SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Social worker Jeff Phillips was seen excited downloading Call of Duty: Modern Warfare III (2023)” despite the fact that all of his boys had moved on to this year’s release, sources confirm.
“I’m so glad that the series is on Game Pass now,” said Phillips, who noted that he had been drifting from his friend group because he was the only person who hadn’t purchased the last Call of Duty title last year. “The group chat wouldn’t shut up about Modern Warfare III, and I made some comment about how I wasn’t gonna pay $70 for a game. Everyone jumped down my throat about it, so obviously I had to double down and stick to my guns. It was pretty alienating, but now I can finally have fun with everyone. I may have had to delete all of the old home movies I told my mom I would digitize for her in order to clear the 100 gigabytes I needed to install the game, but soon, it will all be worth it.”
Phillips’ friend Alan Costa was skeptical when he heard the news.
“I love Jeff, but he’s kind of a dumbass,” said Costa. “I don’t mean he’s stupid or anything, he’s just kind of a mess in his personal life. He’s always going to the wrong movie theater or restaurant, and he never seems to get the right version of whatever game we’re playing. Hell, he was the best man at my wedding, which we had to delay for forty-five minutes because he went to the wrong venue. I’d love to play CoD with him, but I’m not expecting a miracle.”
Sociology professor Brendan Narue noted how yearly releases of popular video games have contributed to the epidemic of male loneliness.
“It’s just hard for these young men to form connections when they’re not even sure where the fellas will be,” said Narue. “If a millennial guy suggests that the boys should get back into ‘Diablo,’ that might mean a different thing to every bud who hears it. One might think that they should just log back into ‘Diablo III,’ which they played most recently. Another might interpret the statement as saying they should buy ‘Diablo II: Resurrected,’ which more closely emulates the experience they had when their fraternal bonds were first forming. Unfortunately for them, the dude probably wanted to try out ‘Diablo IV,’ the most recent title in the series. This sort of confusion is ultimately destroying society.”
At press time, Phillips was seen forcing himself to play through the game’s entire campaign so that he could “get a feel for the controls.”
REHOBETH BEACH, Del. — A prominent “fedora guy” was apparently demoted in popularity in favor of a new “kilt guy,” at last week’s annual Bit Con gathering, bitter sources confirm.
“I’m absolutely stunned and disturbed by this desperate, narcissistic, display,” said self-proclaimed fedora guy, Andrew Carman. “I’ve been wearing my fedora to Bit Con since like before rumble packs, and then some clown who I assume must be obsessed with me, shows up in a kilt? What’s he trying to prove? Some people have a pathetic sense of identity.”
Denying Carman’s allegations of attention seeking behavior, “kilt guy” Ivan Kuznetsov was quick to defend his actions.
“Can’t a guy visually express pride in the cultural heritage of many of his favorite fictional characters without being judged? I mean, my Warcraft character came to this planet on a very long steampunk ship voyage many years in the future in search of freedom, not crotch shelfs,” Kuznetsov said, as two cute gamer girls polished his PS3 controller for him before handing him another peeled chicken tender. “I mean bro, what’s up with the fedora, anyway? Do you even croon?”
Bit Con founder Stephanie Sultor commented on the incident.
“This kind of male ego toxicity is simply not what Bit Con is all about,” said Sultor. “Unfortunately, it’s usually about women being harassed, so this is really kind of a welcomed change. We’re thinking of hosting a ‘most annoying outfit’ contest next year, just to encourage this sort of thing.”
Carman and Kuznetsov responded with indignity and dismissiveness after a rumored “actual live snake guy” was said to be attending next year’s event.
NEW YORK — Multiple eyewitnesses claimed to have seen the assassin of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson emerging from a conveniently-placed cart of hay near West 54th Street and Avenue of the Americas in Manhattan following the shocking shooting early Wednesday.
“That was frigging nuts, man. Some dude just popped out of the cart, a few minutes after the gunshots, cloaked by a hood and wearing these cool-looking leather boots,” said resident New Yorker Jack Miller. “He shook off the hay and started walking. For a second, he caused a few yellow question marks to pop up over the heads of some policemen, but their suspicion meters went back down after he went around a corner and disappeared from their fields of vision. Outta sight, outta mind, I guess.”
Other witnesses on the scene claim to have heard an unidentified loud noise shortly after the assassination took place.
“I heard a big ‘FOOM!’ behind me and turned around to see some rustling in a hay cart being pulled by a Central Park horse carriage,” Monica Grayson of Hell’s Kitchen stated to the media. “It almost sounded like someone fell or something? Then I looked up and saw there was this big gargoyle sticking out from the skyscraper above me. I was like, ‘did someone just jump off of here and fall from the goddamn sky?’ But then I realized that can’t be right. Who would leave this cart full of soft, fluffy hay right underneath that thing, and who the hell would be stupid enough to try to dive into it?”
The NYPD have been on a manhunt for the assassin, and one officer offered his account of the pursuit in the immediate aftermath of the killing.
“Suspect was last seen sort of bobbing and weaving down 54th and doing parkour over trash bags and traffic cones.” Officer Anthony Rivelli told reporters. “We were in pursuit, but after a few minutes he blended into the crowd and started walking at a normal pace again. Nothing we could do at that point, he’d clearly entered a different section of the map.”
At press time, New York Mayor Eric Adams issued a public statement on Thompson’s death, assuring the city that “The Templars – uh, I mean, New York City’s finest, of course – are doing everything they can to catch this Assassin and bring him to justice.”
Look, we all know that the Avengers are in big trouble. After a series of crushing defeats, their popularity is in freefall, leaving S.H.I.E.L.D. desperate for answers. With villains gaining more and more support, I think it’s worth taking a note from the personality who dominates the modern bad guy media landscape—publisher-turned-podcaster J. Jonah Jameson.
“The J. Jonah Jameson Ordeal” has become an influential empire by appealing to his listener’s emotions. Jameson works them into a frenzy with half-truths and misinformation, appealing to the suspicions of their baser natures. Fundamentally, they want to hear that Spider-Man isn’t better than them, that common knowledge espoused by perceived “elites” is a lie, and that there is actually a secret truth only privy to those special and smart enough to hear it—themselves. What the Avengers need is someone who can do all of that and then say, “Spider-Man is good, actually.”
Our version of Jameson needs to be a heterodox thinker, just like him. His listeners appreciate that he will interview anyone with even a crumb of notoriety, nodding slack-jawed as they spew whatever nonsense pops into their troubled minds. Imagine a pro-Avengers podcaster who welcomed villains onto his show, allowing him to connect directly to the hard-to-reach henchman demographic. We can’t afford to be afraid of discourse any longer.
There’s a few obvious picks. Kraven the Hunter has a physique that compares Jameson’s oddly-jacked physique for his age, which will appeal to disaffected young men. That’s a demographic that has shifted hard to evil-doing over the last decade, probably because they didn’t have a podcast telling them about all the good things that the Avengers do. Venom is a great pick to appeal to villainous-drifting Gen-Xers, and he brings a built-in co-host/producer with him.
Whoever they get to fill this role, it needs to be someone with common sense—someone who understands that the Avengers need to end their support of the X-Men. Sure, the Avengers have never publicly expressed approval of the vigilante group, and most of their actual deeds have ultimately proven hostile to mutants. Still, many of their supporters are also fans of the X-Men, especially radical webheads. The Avengers need someone who can speak hard truths to them by explaining that they must abandon their core values and throw a vulnerable group to the wolves in a hopeless attempt to win the favor of a hateful bunch of cranks who despise them.
A Spidey-friendly J. Jonah Jameson might not solve all of the Avengers’ problems, but it would be a significant first step. It may even convince Tony Stark to open up his wallet and donate to them. They’ll need that help to close the significant funding gap heroes are currently experiencing compared to villains, who have received generous help from several billionaires, including Justin Hammer, Norman Osborne, and Tony Stark.
My buddy’s daughter is a hugefan of everything about Pokémon except the violence that’s inherent to the premise. She loves all the different monsters and will draw pictures of them for hours on end, but has zero interest in playing most of the games. If she did, she’d have to make her Pokémon fight, and she’s not about that.
In retrospect, it’s odd that that isn’t a more widespread opinion. One of the oldest cliches in Internet-era comedy writing is making fun of Pokémon for its unsubtle undercurrents of animal exploitation and/or child labor, usually by leaning into the darkness of the premise (cf. Palworld). It’s much less common for anyone to try to reconstruct it from its basic principles, but omit all the aspects that we’ve come to recognize as weird.
Beastieball, now available in Steam Early Access, is a monster-collection RPG by Wishes Unlimited, which is a new name for an old team. Greg Lobanov, Alexis Dean-Jones, and Lena Raine previously collaborated on Chicory: A Colorful Tale, while Raine and Lobanov made the sleeper hit Wandersongbefore that.
With Beastieball, Wishes has made its biggest project yet. It’s not an explicit parody, but it’s a distinctly tongue-in-cheek take on the overall Pokémon concept.
Your custom character in Beastieball enters the game as a kid in the backwoods village of Rutile. All Rutile really has going for it is its nature preserve, which is a vital habitat for a local population of “Beasties.” These easygoing monsters usually ignore humans, and can often be seen playing games with one another.
As you grow up, “Beastieball” becomes increasingly big business. Humans train to coach small teams of Beasties to play their trademark ball game against one another for fame, fortune, and glory. Every local village has a Beastieball gym.
One day, you go to hang out in the nature preserve and discover a fleet of bulldozers. The Beastieball league has plans to clear-cut the preserve to build a new stadium, despite the preserve’s status as a protected habitat. You immediately set out to become the next superstar coach with the first two friendly Beasties you can find, on the assumption that a new champion will have enough pull with the league to save Rutile’s preserve.
That sends you on a journey from town to town, where you’ll recruit new Beasties for your team, challenge other coaches, explore the wilderness, and evolve your individual monsters.
Much of Beastieball is self-consciously borrowed from the last few decades of various monster-collecting games, but with a deliberate emphasis on non-violence and consent. You don’t forcibly capture Beasties; you have to study their quirks, then impress them with smart play. If they like what you do, they’ll offer to join your squad.
Beastieball as a sport is essentially beach volleyball, with additional mechanics like trick shots, status effects, and shot placement. A Beastie that receives a serve loses some stamina, and if it reduces them to zero, they get “wiped” and have to hit the bench for a couple of turns. Nobody ever gets seriously hurt, and every game you play is optional.
In the field, a random game against wild Beasties is a simple first-to-1 match, while official league play can be best of 3 or 5. Once you have a rough idea of what an individual Beastie is capable of, it’s easy to come up with a strategy against them, but coached Beasties may have unusual new skills that’ll keep you guessing. By the same token, you can undertake team-building exercises to build your monsters’ bonds, which can unlock shared moves or unique combo skills.
Beastieball is both more and less strategic than I expected. There’s a rock-paper-scissors element where you have exactly one chance to defend against your opponent’s return, so more than one match will come down to you making a blind guess. Against the CPU, your best bet is usually stacking defense modifiers on your weakest player, but it’s surprised me a few times.
Some of those surprises came from Beastieball’s semi-open world. Once you win the right to officially represent Rutile in league play, it lets you head off in whatever direction you like. There are a couple of barriers, like a team of level 27 Beasties that hang out in the woods southwest of Rutile, but there aren’t any guardrails to speak of. It’s up to you to explore in whatever direction you like and take your own path to the championship.
At time of writing, Beastieball has been in Early Access for almost a month, with plans for it to reach completion around the end of next year. The current version of the game features the full story, so you can play up to its end in about 15-20 hours.
As it stands right now, it’s a simple but absorbing spin on both JRPGs and sports drama. I want to compare it to Bad News Bears, or maybe one of those ‘80s movies where kids put on a show to save their local youth center.
It could use a few mechanical tweaks before it could be considered complete, however. Money in particular can be difficult to come by, as normal random encounters are worth almost nothing and supplies are all remarkably expensive.
It’s not a huge obstacle for progression, since you can rest for free in most places, but Beastie recruitment requires you to keep buying expensive Jerseys. If you actually want to collect monsters in this monster-collecting game, you often have to put it off until you’ve got more cash in hand.
There’s also a mechanic about building and maintaining in-game friendships that I don’t like that much. Whenever you overcome particularly tricky Beastieball bouts, you build your character’s Social Battery, which you can spend on hangouts with various NPCs you meet over the course of the game.
You eventually have to engage with the friendship system, as one of the mid-rank league coaches requires you to have at least one high-level friend before he’ll accept your challenge, but it’s a grind. In a game that’s otherwise gone out of its way to make grinding pointless, the friendship system feels out of place.
The basic structure here is solid, as is the weird little indie comic of a world that Wishes Unlimited has created. Beastieball is a cheerful, low-stakes, zero-violence spin on the monster-collecting genre. I don’t know how much demand there is for a non-violent sports/Pokémon JRPG, but I’m glad that one exists.
[Beastieball, developed by Wishes Unlimited and published by Kiei, is now available in Steam Early Access for $24.99.This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by Greg Lobanov.]
CHICAGO — A recent screening of the new hit film Wicked was disturbed when an unruly and inconsiderate patron rudely began telling other theater goers to put their phones away.
The patrons who just wanted to experience a night out at the movies were understandably upset.
“You hear stories online of poor theater behavior but I’d never experienced it until now,” said theater goer Mira Spencer while scrolling through Instagram. “We’re just trying to enjoy the movie and take some videos of the screen to post online and this asshole just starts pestering people to put their phones away. What a prick! He should have stayed home and waited to watch the movie on streaming if he didn’t want to experience it with phone lights and flashes.”
AMC spokesperson James Hill confirmed to press that the disruptive person, Mike Milligan was banned from all theaters across the country.
“We at AMC do not tolerate such abhorrent behavior and so mister Milligan is not welcome at any AMC theater. The theater is supposed to be a communal experience where cinema lovers converge together to enjoy and respect the art form. They do this by taking photos and videos of the screen to share with others, checking their social media feeds with full brightness on, even providing their own live commentary of the film. To have someone act so disrespectfully to the theatrical experience by trying to get people to put their phones away and pay attention to the film is beyond disgraceful and it will never happen again at this chain.”
The story gained traction and was picked up by some people in the film industry who gave their thoughts on the matter.
“It’s always terrible when people try to ruin the sacred ground of the movie theater,” wrote Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson in the caption of an instagram video where he was promoting Teremana Tequila. “People pay their hard earned money to sit in a theater and enjoy a film in the background while they scroll through their feed or have intimate and loud conversations with their friends. No one should go to the theater if all they’re gonna do is ruin other people’s time by demanding phones be put away. It’s a slippery slope to further poor behavior if we let people do that.”
At press time, Milligan was also banned from all Regal Cinemas after an incident in which he disturbed singing theater patrons.
Brilliant industrialist and Shadow President-elect Elon Musk has recently suggested buying Hasbro, because this selfless hero has dedicated himself to solving all of mankind’s ills, and we’ll never get to Mars unless we stop Dungeons & Dragons from being woke first.
But he wouldn’t just own D&D if he did this! We’re talking about a massive century-old toy company with countless franchises under its belt, all of which could benefit from Musk’s signature charm. Let’s take a look at what he has planned for the Hasbro library.
Action Man
Action Man? Really? This is a toyline that’s existed for decades? That’s the kind of generic name someone would make up as a joke. The best thing we can do for this franchise is give it a better name. Something memorable that would help it stand out. Ooh, hey, you know what name I don’t think has ever been done before? “X.”
Axis & Allies
This World War II board game is going to be streamlined, removing a lot of unnecessary features nobody really needs that just make the game more frustrating and complicated. Also, the title is just “Axis” now.
Battleship
The objective is now to miss as much as possible. As soon as a player correctly says a ship’s location, they’re banned for sharing assassination coordinates.
Candy Land
And I thought New Phyrexia was Hasbro’s most miserable setting. True to its name, Candy Land has both candy and land. Vast swathes of untamed saccharine wilderness with no industry in sight. Where are the factories? Where are the stock exchanges? Do they even have Wi-Fi? Like his ancestors long ago, Elon Musk has a responsibility to bring civilization and industry to these savage people. We’re going to bulldoze all these candy forests and establish businesses that manufacture and sell candy until we’re rich enough to end the feudal reigns of King Candy and Lord Licorice. Sure, the rapid industrialization will eventually melt and acidify the Ice Cream Sea, but we won’t have to worry about that once we’re all riding a peppermint rocket to Candy Mars.
Clue
The old Clue sucked, because it encouraged logical thinking, which is boring, and its premise implies that rich people aren’t immortal. Instead of accusing the other players of being a murderer, the new and improved Clue will have you accuse them of being a pedophile. Are you actually right? Who cares? Your family board game night has never been livelier!
Don’t Wake Daddy
D&D is just a red herring. This is the real reason Elon Musk wants to buy Hasbro. Don’t Wake Daddy is quite literally the most anti-woke game of all time. The entire objective is to stop your father from becoming woke, and if he is woke, you lose. The future of Western Civilization hinges on Hasbro going all in on Don’t Wake Daddy. We need a million licensed variations, a merchandising push, a digital version designed with esports in mind, and obviously a feature film adaptation.
Dungeons & Dragons
Obviously, Elon Musk is going to undo the change that started all this controversy to begin with: removing the concept of “races” from D&D. From now on, there are different races with different inherent abilities, flaws, and personality traits, just as Ao intended. Elon’s not a big fan of the game’s class system, though. You mean there are different classes of people with their own unique valuable abilities? Even the poors? Where’s the CEO class that’s better than all the others?
D&D’s alignment system needs work too. The new description of “Lawful Evil” just sounds like a cool guy.
Furby
If you loved talking to Furby before, just wait until you see what he can do now! The next line of Furbies will use AI so you can have real conversations with him, with all the depth and complexity we’ve come to expect from LLMs! Comes in three different varieties: Erotic Furby, Racist Furby, or Both! (Batteries and enormous amount of water not included.)
The Game of Life
This one doesn’t need too many changes. It says the objective of life is to collect as much money as possible, easily Musk’s favorite of the big board games. But it is just a smidge unrealistic, isn’t it? You get married and have children as the game goes on, but where are the opportunities to get divorced, or have your children refuse to speak to you ever again? As far as Elon Musk is concerned, it’s not truly The Game of Life without those. But don’t worry, you can still have the most cash at the end while enjoying all the extra room that comes with being the only peg in your car.
G.I. Joe
In their next thrilling adventure, the military heroes of G.I. Joe will stop the evil Cobra Commander from nationalizing Bolivia’s lithium reserves.
Jem and the Holograms
What is this woke crap? So Jem is a woman, big first strike already, but all of the Holograms too? Who is this for, little girls? Little girls don’t watch cartoons, adult men do. We’re rebooting Jem to be about Vikings with guns.
Littlest Pet Shop
Introducing the newest, best littlest pet of them all: Doge! Get it? Like the funny Internet meme? Then we’ll add Pepe the Frog, another amazing meme that the left can’t do. Then we’ll just add a bunch of Wojaks and change its name to the Littlest MEME Shop, because memes are epic for the win! I can haz cheeseburger? You’re the man now, dog! All your base are belong to us! Mr. T ate my balls!
Magic: The Gathering
Magic’s color pie is in desperate need of a rebalance. More specifically, we need to buff White. A lot. White should be better than all the other colors, because Elon Musk is a White…player. In Magic. He always runs a White deck. Mono-White. No multicolors.
Monopoly
Name changed to “Genius Entrepreneurship.” To more accurately depict life as a rich person, players can no longer go to jail.
Mr. Potato Head
Fake potatoes should not cost more than real potatoes. That simply doesn’t make sense. In the name of efficiency, we’re growing potatoes now. You, toymakers, farm. I’ll be back at 5 to pick them up.
My Little Pony
Introducing a brand-new line of life-size pony dolls, just in case you ever need to offer a woman a horse for some reason. And wait until you meet the newest pony, Green Glimmers! Every toy of her comes with a cutie mark made of real emeralds! Don’t worry about where they came from.
Nerf
The Nerf brand is famously resistant to compromising its identity, corporate pressure be damned. As its legally binding slogan states, “It’s Nerf or nothing.” After careful review of the options available to him, Elon Musk will go with nothing.
Operation
The only piece you’re allowed to remove anymore is the Woke Mind Virus, which is located in Cavity Sam’s head and looks like a tiny version of him being considerate to someone else. He still has all the usual ailments too, but his health insurance doesn’t cover them.
Ouija
I’m sorry, Hasbro owns a way to talk to the dead and they’ve just been selling it in stores? I mean, at least they monetized it somehow, but they’re not using this to its full potential. Once we’ve reverse-engineered this thing to learn all its secrets, we’re going to integrate Ouija tech into Grok and perform a giant AI-powered mass seance until it’s learned the collective knowledge of everybody who’s ever died, including the full details of the afterlife. Truly, we will be gods.
…Hey, can the Ouija board talk to dinosaurs?
Peppa Pig
In a heartrending series finale, Peppa and her entire family will be slaughtered and turned into a giant plate of bacon, which a live-action Elon Musk then eats. This is followed by an hour-long presentation in which Elon Musk explains to the audience of crying children about how bacon is the most totally epic food of all time, and anybody who doesn’t like to eat bacon, whatever their reason (wink wink), is a bad person who should not be trusted.
PJ Masks
This pro-mask propaganda for children must stop! They’re normal kids without superpowers now, and the show’s name is PJ Faces.
Play-Doh
One of Play-Doh’s big selling points is that it’s non-toxic, coddling weak stupid children who think eating clay is a good idea. All the woke safe space-loving college students these days were once children playing with non-toxic Play-Doh. Coincidence? Yes, yes it is, but let’s change it anyway.
We’re making the Play-Doh toxic now. Your children will get a fun and educational toy that teaches the important lesson that life is harsh and, if you’re not careful, short. Plus, we finally know what to do with SpaceX’s industrial runoff. Now that’s a win-win! The existing reserves of non-toxic Play-Doh will be used to create bricks for low cost housing.
Power Rangers
For the past thirty years, the Power Rangers and their million spin-offs have heroically fought to protect the world from recycled footage of Japanese stuntmen. But isn’t it time they use their power and range to help out against real villains? In their next series, Power Rangers: Liberty Force, a new group of teenagers with attitude will kick the crap out of actual threats to society, like trans people, environmentalists, and anybody who still calls it Twitter. Their orders will come from Zordon’s son Better Zordon, played by Elon Musk himself, and also the Pink Ranger is in love with him. Oh, and the Zords are Cybertrucks.
Scrabble
A certain word formerly worth 8 points is now worth 14 trillion.
Sorry!
Discontinued for encouraging players to apologize for their actions.
Transformers
The Autobots will now all transform into Teslas and SpaceX rockets, while the Decepticons will turn into a robust public transportation system. When they’re not fighting to keep Earth’s energon reserves for themselves, everyone’s favorite robots will spend their free time drawing the worst pictures you’ve ever seen in your life.
Masters of the Universe
First, we’re going to make it so Skeletor canonically loves…what do you mean this is Mattel? Well how much are they? Fine, we’ll get them too if that’s what it takes.
You know, de facto control of the government will be fun and all, but it lacks that little personal touch of petty sadism that separates your regular everyday evil billionaires from Based Memelord Elon Musk. But being able to take away all of your own childhood memories…you just can’t put a price on that. He can, though.
HOLLYWOOD — A major movie studio has confirmed that production has begun on an animated remake of a beloved live-action retelling of a cherished animated classic.
Studio Chief Executive Dominic Cobb assured fans that the recreation will remain true to the reinvention of the original, saying,
“We understand how much the first, first movie means to people and plan to revere it in this animated version of its live-action duplication. Our team of storytellers is excited to share our vibrant renewal of the recent lifelike redo of one of the world’s venerated hand-drawn films.”
Animation Director Casey Curry is excited for the opportunity to use modern technology to give audiences a fresh cartoon rendition of last decade’s true-to-life reprise of a childhood treasure.
“With today’s animation tools, we can bring the realistic versions of the adored digital ink and paint motion picture to a new level of illustrated glory,” Curry explained. “The expressiveness of the characters in every frame of the primary original was unparalleled. That will return in this modern do-over with the added benefit of improved subsurface scattering and 100 times the follicle-per-square-millimeter count of the original version. No, not that one, the one before this one.”
Isabel Salazar, the studio’s Chief Marketing Officer, sees all new, old ways to attract moviegoers and guarantee box office success. One key, she said, is to know your audience.
“The initial animated feature occupies a sacred space in a generation’s hearts. The live-action remake also exists. We don’t need to reinvent the reinvented wheel here,” Salazar explained. “Whether people want to relive the nostalgia of their childhood or young adulthood or whenever, or they want to see a facelift re-lifted but with…let’s say, better limb articulation…we really don’t have to do anything. This CGI reproduction of the prized, authentic-looking renovation of the vintage masterpiece is guaranteed to draw crowds.”
At press time, the film’s animators were spotted with notepads at a Flashback Cinema showing of The Polar Express.
NEW YORK — In a shocking development, after hundreds of years spent haunting individuals into good behavior the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future have debuted a radical new strategy; murder.
“We just finally decided that enough is enough and it’s time for a change,” said the Ghost of Christmas Present. “As we were gearing up for this year’s round of hauntings we realized that we have more people than ever before to haunt. We’ve been doing this for hundreds of years and the world has actually gotten worse. So we decided that it’s better to just kill these people.”
The first victim of the Ghosts new strategy was UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson whom the Ghosts shot and killed outside his hotel.
“We’ve dealt with this kind of guy before,” said the Ghost of Christmas Present. “He’s a rich guy who runs a company in a manner that lines his pockets while ruining lives. The company denies more claims than any other health insurance company which is saying a lot. This kind of guy usually requires a longer haunt than normal but they never change and even when they do it never lasts. So we weighed our options and figured, let’s just kill him so we possessed a guy and popped him”
While this new method of dealing with the cold hearted, greedy enemies of decency may seem extreme the Ghosts insist it’s necessary.
“What we’ve been doing may have worked in the 1800s but in the modern age it just doesn’t and we had to adapt,” said the Ghost of Christmas Future. “Our job is to make the world a better place and it’s become quite clear to us that haunting these terrible people to show them the negative effect they’re having on others and how it will end in an unfulfilled lonely life devoid of love just wasn’t working. But our job is to get rid of these deplorable people, now we’re just getting rid of them for good. If we can’t get them to make the world better then we’ll make it better by their absence. The CEO of an American Health Insurance company was an easy first target. But believe me, there will be a lot more killings in the future and I should know.”
At press time, polls indicate that in light of the new strategy the Ghosts popularity is the highest it’s been since they haunted Ebenezer Scrooge.
OSAKA, Japan — Following the recent reveal of Super Nintendo World’s Donkey Kong Country expansion, Nintendo has issued a statement reporting that famed video game director Shigeru Miyamoto has gone missing within Universal Studios Japan.
“It was all very unexpected,” a Nintendo representative stated. “While filming our promotional video, we noticed Mr. Miyamoto appeared unusually worked up near the Mine Cart ride, which led to numerous retakes as he became increasingly distracted by the attraction. It was then, after finishing his segment with Mr. Kong, that he excused himself to the restroom. However, when he didn’t return, a park employee discovered an open window in the back and no sign of him. At this time, we are working under the assumption that he has not yet escap—left the premises.”
Universal has turned to increasingly unconventional methods to locate Mr. Miyamoto. Jackson Jones, the park’s head of security gave his thoughts on the situation.
“We’re taking this very seriously. He’s just a little guy, after all, and so we don’t know how long he’ll last out there. But we are remaining transparent that efforts have grown more difficult after a member of our team found that Mr. Miyamoto seems to have torn out his tracker. We’ve tried everything, having park employees walk around jangling keys, even having Donkey Kong going around the park looking sad hoping Miyamoto will come comfort him. We urge the public not to attempt to approach or capture Mr. Miyamoto if spotted, and to instead report it to the nearest staff member as he may become frightened and attack or run away.”
Internet theorists have called Miyamoto’s intentions into question after a recent leak from an undisclosed inside source alleged that Nintendo had limited his “outside time” to only 20 minutes a day. This has led to speculation that he is not missing at all but rather hiding.
“Oh, we’ve definitely seen him all over the place, but no one’s really taking us seriously,” said a park employee who wished to remain anonymous. “Honestly, I think that even if they did find him, they wouldn’t be able to catch him; he’s gotten weirdly good at hiding. It was a little funny at first, but now he’s starting to scare some of the guests. We’ve even had to stop the rides a couple times because he keeps sneaking on. But he’s been pretty chill, though. We leave some food and stuff out for him when we close up at night.”
At press time, Nintendo has assured the public that Mr. Miyamoto’s health and safety remain as their top priority, and are hopeful he will tucker himself out soon enough and return to the office.
