Hard Drive’s 30 Over 30: Games You Swear Are Only 20 Years Old

Posted on by Kate Danvers

Whether they’re games from your childhood or games your parents played in their childhood, thirty years is a long time, and it may be hard to fathom just how long ago that was. Take a journey back in time as we look at thirty games from the late 1900s. 

1994

Warcraft: Orcs & Humans

The game that launched the franchise that launched an MMORPG that launched the profession of gold farming. The original Warcraft is often credited as starting the real-time strategy (RTS) boom of the 90s, cementing its place as a multiplayer genre. What’s a real-time strategy game? It’s like a MOBA – actually MOBAs started as RTS mods and…look, just ask your dad.

Sonic the Hedgehog 3

No, not that one. The game! Shadow wasn’t even in that one and wouldn’t appear for another seven years. We did get Knuckles the same year though in the form of Sonic & Knuckles which was a cartridge that you could also plug Sonic the Hedgehog 2 or Sonic the Hedgehog 3 into to play as Knuckles in them. He wasn’t voiced by Idris Elba though. The 1990s were a rough time.

Donkey Kong Country

Donkey Kong’s big debut as the one you know today was in 1994. The grandson of the original Donkey Kong from the–hang on, the Donkey Kong arcade machine released in 1981. So more time has passed between the debut of the modern DK than between his debut and the debut of the original DK who became Cranky Kong. Why isn’t this Donkey Kong a grandfather by now? Or a great grandfather?

Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures

In 1994, Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures came onto the scene and immediately disappointed everyone who played it expecting a traditional Pac-Man or even a good game. This was before we could watch Twitch or YouTube let’s plays to find out what a game was.

Wolverine: Adamantium Rage

Speaking of games to trick your friends into playing, Wolverine: Adamantium Rage was horrible. You had to read slow-loading dossiers to figure out boss weaknesses, deal with awful controls, and hurry through some levels, otherwise an android made to look like a little girl in a pink dress flying around with rocket shoes would catch up to you and self-destruct.

Seriously. Her name was Elsie Dee. This is what Wolverine used to have for villains.

Super Metroid

Now played by speedrunners who weren’t even alive when it was released, Super Metroid is still one of the greatest Metroidvanias. If you were around when this game first released, you probably played it for hundreds of hours. And you have arthritis now. Worth it.

1993

Myst

Puzzle games used to be a lot different. 1993 saw the release of Myst, a game that fell into the “adventure” genre. There were no on-screen tutorials or hint systems that popped up if you were on the wrong path. The only hints you got were in burnt books sitting on the shelf in a library. Some of those books had people inside who talked to you like they were on a Discord call with a bad connection. Or, you know, Skype.

Mega Man X

The first Mega Man game on the Super Nintendo featured a new era with new villains and a new protagonist, X (no, not that one). It was actually the start of a whole new series that lasted all the way into 2004 even though it really really shouldn’t have.

Bomberman ‘94

Wait, Bomberman ‘94 came out in 1993? That can’t be right.

Yeah, released in Japan in December of 1993. Maybe it was ready sooner than they thought it would be or it was like how the “2025 football” season started in 2024, and that’s why we got Madden NFL 25 in August of…2013? And again in August 2024?

Fine, moving on.

SimCity 2000

Oh, come on! You know, we had a simple and easy to follow thing going on with putting numbers at the end of game titles and movie titles. I guess calling it SimCity 2 or SimCity 1993 wasn’t cool enough. Or maybe game companies have never known what year it is. Relatable. 

Doom

No, not that one. Before game companies started to name their sequels the same thing they named their first game, we had the 1993 version of Doom. A game so influential, there was a time when first person shooters were called “Doom Clones”. Thank this game for your Halos and your Call of Dutys and your sequels that are also named Doom – respect your elders, kids.

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening

It’s not really a case of “no, not that one” if the other one is a remake of the one you’re talking about. Sure, you could just play the Nintendo Switch remake of The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening, but what if you could play one with a smaller resolution, worse graphics, and everything is shades of green? It’s like when TV was in black and white – ask your grandparents.

1992

Super Mario Kart

Once upon a time, Mario Kart was a lot different. The original only had eight characters, and no blue shells, and it wasn’t even real 3D. We didn’t have fancy polygons back in the day, we had Mode 7 which was a fancy way of making environments look 3D even though they were really 2D backgrounds. Your friend could still hit you with a red shell or drop a banana in your path on Rainbow Road, ending that friendship forever. Okay, maybe Super Mario Kart wasn’t that different.

Mortal Kombat

The first Mortal Kombat hit arcades in 1992. By today’s standards, the blood and gore is hilariously tame, but back then it was so brutal and controversial, it was one of the reasons for the creation of the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) two years later. If you haven’t played it yourself and you’re curious, search for “original Mortal Kombat”, not “Mortal Kombat 1”. The latter just gives you the 12th game in the series. Video games have terrible naming conventions. 

Alone In the Dark

Before 2024’s Alone In the Dark and 2008’s Alone In the Dark, and the 2005 film Alone In the Dark, there was Alone In the Dark. It was the game that basically launched the survival horror genre, helping to set a standard and shape many of the games that came after. Elements like fixed camera perspectives, tank controls, and other things that were complained about and abandoned as staples of the genre. 

Indiana Jones and the Fate of Atlantis

One of the old LucasArts point-and-click adventure games, Fate of Atlantis was a far cry from Indiana Jones and the Great Circle. No fancy graphics, no first person perspective, and no Troy Baker. This game’s “great circle” was the maze-like city of Atlantis and the gameplay revolved around exhausting dialog options and using everything in your inventory on everything in the environment until progress happened. They don’t make them like they used to.

Spider-Man and the X-Men in Arcade’s Revenge

Today you have Marvel Rivals, but back in 1992, we had a team-up game that put an omega-level weather goddess exclusively in underwater levels. This game only exists to trick your friends or favorite streamers into playing another terrible LJN game. 

Kirby’s Dream Land

Oh, you don’t think that’s Kirby? You think Kirby is pink? You think that’s just an inexplicably smiling Boo? Nope, that’s what greeted anyone who bought the first Kirby game on the Game Boy. If they played it, they’d see that he was green – like everything else in the game. It was only the sequels that turned him pink. If that happened today, you’d see a lot of YouTube videos from reactionaries complaining about “white erasure” or something. 

1991

Civilization

Hard to believe civilization only just started in 1991 and now it’s going to end in 2025. We’d say we had a good run, but…no. 

Street Fighter II (arcade)

Get in the comments and say this screenshot is from the wrong Street Fighter II – you won’t. You know why? Nobody can tell the three thousand different versions of Street Fighter II apart. All that’s left is for Capcom to do a soft reboot of the series, naming it simply Street Fighter and then make a sequel.

Oh, and the game is really good and influential and still holds up today or something. You’ve already gone back to playing Street Fighter VI so who cares? 

Battletoads

There are two types of Battletoads players: those who beat the game back in 1991, and goddamn liars. You think your Elden Ring or your Ghosts of Tsushima are difficult? Turbo Tunnel and Clinger Winger send their regards. The pause music slapped though. 

Duke Nukem

Duke didn’t always have sunglasses, the voice acting of Jon St. John, and one-liners stolen from movies. The original was a sidescroller that barely resembles where the series ended up. It got some good sequels over the years before taking fourteen years to develop the game that was the final nail in the coffin in 2011. These days if a sequel to a game is terrible, you just have to wait till next year’s sequel.

Final Fantasy II – err, Final Fantasy IV

The one with Cecil and Golbez. Yeah, Final Fantasy II and Final Fantasy III weren’t originally localized in North America, so to avoid confusion, Final Fantasy IV got renamed to Final Fantasy II. But then Final Fantasy V didn’t get localized and Final Fantasy VI was localized as Final Fantasy III before Final Fantasy VII released and set the sequel numbers right.

This wasn’t complicated, it was very simple to understand. Totally different from the modern day sequel naming problems. 

The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past

Arguably one of the more influential games in the series, A Link to the Past introduced a lot of elements that would be present in many of the following games. Oh sure, now it’s only played by streamers playing randomizers, but back in the day, this game was king. Ugh, zoomers and their randomizers. Enjoy getting 20 rupees over and over before ever finding a sword, nerd. 

1990

Mega Man 3

The Mega Man game that introduced sliding and completely lost the plot when it came to boss weaknesses. There was no internet to look this stuff up either. If you didn’t have a subscription to Nintendo Power, you probably had no clue what a top or a gemini were weak to. Not much else to say about it other than Mega Man’s face on the stage select screen is a whole mood.

King’s Quest V

Gamers today don’t get to talk about annoying characters or cheap deaths in games. Not unless they’ve dealt with Cedric the owl or clicking exactly the right pixel to walk along a path and not throw themselves off a mountain.

Dr. Mario

No, Dr. Mario isn’t just a joke character in Smash Bros., there was a puzzle game in 1990 where he threw pills in a bottle full of viruses. Where did he get a medical degree? Why did he go back to plumbing? You know, we didn’t ask these questions. We didn’t need “lore” or “timelines” or “continuity.” You want to figure it out? Play it on your Nintendo Switch online library and make a Game Theory video about it.

Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers

Before games had inventories and upgrade systems and all of that nonsense, we had boss fights with giant enemies and a little red ball we were supposed to throw at them. The good old days when licensed games had almost nothing to do with their source material. At least it was simple – the type of game you could play these days while multitasking. 

Super Mario World

There was really no following Super Mario Bros. 3, but Super Mario World tried. If you ever wonder where Yoshi came from, it’s this game. If you ever wonder why Nintendo started and then immediately stopped putting multiple exits in Mario levels, it’s this game. 

The Secret of Monkey Island

Okay, you want to talk about stupid puzzles in point-and-click adventure games? Kids these days don’t know how good they have it being able to look up answers online. They can watch YouTube videos to figure out how to defeat bosses and solve puzzles for their $70 games. We should have listened to Guybrush’s words from the ending.

And that’s our 30 Over 30 list. If you’ve never played some of these, try to track down copies to see how gaming was in the early to mid-90s. And if you played these games when they were new, call your doctor and get your prostate checked.

Nintendo Announces Switch 2 Cartridges Can Be Taken Rectally

Posted on by Ben Friedman

KYOTO — In a surprise Nintendo Direct regarding the Switch 2 details, the company has revealed that the new console’s cartridges can enter the human body rectally, their official social media accounts have confirmed.

“We clearly underestimated how many people out there have pica disorder, considering how many complaints we received over the taste of Switch cartridges despite the fact that was to deter ingestion. So one of the improvements we designed for the Switch 2 is the ability to shove the games directly up your ass. It was more cost effective than developing a palatable chemical to coat the cartridges with,” said Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser. “Instead, each game will be coated with lubricant so they’ll easily install it into the Switch 2 system or right up into your anal cavity. We hope this feature will sate your need to put our products inside your bodies for some reason. We pulled most of our resources off developing the next F-Zero game to work on this.”

Product testers were eager to get their hands on the new cartridges for their YouTube reviews.

“You know how someone tells you not to do something, and it just makes you want to do it even more? I actually did the taste test a few years ago because Nintendo can’t stop me, and my taste buds still haven’t recovered. So the green light to put cartridges up my butt is a big improvement. I don’t care if these new games need to be surgically installed in my brain, I need to be the first to review them and own the algorithm, dammit! I’ve been waiting so long just for anything Switch 2 related, so if I have to shove a few copies of Mario Kart 9 up my ass then so be it.,” said James Wallace. “It’s that little protruding piece at the top of the cartridge I’m a little worried about, but then again people doubted the GameCube and Wii controllers at first. I just have to trust the Nintendo design team that they know what they’re doing.”

Nintendo later added the Switch 2 Joy-Cons would be ribbed and powered by the same motor used in Hitachi wands.

Activision Announces “Cabela’s Big Game Hunter: Endangered Species Edition” for High-Ranking American Businessmen

Posted on by Steve Packosky

SANTA MONICA, Calif. — Video game publisher Activision has announced “Cabela’s Big Game Hunter: Endangered Species Edition” for high-ranking business executives and sons of prominent politicians, sources report.

“Our past hunting games were huge successes with our country’s working class, so we wanted to cater more towards the 1% with this release,” Activision spokesperson Andrew Morris said. “Everybody has heard stories of corporate officials going on controlled hunts in Africa to needlessly stalk and kill beautiful, majestic endangered species like elephants and rhinoceroses, so we wanted to convert that experience to a gaming setting. The result is a perfectly rendered simulation that should sate the bloodthirst of even the most sadistic members of the elite.”

Restaurateur and former chairman of Jimmy John’s sandwich chain Jimmy John Liautaud commented on the upcoming game.

“My current philanthropic work with the Liautaud Family Foundation doesn’t always allow me to go on African safari, so this is great,” Liautaud offered. “Of course, there’s no greater rush than sneaking up on a defenseless elephant and blasting its brains out for literally no reason, but this new game looks like it will be a perfectly serviceable simulacrum. The only missing feature is the ability to pose next to the corpses with a thumbs up, so I suppose that’ll have to wait until I can get back out to Namibia.”

Animal rights activist Rhonda McClain had mixed feelings about the release.

“The premise of this game is disgusting and something I would never play,” McClain remarked. “However, the ability to act out fantasies in a virtual setting is kind of the point with video games. If this keeps even one psychopathic aristocrat from killing an actual animal, I’m all for it. Hell, now that Trump is back in office, the American public should support Don Jr. and Eric playing this game. That would certainly be better than those two worthless idiots going on another African killing spree, especially because now they’d be doing so at the taxpayer’s expense.”

At press time, Activision was working on a “Most Dangerous Game” DLC expansion that would allow the player to hunt other humans.

New Mario Kart Course an Eerily Accurate Map of Your Home

Posted on by Cameron Lehr

YOUR HOMETOWN — During a recent session of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, you noticed that the map you were currently getting blasted on was an exact model of your home, sources confirm.

“I was doing really good, okay,” you claimed. “There I was cruising along this new map in first place when I noticed one of the pictures on the wall looked a lot like my mother. I figured it was some kind of Freudian thing and didn’t think much of it but as I rounded the corner and drove into what looked like my exact living room I was justifiably scared shitless. It threw off my whole game. That’s why I lost!”

Andy Jackson, an investigative specialist for the FBI, revealed that were not the only individual whose home was adapted into a cartoon racetrack.

“This is one of a number of cases we’ve received about this issue,” said Jackson. “Some people are saying, ‘Hey, what’s the harm? It’s pretty cool to see my home alongside tracks like Coconut Mall and DK Mountain.’ I ask these people to please think of the ramifications. Sure, it’s cool to have Mario and Peach racing across your home office, but you Red Shell the wrong kid, and—boom!—he lands right on your exposed tax documents. Next thing you know the whole lobby is going crazy about your W-2’s” 

Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa released a statement responding to the controversy.

“We at Nintendo value above all us the safety and well being of our customers,” wrote Furukawa. “We seek to create joy and bring happiness through our games. Many players have expressed concern with the recent digital adaptation of their personal physical spaces, and we hear you. But this is nothing new in the current gaming marketplace. If you think Zuckerburg isn’t sending data from your Oculus to furniture manufacturers overseas, then we here at Nintendo have a Mushroom Bridge to sell you. So everyone just relax and remember how cool Tears of the Kingdom was.” 

At press time, Nintendo encouraged you and all Mario Kart players to stay safe, wear clothes around the house, and generally make your living spaces less visibly depressing.

Max Payne Remake Devs Promise to Fix “Pesky” Slowdown Issue During Shootouts

Posted on by Simon Bower

ESPOO, Finland — Remedy Entertainment have assured fans of the Max Payne franchise that their upcoming remake will finally address longstanding technical problems that caused the original game to slow dramatically in high-octane gunfights.

“I’m glad we can make it up to the fans after all this time,” said Ruuben Koivula, a developer at Remedy. “When we were working on the PS2 and Xbox original hardware, we kept running into this pesky issue where once bullets started flying, the frame rate just chugged to a crawl—particularly if you were diving through the air or blowing someone halfway across the room with a shotgun. I swear we tried everything to fix it, and I know the whole team was very frustrated when we had to ship a game with action sequences far more stylish and satisfying than we’d intended. Thankfully the technology has finally caught up to our ambitions, and now we can deliver a Max Payne game where you turn a corner and are immediately riddled with bullets from seven unseen henchmen, just like we always dreamed.”

Remedy creative director Sam Lake also spoke of his eagerness to fix the flaws of the original.

“Max Payne is a very grounded and mature story,” said Lake, “and the combat was always supposed to reflect that. It wasn’t supposed to be ‘cool’ or ‘fun’, and that annoying bug where you could jump through a window in slow-motion while taking out five bad guys with headshots really muddled that message. I mean, his wife and child were murdered, is that ‘cool’? That’s why in this remake we’re also replacing all of those comic panels we used for story sequences, because this is a serious game for adults. Not little babies who read comic books and want to play as some kind of superhero, impervious to bullets and the passage of time.”

Fans of the Max Payne series have already expressed their enthusiasm for the updates.

“Thank goodness,” began one comment on the Max Payne subreddit, “I’ve always loved these games, but those moments where I was clearing out an entire warehouse full of enemies like a John Wick movie directed by John Woo were a huge black mark on the franchise. Excited to play a less dated, less interesting version of the classic I adored. I hope they make more changes. With the high quality visuals you can get on modern consoles, it’d be a shame if Remedy didn’t give us a brighter, more colorful Max Payne to make the most of that.” 

At press time, staff at Remedy had reportedly hired a 20-year-old fashion influencer to be Max Payne’s new facial model.

Game Night: Fight Demons With the Power of God and Anime in ‘Blade Chimera’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Someone recommended Blade Chimera to me as a sort of palette cleanser, and I’m glad they did. At a point when the term “Metroidvania” is starting to lose all meaning, Blade Chimera is a fun, fast-moving flashback to the classic 2D action games that originally lent their name to the subgenre.

I didn’t realize this before I started, but Blade Chimera was developed by the Japanese studio Team Ladybug, which previously made 2021’s Record of Lodoss War: Deedlit in Wonder Labyrinth. I enjoyed that game, which is a similarly classic sort of Metroidvania, but it ends right when it feels like it’s hitting its stride.

Blade Chimera is a much bigger project, which draws on equal parts mythology, cyberpunk, and anime. It’s got a couple of annoying glitches and an inconsistent difficulty curve, but BC plays out like a list of reasons why people like Metroidvanias in the first place.

BC is set in 2065, 30 years after the appearance of a horde of demons that wiped out most of human civilization. Survivors have built an enclave in the ruins of Osaka, which is defended by a religious order of warriors called the Holy Union.

Shin is one of the Union’s Venerators, a solo operator who investigates reports of demonic activity throughout the city. He’s also an amnesiac, with no memory of who he was before he joined the Union.

After being dispatched to investigate a disturbance at an abandoned shopping mall, Shin meets Lux, a friendly sword demon with the power to manipulate time. She offers to partner up with him, which saves Shin’s life about 5 minutes later. However, meeting a demon who isn’t simply a mindless killer shakes Shin’s faith in the teachings of the Holy Union. That puts him and Lux on a collision course with Shin’s superiors, his past, and the demons that still threaten Osaka.

The word I keep wanting to use for BC is “competent,” which sounds like I’m damning it with faint praise. It’s a game that was made by a team that understands their genre. Almost everything about it just works, from its combat systems to its smooth animation to its pixel art, to a degree that I’ve come to appreciate as rare.

BC starts slow, with Shin on a solo mission, and gives you a few simple challenges before Lux shows up. If you’ve played a decent 2D action game in the last 30 years, from Ninja Gaiden to Neva, you’ll have a feel for BC almost immediately.

Shin comes equipped with a dodge roll that provides a generous number of invincibility frames and two slots in which to equip weapons. That includes a variety of firearms, alongside standard RPG gear like swords, knives, and whips.

The guns are a weird highlight here, if only because I thought they’d be useless. I grew up playing Japanese games like Dead Rising and Aria of Sorrow where guns were present, but dealt lousy damage compared to any kind of melee attack. Instead, they’re effective and dangerous from the start in BC. Once you get hold of a shotgun, most of the demons in Osaka no longer pose a serious threat.

Once Lux joins the team, you gain access to her weird style of magic. You can use Lux to exploit tears in time, which rewind the clock on specific objects in your environment: missing items reappear, broken vehicles fix themselves, and strong memories become visible. You can also stick Lux into nearby walls, which lets you use her blade as a stepping stone or trigger certain switches.

As you make progress, Shin and Lux end up interacting with one another in an interesting way. Lux’s abilities all run off of your MP meter, which gets refilled when you inflict damage with Shin’s weapons. Conversely, Shin heals slightly whenever you hit enemies or destructible objects with Lux’s blade. You’re a lot more self-sufficient in the field in BC than in most games in its lane.

When you level up, you earn points to spend on Lux’s skill tree to unlock more abilities. This includes the genre-standard double jump and slide kick, a few expensive subweapon attacks, the ability to spin Lux in place as an improvised shield, and most crucially, a passive skill that lets you warp directly to any explored space on the map at almost any time.

The warp skill sticks out to me, as it’s the kind of random quality-of-life bonus that many other action games would be terrified to give to the player. BC’s got a lot of features like that, where it simply hands you a skill, ability, or item that, at a glance, seems completely broken. Shin and Lux’s self-healing is another good example, or some of Lux’s bigger direct nuke spells.

The trade-off is that much of BC is a game of rocket tag. Shin’s HP doesn’t go up automatically with each level, so unless you carefully explore every inch of the map for upgrades, he can end up feeling remarkably fragile. Your self-healing and big spells are huge assets, but there are plenty of areas in BC’s Osaka where a new enemy or hazard can unceremoniously cut you in half. The result is a game that can feel really easy, right up until it suddenly doesn’t.

That uneven difficulty might be BC’s biggest flaw, alongside a couple of issues I’ve had with Lux’s controls. Sometimes she simply won’t come out at all when I hit the appropriate button, or will stick in a wall at an angle for no apparent reason.

That’s my only real complaint, though. I could see someone bouncing off of Blade Chimera if their tolerances for Metroidvanias or anime are lower than mine, but if you’ve ever enjoyed other games in its genre pool, there’s no reason not to pick it up. It’s a short, fun run through a surprisingly cozy apocalypse. If Team Ladybug ever wants to come back to this universe, I’d be interested.

[Blade Chimera, developed by Team Ladybug and published by PLAYISM, is now available for Nintendo Switch and Steam for $19.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative from PLAYISM.]

Resolution to Quit Smoking Immediately Fails With Mad Men Rewatch

Posted on by Dan Bookbinder

ASTORIA, NY— Contrary to his investment in nicotine gum and promises to his loved ones, local man, Conor Wyles, postponed his plans to quit smoking after streaming the first season of “Mad Men.”

“I’m not a New Years resolution guy, but with cigarettes being $19 now, it was time to quit. I’ve been trying for a while, but it’s already been a rough year, just the cultural conflicts and political turmoil, it’s a lot like the 1960s,” said Wyles while loosening a skinny tie to light up with a vintage Korean War army-issue lighter. “Did you know that in Greek, literally means pain from an old wound. This [cigarette] isn’t a space ship, it’s a time machine. It goes backwards, forwards. It takes us to a place where we ache to go again. Like a carousel.”

Wyles’ romantic attachment to smoking has drawn concern from his loved ones.

“It’s 2025, who smokes anymore? It’s disgusting. I’m obviously worried about his health, I want to spend many more years revisiting prestige TV shows with Conor. I just wish he wasn’t so impressionable” said Wyle’s Fiance Lucy Yokoi while spraying Febreeze on her couch. “We just finished ‘The Sopranos,’ I appreciated him cooking baked ziti, but I could do without being called a stunad when I called him out on his casual racism.”

According to experts, what’s happened to Wyles is not an uncommon phenomenon.

“The negative influence of media is a common lightning rod for politicians looking to make a name for themselves, from congressional hearings over horror comic books in the 1950s to the violent video game uproar of the 1990s, but research proves time and again that the media does not cause negative effects in children” said University of Virginia Psychologist Dr. Marilyn Alexander. “However, men of a certain age are highly suggestible to take on the affectations of aspirational characters, known in psychiatry circles as ’The Lebowski Effect’ wherein a man will order White Russians for two weeks after watching ’The Big Lebowski.’

At press time, Wyles couldn’t be reached for comment, but according to his Amazon Prime account he just completed the episode where Harry Crane smoked pot and ate 20 White Castle sliders by himself.

Shang Tsung Starting To Think That Last Soul Not Sitting Right

Posted on by Steve Packosky

EARTHREALM — Powerful sorcerer and host of Mortal Kombat Shang Tsung found himself experiencing digestive irritation following his absorption of the soul of a defeated fighter, sources report.

“It’s the first day of the tournament, so there have been a lot of fights over the past few hours,” Shang Tsung groaned while clutching his stomach. “I knew I was in for a rough afternoon when I felt full after the third fight. The last loser was just some random Muay Thai expert from Colorado, and I really should not have indulged because I’ve already absorbed the souls of countless fighters just like him, but I just couldn’t resist. I’m really regretting it now.”

Shang Tsung’s chief ally and Prince of the Shokan Goro reflected on his friend’s stomach troubles.

“I told Shang Tsung to take it easy, but he obviously didn’t listen,” Goro reflected. “This happens every tournament, so I’m starting to think he completely forgets how miserable overconsumption makes him. If past years are any indication, he’s going to be up all night vomiting and shitting his brains out. He’ll get better as the fighters thin out tomorrow, but he needs to take it easy for now. Honestly, I’m concerned how this will affect his performance if he needs to fight. There’s this new guy here named Liu Kang who looks pretty formidable. He’d have to go through me first, so obviously I’m not terribly worried, but you never know.”

Gastroenterologist Kira Campillai weighed in on the situation.

“Video game players don’t often think about the effect their favorite characters’ diets have on their guts, but it’s very common for them to experience distress,” Campillai said. “I’ve had Kirby in my office countless times, and Alucard consistently finds himself suffering after eating turkey and pudding he finds in the walls of his father’s castle. My advice to Shang Tsung is to exhibit self-control going forward, and maybe accompany his soul absorption with a kombucha or some kimchi.”

At press time, Shang Tsung’s condition worsened after he was accidentally struck in the stomach by a stray lightning bolt from Raiden.

Elon Musk’s White House Office Revealed to be Just a Ball Pit

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

WASHINGTON — The office Elon Musk has been given inside of the second Trump White House is reported to have been retrofitted to function as a ball pit.

Chief of Staff Susie Wiles says the ball pit was installed at Musk’s personal request.

“He told us that he works better when he can pretend he’s at a McDonald’s PlayPlace, or Chuck E. Cheese,” Wiles told the press. “So far all I’ve seen him do in there is laugh at memes he’s stolen and reposted on his X – The Everything App account, scream at someone on the phone about why it’s taking so long for his latest Path of Exile II hardcore character to be ready for him to use, and ask every staffer who walks by if they’d like to, ‘fondle his balls’.”

Posting on X – The Everything App, Musk insisted whatever he’s doing in his new office is in the official capacity of the Department of Government Efficiency, or DOGE.

“Those infected by the Woke Mind Virus will believe any lie they’re told by the Deep State!🤣🤣🤣,” Musk wrote, “It’s not a ‘ball pit’, it’s a revolutionary office layout that’s been designed to maximize the most hardcore results when you’re literally saving the planet, like I am. First they said I wasn’t actually that smart, and that every success I’ve had in life was due to having the capital to make up for my lack of any real talent! Then they said ‘Oh, Elon is a Nazi!’ because I threw my heart out to the crowd during the inauguration. Sorry, but how many Nazis do you know who have ever set foot in Auschwitz? No Nazis have ever been there! Suddenly believing and saying all the things that Nazis say and believe makes you a Nazi, but that is just so ignorant. Wearing those really cool uniforms, that’s what makes you a Nazi.”

President Trump, who has been busy making good on his promise to improve the lives of Americans by renaming the “Gulf of Mexico” to the “Gulf of America”, and pardoning everyone who illegally stormed the Capitol spoke in defense of Musk at his most recent rally.

“Elon is a great guy. We love Elon, don’t we folks? That’s why we gave him those balls. They’re wonderful, very colorful, let me tell you. He said he hoped it might make his kids visit – why the hell would he want that- I don’t know. I can’t seem to get rid of my own kids! But we love this little thing called money. And that’s what it’s about, isn’t it folks?” Trump said between riffs. “And now these radical leftists, fascist, Marxist, Democrats are saying he’s a Nazi, folks, can you- richest man –even richer than me if you can believe it– is a Nazi! Frankly, I don’t know if there ever was a thing called a ‘Nazi’. The whole “Holocaust” thing sounds like it was made up by George Soros to impose his radical leftist agenda.”

At press time, Musk was trying to fish his phone from the bottom of the ballpit in his office so he could post another “kek” for his “frens”.

For No Reason in Particular Here’s a Bunch of Games Where You Kill Nazis

Posted on by Matt Fresh

The Nazis are the most despicable scum to ever walk the face of the earth. Thankfully they were defeated in World War 2 and have been extinct ever since. Yep, that was the end of them. They were handedly defeated and have stayed dead. They certainly haven’t been festering in the shadows for decades, infiltrating all facets of society and corrupting everything until the Nazi belief system became openly popular among people, mostly men, who have never been able to reckon with the real reasons no one likes them and they’ve never experienced what it’s like for a single human being to ever truly love them.

What a crazy thing that would be, certainly way too outlandish to ever be plausible because like I said the Nazis have been extinct since basically the entire world beat the shit out of them because they were widely recognized as the clear bad guys of modern history. They’re dead and never coming back. And they certainly won’t end up controlling the American government after the American people elect an openly fascist administration who employs people who openly sieg heil on a national stage with no repercussions. Where would you get that insane idea?

Anyway, for no reason in particular, here’s a list of games where you get to kill Nazis because killing Nazis is fun and has been since at least 1939.

Various Call of Dutys

Once upon a time, before the Nazi killing was reserved for online lobbies, Call of Duty had games take place in World War 2. These games let you kill Nazis in glorious Michael Bay-like set pieces and if there’s anything better than killing Nazis, it’s killing hundreds of them in glorious explosions for 7 hours straight. And if you wanted more you could kill all the Nazis again in Nazi Zombie mode.

Various Medal of Honors

Before there was Call of Duty, there was Medal of Honor and frankly it’s a shame that Call of Duty won out because Medal of Honor was awesome. Spearheaded by Steven Spielberg himself, the Medal of Honor games were absolute gems with good stories, good level design and most importantly, lots of Nazi killing.

Indiana Jones and the Great Circle

You know what’s better than shooting Nazis to death? Beating them to death with any blunt object you can find. You know what’s even better than that? Beating them to death with your bare hands. Those are all things that you can do in Indiana Jones and the Great Circle and it is glorious.

The Saboteur

The Saboteur is a cool game where you play as a cool Irishman who helps fight back against the Nazi occupation of Paris. Not only do you kill tons of Nazis in this but you also completely disrupt their operations and that’s a nice little cherry on top. And since this takes place in 1940s France, the soundtrack consists solely of old jazz songs and that’s extra cool. Killing Nazis is sweet but killing them to the sultry tunes of Ella Fitzgerald, that’s pure bliss.

South Park: The Stick of Truth

Despite being a turn based RPG where all the kids are playing a fantasy LARP, South Park: The Stick of Truth still has the decency to include Nazi zombies for you to kill and fart on. Say what you want about Matt and Trey but even they know that every game genre and setting is improved when you include the ability to kill Nazis.

Every Competitive Multiplayer Game

If you are playing a video online against other gamers, it doesn’t matter what you are playing, you’re eventually going to be placed in a match where someone on the other team (and let’s face it, your team) is a Nazi.

Sniper Elite

The Sniper Elite games are a gift to this world because they understand that the only thing more satisfying than shooting a Nazi in the balls is watching the bullet tear through their tiny tesitcles in glorious slow motion x-ray vision.

Zombie Army

Speaking of Sniper Elite, unlike those cowards making Call of Duty, the people making Sniper Elite were smart enough to realize that killing Nazi zombies should not be relegated to an extra mode, there should be four full games dedicated to it.

Captain America Super Soldier

Released as the movie tie-in to Captain America: The First Avenger, this game is essentially a clone of Batman: Arkham Asylum except instead of beating up thugs from New Jersey as Batman, you’re beating up Nazis as Captain America. Because that’s what real patriots do, they beat the shit out of Nazis.

Bloodrayne

Before there was Bayonetta, there was Bloodrayne. These two hack n’ slash hotties have a couple key differences. For one, Bayonetta is a witch, Bloodrayne is a vampire. Bayonetta has glasses, Bloodrayne is a red head and unfortunately neither of them have both of those characteristics. But the main difference is Bayonetta kills demons and Bloodrayne kills Nazis. This makes Bloodrayne better by default.

Company of Heroes

So what if the Nazis are teeny tiny in COH, aren’t all Nazis teeny tiny. I can’t right click those fucks to death fast enough. The only thing worse than a Nazi is Company of Heroes 2.

Wolfenstein

The cream of the crop when it comes to Nazi killing games. You can’t go wrong with any of the Wolfenstein games. In fact you should just play them all. This series essentially created the first person shooter genre. That’s right, FPS games, like all good things, were born out of the act of killing Nazis. Go kill robot Hitler in Wolfenstein 3D. Go slaughter every Nazi in sight when you Return to Castle Wolfenstein. Go disintegrate Nazis into piles of goo in the underrated Wolfenstein from 2009. Become the ultimate Nazi killing machine in Wolfenstein: The New Order and Wolfenstein: The New Colossus. B.J. Blaskowitz is the greatest hero in the history of the universe because he has only one goal, one purpose, one function, and that’s to ruthlessly slaughter Nazis.

Path of Exile 2

There is PvP in Path of Exile 2 and at least one known Nazi player. Go ahead and kill him when his Boosting Ground worker is off the clock.