus add-ons everyone will have to go through, and will mostly consist of community rewards for absolutely insane challenges nobody but you seem to be worried about.
Editor’s Note: The following list was emailed to Hard Drive from Merrick Garland’s official Justice Department email address. He has reportedly been sending it to numerous outlets, calling it his “magnum opus” and explaining that it is the culmination of nearly four years of constant effort. While other publications have elected not to publish Garland’s list, we believe that the American people deserve to know what our nation’s top lawyer has been up to since 2021.
Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
I get that Batman is the hero here, but you gotta give credit to the Joker too. It’s like Trump being a threat to democracy, but, like, could democracy even exist without a counterpoint? Think about it, man.
Limbo
Anytime I eat White House cafeteria meatloaf I think of gray, which makes me think of Limbo. Shortly afterwards, I’ll find myself playing Limbo until my legs completely fall asleep in the stall (passing meat) as I think about this little boy trapped in an endless death loop. I’ll believe car accident theories or tree house slip and falls in regards to the kid’s demise, but (as attorney general) the idea of a kid navigating childhood with only a small bit of gun violence isn’t tethered to reality.
Pokémon Go
This might seem like dull trivia, but the White House is six stories high and over 55,000 square feet. That makes it perfect for catching Kanto Pokémon or hatching rare eggs. It takes a lot of effort maintaining maxed out Pokémon, which is why I always look so busy on my work phone. This year, I even got so distracted trying to take over the local gym that I forgot to vote. Oops!
Super Mario Run
Mario immigrated via plumbing and Trump is probably going to have none of that, so I’m enjoying this while I can. If anything, Mario and Luigi probably voted for Trump so that Wario and Waluigi get deported, but in the end we’ll all lose here.
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night
I once heard Biden say, “What is a man? A miserable pile of secrets,” two years ago before he pardoned a turkey as he stroked its feathered back. I laughed and asked him, “Oh, you like that game too?” Biden said he had never heard of it.
Lego Jurassic World
Yeah, another Lego game. However, this game is basically like working in The West Wing:
You’re surrounded by dinosaurs.
You can’t die in the game, you just keep failing up.
Also, Biden genuinely does forget that you’re there if you don’t move, and I swear to God that Marjorie Taylor Greene once unfurled a neck frill and spat venom at me.
Fallout Shelter
I feel like I helped make this—not in a game engineering universe, but in a bad way. We already have a Deep Underground Military Base (DUMB) in Hawaii, and the game highlights American exceptionalism with blind patriotism, but those sorts of narratives go right over my head.
Doom
I’m barred from most internal meetings and electronics in the building here because anytime there’s an opportunity I’ll say, “But can it run Doom?” even though I know I’ll get absolutely no response. The Evangelical Christians here think I’m on my “lefty crap” when I play this game because there’s no LGBTQIA+ communities, minorities, or fellow Senator friends in Hell.
Crazy Taxi Classic
I remember the day I got my highest score on this game. Nobody cheered for me. Nobody clapped. That day was January 6th, 2021 and I’m still upset being ignored like that.
Final Fantasy (Series)
I’m kinda limited to mobile gaming now, but I’m hoping to get back into console gaming in January, because y’all know I’m a sucker for the Final Fantasy series. I’d be playing them now, but White House staff took my consoles away because they “interfere with work” or whatever that’s supposed to mean. I can’t wait til this stupid job is over.
WINTHROP HARBOR, Ill. — Local conservative video game enthusiast Kyle Sturver found himself arguing for the supposed merits of “Wolfenstein” 3D boss Mecha-Hitler, sources report.
“You have to understand, dude, that Castle Wolfenstein was in complete shambles when Mecha-Hitler came to power,” Sturver argued. “Operation Eisenfaust hadn’t even gotten off the ground, and Dr. Schabbs had no real direction with his undead armies. I’m not saying Mecha-Hitler was good, so don’t go telling people I did. I just think the whole situation is a lot more nuanced than the lamestream media wants you to believe. You only need to open your eyes and do your own research.”
Sturver’s friend Eric Miller reacted to this explanation.
“I don’t think Kyle gets it,” Miller offered. “Whatever minor good Mecha-Hitler might have done for Castle Wolfenstein kind of gets thrown out the window by the enormity of his misdeeds, so it’s not really worth bringing up. Can you honestly say the small amount of order Mecha-Hitler brought to his subjects is relevant when you can clearly see Castle Wolfenstein crawling with Zombie Guards, Pac Man Ghosts, and Killer Dogs? Anyone with half a brain can clearly see a place like that is not being run by a morally upstanding individual.”
Sociologist Zahra Brenner addressed the phenomenon of right-wing gamers excusing the atrocities committed by famous bosses.
“This is definitely something I’ve seen an uptick of in recent years,” Brenner said. “Whether it’s Bowser apologists saying the Mushroom Kingdom needed a ‘strong leader,’ or unabashed fans of Mr. X who point to the slight increase in bar patronage in Wood Oak City under the influence of his crime syndicate, modern-day conservatives are really threading the needle when it comes to examining these villains. In my professional opinion, they need to take a step back and examine these monsters more holistically.”
At press time, Sturver was heard saying that Ganondorf’s defeat at the hands of Link in Tears of the Kingdom was illegitimate, and that Hyrule would be a lot better off if he returned to power.
REEDSPORT, Ore. — The nationally syndicated radio show “Delilah” has publicly banned Stardew Valley resident Clint for an unprecedented amount of song requests and inappropriate behavior.
“I really can’t believe this is happening,” said Clint in a now deleted X post. “It’s frankly a violation of my First Amendment rights. I would only call maybe a few dozen times a night to hear ‘Dreaming With a Broken Heart’ by John Mayer. A MASTERPIECE! Maybe one day she will hear it…”
While Clint says he is adamant about keeping the subject of his desires secret, he has reportedly said her full legal name on the air many times.
“Sometimes he would disguise his voice so I wouldn’t know it was him,” recounted the radio show’s longtime phone screener. “He got really good at some of the characters he would do, and it would slip by me. There was a blustery British man, a blue-collar Bostonian, and one time there was a really tasteless Chinese accent. But the longer he would talk on air, it would all fall apart. Especially when he revealed his crush’s full home address and place of work after requesting ‘Jar of Hearts’ by Christina Perri.”
The final straw came two nights ago when Clint slipped by the phone screener yet again, hoping to hear “Every Breath You Take” by The Police.
“He started to go off on another tangent about a farmer in his town that was ruining his life and stealing her away from him,” said Delilah, host of the eponymous program. “But I could hear these wet, slapping sounds in the background between his sobs. Luckily, my producer cut the live feed before he started moaning, ‘Emily, oh, Emily.’”
While Clint is banned for life on “Delilah”, this incident drew the attention of radio’s porta-potty “Loveline”, where Clint has been offered to appear as a paid, weekly guest.
HYRULE CASTLE — Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule, the recently deposed King of Hyrule, expressed his desire for the usurper Ganondorf to usher the kingdom into an age of prosperity while promising to offer no resistance to the incoming ruler’s ascent to power.
“First of all, I’d like to wish Ganondorf congratulations on conquering the kingdom and overthrowing me,” said King Daphnes. “We’re looking forward to a smooth transition. Regardless of the times that I called him the King of Thieves, said he had the morals of an alley-remlit, or claimed that he would plunge our land into eternal darkness should he take the throne, I think he means well and hope that he will do a good job as our head of state.”
Sage of Earth and vocal Daphnes supporter Laruto expressed her disapproval of Ganondorf.
“We may have lost the battle, but we will not lose the war,” said the Zora sage, despite previously writing that the ascendency of Ganondorf would mean, “the end of Hyrule as we know it.” “We just have to keep fighting. They don’t realize how strong we are when we work together. Please, consider donating a few rupees to my new PAC, Tri-RESIST. I promise to keep a vigilant watch over our kingdom until a hero arises.”
Sturgeon, a scholar and political analyst from Outset Mountain, listed the reasons that he thought Ganondorf’s efforts proved successful.
“Daphnes focused too much on cultural issues, like protecting the rights of Zora who are covered and feathers and prefer flying to swimming,” said Sturgeon. “Also, no one bought into that climate change hoax he kept talking about. Obviously, the sea isn’t going to suddenly rise. On the other hand, Ganondorf focused on pocketbook issues that matter deeply to Hylians, like the price of Hyoi Pears and the internment of girls with pointed ears. His message really struck a chord with the median Bokoblin voter, who felt abandoned by the Royal Family.”
At press time, Ganondorf had ordered the immediate execution of King Daphnes and all of Hyrule’s sages.
Dungeon Inn is a surprisingly hardcore game that’s masquerading as a casual-friendly “cozy life sim.” It initially looks like one of a thousand indies that’s trying to horn in on Animal Crossing’s turf, with colorful graphics and cheerful animal sidekicks, but you can’t get through the first in-game month without being an accessory to murder.
Dungeon Inn, now available in Steam Early Access, is a high fantasy pastiche as seen through the eyes of a small Korean dev team. It’s probably easiest to call it a tower defense game, where you have to keep two feuding groups of adventurers happy without ever letting them meet.
In its world, an entire industry has been built around exploring a dungeon that you never see. Two separate companies, Port City’s Sea Guild and Highland City’s Mountain Guild, regularly send adventurers to that dungeon in search of loot. The two guilds are in open conflict, and when their members see one another, they fight to the death.
Sara is a young entrepreneur who makes a living by selling adventuring supplies to the guilds, and goes to great pains to not let either guild know that she does business with them both. One night, she and her partners Butter and Bami are driven into a cave by a sudden thunderstorm, where they end up face to face with a dragon. Before it eats them, Sara negotiates a contract: if the dragon lets them go, and loans them the services of a few of its wisp employees, they’ll pay the dragon a regular monthly tribute.
Now that she’s got to make dragon money, Sara comes up with a dangerous plan. She, Butter, Bami, and the wisps renovate an old ruin into an inn, which is conveniently located halfway between both cities and the dungeon. It’s an irresistible place for adventurers to rest, drink, and resupply. Due to the guilds’ feud, however, Sara must find a way to serve both of them at once.
Dungeon Inn plays out over the course of several in-game months, with each session split into a 5-day, 20-turn week. Over the course of that week, a procession of adventurers journey from their respective cities to the dungeon, and may or may not stop at the inn. Your goal is to draw in as many adventurers as possible while never letting them meet.
If they do run into one another outside the inn, it’s on sight, in a mechanic borrowed from auto-battlers. In a perfect world, two evenly-matched adventurers fight to a DKO; otherwise, you have to decide whether or not to influence the battle. Any surviving guild members may get suspicious about your inn, and if they conclude it’s a trap set by the other guild, your game ends on the spot.
It’s easier, when possible, to simply keep the guilds from meeting one another at all. You can do that by setting up a series of distractions along the road to influence their movements, such as a gambling wheel or a food stall, which can keep adventurers occupied for a few crucial turns. You only have 4 wisps to work with, however, so you have to be careful to work within your capabilities.
As you get further into the game, you also gain a number of extra options that are based around your characters’ individual talents. Sara can visit the cities to advertise, Bami can play the “polite butler” card to distract an adventurer for a turn, and Butter is both a talented chef and a street fighter who can change the course of a fight by himself. All three of them can also step in to manage various random events that might pop up, like using Sara to fast-talk an angry customer.
Once you’re into the third week or so, Dungeon Inn is largely about keeping all these plates spinning at once. It takes it easy on you for the first hour, but rapidly introduces random events, new objectives, and other assorted complications. At the same time, you have to keep an eye on your bottom line to make sure you’re bringing in enough cash to keep the dragon happy at the end of the month.
If you perform well, you earn tokens you can use to upgrade the inn, which adds more facilities to bring in more customers. If you don’t, you either get eaten by a dragon or run out of town by angry adventurers. It’s turn-based, so it’s not a question of reflexes or timing, but you still end up with a lot on your plate in any given turn of Dungeon Inn.
Obvious disclaimer: this is an Early Access game, so much of what I’m about to say only applies to the version that I’ve played (0.5.241115). As such, this isn’t a full review, as Dungeon Inn isn’t finished yet.
As it is, it’s simpler to play Dungeon Inn than it is to explain it. Even with the relative complexity of managing your resources vs. your customers, it’s easy to pick up, and it doles out new tools and mechanics at a reasonable pace. You can play through a single in-game week in about 20 minutes, which makes it a great title to launch when you don’t have a lot of time to play.
If it’s got one real issue at time of writing, it’s that sometimes its math doesn’t work out. Dungeon Inn seems to be built around a pure random number generator, which determines the type, number, and quality of adventurers that show up in any given week. Your overall weekly/monthly goals don’t change between runs, but you might have to juggle wildly different groups of incoming customers.
On casual difficulty, your objectives are lenient enough that this isn’t a big deal, although you might still have a few close calls or fail a couple of optional goals. On the more challenging difficulty, you’re sometimes doomed to failure regardless of your decisions. Your only real option, which the game doesn’t tell you, is to back out to the main menu and hope for a better roll of the dice on a second attempt. It’s a surprisingly apt metaphor for late-stage capitalism, but a frustrating video game.
If it pays more attention to its game balance, Dungeon Inn has potential as the next big idle clicker game. I’m surprised it’s on PC at all, but it’s hard to imagine its UI working on a mobile device. If you want something to throw onto your Steam Deck to kill 20 minutes at a time, and you’re burned out on Vampire Survivors, this isn’t a bad option. It’s got a nice dark core underneath all its cozy vibes.
[Dungeon Inn, developed by Cat Society and published by Spiral Up Games, is now available for $12.99 in Steam Early Access. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Spiral Up PR representative.]
GENEVA — After recent events across the video game industry, Nintendo has decided enough is enough. A representative from the World Intellectual Property Organization (WIPO) has reported that Nintendo has decided to file a patent for the development of any video game.
“Of course this is very legal. We make the best games ever according to everyone in the world. It’s only fair that we get a cut of every single game that comes out for now on,” said Eric Brady, the head of legal council for Nintendo America in a statement on the legitimacy of this patent.
The parent in question lists details of what they consider covered under Nintendo’s intellectual property.
Any game with a main character.
Any game that uses buttons to play.
Any game that requires a power source to play.
Any game that requires code to create.
WIPO representative Alfred Nilsson was asked by reporters if this patent was enforceable and gave the following response.
“Oh absolutely,” Nilsson said, wearing a tie with a Triforce on it. “Have you played Tears of the Kingdom? Anyone that makes a game like that deserves to be the ruler of all gaming.”
Consumers appear to be mixed on the issue. Taking to social media to share their thoughts.
“I just think it’s unfair that someone could make a better Pokémon game than GameFreak,” wrote user TrainerRizz on the Nintendo subreddit. “They should have applied to GameFreak to help make their game better. I hear a lot of people saying this patent is insane and bad for gaming but the best thing for gaming is to let Nintendo do whatever they want, they make Mario and Zelda after all and that’s so much more important than anything else in the industry.”
At press time, the WIPO has stated that they expect to notarize this patent the day before the official ruling of Nintendo’s lawsuit against Pocketpair.
