CARBONDALE, Ill. — Witnesses were confused upon noticing that the sign displayed by a protester outside a local Planned Parenthood contained an image of the bloody fetus from cancelled 2014 survival horror teaser “P.T.”, sources report.
“I got here for my appointment, and of course there were protesters standing outside,” said patient Janice Kolinsky. “At first, I was intimidated by them because they were getting in my face, but then I saw the sink baby from ‘P.T.’ on one of their signs and it reminded me of when I played that game. I was scared then, too, but I kept going. That gave me the courage to push through them and into the building. I’m not sure why that person used that image, but I’m weirdly grateful that they did.”
Bystander Zack Van Arstin reacted to the sign.
“I always wondered where these idiots get the pictures for their signs,” Van Arstin said. “I mean, I get that they probably don’t play video games and wouldn’t be familiar with that character, but can’t they at least tell that the image is obviously computer-generated? They didn’t even have the good sense to use an AI image creator. Just looking at it is making me sad, but only because I never got to play the ‘Silent Hill’ installment that it’s from. I guess I’ll just go home and replay ‘P.T.’”
Sociologist Fiona Martinez has seen this before.
“People who protest outside abortion clinics are unable to grasp the concept of bodily autonomy, so what makes you think they’re capable of making a logical sign?” Martinez noted. “And this isn’t even the most ridiculous one I’ve come across in my case studies. That would have to go to the sign with the image of Sam and the Bridge Baby from ‘Death Stranding’ above the caption ‘Real Men Raise Their Children’. Their stupidity would almost be endearing if they weren’t harassing people who are just trying to receive medical care.”
At press time, another protester was seen displaying an image of the ghost Lisa from “P.T.” with the caption ‘I Regret My Abortion’.
NEW YORK — One of the iconic Pizza Hut locations from 1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game has officially been transformed into a Chase Bank, disappointed sources confirm.
“We’ve just never had a tenable business model in this location,” former owner Dolores Hutchins lamented. “The Ninja Turtles are constantly walking left to right in front of the shop while fighting a constant stream of anonymous Foot Clan members. We’ve even had several instances of the bad guys setting fire to the interior of our restaurant before storming out to attack the Turtles. Customers have been afraid to step foot in this part of town, let alone enter a business that’s being terrorized by a gang of hoodlum teenagers. I honestly wish the best for this Chase Bank, but I can’t imagine they’re going to have better luck.”
Ninja Turtle Michelangelo was crestfallen at the news.
“What a total bummer, dude!” Michelangelo despaired. “Do you know how hungry I get from repeatedly flipping in the air before sharply turning downward in a gravity-defying kick, over and over again? Not to mention how much it takes out of me to get constantly punched by these Foot Clan geeks. I would always go back after defeating Rocksteady in April’s office to grab a pizza WITHOUT anchovies before heading out to the next stage. What am I going to do now, make a bank deposit?”
Video game expert Pamela Whitmore has seen this before.
“Businesses in video games are just as susceptible to market woes as they are in real life,” Whitmore explained. “Burger Shot in the Grand Theft Auto games almost went out of business when they refused to provide a plant-based alternative in Los Santos, and Umbrella Corporation is currently undergoing massive layoffs because of all the cuts to science we’re seeing under the Trump administration. We like to think of video games as an escape from reality, but unfortunately there’s no release from the capitalistic hell we’re subjected to on a daily basis.”
At press time, the Chase Bank had to close after Raphael threw a mouser through the front window.
Welcome back to “Game Night,” Hard Drive’s theoretically weekly column about independently-made video games. I didn’t mean to take quite so much time off from the column, but I had a medical misadventure at the end of July that’s taken up much of my month.
My plan beforehand had been to cover Vincent Adinolfi’s Heartworm, which has been on my radar for quite a while now. It’s the latest indie game that deliberately tries to recapture the tone and feel of survival horror’s classic era, with a particular dedication to the visual potential of fixed camera angles.
Now that I’ve played through the entirety of Heartworm, however, it strikes me as a misnomer to call it a survival horror game at all. It’s got a few decent scares across its 4- to 6-hour running time, but at its core it’s a story about grief, depression, and the mounting power of everyday traumas. It might be more accurate to call it “surrealist melancholy” than anything else, or maybe just a New Weird psychological thriller.
You play Heartworm as Sam, a photographer in her early 20s who’s struggling with grief. She reads about an urban legend on the early Internet, about a nearby abandoned house with a room somewhere inside that connects to the afterlife. If you find that room, the legend says, you can have one last conversation with the people you’ve lost. On the other hand, no one who’s ever gone in search of that room has ever returned.
When Sam finds that room, it leads her to a place that mixes nightmare imagery with her own childhood memories, including the house where she grew up. The only other people here are hostile electronic ghosts and a monster that occasionally appears to try and kill her. With her camera serving as a makeshift weapon, Sam has to fight through a twisted version of her own life in search of a way back to the real world.
To some extent, Heartworm reminds me of several of the imitative survival horror games that came out between 1996 and 2001 or so, after the success of the original Resident Evil. It feels stripped down and subdued by comparison to much of the rest of the genre, both then and now, with no gore to speak of and only a relative handful of weapons, puzzles, enemies, and bosses.
The big difference between Heartworm and other games in its lane is the degree to which it’s specifically about Sam. I’ve ended up playing a lot of surreal psychological thrillers in the last few years, including a few games that didn’t start out that way (shout-out to Endflame’s Ikai), and most of them tend to be the kind of zero-conflict adventure game that many people will write off as a “walking simulator.”
Heartworm by comparison takes most of its mechanics from classic survival horror, such as strange puzzles, resource conservation, and slightly awkward combat. It’s generous enough with film and first aid kits that any veteran of the genre won’t have much trouble staying alive, but a few of the puzzles are tricky.
More importantly, Heartworm maintains a careful focus throughout its runtime. There is no part of the overall experience that isn’t about Sam in one way or another, whether it’s a memory, a flashback, or an attack against one of her specific points of vulnerability.
Playing Heartworm let me put a finger on something that’s occasionally bothered me about horror games. Many of them, even some that are considered classics of the genre, will simply toss in some surreal imagery whenever the pace starts to flag. If nothing’s happened in a couple of minutes, then it’s time to have a couple of random jump scares or throw in a bunch of ominous mannequins or hold a game show in the elevator or something. You can get some impact from that, sure, but that same randomness ends up feeling like it’s watering down the whole. Heartworm, by comparison, stays focused on Sam from start to finish, which works to its benefit.
That being said, Heartworm is also a solo project from a new developer, so it’s got a few different points of irritation. It’s easy to get stunlocked if you try to fight more than one enemy at once, since Sam goes flying if she gets hit by almost anything; the in-game map isn’t as helpful as it could be; and a few of the puzzles have strange or inadequately explained solutions. If you’re interested in picking this up, you’ll want to grade it on a curve. Any survival horror die-hard has absolutely played and enjoyed worse games than this, but it’s got its share of weak spots.
Heartworm has a lot of potential as an anthology series. A room somewhere in America that draws in people who need to speak to the dead is a killer premise, and you could easily make a dozen more of these games, each built around a new character with their own reason to seek out the house.
On its own merits, Heartworm is slower-paced and more downbeat than the average survival horror game, and it’s not the sort of thing you’ll want to play if you’re not currently up for a guided tour through someone else’s depression. If you’re into surreal art or strange horror, however, it’s well worth taking a run through Heartworm.
[Heartworm, developed by Vincent Adinolfi and published by DreadXP, is now available for PC, Mac, and Linux for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a DreadXP representative.]
HOLLYWOOD, CA. — News broke this morning on President Trump’s Truth Social account that the Trump Administration has officially hired famed Hollywood actor, Chris Pratt, to be the new voice of RFK Jr.
“HUGE NEWS! HOLLYWOOD’S SEXIEST CHRIS (PRATT) (NO HOMO!) WILL NOW BE THE NEW VOICE OF OUR MAHA LEADER BOBBY KENNEDY! BOBBY IS A GREAT MAN BUT AWFUL VOICE! LISTENING TO HIM MAKES MY EARS HURT MORE THAN WHEN THEY GOT SHOT! OUCH! TO MAKE AMERICA HEALTHY AGAIN YOU HAVE TO SOUND HEALTHY! THAT’S WHY WE GOT CHRIS (NO LONGER FAT) PRATT TO GIVE BOB THE VOICE HE DESERVES! THANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION TO THIS MATTER,” truthed President Trump.
The news was surprising to hear for many Americans around the country, but Pratt, himself, explained to reporters why he insisted on taking this iconic role.
“As we all know, I wasn’t always the healthiest man. So, this is a role that speaks to me personally. I can now be a real-life Star Lord and help others on their health journeys. Now, my voice can be the one to teach people that vaccines are actually just the sperm of Satan, that rubbing sterile goat urine on your body will de-age a person’s skin, and by drinking ample amounts of raw milk mixed with blended raw dog testicles, you’ll lose as much weight as I did before joining Marvel.”
There are still questions as to whether or not this casting will make serious changes to Americans’ health. But one American, in particular, has high hopes for a brighter future ahead.
“This new voice casting is going to save my marriage,” exclaimed actress Cheryl Hines, wife of Robert F. Kennedy Jr. “It has been a long eleven years. He’s cheated on me, he wears his jeans to bed, he’s eaten almost all of our pets. And that voice! You know what’s more dead than the worm in his head? My libido. But having a voice like Chris Pratt replacing my husband’s could fix all of our problems! Yes, it won’t change the COVID-denying, measles-loving ass that he is. But at least he’ll sound sexier. Although, I still wish they could have gotten Hemsworth.”
At press time, Chris Pratt was seen entering the Department of Health, gargling narwhal blood to warm up his vocal cords for the day’s work ahead.
SAN FRANCISCO — In a monumental win for workers at Rock the Boat Studios, the Boat Rockers’ Guild, a union made up of over 100 workers across multiple job titles, successfully negotiated to shorten their work week from ten days to nine days. Boat Rocker President and lead negotiator for the guild, Dean Williams, shared the details of the new deal in a video to guild members.
“With this new deal, developers, artists, QA testers, and so many more get one step closer to achieving a healthy work-life balance,” WIlliams shared, as uproarous cheers rang through the offices of Rock the Boat. “Those looking to spend more time with family have that option now. Those looking to start a family…I would hold off on that for a bit. Our demands for longer paternity leave periods were stopped at the gate. But onward we go!”
The new contract comes after a month-long walkout that halted all work on Rock the Boat’s upcoming real-time strategy game WaveStorm, which is supposed to be the big return of the genre. The game’s development has been harrowing for workers. Long hours, poor work conditions, and online backlash to decisions made in the game’s development have had many workers considering a career change.
“Studio leadership heard your concerns and they were ready to throw out all the stops, besides parental leave, to help improve morale and make this a happy family,” Williams said, as he held up a pillow and a gun. “All workers will have a pillow supplied to them. This is for sleeping under the desk when you WANT to stay late and work toward our fast approaching deadlines. They have also agreed to allow workers the opportunity to take paid time off to kill one angry gamer. That’s what the gun is for.”
CEO and founder of Rock the Boat, George “Boat Smasher” Quine, spoke to press after the announcement.
“They’re just so mean. I give and give and give and they just take and take and take. Why are they so mean to me,” Quine asked in tears and snot bubbles as he rocked back and forth on his office couch while craddling a large bag of money. “I just want to make money and eat caviar and hang out with other cool rich people on their cool big boats and scheme together to control and overthrow governments, and these stupid poors hassle me for time off to go take care of their dumb poor kids. This is all just too much.”
At press time Quine soloed a plate of caviar while Googling “How to Replace Workforce with AI Free Online”.
WASHINGTON — In a major blow to American healthcare United States Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has announced that all Phoenix Down development in the country will be discontinued.
“There is simply no science that proves Phoenix Downs provide any health benefits to users. It’s a dangerous pseudoscience that endangers our youth,” said RFK Jr. while holding a press conference to show off how much raw milk he could chug. “We simply cannot allow our citizens to put these dangerous feathers in their bodies. Who knows what kind of toxins it brings. Sure, there are a small minority of people, namely fallen party members, who need Phoenix Down to live but if you don’t know a White Mage who can cast Life then you are weak and there is no use for you in this life. Not in this country at least.”
Health experts warn that this could be catastrophic in the long term.
“Without Phoenix Downs to bring people back to life, healers will be quickly overwhelmed by requests to use high level spells like Curaga and Life more frequently. There’s only so much MP to use and so inevitably many people will be left to die,” said former High Summoner of Spira Lady Yuna. “What RFK Jr. is doing is dangerous for everyone. He’s the most evil thing I’ve ever encountered and that includes Sin.”
Not all were upset with the announcement.
“RFK has the health of the people in mind and he should be applauded for that,” said Rufus Shinra, President of the Shinra Electric Power Company. “With his leadership and the discontinuation of Phoenix Downs this country will grow stronger. The weak will be culled as they should, the mako will flow and our profits will grow high.”
At press time, RFK Jr. was seen dragging a Chocobo carcass into his trunk.
CHICAGO — A seemingly harmless spider climbing up the wall of a local man’s apartment has been revealed to be a mini-boss with a massive health bar, arachnophobic sources confirm.
“I get spiders in my apartment from time to time, but never like this,” said apartment resident Shawn Johnson, 28. “I went to squash it with a flip-flop like usual, next thing I know I’m hearing Dark Orchestral music and seeing this big-ass health bar. I was even frozen in place for a second while it did a short, unskippable cinematic.”
The spider was eager to share its motivation and backstory just before the battle began.
“For eons without number, my kin and I have defended this, our ancestral home,” claimed Arachnyll, Scourge of the Dark. “All ye who enter upon this hallowed studio, feel the hate that burns within me, for it is deep and insatiable. Your pathetic life will meet its immediate end, and in your carcass I shall hatch a new generation of guardians.”
Local exterminator Liz Probst was quick to share with us her advice for dealing with pesky ancient eldritch vermin.
“Yeah, I see this kind of thing all the time,” said Probst, 43. “Arachnyll’s a tricky one, but that don’t mean he can’t be beat. His bite attack is easy enough to parry, but you’re gonna have to dodge the lunge attacks. Phase 2 is when he starts spraying venom, and that shit can be deadly. Overall, though, you can just stay right up under his ass and slash like there’s no tomorrow, and he’ll be dead soon enough. If it helps, you can also throw a trap down to chip away some health before the fight even starts, but personally I’d just go for it.”
At press time, the slain spider has dropped a rare greatsword and those keys you lost.
KAME HOUSE — An investigation by KBC News has revealed troubling connections between Earth’s most celebrated hero Son Goku and notorious pervert Master Roshi, a hermit who lives alone on a secluded island supposedly training children in martial arts.
“I don’t really know the guy. He didn’t teach me the Kamehameha. I learned it myself. I’m the best at Kamehameha. People say they’ve never seen a Kamehameha as good as mine,” Goku, who is also known by the alias Kakarot, said at a press conference, while doing 1,000 push-ups. “A lot of people trained me, okay? We’ve got people from all over the universe begging to train me. Great people. Some bald. Some cats. Some green. Some even black actually, very black. No one gives me credit for that one. I don’t remember them all. There could’ve been the bald one. Frankly, I don’t associate with them. I just train. Everyone knows that. I’m the best at training.”
The statement directly contradicts decades of evidence obtained by ZTV.
“We have literal footage of Goku living at Roshi’s home as a child, being gifted the iconic Flying Nimbus from him, and literally naming him as his martial arts master in five separate world tournaments,” ZTV investigative reporter. “I am not saying Goku did anything inappropriate but the revelations stem from a newly unsealed capsule log detailing Roshi’s long history of sexual misconduct that includes rampant voyeurism, unsolicited groping, and distributing pornography to minors. Most of which Goku was either present or aware of.”
Master Roshi refused to comment to journalists about these allegations, but released a statement via his podcast The Kame-Kast.
“This is just another cancel-culture witch hunt, plain and simple. You can’t even compliment a woman’s voluptuous… aura anymore without some woke kai telling you it’s predatory. Some women like compliments,” Master Roshi said as his nostrils erupted in a profuse nosebleed. “If women don’t want to get cat-called, they shouldn’t be dressing up in revealing bunny costumes and bikinis all the time. Back in my day, a man could ogle girly books and watch work-out videos without people calling him a creep! Goku has gone soft, this planet’s gotten soft. ”
At press time, Goku Instant Transmissioned away when confronted by reporters about the travel logs of Roshi’s sea turtle associate, Umigame.
ANIMAL VILLAGE — Nook Inc. announced this week that they would be initiating a review of Blathers Museum after CEO Tom Nook complained that it wasn’t painting island history positively enough.
“Blathers Museum is OUT OF CONTROL,” wrote Nook in a late night tirade on social media. “It is fixated on nothing but BUGS and FOSSILS. Nothing about success, nothing about brightness. Nothing about how I built this place to what it is now through generous loans and forced labor of the minority human population. We’re not going to allow this and I have instructed my sons to go through the museum and ensure it’s exhibits paint the version of history I deem acceptable. This Island cannot be WOKE, because WOKE IS BROKE. We have the ‘HOTTEST’ Island in the World, and we want people to talk about it, including in our Museums.”
Nook’s sons Timmy and Tommy have outlined the process by which they will restructure the museum.
“We’re gonna do just like dad told us. We’re gonna go through the museum and get rid of anything that is a bug or fossil and replace it with an exhibit about how great dad is,” the pair said in complete tandem. “The villagers need to know about the glory that our father has brought to this island. If it wasn’t for him, that human wouldn’t have even done any of the work building the village and getting villagers to move in. He made this island great and that’s more important than bugs. But if Blathers wants to keep some bug exhibits up then he can buy them back from Nook Inc for a perfectly reasonable amount of Bells.”
Museum owner Blathers hit back against Nook’s crusade.
“This attempt by Tom Nook and his cronies to paper over an important part of island history is a disservice to everyone on this island. The villagers deserve to know about the bugs and fossils that inhabit their home. I mean, what’s more important than bugs and fossils? Sanitizing this museum to prop up Tom Nook’s fragile ego is the worst thing that has happened to this island since a bunch of villagers disappeared because the owner found them undesirable.”
At press time, Nook Inc has already started work on it’s revisionist exhibits, changing the Sea Bass exhibit to C+.
My fellow fans of quality video game satire, I have devastating news. Hell hath frozen over. Hollow Knight: Silksong is releasing on September 4, putting a definitive end to jokes about Silksong never coming out. I repeat: oneofourmostenduringrunningjokes is dead. May all our clown gifs rest in power.
Video game comedy (and maybe the regular, non-video game kind, I wouldn’t know) is hard. It takes a lot of work to craft an observation that’s equal parts funny, insightful, unexpected, and about video games. But no matter how much this crazy world around us changes, anyone wanting to make jokes about video games on the Internet could always rely on two eternal truths: It would be funny if the mushrooms Mario ate were really drugs, and there’s one game that’s just taking forever to come out, man. In 1998, the second Penny Arcade strip ever was about how Daikatana hadn’t released yet, and the world of dumb jokes about video games hasn’t been the same ever since.
I still remember the halcyon days when video game humor was an industry in its own right. There were countless websites about it. Some of them were even funny. And hundreds of good hard-working writers, actors, artists, and animators could count on gainful employment, all because Duke Nukem Forever still hadn’t come out. I mean, what’s the deal with that? I haven’t actually looked at the data to confirm it, but I can confidently say for a fact that every single person who made a joke about Duke Nukem Forever back then became a billionaire afterwards. Then Duke Nukem Forever came out (in case you forgot, which is likely) and the market was ruined. What were all the people whose livelihood depended on that joke supposed to do? Make different jokes? It was hopeless.
We thought The Last Guardian jokes could fill the void, but then that had to come out and ruin everything too. Silksong seemed to be our new savior, and for a lot of us it still feels like it is. The shock takes time to process. Some of us are already turning to The Elder Scrolls VI as the new heir to The Joke, but personally I have my doubts. We’ll be waiting for that one a long time to come, for sure, but it’s a Bethesda game. The well of jokes about it never coming out will eventually run dry, even if the well of jokes about it being a bland buggy mess won’t.
No, in these dark times of video games actually releasing, we need to turn to the old reliable. It’s the cliche pick, true, but if we didn’t like cliches we wouldn’t be making this joke. No matter what happens, we can always sleep soundly knowing that Half-Life 3 will never come out. People have been waiting on the next chapter of Gordon Freeman’s story in one way or another for 18 years now. The wait for this game can legally buy tobacco! Now that’s the kind of not releasing you can hang your hat on.
I’m sure some Doubting Debbies are already prepared to tell me I’m wrong, and that there are all kinds of hints of Half-Life 3’s imminent release just around the corner. After all, we’re talking about Valve here. They may take a long time, but they always come through on their promises in the end. Once they’ve finished doing regular updates for the first Left 4 Dead, item trading for Portal 2, a moonbase map for Team Fortress 2, the Great Confluence event for Dota 2, the million-dollar tournament for Artifact, and the second season of Dota Underlords that they also said they’ll do, they might get started on Half-Life 3 right away.
Well, if by some horrible stroke of fate the worst-case scenario happens and Half-Life 3 some day actually releases, we’ll always not have Beyond Good and Evil 2.
