Deep Friendship Built Through Almost Nightly Discord Calls Ends Without Notice After Guy Buys New Game

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

DISCORD — A multiyear friendship formed over nightly Discord chats, where two people shared more with each other than they do almost anyone else in their life, was ended abruptly without a single word after one of them purchased a new game, reports confirmed.

“Oh Jon? Yeah, I love that guy,” said Eric Berns. “We met during the PUBG days. Peak battle royale era. He’s the guy who convinced me I should propose to Christy. No clue what he’s up to, I started playing Rust and haven’t heard from him since.”

Jon Falsteen, the lost friend Berns mentioned, says the relationship is still warm on his end.

“I still consider Eric to be one of my best friends, if he’s alive,” he said.

According to Berns’ fiance Christy Hansen, Berns hadn’t mentioned that the two friends no longer talked.

“What? Eric doesn’t talk to Jon anymore?” Hansen said. “When I asked if he was going to have enough groomsmen to match my bridesmaids, Jon was the first person he listed. Oh god the whole choreography is going to be thrown off.”

Henry Finklenstin, head of design at Discord, says Jon and Eric’s relationship is far from unique.

“We consider ourselves the number one platform for helping people creating deep, emotional bonds and support systems before being cut off cold turkey without warning,” Finklenstin said. “The closest thing someone can get to a heads up is to look at big game release schedules and predict whether or not you and your friend would both enjoy the next popular game.”

At press time Berns was seen scrolling through his steam library remembering friends tied to each game and wondering if he’d ever hear from them again.

Golden Globes to Include More Ads in Effort to Appeal to Gamers

Posted on by Matt Fresh

HOLLYWOOD — The Golden Globes are reportedly set to become more watchable for gamers this year as producers plan to jam the ceremony full of more ads than ever before.

“I saw my son watching this ceremony called ‘The Game Awards’ on his laptop. I sat with him as he just absorbed and cheered on advertisement after advertisement. The next day I saw this ‘ceremony’ had 118 million viewers so I decided right there that we need to show more ads to attract the gamer audience,” explained Golden Globes executive producer Dan Klein. “We scoured hundreds of hours of Game Awards footage to determine what about it we could emulate. First, we thought we could just get a similar host but no one in Hollywood is that big of a charisma vacuum. Once we realized that over 90% of the content was advertisements it became clear to us: Show ads, and gamers will come.”

Geoff Keighley, host and producer of The Game Awards, says he isn’t threatened by the competition.

“It’s great,” Keighley said. “Almost as great as Cool Ranch Doritos, which are available in grocery stores, pharmacies, and gas stations worldwide. The creation of the Game Awards was fueled by Mountain Dew and its many delicious flavors which can fuel all your late-night gaming sessions.”

Some filmmakers were less than pleased upon hearing the ad-heavy direction the show would take.

“I think it’s pretty disrespectful to turn what’s supposed to be a night of celebration for art and artists into a marketing event,” said Greta Gerwig before being told to wrap it up.

At press time, the Golden Globes are reportedly in talks with Christopher Nolan to speak on stage for 10 minutes about his next project which he hasn’t started yet.

Opinion: I Wish There Was a New Animal Crossing and Lockdown

Posted on by Travis Madole

I’m a simple man, with simple needs. All I really feel like I need is a roof over my head, food on my table, a fun video game, and a government mandated restriction on outdoor activity.

Removed from the fear and uncertainty surrounding COVID-19, it’s hard not to look back on a time when staying inside all day playing video games was treated as a heroic self-sacrifice with a little fondness.

Do you remember? Waking up and deciding to visit your very own tropical island? Maybe you’ll have a cheeky nip of brandy before booting up the game. What’s that? It’s 11am on a Tuesday? Luckily you don’t have anything to do today, but still, that’s not a good look. Come again? That kind of behavior is broadly socially acceptable now?

That’s right, it’s lockdown. “Self care” no longer means healthy activity, it means doing whatever it takes to get you through the day, even a bit of self medicating and watching an entire series of The Great British Bake Off without moving.

The social distance is hard, though. But how socially distanced were we, really? I was surprised on my birthday by a knock on my door. It was my best penguin friend, Aurora! She was throwing me a surprise birthday party! The squirrel Marshal was there too, what a treat!

They gifted me with clothes I already owned (it’s the thought that counts), but luckily they’d be more than happy to receive those same clothes as a regift on their birthdays.

The days of seeing a weekly live concert with my anthropomorphized animal neighbors and constructing an outdoor movie theater on my idyllic island town are fond memories in retrospect.

So I call on you, President Biden: Give everyone a bunch of money so that we’re comfortable, and make it so that we don’t have to go anywhere for a few months. Outside is a nightmare, almost everything is awful all the time right now. We need this.

Nintendo, please, enough time has passed – I wanna meet my new penguin and squirrel friends all over again.

It’s time to let us get back in touch with our inner useless slob. It’s time for heroism to mean dispassionately watching Paul Hollywood shake hands with an amateur baker. It’s time for a follow up of Animal Crossing, and another lockdown.

Gamer Damned to Roll Boulder Up Hill for Eternity Claims “It Gets Really Good After the First 100 Hours”

Posted on by Ben C

Local gamer David Jackson, 32, has reportedly reassured others his eternal damnation to roll a gargantuan boulder up Mt. Vesuvius improves dramatically after the first 100 hours.

“It’s boring, it’s a grind, and you’re constantly screaming in agony for the gods to end your suffering,” said Jackson, clearly shaking with effort to move the infinitely heavy boulder. “But then, you sorta settle into a rhythm you know? You enjoy the feeling of making progress and the grind turns into something you sort of look forward to. You really start to understand and appreciate the mechanics of putting one foot in front of the other as your muscles cry out in pain.”

According to sources close to Jackson who spoke on the condition of anonymity, he has even attempted to persuade friends into joining him in his tragic fate.

“Yeah, he kept telling us to give it a shot, he even offered to buy us our own boulders? I thought that was pretty weird but hey, the whole situation is pretty strange when you think about it,” said one of Jackson’s friends. “It doesn’t look like it’s any fun though. He’s up there for eternity trying to push that boulder and it doesn’t really look like he’s making any progress. I don’t get the appeal.”

Despite his friends differing views, Jackson does not seem deterred at all from his point of view.

“It’s like, they start rolling the boulder and keep saying that ‘it’s boring’ or ‘it’s pointless’ or ‘the gods have truly abandoned you to this hellish eternity,’” said David. “But they won’t stick around to get to the good part! Trust me, even after the first dozen hours the agonizing pain and boredom begins to dull.”

At press time, Johnson was seen taking a break from the boulder to download Death Stranding.

Luigi’s Mansion Immediately Condemned After Installation of Carbon Monoxide Detectors

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

BOO WOODS — Health and safety officials have ordered the destruction of a local residence after newly-installed devices detected dangerous levels of carbon monoxide gas, woozy sources confirm.

“Frankly, this has been a long time coming,” said Puff Bolete, local building inspector. “What with all the mysterious deaths and well-documented cases of hallucinations that have taken place inside the structure, it was obvious that something was off. I had to have my guys wear rebreathers just so they’d stop passing out as they were installing the detectors. We can’t even narrow it down to a single source or location, since the sensors were getting tripped just about everywhere: the Breaker Room, the Kitchen, that creepy hall with all of the paintings. It’ll be easiest just to tear the whole thing down.”

Some disagreed with the decision to destroy the house, including its most recent occupant.

“No! I must-a get back into that-a mansion!” said Luigi, who was unable to pass the Montreal Cognitive Assessment after spending weeks inside the dangerous building. “My brother is-a in there! He was-a kidnapped by ghosts! I have to freeze-a them with my flashlight, then suck-a them up into a big-a vacuum cleaner! Then I turn-a them into a picture! You’ve got to believe-a me; I won a contest!”

One expert criticized the building inspector’s assessment, saying that he had not given enough consideration to alternative explanations.

“I don’t know what all this hullabaloo is about ‘carbon monoxide,’ said Professor Elvin Gadd. “There’s plenty of other things that could have set off those detectors. My guess is that it was spirits messing with them. Criminy, I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole health department was actually an illusion created by King Boo himself just to convince everyone that there’s no such thing as ghosts. That would explain why they used those silly rebreathers instead of doing the logical thing and sending clones made out of goo to do their dirty work.”

At press time, local authorities had approved plans to add carbon monoxide detectors to The Last Resort hotel and several buildings in Evershade Valley.

REPORT: Maybe Other Controller Charged

Posted on by Hard Drive Reporter

LIVING ROOM – The other PS4 controller may be charged, wherever the hell it is, a desperate report confirmed today.

“You bought an extra one just for situations like these when people come over, so surely it is charged and in an easy to find location,” the report, read aloud in your mind, confirmed. “Check the charging dock, which you certainly did not forget to re-plugin after you needed an extra outlet for something else.”

Despite this report, sources on the ground later confirmed the controller in question, needed to fire up a game of Tricky Towers or Super Monkey Ball with visiting friends, was not charged.

“Perhaps you could use a wired connection,” a follow up report, issued immediately after the first was proven false, said. “Check the entertainment center, where you certainly did not forget to carefully coil and store the correct type of USB cord needed to connect your controller to the PS4.”

Sources on the ground later confirmed the cord in question was not in the correct location, calling into question the veracity of any report from this source, who seems quite worried they will be a bad host if they can’t figure this stuff out and someone has to sit to the side and watch others play Super Monkey Ball.

PlayStation device designer Mike Howard was not surprised when the context of both reports were shown to him.

“The PS4 controller was perfectly designed to slip into any small, hidden corner of our customer’s house. Under certain temperatures it can actually disappear completely,” Howard said pridefully. “Ontop of the 1-hour battery life and rubber that falls off of the right and left joysticks, we felt this was the ideal design for gamers everywhere.”

At press time, a visiting friend was seen politely using an almost-dead controller still awkwardly plugged into a charging dock.

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #933 January 8, 2024

Posted on by Michelle Pereira

Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to losing a long win streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 8.

We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned,  then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.

Already Jan 9 at your location? Try our Wordle answer page for that day instead!

 

Wordle Hint Today 933 January 8, 2024

Wordle Hint Today
Today’s Wordle Hint

Here’s a hint with the meaning of today’s Wordle answer

 

An adjective that refers to the last, concluding, or ultimate stage of a process, event, or sequence.

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter

The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“L”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter

The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“A”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Third Letter

The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“N”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today Second Letter

The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“I”

 

 

Wordle Hint Today First Letter

The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:

 

“F”

 

 

Today’s Wordle Answer

And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.

Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.

That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 512 days straight! So here goes nothing:

3…

2…

1…

The Wordle answer today is “FINAL”

 

Previous Wordle Answers With Their Definitions

Wordle Today – Answer And Hint For #932 January 7, 2024

Wordle #931 For January 6, 2024

“CABLE”

A thick insulated wire, often consisting of multiple conductors, used for transmitting electrical power or signals.

Wordle #930 For January 5, 2024

“LUNGE”

A sudden forward movement used for attack or strategic positioning.

Wordle #929 For January 4, 2024

“SCANT”

An adjective that describes something that is limited, insufficient, or barely enough in quantity, degree, or extent.

Wordle #928 For January 3, 2024

“TWIRL”

The action of rotating or spinning something around its axis or in a circular motion.

Wordle #927 For January 2, 2024

“AGING”

The process of getting older, typically associated with the passage of time.

Wordle #926 For January 1, 2024

“MURAL”

A large-scale artwork or painting that is created directly on a wall, ceiling, or other permanent surface.

Wordle #925 For December 31, 2023

“SALTY”

A taste sensation associated with the presence of salt.

Wordle #924 For December 30, 2023

“THREE”

The numerical representation of the quantity 3.

Knights of the Old Republic Remake to Appear as Force Ghost In Future Star Wars Games

Posted on by HG Punk

KARLSTAD – As conflicting reports circulate of the ‘Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic’ remake feeling a cold Embracer death, plans are in place for the game to still find its way in the hands of fans.

“The ‘KOTOR’ remake will eventually make its way to store shelves, just in the form of an appearance as a Force Ghost in other games,” revealed Mike James, an executive at Embracer Group. “At the end of our next Star Wars project, the protagonist will look to the sky and see a vision of the great Jedi players who would have been if the game had been released. It serves as closure for anyone who was a fan leading up to these events, or just anyone forcing themselves to play a David Cage game.”

Embracer’s plans for the remake are sure to ease the fears of everyone involved, especially those at Disney.

“We should have never given the Star Wars license to those white slavers,” said Rich Lucas, no relation. “We were on board, Sony was on board, then they just told us the deal was being altered. Remaking a game is as easy as writing that it was Palpatine again and they’re still tripping over their shoes. Embracer’s just giving up their will to live and killing our beloved franchise in the process. They’ve definitely gone too far in a few places,” continued Rich, until realizing that this was all on the record. “May the force be with these wonderful Star Wars products!”

Though the two companies prepared for the worst, the announcement has actually been seen as a great idea from ‘Star Wars’ fans, including fan forum moderator Jay Franklin.

“I think it’s exactly what the franchise needed to treat its most hardcore supporters,” revealed Franklin, a devout fan to the point of watching ‘Obi-Wan Kenobi’ all the way through. “Now we don’t need to wait for a game to release and play it to appreciate any deep-cut references. They must have the best Kyber crystals in the galaxy to cut out the middleman this precisely! With the future of Star Wars, I’m sure it’s all leading up to a Force Ghosts game, where you can play as ‘KOTOR’, ‘1313’, or either version of ‘Battlefront III.’”

As of press time, Embracer was answering questions about the future of other ‘KOTOR’ titles, including revealing that the evasive ‘Restored Content’ add-on for ‘Knights of the Old Republic II’ would exclusively appear as a Force Ghost to Switch players.

SEGA Announces Football Manager 2025 Just Shared Google Sheet Now

Posted on by Matt McInerney

LONDON — After teasing a complete overhaul earlier in the year, Sega subsidiary Sports Interactive has announced in a video shared on social media that Football Manager 2025 will be nothing more than a Google Sheet full of rosters, shared with gamers for a “modest fee.”

“Players have been clamoring for more customization, more tactical options, training routines, management styles, you name it. After digging into the top feature requests from Football Manager 2024, we had an epiphany. We know what fans really want: a spreadsheet,” said Nevaeh Yates, Studio Director for Sports Interactive.

“We’ve been overthinking this for years. The game’s structure was too restrictive. Our groundbreaking new version? It’s the epitome of freedom. We’re talking about a fully loaded roster in a Google Sheet, yours for just $59.99. The future is now!”

Die-hard fan Adeline Henderson is over the moon with the announcement.

“This is exactly what I’ve been dreaming of. It’s the ultimate customization! I used to pine for enhanced scouting or even just women in the game, but what I really yearned for was the raw power I could only get from building everything myself,” said Henderson.

“Now I can tweak simulation algorithms to my heart’s content, cook up custom formulas for random score generation, and let’s not forget the sheer joy of conditional formatting. It’s not just football anymore; it could be any sport I want. Baseball, Quidditch, competitive pillow fighting — the cell’s the limit!”

Dash Sawyer, a columnist for The Feature Report, loves this innovative approach.

“While the gaming world has been occupied with building ever-expanding sandboxes and big-budget blockbusters that overwork their dev teams, Football Manager has stripped it down to the bare essentials: the dopamine rush of realizing you have the highest number. They’ve effectively merged the power of simulation games with fantasy sports into a fully editable database that can power your dreams,” said Sawyer.

“Seriously, what can’t a spreadsheet do? You could be constructing a soccer roster on one tab, managing your monthly budget on another, and simultaneously tracking your Christmas list — all within the same file. Pure genius.”

At press time, EA Sports announced they “didn’t know you could do that” and hastily scrapped Madden’s franchise mode, redirecting their efforts to full-screen ads for MUT packs.

Tony Hawk Retires From Skating After Colliding With Giant Letter “K”

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

WOODLAND HILLS, Calif. — Professional skateboarder Tony Hawk announced his retirement from skateboarding after colliding with an unusually large letter “K” during a recent skating session, sources confirm.

“This is the most upsetting announcement I’ve ever had to make,” said Hawk in an X post. “My medical team says that it’s highly unlikely that I will ever skate again after a serious accident involving an enormous, hovering letter ‘K’ that occurred inside a local warehouse. I didn’t think this would happen so suddenly. I was sure I had at least one more Sick Score in me.”

Witnesses at the scene of the accident said they immediately knew it was a serious medical event.

“It was absolutely gnarly, man,” said Brett Kirby, a local skater. “This dude was in the middle of a pretty good combo. He had strung some grinds and flip tricks together before landing into a manual. The guy dropped into the pipe and built his special meter a little, when suddenly he crashed into this huge ‘K’ that was just hanging in the air up there. I hadn’t even noticed it before he splatted into it. The weirdest thing is that the dude looked just like Tony Hawk.”

Friend and fellow skater Bucky Lasek expressed guilt over the incident, saying that he felt he had goaded Hawk into doing another run.

“We had just been messing around all afternoon. You know, like a free skate, no time limit,” said Lasek. “Eventually, I challenged Tony to a round of King of the Hill, which is a game that skateboarders like us play all the time in real life. I guess he felt pressured to go big so he could make sure that he held onto the crown. That must be why he didn’t notice a gargantuan letter ‘K’ just floating in space right in front of him. It’s hard to feel like I don’t carry at least some blame, here.”

At press time, police noted that they had found a secret video tape near the scene of the crime, but could not confirm if it was related to the incident.