MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Local plumber Mario is in turmoil after receiving a claim denial from his insurance company for a life-saving surgery for his pet Yoshi. The denial prompts an impossible decision for Mario: to either pay for the surgery and take on a mountain of medical debt or say goodbye to a longtime friend.
“It’s-a crock of shit,” Mario said, before sharing details of the procedure Yoshi required, which would remove a lump from his collar-bone area. “You pay for the pet insurance, and you think you’re-a ready to go. Then you get a letter that the vet is out of network and the surgery isn’t covered. Mama Mia.”
Weighing his options, Mario’s eyes started to water as he imagined the worst outcome.
“He’s not ready to die, but where-a am I going to find 10,000 coins? I don’t have access to that kind of money,” Mario said, covering his face and trying to push back tears. “Someone should-a do something about these insurance companies. They’ve got money to pay for their mascots, but when it comes to saving a life, there is a hard line. Mama Mia. Fuck-a you, Jake from State Farm. Fuck-a you, Flo. And Fuck-a you, Lemu Emu.”
Mario melted into tears as he decried every insurance mascot he could think of. At this time, his brother and fellow plumber, Luigi, ushered members of the press out of the room.
“Please give my family privacy while we face this terrible situation,” Luigi said calmly, before being bombarded by questions from the press. “Please. No more questions. We are looking to start a GoFundMe for Yoshi’s surgery. Right now, I just want to take care of my brother. Once he’s settled down, then we can work on taking care of the problem.”
At press time the GoFundMe campaign for Yoshi’s surgery had met its goal. Unfortunately, it was too late. Yoshi had passed in his sleep the previous night. The Mario brothers are now looking to donate the funds to a local no kill Yoshi shelter.
TOKYO — In a recent Nintendo Direct, director Masahiro Sakurai confirmed that, after decades of speculation and demand, he would finally add Waluigi to the roster of Kirby Air Riders.
“I have always tried to be aware of the characters demanded by fans,” explained Sakurai. “In my last title, Super Smash Bros. Ultimate, I had over 80 different characters! But even then, I wasn’t able to please everybody. I remember lots of people in particular who wanted to see Waluigi, so I quickly promised myself I would add him into my next game. If I knew at the time my next game was a sequel to Kirby Air Ride, I probably wouldn’t have done this.”
Initial reaction to the character reveal has been mostly positive.
“I think I can speak for the entire community when I say we’ve been waiting a long time for this,” said Warren Wallace, moderator of the “Waluigi For Air Ride” Discord server. “A lot of us had begun to worry that Sakurai had some kind of vendetta against Waluigi after refusing to make him playable for so long. I mean, he wasn’t even in the original Air Ride at all! But seeing him use all those copy abilities in the trailer erased all our doubts in an instant. Not only is he in, but Sakurai’s doing the character justice in a way that will make all his fans proud. For the first time ever, Waluigi will be playable in a racing game.”
However, other fans remain skeptical.
“This is Kirby Air Ride, not Fortnite,” complained long-time Kirby fan Ren Lace on Reddit. “Sakurai should know better than to flood his games with a bunch of nonsense crossovers. This is supposed to be a celebration of the Kirby series. Waluigi’s slot on the roster could easily have gone to Poppy Bros. Jr., Adeleine, Coo, or any other characters that people actually care about. Personally, I’m still mad that they showed Sir Kibble as a non-playable assist character, so we already know he won’t be playable. Waluigi fans will never know what that feels like. And besides, have you ever seen how long Waluigi’s limbs are? There’s no way he could possibly pilot the same Warp Star as Kirby. He’s too big!”
At press time, everybody has already forgotten about Waluigi and are waiting for Sakurai to reveal Sora.
If you pay attention to this hobby for long enough, you’ll spot trends – some might say stereotypes – in various countries’ video game development scenes. For example, I’ve played quite a few games with incredible art direction but underwhelming mechanics that turned out to be French, Russia turns out a lot of depressing quasi-realistic military shooters, and many South Korean games are horny to the point of distraction.
Playing Star Fire: Eternal Cycle clarified a thought that I first had when I reviewed Evotinctionlast year: Chinese indie games play like they think the player was on their design team. No tutorial, no codex, little if any exposition: you’re thrown directly into the deep end in every way that counts.
On the plus side, that means you’re up and playing Star Fire in the first minute.It doesn’t burn its first hour on an extended tutorial or establishing its setting. Start a new game and you can be punching alien bugs in the face within 45 seconds. There’s something to be said for immediacy.
Star Fire begins in 2149 A.D., 7 years after giant insects emerged from the surface of the moon and swarmed over Earth. You’re the only remaining defender of humanity: a redheaded woman armed with electric gauntlets and dressed in club gear, because why be the last person on Earth if you ain’t cute. I think her name is supposed to be Erica.
Your goal is to jump into one of the Core Hive Zones and explode hostile bugs until they manage to get you to stop. Once they do, you respawn at your home station with whatever currencies you were able to loot, and can spend them to have a better chance of success next time.
Broadly, Star Fire is a roguelike that plays a little like an arcade beat-’em-up. At the start of the game, you can pick one of 3 weapons that determines Erica’s basic attack pattern, Hades-style,then start a run into the Hive Zones. It ends either when you die or when you reach the last available Zone for your current difficulty.
Along the way, you can level up, collect equipment for passive bonuses, and equip Insectoid Cores that you’ve seized from the Hive. These come in a number of specific elemental varieties, and while they all give you random buffs, all of them start getting really degenerate once you equip two or more of the same type. For example, Shadow Cores let you summon invincible clones of yourself for backup, Ice Cores provide a high chance to stun on hit, and Thunder Cores trigger an electrical field for close-range AoE whenever you use your heavy attack.
In another game, these might come off as somewhat overpowered, but Star Fire really wants you to immediately go for the really broken shit. Even on Difficulty 1, every boss is a giant sack of health with at least 5 additional lifebars’ worth of armor. If you aren’t deliberately pursuing a degenerate strategy where every individual attack lands like a small nuclear device, you will not survive. It sort of reminds me of the Disgaea postgame.
As a result, Star Fire is one of those power-crazed experiences that’s only really fun if you get a perverse, nearly erotic thrill from watching your numbers go up. It describes itself on its Steam page as “a love letter to classic arcade side-scrollers,” but the real audience for Star Fire is people who love it when enemies explode into a cloud of death arithmetic. It’s got more in common with Dungeon Fighter Online and various mobile games like it than with old-school quarter-munchers.
Its lack of interest in explaining itself does mean it’s got a learning curve. The first few minutes of Star Fire is a deluge of random stats, skills, bonuses, and synergies, and it’s up to you to figure out what they all mean. Some have tooltips, others don’t, and still others have tooltips but they’re not where you’d think they’d be.
It’s nothing you can’t figure out eventually, especially if you’ve spent any time with other similar roguelikes. For example, Star Fire’s stacking elemental synergy system isn’t a million miles away from Inkbound’s. Even so, Star Fire seems to have been designed on the presumption that it will never have a new player. One of its loading screen tips even encourages you to look up third-party guides.
That doesn’t mean it isn’t entertaining. The big draw behind Star Fire is that it’s happy to let you be profoundly overpowered, but each new difficulty turns up the dials more than enough to keep you guessing. Even when I’d reached a point where I could vaporize incoming bugs without effort, the next boss always had something blatantly unfair waiting for me.
Star Fire: Eternal Cycle isn’t exactly what it says it is; it’s a roguelike that wants to pretend it’s an arcade brawler. Fortunately, it’s a decent roguelike, especially if you enjoy it when a game lets you deal millions of points of damage at once. You’ll want to give yourself some grace as you figure out its finer details, but Star Fire isn’t a bad way to spend about 40 minutes at a time.
[Star Fire: Eternal Cycle, developed by Ethereal Fish Studio and published byIndie Herb Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $16.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Indie Herb Games PR representative.]
KYOTO — Nintendo has filed a patent giving them the exclusive right to the gameplay mechanic of pressing a button that makes a character jump, sources confirmed.
“It’s hard to believe it’s been over forty years since the original Donkey Kong released in arcades!” explained Shigeru Miyamoto in a recent Nintendo Direct. “So much has changed since then! Mario’s had so many adventures, Donkey Kong has gone from villain to hero, and countless other video games have included a jump button without our express permission. That’s why, starting after this Direct, only Nintendo will be legally able to make games where you can jump. All other publishers have six months to ensure their titles are free of patent infringement. Afterwards, the next jump we see out of any of you, you’ll be jumping straight into court.”
Critics have accused Nintendo’s recent patent, officially titled “Method for inputting vertical motion commands for video game,” of stifling creativity, though authorities insist it does just the opposite.
“Patents are important for inventors,” explained the United States’ Acting Commissioner for Patents, Valencia Martin Wallace. “The Founding Fathers even put them in the Constitution, so you know they matter! Yes, all of us in the federal government care so much about what the Constitution says, and … following it.” Wallace finished her cigarette before continuing. “The fact is, if somebody works hard to invent something new, they have the right to protect their intellectual property and keep anyone else from using it. Everyone at Nintendo worked hard to create the first-ever video game with a jump button, Steeplechase, back in 1975,” continued Wallace as she looked through the patent application. “Wait, they didn’t do that one? Well, they worked very hard to fill out the first-ever patent for it, so, you know … sure! Nintendo owns jumping now! Whatever. I don’t care anymore. Do you know anyone who’s hiring?”
Following Nintendo’s announcement, the rest of the video game industry has begun the arduous process of removing jumping from every single title currently on the market.
“I can’t believe it, we just shipped NBA 2K26,” complained 2K President David Ismailer. “And now thanks to Nintendo we’ve got to remove all the jumping from it. And every other game we’ve ever done, that sucks too, but the NBA … it’s basketball. You kind of jump a lot. And now we’re depicting the whole NBA with their feet stuck to the court because every single player legally can’t jump. Still, it could be worse. At least we don’t have to update Civilization VII again. Because we’re not going to.”
T press time, Nintendo’s lwyers clrified tht their ptent lso prohibits using the letter of the lphbet tht is on the jump button.
ADELAIDE, South Australia — The second official patch for Hollow Knight: Silksong has gone public, and will significantly nerf every boss you’ve already beaten.
“We heard the complaints from the players and implemented an intuitive difficulty scaling script into the code,” said Brad Caneflower of Team Cherry. “Once you beat the boss on the difficulty we set, you will have intuitive knowledge of its attack patterns and phases, making the next attempt far easier in retrospect.”
These complaints of high difficulty came only hours after the game’s official release. Many took to social media to voice their frustration over simple early game bosses.
“These cheeky cunts didn’t even get past Act 1, a glorified tutorial, before complaining it was too hard,” said Team Cherry CEO Ari Gibson. “So we listened and patched in a new type of experience system in the game called ‘getting good.’ It’s an ingenious way of fighting, dying, and learning used by some of the oldest video games ever created.”
This patch isn’t exactly what the Silksong community had in mind when they went to the internet to complain.
“This game is impossible! Why is the down slash at a 45 degree angle? Why are all hits two hearts? Why do my thumbs and wrist hurt so much?” said popular Twitch streamer, HollowKnut69. “I waited 8 years for this game and can’t even get 8 minutes into it without wanting to strangle my first born child.”
Internet historians have marveled at the response this game’s difficulty has received.
“While 2017 seems like a long time ago, it really wasn’t, but for some reason there is a shared amnesia in the gaming community over what kind of game Hollow Knight was,” said Dr. Ken Pellicotti, Professor of Media Studies at Wales University. “That game was hard as hell! And entitled gamers assume the sequel would be dumbed down to their abilities, and that simply is not the case.”
At press time, Team Cherry has begun work on the game’s third patch that will add a laughing animation to every enemy that lands a hit on you.
TSUSHIMA, Japan — Former samurai and self-appointed Ghost of Tsushima Jin Sakai is pleading with the samurais left on the island to find common ground with the invading Mongol army in order for the two sides to work together.
“This island has been through enough division, now is not the time for us to be attacking one another. It’s time that we reach across the aisle and find common ground with the Mongols. We can accomplish so much more by working together. Further dividing the island will only cause more violence,” said Sakai. “We’ve lost a lot of good people on both sides and the best way to honor their memory is by uniting. After all, at the end of the day we all want what’s best for Tsushima.”
Sakai’s words were met with a mixed response by the prominent figures of the island.
“We absolutely do not need to find common ground with the Mongols. For Jin to say such a thing is a betrayal of the most vulnerable people on the island,” said Sakai’s top ally, Yuna. “These Mongols want us exterminated. There is no common ground with them. It’s a real sucker punch when someone you thought was an ally turns out to be a capitulating coward but unfortunately it seems to be the norm.”
When asked about working together with the Samurai to heal the division on the island, Mongol leader Khotun Khan was dismissive.
“I couldn’t care less about fixing the division on the island. This is our island and we’re going to eradicate the radical Samurai. We’re gonna make Tsushima great. Any of these samurai who we see engaging in or celebrating political violence will be rounded up and be given the utmost punishment, believe me. You are either with us or against us.”
At press time, Sakai has fired Yuna for jokes she made about the death of General Temuge.
PHILADELPHIA — Tragedy struck a local gamer this weekend after the location of an obvious wall jump spot had completely faded from memory hours if not days before the wall jump ability was unlocked, sources say.
“It was like saying goodbye to a friend you know you’re not going to see for a while,” said Brooklyn Summers, who picked up the recent Hollow Knight: Silksong under the false impression it wasn’t as BS as other Soulslikes. “I was having a fun time exploring with the bug lady when I came across this sheer vertical wall with a platform way up at the top. Now, I played the first Hollow Knight two presidencies and one transition ago; I know a wall jump spot when I see one. I figure I’ll remember where it is on the backtrack, so I just go back to playing. Cut to nine hours later, I’m balls deep in Hunter’s March with six rosaries to my name and a bench that’s trying to kill me, and the last thing on my mind is a piece of wall in an area I cheaped out buying the map for ages ago. Where is the map lady? Is she even in Pharloom anymore?”
Hampered by a steeper difficulty curve, other players expressed similar frustrations when it came to the game’s opaque sense of progression.
“It’s a lot to juggle,” said Neil Rossum, a 16 year-old gamer who never played the original Hollow Knight on account of it releasing half his life ago. “First, there’s the tighter in-game economy to wrap your head around. I’m talking benches that cost 30 rosaries. I’m talking benches that cost 60 rosaries. I’m talking benches that cost 80 rosaries and a platforming puzzle just so you can have a hard surface to plant your stick bug ass. And that’s to say nothing of the situational awareness Silksong requires you maintain at all times. The tricky platforming, the ambushes, the traps— you need to be paying attention. Every second you spend soaking up the atmosphere and admiring the beautiful art is a second you could have spent hitting every random wall that looks halfway crumbly like you’re a blind truffle pig with a nose for rosaries. So, forgive me if I don’t remember every wall jump, running jump, dash jump, wind current, floaty ring, padlocked door, and spider door location I pass. I’m just trying to survive, baby. This game is the next two months of my life and I couldn’t be happier.”
Though the game received overwhelmingly positive reviews from most outlets, Silksong’s developer Team Cherry took to social media to address some of the community’s sticking points.
“As developers, it’s important we listen to player feedback and ensure no one gets left behind— after all, this community is our family. And right now, our family is being little bitches,” said Team Cherry, who were quick to remind players they are not a multimillion-dollar video game company but rather three dudes in Australia who got their wish granted by a genie. “What, you want to not have to choose between buying map markers and a down payment on your house? You want a pogo jump that doesn’t send you flying into spikes at the speed of light? You want less gank fights in bigger arenas with shorter run-backs? Get your shit together, guys. Sinner’s Road is just ahead and the Bilewater bench costs 90 rosaries.”
“Don’t get us wrong, we’re thrilled with the reception our game has gotten,” continued the developers. “Sure, we may have over-tuned some stuff, and sure, the fact that we’ve been playing this game for the last eight years may mean our perception of what constitutes a reasonable challenge is divorced from reality, but frustration is a choice you make for yourself. The tools are all there for players to carve their own path through Pharloom. Invest in prayer beads. Change your crest to make jumps easier. Separate groups of enemies with the R3 aggro mechanic we forgot to explain or even hint at. Any way players can make the game easier is something we support— even if it does mean you’re less of a gamer for beating Sister Splinter post-patch.”
At press time, Summers had finally unlocked the Cling Grip ability and was looking forward to backtracking in some of the game’s easier areas, searching for fleas, and curb stomping whatever pushover early game boss is waiting at the end of the Chapel of the Beast.
You could accuse Stick It to the Stickman of belaboring its one joke, but in its defense, it’s a good joke. That joke is late-stage capitalism.
Now available for PC via Steam Early Access, Stickman starts out as a deliberately awkward brawler, with the sort of shaky control that’s typically reserved for games with the words “Totally Accurate” in their title. Everyone in Stickman moves like they’ve been drinking since noon yesterday and have black licorice for bone marrow.
Your goal, as a newly-hired employee of a nameless corporation, is to fight through your co-workers and confront your boss on the office roof. Win, and you’re appointed to your deceased boss’ position by a shadowy cabal of shareholders. Soon, a new hire will enter the building to repeat the cycle all over again.
At this point in its core loop, Stickman is a goofy roguelike beat-’em-up with a ton of different abilities and characters to unlock. It’s entertaining while it lasts, if a little insubstantial, but it’s fun to pick up whenever you’ve got 10 minutes to kill. It also lets you body-check a couple of dozen of your former co-workers out a 15th-story window, and in this house, we respect that kind of thing.
Once you’ve successfully completed a few runs, which is to say, once you’ve thrown the previous CEO off his roof like Geese Howard, Stickman abruptly opens up into a collection of dystopian minigames. I’ve played other roguelikes that would’ve settled for adding new maps and enemies and calling it a day, but Stickman turned out to have more ambition than that.
As you climb the corporate ladder at the behest of your eldritch shareholder masters, you unlock more and different businesses across the city map. Some of them send you back into the trenches to beat the hell out of your co-workers, while others ask you to (poorly) drive a car, commit multiple homicide, or work in the fulfillment center, which is, much like a normal Amazon warehouse, basically level 1-1 of Super Meat Boy.
Obvious disclaimer: this is an Early Access game, so everything I’ve written so far is subject to change. Stickman is stable and polished enough at time of writing to pass for an actual retail product, but the developers have continually added more abilities, classes, and upgrade paths in the couple of weeks that the game’s been out.
It’s worth noting that, maybe appropriately, Stickman ends up putting your nose to the grindstone. Every building you unlock has its own unique upgrade tree, you eventually have to deal with a stock-market mechanic, and you have to collect both cash and a bunch of different upgrade tokens in order to purchase specific facilities, bonuses, and passives.
In a game that exists as one big joke about the corporate rat race, some of its humor bleeds out when you’re expected to clock in every day and beat the hell out of the same 60 dudes in order to finally unlock the gym. I suppose that’s also part of the joke, how these people keep showing up to work at the “and then my co-worker superkicked me into live power lines” office, but it can wear thin.
To be fair, Stickman does mitigate some of that with the surgical pace of its various unlocks. Everything you do gets you something, and you accumulate a lot of weird abilities, enemy types, obstacles, difficulty levels, and build options as you go. You’re distinctly not playing the same game after an hour.
That’s something it could probably stand to call more explicit attention to, or maybe include a short cooldown on each building so you’re encouraged to vary up your approach. Stickman features some built-in mechanics that encourage you to avoid playing it in the most brain-numbing way possible, like how button-mashing stops being effective once you’ve picked up a few of the stronger movement abilities. I’ve put together some fun, fast-paced builds in Stickman, but if you aren’t paying attention, most of your combos end when you inevitably E. Honda sumo-headbutt your way out a window.
Stick It to the Stickman is the latest in a series of indie games I’ve played in the last year or so – see alsoMouthwashing andRepose – that feel like their creators are working out some of the psychic trauma from a bad job. With Stickman, I knew I was in for something memorable when I saw the Lovecraftian council of unknowable, unassailable shareholders, and its satire just gets darker from there.
Stickman’s a little repetitive by design, but I could see this being great on your Steam Deck, or if it comes to Switch, as a portable time-killer. For right now, it’s a decent, funny pick-up-and-play brawler with a lot of inherent flexibility, and its developers are updating it roughly once every 30 seconds. It’s a hell of a deal for five bucks.
[Stick It to the Stickman, developed by Free Lives and published by Devolver Digital, is available now for PC via Steam Early Access for $4.99. This column was written using a Steam code that was sent to Hard Drive by a Devolver Digital PR representative for no adequately explored reason.]
MEGA CITY — Robot hero Mega Man inflicted a prolonged, brutal beating upon his adversary Ice Man, according to horrified fellow level bosses who witnessed the attack.
“I kept trying to explain to him that I’m called Ice Man because of my ice powers,” said Ice Man from his hospital bed. “I have no affiliation with Immigration and Customs Enforcement. But he wouldn’t listen—he was blind with rage and kept attacking me over and over, calling me a ‘class traitor’. However, I would like to take this opportunity to add that I do have great respect for ICE and what they’re doing, and would love to help their mission any way I can. Plus that $50k signing bonus is a pretty sweet deal.”
Ice Man’s colleague Guts Man has had several run-ins with Mega Man in the past, but has never seen him deliver such a vicious assault.
“I’ve had my ass kicked by Mega Man a bunch of times,” said Guts Man. “We all have, but it’s never been anything personal. Mega Man and I have even gone out for beers a few times and he explained his real beef is with Dr. Wily. But what I saw when he went after Ice Man recently was totally different. He blasted Ice Man over and over with his arm cannon while yelling things like, ‘Eat this, fascist scum.’ Then he spent twenty minutes just slapping him around. I was going to intervene, but frankly, Ice Man’s always been kind of a prick and he sort of deserved it.”
Mega Man’s creator Dr. Light believes he can explain Mega Man’s uncharacteristic use of extreme violence.
“I programmed Mega Man to have a strong sense of justice, which has been on display throughout the years as he’s vanquished the creations of Dr. Wily,” said Dr. Light. “Due to recent geopolitical developments, I slipped in some new code that allowed for a more vigorous reaction when confronting the particular threat of fascism. It seems that in this case, Mega Man’s systems determined that Ice Man was a member of ICE, which explains his aggressive response. I may have to do a little more debugging still.”
At press time, Ice Man had appeared on a number of manosphere podcasts to insist he only lost the fight because he had a cold at the time.
Spoilers ahead for the unfortunate souls who haven’t experienced this modern day masterpiece. Let’s make this quick.. I need to write this up so I can get back to replaying Clair Obscur for the twelfth time. So here we go.
You did it! You defeated the Paintress and discovered the entire world is a painting. You traversed every inch of the map in act three. You climbed the Reacher and beat Alicia. You mastered the Flying Manor and beat that Nevron-peddling Clea. You explored the depths of Renoir’s Drafts and beat Simon without cheesing (if you cheesed it, you did not beat the game, only yourself, coward).
All this led to the climatic showdown with Renoir. Big Daddy. Boss Man. You defeat him and boom, you are ready for the credits, but wait. Oh, my goodness, there is another fight. But who could it be? We have cleared the map of all Nevrons and painters. Who is left? It’s none other than the backstabbing Verso. It was bad enough that he didn’t save Gustave when he was one-hundred-percent capable of doing so, but now the asshole wants us to forget him and move on from this world. Absolutely not. We gamers do not move on.
With one final stab from Maelle’s blade, Verso is erased from the world, and you remain to enjoy the company of all your friends, including Gustave! It’s a happy ending for all parties involved.
Feel free to give yourself some time to take in the mindfuck and emotional rollercoaster you just went on. Think about how fucking rad it is that this game could create such a powerful experience from beginning to end. You rested? Good, now let’s really stick it to Verso and start new game+. You can stop when you want, but why would you ever want to stop?
You did it! You defeated the Paintress and discovered the entire world is a painting. You traversed every inch of the map in act three. You climbed the Reacher and beat Alicia. You mastered the Flying Manor and beat that Nevron-peddling Clea. You explored the depths of Renoir’s Drafts and beat Simon without cheesing (if you cheesed it, you did not beat the game, only yourself, coward).
All this led to the climatic showdown with Renoir. Big Daddy. Boss Man. You defeat him and boom, you are ready for the credits, but wait. Oh, my goodness, there is another fight. But who could it be? We have cleared the map of all Nevrons and painters. Who is left? It’s none other than the backstabbing Verso. It was bad enough that he didn’t save Gustave when he was one-hundred-percent capable of doing so, but now the asshole wants us to forget him and move on from this world. Absolutely not. We gamers do not move on.
With one final stab from Maelle’s blade, Verso is erased from the world, and you remain to enjoy the company of all your friends, including Gustave! It’s a happy ending for all parties involved.
Feel free to give yourself some time to take it all in the mindfuck and emotional rollercoaster you just went on. Think about how fucking rad it is that this game could create such a powerful experience from beginning to end. You rested? Good, now let’s really stick it to Verso and start new game+. You can stop when you want, but why would you ever want to stop?
You did it! You defeated the Paintress and discovered the entire world is a painting. You traversed every inch of the map in act three. You climbed the Reacher and beat Alicia. You mastered the Flying Manor and beat that Nevron-peddling Clea. You explored the depths of Renoir’s Drafts and beat Simon without cheesing (if you cheesed it, you did not beat the game, only yourself, coward).
All this led to the climatic showdown with Renoir. Big Daddy. Boss Man. You defeat him and boom, you are ready for the credits, but wait. Oh, my goodness, there is another fight. But who could it be? We have cleared the map of all Nevrons and painters. Who is left? It’s none other than the backstabbing Verso. It was bad enough that he didn’t save Gustave when he was one-hundred-percent capable of doing so, but now the asshole wants us to forget him and move on from this world. Absolutely not. We gamers do not move on.
With one final stab from Maelle’s blade, Verso is erased from the world, and you remain to enjoy the company of all your friends, including Gustave! It’s a happy ending for all parties involved.
Feel free to give yourself some time to take it all in the mindfuck and emotional rollercoaster you just went on. Think about how fucking rad it is that this game could create such a powerful experience from beginning to end. You rested? Good, now let’s really stick it to Verso and start new game+. You can stop when you want, but why would you ever want to stop?
Oh shit. I was supposed to pick my kids up from karate three months ago.