Jimmy Carter Ending Explained

Posted on by Matt Fresh

Jimmy Carter, best known for being the only US President who will ever see heaven, has passed away at the age of 100 after a long battle with being older than even Joe Biden. Seeing as how it was expected that Carter would live until at least Metroid Prime 4 released, audiences everywhere are shocked. Many don’t know exactly what this means for the future or how it sets up future plotlines. With that in mind here’s our full breakdown and explanation of the ending of Jimmy Carter.

What Was Jimmy Carter About?

The titular Jimmy Carter was constantly in the shadow of his brother William “Billy” Carter. Billy was a mogul in the alcoholic beverage industry thanks to his premium drink Billy Beer and as President Jimmy was always trying to live up to his brother’s legacy. These attempts didn’t always work. One of the biggest plotlines involved Jimmy opening a peanut farm that perennial antagonists the GOP forced him to sell.

Jimmy spent his years after his presidency doing everything in his power to atone for the fact that he was a US President. He was a humanitarian who built homes for people well into the age where he should have been eating ice cream and talking about people named Cornpop. It’s during these years that Carter became a hardcore gamer, ranking top of leaderboards in games of various genres from World of Warcraft all the way to Overwatch.

How Did He End and What Does It Mean?

The final few episodes of Jimmy Carter seemed to be leading to him living long enough to play Metroid Prime 4. Carter loved games with strong badass female protagonists and it seemed like he would make it long enough to see Samus return one last time but the writers had other plans.

Carter instead died mere minutes after booting up Stellar Blade for the very first time. Upon seeing Eve for the first time he had a massive heart attack that killed him instantly. This ending left many baffled but it makes perfect sense. As the only President who will ever see heaven, Carter was granted the most angelic death of all. While many were hoping he would get to live to play Metroid Prime 4, Carter was instead allowed the purest and most angelic ascent into heaven; dying of excitement while looking at Eve’s huge cans jiggle. It’s the death every gamer dreams of and it’s symbolic of his status as the only President worthy of such an end. Now he’s in heaven where he can play Metroid Prime 4 in peace, without ever having to interact with another politician again.

Well-Intentioned White Guy Hitting Wakanda Forever Emote a Little Too Much During Marvel Rivals Match

Posted on by Chad Kubrak

LOS ANGELES — Several “Marvel Rivals” players have reported the overuse of the “Wakanda Forever” emote by a white Black Panther main during a recent match, sources confirmed earlier this week.

“I’ve been a fan of the character for as long as I can remember, we don’t get many heroes in the mainstream who look like him,” said Eli Wilson, a fellow Black Panther main.“Don’t get me wrong, I have plenty of other favorites, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t get a little annoyed when someone beats me to him. But, yeah, this guy was really hogging him. Like, it was cool or whatever, but after every kill he was hitting that shit. The emotes are cool and everything, but it kind of weirded me out when he said he was creating a ‘safe space for intergalactic Black voices’ as a ‘melanin-deficient individual.’ Let me just play my favorite hero, man.”

Other players expressed irritation with the white Black Panther player, citing disruption to the flow of combat and unreliability as a team player.

“I think we all hit emotes in that pre-game lobby, it’s pretty much human nature at this point,” said Jerrod Benson, a Venom main. “But it’s like, damn! The whole match he was up on the payload, ‘Wakanda forever!’ ‘Wakanda forever!’ getting sniped, punched, you name it. Even Wolverine landed a kill. Everybody in chat was on his ass about it, too. The only time he’d take a break was to tell us ‘nonviolence was the answer,’ and how MLK taught him that peace is the only way to stop the oppressor, which he said was the only reason he didn’t ‘lay his cracker uncle out at Thanksgiving.’ His words, not mine, by the way.” 

Alternatively, another player was disgusted by his opponent’s attempted show of solidarity. 

“You’re white, pal. Don’t get the whole woke charade, have some freakin’ pride in yourself and your own country, not goddamn Wakanda,” said Captain America main, Chuck Winter. “Bunch of these kids are brainwashed. I’m a Steve Rogers guy through and through, none of that anti-white crap. Let’s see Marvel do a White Panther skin, bet they won’t. I’m just waiting for them to add Sabra and Whitewash Jones.” 

Several outlets attempted to reach out to the elusive Black Panther player, but were promptly killed by a Punisher turret.

Gen Z Slang Ranked by How Much Using It in Conversation Would Confuse Big Boss

Posted on by Tim Weighart

As has so frequently been heralded throughout history, the thrice-dead supersoldier Big Boss (aka Naked Snake and Venom Snake but only sometimes, not to be confused with Liquid Snake, Solid Snake, Solidus Snake (who is also the president of the United States), or The Boss) was the military leader of Zanzibar Land in 1997, an independent, militarized nation in Central Asia. The military state promptly collapsed after Big Boss’ apparent demise at the hands of Solid Snake in 1999. 

Just one year before the birth of Zanzibar, Generation Z had begun, a generation that would go on to accomplish great things, like making funny videos on TikTok and being shamed by their parents for not owning a house yet. Though their influence on our culture cannot be understated, there is one place where they had no presence: Zanzibar Land. In other words, Big Boss never had Gen Z slang enter the cultural zeitgeist of his blossoming country. 

But how confused would someone who had at least three clones, died to an artificial virus and lived through the plot of Metal Gear Solid 2 in real time truly be over some simple modern slang? It’s about time we found out. So pull your skibidi toilet halloween costumes back on and prepare to repeat the last two to three words of whatever sentence your friend just said in an inquisitive tone, because we are going to make like a Metal Gear Solid game and dive into a very obscure and niche topic to push the plot forward.

25. “Yes, Queen!”

For most of his life, Big Boss took after and looked up to his boss The Boss, so after hearing the tone of this phrase and piecing together that any admirable woman could be called a queen in this context to celebrate their independence and agency in their life choices, he would quickly grasp the implication and importance of female empowerment, even if he believes that all female empowerment must include a life spent blaming yourself for starting the Cold War. He might have confused the phrase for someone responding to a question asked by Fortune under different circumstances, but I refuse to believe that even he can remember this entire cast of characters, so he probably forgot about her.

24. “IYKYK (If You Know You Know)”

Big Boss has spent his entire life surrounded by codenames, codewords, and eventually even elaborate genetic codes for each of his three slithery little eugenics babies clones, so he would crack this little acronym in no time. And anyone in the military understands the value of intel and keeping it on a need to know—

Huh? Is that a Codec ringing?

RING RING

VWOOP

Snake: “Dammit, Campbell, not now! You almost blew my cover.”

Campbell: Sorry, Snake. I just figured you’d want to hear about why The Patriots are after your assigned target.

Snake: The Patriots?

Campbell: *Sigh* That’s right… They’re up to their old tricks again. 

Snake: Damn! How are they even still around? 

Campbell: Come now, Snake, we both know this mission respects continuity and quality storytelling about as much as Metal Gear Survive. Now, listen up: Your target has critical intel on how to baffle Big Boss, which could temporarily distract him from completing his next big scheme.

Snake: Big Boss?! It can’t be…

23. “He Has Main Character Energy”

Huh, sorry about that folks, for some reason a cardboard box falling off my shelf sounded like a Codec to me! I guess I’m just really in the zone with all this Metal Gear talk…

Anyway, Big Boss unfortunately knows the experience of both having and being spurned by Main Character Energy all too well, as he had it from 1964 to 1984 before essentially losing it to his son for the rest of his life. He takes solace in the fact that many superfans argue that he is the main character of the entire series, but Super Smash Brothers says otherwise.

Man, I need to go grab a drink! Better leave my list of itemized notes open on my computer where anyone could look at it, it’s not like I’m creating deeply important military intel with nothing but my imagination or anything…

Snake: “Okay, I think I’ve got it. Big Boss uploaded his consciousness into Liquid Ocelot’s dead body just before I watched him die, and now he has created Metal Gear Nucleosis Kaepernicus.

Campbell: Correct. We have gotten… really good at comprehending these insane plots.

Snake: Yeah, and I’ve gotten really good at numbing myself to the multiple deaths and revivals of my father.

Campbell: Hm… Anyway, the young citizen whose bedroom you’re currently squatting in is the holder of the Amnesty Phrase, a modern phrase that will scramble the genomes of Big Boss and Liquid Ocelot by targeting Big Boss’ intellectual blindspots. Since he was initially killed in 1999, his brain isn’t able to comprehend certain pieces of modern language that have been invented or readapted since then. That should destabilize him, and then you can enter the destabilization codes into his control device.

Snake: Deactivation codes?

Campbell: Oh yeah, those are easy for once. One of them is “dogsledder87” and the other is just EVA’s face typed out with a bunch of ones and zeros. Otacon can show you how to type that out when the time comes, if you want.

Otacon: It’s a really cool process! It’s been around for decades and it’s called-

Snake: I got it. Anyway, that kid just stepped out of the room a few minutes ago, so let me hop on that computer real quick…

22. “Girl, Ya Basic.”

Hmm no, that phrase would only not be confusing if they definitely showed Big Boss The Good Place when he entered heaven, or hell, or… Wherever you put someone like Big Boss. Talk about a morally complex knot for someone to unravel, sheesh! I don’t pity whoever might have that job. Maybe he would have a halfway decent understanding of The Rizzler-

Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my room?

Snake: ❗

???: Wait a minute, you’re Solid- Huh? Where’d he go?

Snake: … 

???: Must have been the wind. Guess I’ll walk around to the other side of my bed and- Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my room?

Snake: ❗

???: Wait a minute- Where’d he go? Must have been the wind. Guess I’ll walk around to the other side of my bed and- Hey! Who are you and what are you doing in my room?

Snake: ❗

???: Wait- Okay, where’d he go… Something about this whole situation is-

21. “Pretty Sus.”

Oh hey, that would probably be around the right spot for this part of the list, Big Boss should easily be able to tell that that word is short for-

Snake: Suspicious?

???: AGH!? Who are you and what are you doing in my room?

Snake: …

???: Wait a minute, you’re Solid Snake! I’m a huge fan!

Snake: Heh. Kept you waiting, huh?

???: Wow, your ass looks even more incredible in those pants in person.

Snake: What?

???: Huh?

Snake: Whatever. Just tell me the phrase that will befuddle Big Boss the most and I’ll get out of here.

???: Oh, you want to know what number 1 is? Well it’ll probably take me a couple more days to find the time to finish the list-

Snake: The list?

???: Yeah, you know, for Hard Drive. I wouldn’t have guessed you were a fan! Secret military agents aren’t really our primary audience, believe it or not.

Snake: So wait, the phrase hasn’t even been confirmed yet? You have to come up with it?

???: Yep! And with all my shifts working at the Cheez Whiz factory, it’s gonna take a hot minute. You know how it is.

Snake: No, I don’t. The world’s in danger and I’m taking you into custody until you finish this damn list.

???: …*Gulp*

 

20. “Big Yikes!”

Right… Back to work. So Big Boss would initially take this as an insult, you know, “Big Boss? More like Big Yikes!” But then he would realize it was just a saying, and though he would be somewhat offended that this dumb saying shares his first name, he’d get over it pretty quick. He definitely won’t start saying it anytime soon, though.

19. “Hit That Dab!”

Fun fact, Big Boss actually invented the Dab when he was partying with the boys one night in Outer Heaven. Look it up. However, he named it the Metal Gear Smooth Move, in reference to the fact that it was the deadliest weapon he could unleash on the dance floor.

18. “OK Boomer.”

Big Boss would comprehend the comprehension of this phrase, and it would piss him the hell off. And isn’t anger truly the root of all confusion, at the end of the day? Or is confusion the root of anger? …Hm. Anyway, once he cools off by declaring a war on the brilliant zoomer who said that to him — nothing calms Big Boss down like declaring a war that he can focus on for five to thirty years — he’ll admit that it’s a pretty funny little saying. 

17. “And That’s the Tea, Sis.”

Stemming from the fact that we’ve already established Big Boss as a feminist, he was also likely an ardent and early supporter of drag culture, and was invested in the finer points of the art in the few years before he founded Zanzibar. As a result, all of the confusion that he will feel from hearing this phrase will be derived from his mild perplexity about how he could possibly forget the coined term from one of his favorite interviews from one of his favorite drag performers, Lady Chablis. And in case you were wondering, Big Boss would absolutely watch RuPaul’s Drag Race if he knew what the hell reality television was.

16. “I’m Dead.”

Big Boss is presumed dead most of the time, so he’s pretty used to introducing himself as dead to those few people who can be trusted to be in the know, so he would be pretty empathetic to anyone he assumes is in the same strange situation. He would be less empathetic once he realizes that it means that someone is surprised, taken aback or humored by a situation or story, however. Then it’ll be time for him to declare more wars so they can know what being dead really feels like.

15. “Oof, That’s a Red Flag.”

Big Boss was in a coma when Exercise Red Flag, the aerial combat training regiment held by the US Air Force was implemented, but once he came to, he would recruit many of his favorite pilots from the group who went through that specific training for his forces in Outer Heaven and Zanzibar. He knew that his three sons were on the rise around then, too, so he assumed that they must be good pilots too, hence why he never tried to get the best of any of them when they were in flight. What I’m trying to say is that Big Boss refers to good pilots as “Red Flags”. Poor choices with terminology like this is why his buddies never tried to give the poor sap much advice on love. So he wouldn’t be too confused when hearing this phrase, but he would be deeply misguided in his judgments of who he wants in his personal life.

14. “He’s So Pookie for Real.”

Big Boss hasn’t really spent much time in Germany, so he wouldn’t know much about the origins of the term known as Pookie, but he wouldn’t put much thought into what it might mean on account of the fact that it sounds stupid. For the record, Big Boss would never call any of his friends or lovers Pookie, but pretty much everyone who cared about him would call him that and he would hate it. He’s just that kinda Pookie, I guess.

…I haven’t been allowed to eat or sleep for the thirty minutes that I’ve been shut in here, or even take any breaks. Please send help?

13. “This Shit Slaps!”

Big Boss would shoot your autographed “The Rise And Fall Of A Midwestern Princess” CD twenty-three times in a row if you indicated that it was inflicting any sort of harm or violence, including slapping, towards innocent people such as yourself. Needless to say, he would also belly flop onto the disc and crush it to shield you from an explosion if you referred to any of the songs as “a banger”. Seriously, don’t mess around with this guy. 

*RING RING, VWOOP*

Campbell: Snake? Come in, Snake. I need an update on the mission.

Snake: Colonel. The target’s been secured, but he hasn’t come up with the phrase yet. I thought it wouldn’t take long so I was holding out on calling, but…

Campbell: Wait, so this kid is the creator of the Amnesty Phrase? What is he, some sort of genetic bioweapon designed to take down Big Boss in this very specific situation?!

Snake: No, it’s much worse; I suspect that we’re trapped in an online listicle parody that is meant to be played entirely for laughs, and the kid is the author.

Campbell: …Dear God.

Snake: Anyway, he needs to write the rest of the listicle before he gets to the Amnesty Phrase. Apparently it helps him to “get into the groove of the list”, or something. To make matters worse, he’s got the attention span of a toddler.

Campbell: Hmph. Alright, just keep an eye on him. I’m sure some imminent threat won’t endanger you in the meantime, considering how smoothly all of your missions have gone up to this point.

Snake: …Right.

12.  “Let Him Cook!”

Big Boss is undoubtedly a masterful field cook, preparing and eating fish, snakes (haha), alligators and mushrooms like it’s nobody’s business. However, he has such a broad tolerance for strange foods that people giving him permission to cook could have disastrous results. City rats? Skewered! Decorative bouquets? Pickled! Your leather purse? Boiled for a thin, protein broth! It’s good that we’re beginning to let people cook with their unusual beliefs and habits in 2024, but let’s leave this hermetic military man out of it, ‘kay?

11. “She’s a Karen.”

The name “Karen” always makes Big Boss really sad because it makes him wonder what the world would be like if 9/11 never happened, and that would kind of be the end of the conversation. Any confusion derived from the phrase would only be from why you’d bring up such a sad thing, and then you would be the one who was really confused, unless you were a hardcore Metal Gear Solid fan who knows about the cut Arsenal Gear crash sequence from Metal Gear Solid 2. So yeah, that would backfire hard.

10. “Go Outside and Touch Grass.”

Most of the people Big Boss knows tend to go outside, and most of them touch or even military crawl on grass, so he wouldn’t really be able to comprehend the importance and savagery in these words. Imagine not having the necessary knowledge and perspective to absolutely demolish sad strangers on the internet whenever you want. No wonder this guy’s always so serious.

9. “Stay Sigma.”

Even after someone explains the context behind this unfortunate saying, Big Boss will still be confused, because he basically embodies the Sigma grindset, and he has generally had a pretty shitty life. So he doesn’t understand why someone would ever wish this upon a person, and if any gigachads were to stroll up to him and say this nonsense, he would probably feel pretty sad that they are saying they want him to start more wars and go several more months without talking openly with anyone except some guy who calls himself “Revolver Ocelot”.

8. “This Has Been Living Rent-Free in My Head.”

You would think that this wouldn’t perplex Big Boss since his son has been living rent-free in Revolver Ocelot’s head for years and Psycho Mantis can live rent-free in people’s heads whenever he wants, but Big Boss has never actually had to pay rent before, because some random military is always providing housing for him. To make matters worse, he would definitely be one of those assholes who insists that landlords provide an essential and valuable service to society, extortions, evictions and all. Honestly, I’m just impressed that we got this far down the list before we found an explicit reason to cancel this guy.

7. “BEEEANS, WHAT THE FUCK.”

*Cracks knuckles* Alright, let’s get down to business and— 

 

???: Oh hey, Snake! How’s it going?

Snake: “Hrngh. Hurry Up, Kid. We’re Running Out Of Time.”

???: Look, this is hard work! Meanwhile, I can’t help but notice you haven’t given me an introductory name card that would allow my last name to be listed at the start of each of my subtitles, you cheap fucks!

Snake: You don’t understand, he’s almost here!

???: Who is?

*CRASH*

Snake: Argh!

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: I do believe he’s talking about me.

???: Ah! Snake?

Snake: …

???: Snake? Snake?! SNAAAAAAAKE! Wait, yelling that at him has literally never helped. Still fun to do though. Okay. Pull yourself together. *Ahem* Hey, Big Boss!

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: What? Wait, that’s not my name anymore I guess. Still, what?

6. “Stop Being Such a Sussy Baka!”

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: …Sir, I am literally a third-generation Japanese-American. Are you trying to imply that I, of all people, wouldn’t know what “baka” means?

???: Oh shit.

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Yeah.

???: I’m so sorry. 

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: It’s okay.

???: I’ll try to do better.

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: I would hope so.

???: Well, this is awkward. Kind of feel like we got off on a really sour note here.

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Yyyep.

???: Tell you what, can we start over? Just give me one more chance before you unleash your evil plan upon us.

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: You’ve got yourself a deal. I have always believed in second chances.

???: That’s really cool of you, Big B- Um, Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot. Maybe we could grab a drink after this, talk about our lives?

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: No chance.

5. “Sheeeesh.”

While Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot has certainly heard the word, “sheesh” a decent amount of times, he has the inversed, boomer version of the phrase in mind whenever he hears it. Although he may believe that something’s up when some 12th grader says it approximately five octaves higher than the word should used to be said, and the note is held five times longer than it should ever be said, he won’t be able to glean exactly what it means from that alone, gleaning only that he really wants to punch said 12th grader in the face.

???: Well? How do you like that, BLB?

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: …I’m a little confused, but I mainly just want to shoot you in the head and then go tell parents to raise their kids better.

???: Oh dang it! Better rapidly shout out another phrase while you very slowly reach for your gun and aim it carefully at my forehead!

4. “According to All Known Laws of Aviation, There Is No Way a Bee Should Be Able to Fly. Its Wings Are Too Small To Get Its Fat Little Body off the Ground. The Bee, of Course, Flies Anyway Because Bees Don’t Care What Humans Think Is impossible.yellow, Black. Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black. Ooh, Black and Yellow! Let’s Shake It up a Little. Barry! Breakfast Is—”

*BANG*

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Fuck you, that meme was lovingly crafted by the millennial generation and you know it!

???: Agh! D-debatable…

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Hm? Oh my, you were getting so into your physical reenactment of the Bee Movie that you must have moved the imaginary plate of pancakes just as I shot, leading me to hit your shoulder instead. Well, one more shot should finish the job…

???: Wait! N-no… You n-need to listen to me…

3. “Netflix and Chill?”

Come on, this has to be the most confusing slang phrase! Big Boss doesn’t even know what Netflix is! He probably doesn’t even know what a television is because he’s too busy making photorealistic, inflatable decoys of himself that he can use to trap his enemies in a cyclical purgatory of distrust and terror! God he makes that look fun! And don’t even get me started on his ideas of “chilling”! He probably thinks it means hanging out Shadow Moses! Come on now! Tell me I’m wrong!! Because if I’m wrong, I’m dead! Oh fuck, if I’m wrong, I’m dead. 

2. “I Can’t Believe I’m About to Get Unalived.”

How did it come to this? All I wanted to do was write a comedy article that combines references to a videogame that has been slowly fading into obscurity for the last ten years with the slang of my Zoomer peers, and now I’m going to be killed by the ridiculous combined consciousness of two extremely complicated characters! How am I supposed to confuse someone like that? Even trying to work around the clarity of his mind by introducing him to the prominence of the phrase “unalived” when he has lived a life surrounded by death and carnage that must be spoken of openly doesn’t seem to be enough, and I don’t even know how it’s taken him this long to fire another shot! Oh lord, I see it now; my life flashing before my eyes. My sister’s PS2, the time I went trick or treating as Psycho Mantis and everyone thought I was Bane, getting called an NPC by my own little brother! 

Wait, is that all of the notable memories I have queued up? Maybe this whole thing isn’t that great after all—

Snake: Oooo… Wuhh…?

???: Snake! You’re awake, but what are you saying? Wait, that’s it!

???: Hey, Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot!

1. “UwU!”

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: …What was that?

???: You see, it turns out that there is nothing that could confuse someone from Metal Gear Solid—a franchise built on blood, coolness factors and gratuitous monologuing— than simplicity and cuteness. UwU is built around appearing cute, something that Big Boss has never tried to be, and about self-expression, something that Big Boss never really learned how to embrace. UwU is a paradox of a universal truth that centers on light, playfulness and hope, blinding the darkness of Big Boss’ world. It is also associated with a lot of furry culture, which I think Big Boss would find very confusing.

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: Gah! Stop saying that phrase!

???: Sorry Mr. Big Boss UwU. Looks like the power of friendship was the real metal gear this whole time UwU.

Big Liquid Boss-A-Lot: NOOOO!

???: Well, he is dead. Or so it seems! Maybe we’ll see him again in Metal Gear 6, which is… Definitely going to be a thing. Hoo boy.

???: …I wonder if Big Boss thought about the Roman Empire very often.

Local Dog Playfully Kills Fourth Mailman This Week

Posted on by Nick Coffman

SMALLVILLE, Kan. — Smallville Animal Control reported that a dog of unidentified breed attacked and killed Derby Walter, 56, the latest of four mailmen who have been mauled, after what witnesses referred to as a game of fetch gone wrong.

“Please, if you see a scruffy little white dog, do not approach him, do not give him pets, and for the love of God, do not engage in a game of fetch with him,” said Skeeter Boyd, Head of Communications for SAC during a press conference. “If you see Krypto you need to lock your doors and call animal control immediately. We cannot have dogs thinking they can attack the USPS and get away with it. We’re taking a stand and we’re going to bring Krypto to justice.”

Autopsy reports of Walter and the other postal workers reveal each body was covered in bite marks, third degree burns, and copious amounts of dog snot. Krypto was reportedly in the area of all four attacks.

“The USPS is under attack and its greatest threat are dogs like Krypto,” Boyd said, waving a leash pole in the air. “We’ve already brought other dogs in for questioning. We will find Krypto. Anyone harboring this outlaw mutt will have the calloused hands of the law come down on them swiftly.”

Local farm woman and adoptive dog mom to Krypto, Martha Kent, thinks SAC has the wrong critter.

“Animal Control is just looking for someone to blame,” Kent said to reporters from her porch. “It’s easier to point a finger at an innocent dog than it is to actually go out and find the bad guy. This could have been any dog. Krypto’s by no means perfect. He may eat out of the trash and poop in the house, but he’s no murderer. And if he did murder those nice postmen, he was probably just playing with them and got a little too rough.”

At press time, Smallville Animal Control had received a tip from a parrot that Krypto had been spotted in a local Petco Store.

Game Night: Steal Your Booze Back from Satan in ‘Antonblast’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

There was a unique strata of 16-bit 2D platformer in the ‘90s. Super Mario World and the various Sonic games got most of the attention, but there was a solid B-tier just below them that flew underneath many people’s radar. This is the graveyard of failed mascots, where Earthworm Jim rules, alongside forgotten characters like Blackthorne, Ristar, and Vectorman.

It’s an interesting period to revisit, particularly since many of these games were produced by absolute lunatics. Some of it came from the ‘90s mascot blitz, so any random pencil sketch could become the focus of a transmedia franchise to compete with Mario and Sonic, but it’s mostly just the state of the culture at the time. An era in which someone could not only greenlight but release Boogerman is an era that is unsuccessfully grappling with a deep sickness of the soul.

Antonblast reminds me of those years and those games. From the moment it starts, it’s a crazy gauntlet of high-speed platforming challenges, with graphics reminiscent of a 14-year-old’s caffeine freakout. Intentional or not, it’s a careful homage to a uniquely strange period of game design. I wish I liked it more than I do.

Antonblast stars Dynamite Anton, the protagonist of 2021’s Antonball Deluxe and a bright red, hammer-wielding exterminator. When Satan notices that Anton is the only creature in existence whose skin is a brighter red than his own, Satan sends his minions to steal all of Anton’s booze.

When Anton wakes up to empty shelves, he grabs his hammer and his coworker Annie – the most “I can fix her” character in platformer history – and goes on a rampage. Using a local casino as a base of operations, Anton and Annie set out to reclaim Anton’s spirits and destroy everything that gets in their way. This is all a ploy to eventually bring them to Hell, where Satan plans to steal Anton’s coloration for himself.

Antonblast is a platformer where you’re never quite in full control. Anton charges across each stage like a natural disaster, moving at breakneck speeds and leaving a trail of destruction in his wake.

Anton’s hammer serves as a dash, accelerator, and spring at once. You can bounce off the ground to get extra height, charge up for extra speed, and slide down slopes with your boots extended. There are enemies, but most of the time, defeating them is something you do along the way. Antonblast is a wrecking ball simulator in the guise of a 2D platformer.

The graphics are simple, but it’s in the service of both raw speed and ensuring that both Anton and Annie – you can switch freely between stages and both characters play the same – look as crazy as possible at any given time. Antonblast makes almost no sense in still shots. In motion, it’s a frenzy of crazy animations; taken frame by frame, it’s a useless pixel riot.

Most of the levels in Antonblast are only a little linear. Your goal, broadly speaking, is to run through it as fast and destructively as possible, then set a bomb and get back to the exit before everything explodes. Along the way, you can find secret areas, shortcuts, and several hidden items, primarily by using a gimmick that lets you leap into and out of the stage’s background.

When it’s firing on all cylinders, Antonblast’s pure speed is a lot of fun. You smash, bop, or punt everything that gets in your way, up to and including entire buildings, while explosions and strange machines reconfigure the world around you. If you’re a big fan of Sonic’s classic era, this should be right up your alley.

It’s not really for me, though. Antonblast has a few issues that bother me, like how it loves to obscure your vision at crucial moments, but it’s primarily just not the kind of platformer I tend to like. It’s all gas, no brakes, to the point where seemingly simple jumps often don’t work unless you’re moving at maximum velocity. If you slow down, you’ve lost. It’s messy in a genre where I prefer precision.

I can imagine this being someone else’s favorite game. It’s got a solid dose of speedrunner mechanics, and beating each stage opens up time trial modes and other challenges. I even like its general aesthetic, which feels like its setting is based exclusively on energy drinks’ logo art, and its cheerful refusal to make any real sense. I bounced off of Antonblast, no real pun intended, but if you like high-speed mascot platformers, it’s well worth a look.

[Antonblast, developed by Summitsphere and published by Joystick Ventures, is now available for Nintendo Switch and PC via Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Joystick Ventures PR representative.]

Nintendo Officially Changes Name of NES to “Regular Nintendo” 39 Years After Release

Posted on by Steve Packosky

KYOTO, Japan – Multinational video game company Nintendo has officially changed the name of Nintendo Entertainment System, or NES, to “Regular Nintendo” 39 years after its initial release, sources report.

“Such action is merely a formality at this point,” President Shuntaro Furukawa said. “Ever since the release of the Super Nintendo Entertainment System (SNES) in 1990, the NES has been referred to as ‘Regular Nintendo’ in households all around the world. As far as I know, only gaming elitists have continued to insist on referring to it by its original name. Nintendo prides itself on always putting the customer first, and this is just the latest example of us listening to them and responding in a timely and courteous fashion.”

Gamers across the world were quick to respond to the name change.

“Oh, I always just assumed that’s what it was called,” posted long time gamer Zack Parker. “When I was a little kid, we called it ‘Nintendo,’ and when the SNES came out, we called it ‘Regular Nintendo.’ Who cares? I don’t really understand why Nintendo is focusing its efforts on this when I’ve been dealing with Joy-Con drift for almost a decade. They might as well not even bother now, as the successor to the Switch is coming out next year. I swear, if I wasn’t such a Zelda guy, I would’ve sworn off Nintendo years ago.”

Sociologist Ashley Garcia provided insight into the situation.

“It’s actually very common in gaming for colloquialisms to be used more often than official titles,” Garcia offered. “For instance, I’ve only ever known the Super Scope as the ‘Super Nintendo Gun,’ and Mad Catz gaming peripherals have historically been referred to as ‘the shitty one.’ It’s puzzling that Nintendo is just now choosing to rename a console that’s older than most of the users of its products. As a gamer myself, I echo the concerns of Nintendo’s fanbase when I say the company could be spending its time and resources more productively.”

At press time, Nintendo was also renaming Super Mario Bros. 2 to “The Mario Where You Pick Things Up Instead of Smash Them.”

Tips to Win Your Next Yu-Gi-Oh Tournament (Guest Column by Bandit Keith)

Posted on by Amity Gilmour

Yu-Gi-Oh. Difficult to learn, expensive to master. Yet when going up against the best and brightest duelists in the country, you’re gonna need more than a rent’s worth of cards to come out on top. That’s why I’m here. As the former American Champion and the current legally disputed winner of Duelist Kingdom, I’m here to arm you with the knowledge you need to crush the competition and top your next Worlds.

Follow my advice, and you’ll be walking away with the greatest prize of them all: A sense of pride and accomplishment, a Steam Deck, and a single booster box of cards.

Believe in the Heart of the Cards

Hey, if it worked for those spiky-haired freaks then it should work for you. Of course, we all know that “Heart of the Cards” is just the politically correct way of saying “During your Draw Phase, place the card you want on top of your deck”. Be like the Pharaohs of old, and literally manifest the card you want.

Use the Power of Friendship

Friends are great. They cheer you on when you’re winning, bring you up when you’re feeling down, and serve as an excellent pool of resources to utilize whenever you need. Just remember that if you’re missing a few Star Chips or Locator Cards, there’s absolutely someone in your life who’ll donate them, willingly or otherwise.

Don’t be Afraid to Use a Rival’s Card

There’s nothing wrong with admitting when your opponent has a better card than you. So leave your ego at the door and slide it into your deck. Ideally after swiping it from them after you beat them up.

Remember to Open Your Latest Pack

Even third-rate duelists with fourth-rate decks know that more cards is better than less cards. And rare cards are better than common cards. Seriously, you need to send a message to your opponent. Your deck isn’t just better, it’s shinier. Are you actually going to show up at the Intercontinental Championships flashing a simple Holo Charizard instead of a Crown Rare? Pricks like you are the reason this country’s going to the dogs.

Make the Terrain Work for You

Field power bonuses don’t count for nothing if you play your cards right. All it takes is some quick thinking and a willingness to believe in the corruption of our judicial system. Snivelling little punk hiding in a forest to buff his bugs? Take a page from the Amazon Rainforest and burn it down. Ocean freak wants you to swim in a sea of monsters? Oil and a match. Facing off in a no-stakes duel against a nine year old in the middle of a heavily populated city?

Arson baby.

Drown out the Horrors of your Past

You don’t get to become a pro duelist without seeing some things. Things you’d rather forget. Like the time you pulled a 1st Edition Ultimate Rare and slipped it into the safety of your pocket. Only to absentmindedly hand your jeans over to your mom, having completely forgotten it’s laundry day…

The Russian Roulette was pretty gnarly too.

Prepare for Any Situation

Only idiots don’t pack in advance. I’m not referring to firearms or genitalia (naturally I wield both with deadly efficiency), but instead your decks. Bring every single one you’ve got. And if a judge asks to see your decklist, ask if they’ve seen anyone naked. Watch them break down in tears as you achieve both a literal and metaphorical win.

Make Your Own Luck

Starting hand not up to snuff? Your supposedly honorable opponent cut your deck in a way that makes him look sus? Don’t stand for that. You only get one life (unless you meet a handsome fellow with a knack for raising the dead), so don’t waste it!

What is “the sleeve” but a second hand? Stuff your best cards up there and whip ‘em out as needed.

Respect the Rules

We’re not savages. A rules-based society is the only thing keeping us from Time Streaming back into apes. That’s why you respect the official rules of this trading card game.

Specifically, you’ll want to respect the tardiness penalty (if your opponent doesn’t show after 3 minutes, they get a game loss, and after 10 minutes they get a match loss). So, make sure you show up bright and early, ideally after jamming some hotel room doors, cutting some brake lines, or stealing the one card that grants you entry.

Exercise Your Second Amendment Rights

When all else fails, just remember that Monster Reborn doesn’t work on people. That punk kid can’t sign the match result slip if he gets hit by your Barrel Dragon, know what I’m saying? Now sure, there’s no way this works on a holder of a Millennium Item, but there’s only like seven of those dweebs to worry about.

Apologies to my American readers, but this’ll only work in Japan.

Be the Bigger Man

There’s nothing wrong with admitting when someone has got you beat. Especially if that person has access to cards that can resurrect you from the dead, or ancient artefacts forged from the blood of slaughtered innocents that can straight up possess you.

It’s Fine to Hit a Child

There’s no way that little shit beat me! I don’t care if Pegasus gave him the secret to life itself, I totally had that duel in the bag. See how fast your lifepoints drop when I summon my fists in Attack Mode.

 

Adorable Child Star Blossoms Into An Unmarketable Pre-Teen

Posted on by Garry Kerls

HOLLYWOOD — After putting in an impressive six years of portraying children on the screen, McClonkey Culkin, the youngest of the esteemed family of actors, has unfortunately developed into an unattractive and unmarketable pizza face.

“McClonkey was a true professional, acting was in his veins, however the passage of time tends to weigh heavy on the Culkin family,” says longtime Casting Director, Lori Shannon. “Like his brothers before him, there came a point where he would walk into the audition room for an adorable kid and we would throw up in our mouths a little.”

Kit Culkin, McClonkey’s father and the patriarch of the Culkin clan, has assured his managers and agents that his son is still at the top of his game.

“He’s still got some great stuff left in the tank,” the 80 year old told the press. “All he needs is a little Proactive and three hours in the make-up chair and boom! He’s practically a baby again.”

This is not the first time Kit Culkin has aggressively parented one of his sons into the spotlight. Back in the 90s Macaulay Culkin was placed on puberty blockers in the hopes of squeezing every last penny out of the child’s momentous success.

“It was hell!” Macaulay told reporters back in 2008. “The side effects left a rash on my face so bad they had to rewrite the ending of My Girl. All I did was work and work! The only time I could truly feel like a kid was at Neverland Ranch.”

Unsure if the child star will be able to make the shift into adult acting like his brother Kieran, this may be the last we see of McClonkey, until his inevitable return in nostalgia-bait holiday commercials 20 years from now.

At press time, the puberty riddled pre-teen has signed on for a three commercial deal with Accutane®.

Confused Nintendo Copyright Lawyers Get Ready For Luigi Mangione Murder Trial

Posted on by Eddie Feeley

NEW YORK — A team of copyright lawyers at Nintendo have begun putting together a case against Luigi Mangione, although some members of the team are not completely sure why they are getting involved in the murder case.

“I’m just not entirely sure what I’m supposed to be doing here,” said Nintendo Copyright lawyer Don Winters. “Like, yeah, I’m no stranger to bleeding Nintendo fans dry for even thinking about putting something that looks like a 1-up mushroom on a grave. It’s the murder trial thing that’s kinda throwing me. The guy doesn’t even seem to be a Nintendo fan, so what’s the point? But the top brass said to sue so I’ll do what I can. I just don’t think they fully understand what this case is actually about. All they know is that it’s in the news and the guy’s name is unfortunately Nintendo property.”

With the trial now including the much more serious charge of infringing on Nintendo copyright, the judge laid out how the trial would likely go.

“Mr. Mangione will have his defense team sit to the right of the courtroom,” explained judge Anya De La Vega. “And the prosecution will be on the left. We plan on bringing in a third table, across from the jury, to put the Nintendo lawyers. We can proceed with the murder trial as usual, and the copyright lawyers will chip in with any objections or witnesses or whatever it is they do.”

Although Nintendo’s legal team isn’t sure how much they’ll be able to do in this murder trial, some members are excited for the experience.

“I’ve never been involved in a murder case before,” said lawyer Hayden Boone. “And most of our other cases get settled outside of court. The thing that excited me most about this case is finally being able to tell my family that I’m involved in a normal CEO murder case. Usually when I try to explain my work to them they don’t understand. Shutting down a passion project a loyal fan spent years of time building as an object of love to our properties and slapping them with a million dollar fine is just as important if not more important than convincing a guy to murder.”

At press time, Mangione’s defense team have revealed that they are much less confident now that Nintendo is involved.

Spartacus Lookalike Contest Ends In Collective Draw

Posted on by Jake Mooney

ROME — A lookalike competition for the famous gladiator Spartacus ended in a massive tie as almost all contestants began asserting themselves as the true hero, local sources confirmed.

“I simply asked for the real Spartacus to make himself known so he could win the 50 copper-coin prize”, Octavius Flavia, local statesman and event organizer, lamented. “Once someone finally did, another contestant interrupted him, rather adamant that he was the true warrior. Then he got interrupted and things went off the rails from there.”

The competition ended up lasting three hours more than scheduled, with organizers eventually declaring a collective tie as contestants began shouting “I AM SPARTACUS” in defiant unison.

“I really thought I had this in the bag,” Julius Maximus, a contestant with a stark resemblance to the Thracian gladiator, gave his thoughts on the matter. “But after that first guy declared he was the true Spartacus, I realized that Spartacus isn’t about what’s out here, but in here,” Maximus explained, pointing to his heart, with tears in his eyes.

Locals who were in the area at the time reported feeling rather inspired after witnessing the spectacle.

“I was just going for a stroll, but as I heard the contestants got louder and louder, I started to wonder if I was also Spartacus.” Helena the Younger explained, with a determined look in her eye. “Before I knew it, I was a part of the growing crowd, arguing with contestants over who the true Spartacus was. I know we were fighting, but it felt weirdly unifying to be there. I’m kind of glad no one won the cash prize, it really would’ve killed the vibe we got going.”

At press time, Roman senators have outlawed lookalike competitions after a man at an Julius Caesar lookalike contest was stabbed 23 times.