LOS ANGELES – Cloud Imperium Games, makers of Star Citizen, have announced a new reverse mortgage program in conjunction with their new $48,000 Ship Bundle.
“We knew there would be a segment of our fans who would love to take advantage of our new ship bundle, but might not have the capital available to do so. Which is why we are proud to announce our new reverse mortgage program,” said company spokesperson Charlie Cooper. “The beauty of reverse mortgages is they require no repayment until the resident dies, sells their house, or does not live there for more than 12 months. It’s an incredible value that I think a lot of our players will take advantage of.”
Chad Hudson, a longtime supporter and fan of the game which has been in development since 2010, missed every deadline along the way, and has raised more money than the GDP of some countries, spoke to Hard Drive about the new program.
“I was one of the first people to sign up,” Hudson said, “It’s so generous of them to offer this program to those of us who could only afford to spend $10,000 up to this point. And the best part is I never have to worry about repaying it. I don’t plan on moving, and once I’m gone they can just have the house.”
When asked how his children might feel about their familial home being surrendered to a game developer after his death, Hudson said, “My kids will get the spaceships that the reverse mortgage paid for, which seems like a much better inheritance than a house on a multi-acre lot.”
Jim Cramer, noted financial analyst and host of Mad Money, offered his own input on the new program.
“I’m very bullish on this new program,” the former hedge manager said. “Letting people borrow against their home to purchase digital goods that will only appreciate in value is a no brainer. You’d be a fool to not take advantage of this program.” When asked about Cloud Imperium Games in general, Cramer added, “It takes a really special company to raise the level of funds Cloud Imperium has without releasing any kind of finished product. Every executive I’ve ever met would kill to have that kind of blind faith from their audience.”
At press time, Chad Hudson had died following a massive heart attack, and a group of Cloud Imperium interns was seen loading his possessions into a U-Haul van.
Gamers eagerly awaiting release of the forever-in-development space sim ‘Star Citizen’ will be happy to hear they can now own every ship, mod, and upgrade in the “upcoming” game by purchasing the “Legatus 2953” package, available at the cost of $48,000 and your last shred of dignity.
“You have to be a member of the Chairman’s Club first,” said Mason Foster, a devoted Star Citizen fan in charge of banning anyone from the subreddit who questions the developers. “That means you have to spend over $1,000 before you can even think about buying it, which I have. My grandma died and left me a big inheritance. My wife thinks I should’ve paid off our mortgage or started a college fund for our infant daughter, but this is the surer bet. I’m not worried. She’ll see. When the game comes out and blows everyone away, then she’ll see.”
Despite over a decade of development and $700 million in crowdfunded dollars, Star Citizen has yet to have an actual release date. Oddly, this has not kept Star Citizen from amassing a rather sizable following of loyal fans, eager to defend the game from any and all criticism.
“Our elite space-faring high rollers can experience the ultimate Star Citizen experience by buying this DLC that is priced similar to a mid-sized sedan,” said Chris Roberts, the director of Star Citizen, atop a human-furniture throne of supporters. “Inside the office we call these guys the Space Juggalos. We have a little clown nose honking noise that goes off whenever anyone buys a ship and we just laugh.”
According to reports, the “Legatus 2953” Package DLC cannot be purchased with just a credit card. Customers must also upload a 30 minute video of themselves crawling around on all fours and oinking like the filthy little pay pigs they are.
“Oink, oink,” said Foster, reenacting his video despite his crying wife repeatedly asking him to stop. “Sweeee!”
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to ending a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 11.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
An adjective that means lasting for a short duration, being concise, or not taking a long time.
A noun that means a concise written or oral statement that summarizes the main points or arguments of a case, document, or presentation.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“F”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“I”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“B”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 400 days straight! So here goes nothing:
EGG HARBOR TOWNSHIP, N.J. — Seasonal retailer Spirit Halloween recently announced that they provided all costumes and wardrobe for Sony Pictures’ upcoming superhero film, Madame Web.
“We can’t put into words how excited we at Spirit Halloween are for this partnership,” said Adriana Compton, a spokesperson for the costume retailer. “It’s a form of product integration that we’ve previously only dreamed about. Sure, we’ve licensed the likenesses and images of superheroes and produced imitations before, but it always gets bogged down in red tape. Our experience with Madame Web was much more efficient. We designed the outfits, sent the patterns to our tailors overseas who made a million units of each one, and mailed a box with a couple dozen costumes to the set. We make sure to pack a few extra for when— I mean, if they rip. The rest sit in our warehouses until October.”
Dakota Johnson, who portrays the titular Web, commented on the experience.
“I certainly have some experience with unique wardrobe situations,” said Johnson, referring to her turn in the Fifty Shades franchise. “I definitely wasn’t sure about the costume during the fittings, or even when we were shooting. The strings down the back that tied it shut were always swinging around and distracting me. Plus, on cold nights, they made us all wear coats over our costumes. I didn’t know how it would look on camera. But when I got that first glimpse of the full bodysuit on that bottle of Ocean Spray from China, I knew the producers had made the right call.”
Film historian and Oscar voter Daniel Moses related the story to other films that used unique production vendors.
“Well, sci-fi works have been using literal toys as props for years,” said Moses. “‘Star Wars,’ ‘Star Trek,’ ‘Doctor Who,’ and a bunch of others. When you’re watching an episode of ‘The Mandalorian,’ only about five percent of that is real, live action footage. The rest is just toys. If you look closely, you can see the hands bashing them together. I mean, that’s the point of the show — that’s what they’re trying to sell. Why wouldn’t they put the toys front and center?”
At press time, Spirit had entered a bidding war with Party City for the contract to dress Sony’s next Spider-man adjacent production, Kraven the Hunter.
GIBRALTAR — Sources from within Overwatch and Talon have reported that genius astrophysicist and tank hero Siebren de Kuiper, better known as Sigma, has been utilizing his godlike powers of gravity manipulation mostly to throw big rocks over and over.
“I can’t help but feel like he isn’t using his powers to their fullest potential,” said Overwatch member Winston. “He has the ability to literally manipulate gravity. He could reverse gravity and send us all flying off into space. He could increase my gravity density and turn me into a black hole that will swallow up and spaghettify all life on Earth. The possibilities are endless, yet he seems content to simply gather up a bunch of rocks into one big rock and throw it at my face.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m grateful that that’s pretty much all he does, but I can’t help but wonder why. I mean, you don’t need to have superpowers to throw a big rock. Mauga, Reinhart, Roadhog, I can think of several people who can easily do what Sigma does, and they don’t have superpowers. Just muscles.”
This quirk has not only been pointed out by Sigma’s rivals. It seems that his allies have taken notice as well.
“Sigma’s peculiarities in using his abilities has been rather disappointing,” said Moira O’Deorain, controversial geneticist associated with Sigma. “I had hoped his madness would give him more creativity in the utilization of a power as great as bending the force of gravity to one’s own will, but it seems my hopes have been misplaced. Instead, he throws rocks. Annoyingly, it stops my ult, but he is capable of so much more. Right now he is but another tank, easily countered by Symmetra or Zarya. It seems I have much work left to do.”
Hard Drive reached out to Sigma for comment.
“There is no obligation for the universe to make sense to you,” said Sigma. “The universe is singing to me. Can you hear it?”
Sigma then spent the next thirty minutes humming a tune and rambling in Dutch, until we simply hung up the phone.
ATLANTA — TSA members at Hartsfield Airport arrested an over enthusiastic Deep Rock Galactic player on the morning of November 20th, according to local eyewitness reports.
“He’s a maniac. Had a 3D-printed pickaxe in hand, kept holding it up in the air and shouting ‘ROCK AND STONE!’ Finally got him to calm down and go through the line. Convinced him the ‘drop pod’ was on the other side, whatever the hell that means,” said one exhausted TSA employee. “Thought everything would be fine, but my buddy Tim decided to ask this guy if he was on anything, like mushrooms. The guy’s eyes went wide, and he just went berserk. ‘MUSHROOM,’ he started screaming, over and over.”
At this point, TSA employees attempted to apprehend the DRG-enthused individual. He dodged out of the way of a grapple, though.
“I actually got bruised pretty bad,” grunted another TSA professional. “Dove after him and he leapt away, like he had eyes in the back of his head. He finally stopped screaming about mushrooms, but it was only after his eyes landed on some unattended baggage outside one of the restrooms. He hefted it into the air and screamed something like, ‘WE’RE RICH!’ Took us another ten minutes to actually get him on the ground, and by then the police had arrived.”
This event was not without victims. Before the authorities could apprehend him, the “Deep Rock Fanatic,” as he is beginning to be known, targeted Terrence Middlesboro, a tall and elderly man preparing to board a plane to New York.
“I have a business meeting in New York in a few days. Thought I’d get a few extra days in the trip, explore the city. I was walking towards my terminal when, without any warning or provocation, I felt something huge barrel into me from behind,” said Middlesboro in an interview after the assault. “I don’t know how strong this guy is, but apparently he slammed his pickaxe into my back, just above my hip. He shouted about using his ‘power attack,’ I think. I went flying, but I’m not seriously injured or anything. I told the officers I don’t want to press charges. The guy is clearly not well. I think they’re taking him in on a drug charge anyway.”
Shortly after assaulting Middlesboro, the “Deep Rock Fanatic” was finally taken into custody by a small army of airport security and police officers. Before he could be removed from the premises, multiple witnesses report hearing the man shout, “I knew I should have picked Iron Will!”
EL SEGUNDO — Surprise 2023 hit Dave the Diver’s 23andMe profile has been released to the public, confirming the game is in fact partially of indie game descent. Our sources close to multi-billion dollar indie developer Mintrocket confirmed the authenticity of the profile.
“We’ve got that ‘indie feel’ both in the way Dave [sic] plays and in the way our developers wonder if they’ll have a job tomorrow. With these latest findings, it’s safe to say Dave the Diver is heading for indie game royalty,” said Taylor Kim, a VP at Mintrocket’s parent company. “I don’t believe our success is due to the millions we spent on marketing or the size of the team. I think what it all comes down to is people wanting to be on the ground floor in support of a small indie game.”
Some of the dev team at Mintrocket took to social media to celebrate the game’s newly confirmed lineage.
“My mom would talk for hours about this ancient game called Diner Dash. Looking back, it’s crazy that our game shares so much DNA with this game I’ve only ever heard of,” wrote an intern at Mintrocket.
“Stardew Valley was a direct influence to Dave the Diver, but now that I know we’re related I feel so much closer to Concernedape. To know we faced the same development challenges and limitations just really puts it all into perspective.”
Not everyone was excited by the news. Some in the games industry took to the web to call out Dave the Diver for its new “Pretindie Game” status.
“If it were truly an indie game, there’d be an insufferable personality behind it that we all love to hate, like a Phil Fish or a Johnathan Blow,” said one video game podcaster. “We would also not buy it until it hit “hidden gem” status ten years after release.”
At press time, leaders at Nexon announced sweeping layoffs at Mintrocket following their indie darling’s massive success.
Fantasy worlds wouldn’t be complete without distinct non-player characters — all possessing their own unique backstory, personality and related accents. It adds essential flavor to any RPG adventure.
Unfortunately, your well-meaning but talentless Dungeon Master Nick literally can’t do anything except his own standard Northeastern American. That, however, hasn’t stopped him trying. And trying. And trying.
1. Posh British
Noblemen in your DM’s universe are supposed to possess the perfect BBC-anchor-pronunciation of King Charles, but in Nick’s mouth end up sounding like that one cousin of yours who used to live in South Carolina, now works in New York, and recently sustained a head injury.
2. Pirate
Your adventures sailing off the coast of your DM’s harbor capital saw you quickly beset by sirens, merfolk, and even a kraken — but it was your encounter with Nick’s pirate voice that was somehow the most scary. Sounded like a valley girl accent with some “Avast!”s thrown in.
3. Geoff Keighley
In a rather strange turn of events your DM started rapid fire listing off video games titles before shouting about a world premiere advertisement. Hard to understand how it was part of the story – and sounded nothing like the real Geoff.
4. Cockney
The seedy underbelly of the sprawling city of “Grout” is full of crime bosses, pickpockets and bar wenches, who in a TV adaptation would surely sound like they were straight out of a production of Oliver Twist. Unfortunately, your DM’s NPCs sound more like they’ve come straight out of the bayou, which would be impressive if it was anything like what he was going for.
5. Northern English
Game of Thrones made everyone think they could do a decent Jon Snow impression, to the detriment of D&D campaigns everywhere. Now every hardened soldier you come across in Nick’s high-fantasy world comes paired alongside his tortured attempt to sound just like they do at Winterfell. But weirdly high-pitched, for some reason.
6. Jerma
For deep lore reasons that you’re yet to uncover, dwarves in your DM’s fantasy world all ostensibly speak like streamer Jerma985. Except they don’t, because Nick can’t grasp the subtleties of Jerma’s fair-weather Boston accent, so important NPCs like Mayor Dolk Thunderhammer instead sound like Kennedys who’ve taken too many quaaludes.
7. Eastern European
Meeting Minsc and Jaheira in Baldur’s Gate 3 inspired your DM to add a new accent to his repertoire, much to your party’s general irritation. Sultry women who should probably sound like sexy Russian spies end up more like angry German border guards, making your Wisdom saves against their “Charm Person” spells feel really unfair.
8. Hittite
Nick explained that because no-one knows exactly what an ancient Hittite from 1600 BC would have sounded like speaking modern English, he would have to use academic articles and a smidge of guesswork to work it out. So why have they ended up sounding like they come from East Baltimore?
9. Scottish
Why you’d choose to create a whole city filled with people who have an accent you can’t do is anyone’s guess, but it certainly made the five session arc in Glasgoburgh a more torturous experience than it needed to be. At least he added in a couple of “Och, aye!”s and quotes from Shrek so it was clear what he was trying to do.
10. Medieval Peasant
If authentic Middle English was too hard, the gentle people who work the land of your DM’s world could feasibly have sounded like rural New Englanders, or perhaps Southern with a couple of “thee”s and “thou”s thrown in. But no — whatever accent Nick was trying to do to bring these simple people to life, they’ve ended up Jamaican. And you can’t even call him out, because you know it’s not intentional.
11. Spanish
The daring swordsman NPC who joined your party on a quest to steal a priceless artifact had more than a hint of Inigo Montoya about him — but he sounded more like Gilbert Gottfried with a lisp. Your party had to pretend they were laughing at a meme they all coincidentally remembered at exactly the same time he spoke.
12. Australian
Nick refuses to leave the Australians out of his sprawling fantasy world, though it would probably be a mercy if he did. It’s the only one he’s remotely self-conscious about, because he worries sometimes that it sounds a bit too New Zealand. If it ever sounds like either, you’ll be sure to let him know.
13. Wilhelm Scream
No, it’s not strictly an accent, but Nick did it once and then asked if you ‘got the reference’. Then he did it again. You asked if it was from porn. He said it was a famous movie sound effect called the ‘Dilbert scream’. You asked, ‘What, like Scott Adams’ comic?’. Then he sighed and told you to roll for initiative.
14. His Own
Just last month, outside a brothel that doubled as a board game cafe, you met a mysterious Level 20 Human Bard called ‘Mick’ who purportedly liked to weave fantastical tales for his friends. Nick couldn’t stop giggling about his clever self-insert, but you didn’t understand what was going on, because his impression of himself was so far off the mark that you and everyone else genuinely thought it was an offensive caricature of one of the player’s moms. Anyway, that party member beat a 35 AC to bludgeon ‘Mick’ to death and the campaign has been paused since.
Wordle can be an unforgiving puzzle sometimes, and you can often come so close to losing a long winning streak. So, for your convenience, here are some hints as well as the answer for the Wordle today Jan 10.
We present Wordle clues here in a variety of ways to gently help you along, but if you just want the answer straight, spoilers be damned, then scroll all the way down to the section titled Today’s Wordle Answer.
The action of propelling something through the air with force, usually by hand; past tense.
Wordle Hint Today Fifth Letter
The fifth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“W”
Wordle Hint Today Fourth Letter
The fourth letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“E”
Wordle Hint Today Third Letter
The third letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“R”
Wordle Hint Today Second Letter
The second letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“H”
Wordle Hint Today First Letter
The first letter for the Wordle answer today is:
“T”
Today’s Wordle Answer
And finally, here is the Wordle answer today. While this is your last chance to turn back, don’t feel bad about having to look it up.
Sometimes you have just one last chance to solve the puzzle, but three different letters that could viably fit into that last remaining square. At other times the word is so obscure, you just would not have gotten it without having in-depth knowledge about some oddly specific subject.
That’s no reason to lose a streak you have kept going for 400 days straight! So here goes nothing:
TAMPA, FLORIDA — In a surprising lateral career move, famous YouTuber-theorist Matthew “MatPat” Patrick has officially signed a three-year deal with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to be their starting quarterback. This comes only moments after a surprise retirement announcement, leaving fans of football and Undertale alike surprised and searching for meaning.
“I don’t want to shy away from the fact that I have a legacy,” says MatPat.
“I’ve got a long career behind me, but I can assure you that I have an even longer one ahead of me. I’m a specialist in building dynasties – possibly the greatest ever … I don’t see any difference between making over 50 Five Nights at Freddy’s fan theories and being a Super Bowl ready quarterback. They ask of me the same thing: courage.”
MatPat, 37, claims that his retirement announcements were sincere, and that there were legitimate plans in place for him to “settle down and finally play some age-appropriate games, like CS2 or Rainbow Six: Siege.”
As he wept tears and declared himself his fan’s ‘grandpa’, it seemed like it was really the end for the GOAT theorist.
But Jason Licht, Buccaneers GM, says that he had to jump on the opportunity:
“We’ve wanted to pick that boy up from the start. My kids have known about him for years, and the Bucs are always looking for new ways to improve. When it got to us that Matthew was retiring, my scouts got right to it,” Licht said while brushing up on all of Matpat’s videos, or game tape.
“He might not be as experienced, but there’s just no way to teach the intangibles. There isn’t a single quarterback in the league with the balls to say that Sans Undertale is also, somehow, Ness from Earthbound. That confidence is the difference-maker we need.”
At press time The Game Theorists uploaded a 25 minute in depth theory video about how all the clues to this signing were in Matpat’s ‘retirement’ video.
