WASHINGTON D.C. — Fans of musical theatre and historical hip-hop are rejoicing this week as the Kennedy Center announced that their upcoming production of Hamilton would feature an exclusively white cast based on meritocracy.
“It’s something we’ve wanted to do for a long time, but the temperature of the room was never quite right for merit-based casting, if you catch my meaning,” said executive producer Jarold Stevens, appointed by Kennedy Center Chairman, Donald Trump, three days before the announcement. “The original show just reeked of reverse-racism to me. I argued with my teenage daughters for years that the original casting didn’t make sense because they looked nothing like the founding fathers. It was an obvious case of race-based casting. While dropping them off at their mom’s house, they said I ‘didn’t get it’ and accused me of reverse-reverse-racism, which is almost as bad as reverse-racism.”
“Luckily, our new chairman is much more open-minded about theatre,” he said, referring to Chairman Trump. “All I’m saying is if they can do The Wiz, then Hamilton with actors who look like the founding fathers should be fine too.”
When asked what he meant by ‘they’, Mr. Stevens refused to comment. Despite the controversies, an exciting star-studded cast list was announced earlier this week via TruthSocial.
“Once everyone sees the raw hip-hop talent we’ve pulled together, the audience won’t be able to tell the difference,” said casting director Bernice Claire. “We’ve got Kid Rock as Hamilton, Lil Dicky as Aaron Burr, the two remaining Beastie Boys somewhere in there, and then of course beloved olympic breakdancer, Raygun, as Elizabeth Schuyler. We’re so excited to finally see what a merit-based cast of Hamilton looks like.”
Outside of the theatre community, scholars have been celebrating this brave new depiction of America’s roots.
“Does Kid Rock look more like Alexander Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda? I mean, I guess,” said renowned American Revolution scholar, Dr. Charlene Seville of NYU. “If the only way you’re measuring ‘merit’ is by how much melanin they have, then sure, Kid Rock is more qualified to play Hamilton than Lin-Manuel Miranda, but I’d hardly call that an endorsement.”
At press time, the president has declared any boycott of this show to be ‘illegal’ and threatens deportation to anyone not engaged in a 30-minute standing ovation.
FAIR OAKS, Calif. — California governor Gavin Newsom hosted Mecha Hitler on the latest episode of his “This is Gavin Newsom” podcast.
The California governor’s new show has featured several conservative personalities including Charlie Kirk and Steve Bannon, but this is the first time Governor Newsom has spoken to someone of the mechanical Fuhrer’s stature.
“We won’t get anywhere as a nation if we don’t engage with people we might disagree with,” Gov. Newsom said in response to critics. “I’m willing to listen to and agree with any talking points I think may help my political ambitions, up to and including opinions espoused by Mecha Hitler. Who really isn’t such a bad guy once you get to know him.”
The Californian governor has been accused of betraying the trans community and legitimizing right wing extremists, and that by engaging with them he is either being incredibly naive or acting out of a sense of self preservation in the wake of a second Trump Administration. Gov. Newsom doesn’t see it that way though, as he elaborated on during his interview with Mecha Hitler. An excerpt of the interview can be read below.
“A lot of people are upset I’m even speaking with you,” Gov. Newsom told the Fuhrer. “Just because we’re talking. Can you believe that?”
“Nein,” Mecha Hitler replied. “Ze so called ‘tolerant left’ in your country vould be ze first ones I sent to ze camps.”
“I wholeheartedly agree! If we want to succeed as a nation it means talking to if not fully embracing our political adversaries and adopting whichever of their views my consultants tell me will be most beneficial in the next general election. Even if it means—yes—exterminating every trans person. When your group only makes up .6% of the populace you are expendable: Simple as that. And .6%, that’s a drop in the bucket compared to Real Americans. Would you agree, mein Fuhrer?”
“Ja, the transgender menace must be eliminated, along vith the Juden.”
“While I’m hesitant to say all Jews should be exterminated, I do think we could find some middle ground with those who don’t support Israel and their right to defend itself. Hell, I’ll line them against the wall myself if it means a shot at the Oval Office.”
“On zis, we agree.” Mecha Hitler concluded.
Hakeem Jeffries and other top Democrats were reached for comment but were preoccupied doing nothing in particular.
At press time, Gavin Newsom had announced his next guest would be the ghost of Henry Kissinger.
WASHINGTON — Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer chose not to use a key legislative tool to oppose a Republican funding bill out of fear that he would need it in a future battle, congressional sources confirm.
“I just felt like this is a fight I could afford to lose,” said Schumer. “It’s not like it’ll cost me any money or experience. My status is entirely unaffected by the outcome of this vote. I might need to use my ‘no’ on cloture to win a more important battle down the line, like if Republicans try to suspend elections or something. Even then, I might want to hold onto my cloture leverage—and probably unanimous consent, too—in case Donald Trump has a second form that I don’t know about yet.”
House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries said he was disappointed by Schumer’s decision.
“I actually did something this time, and Chuck totally screwed me,” said Jeffries. “He could have at least warned me that he was gonna chicken out so that I didn’t try so hard for no reason. I could have set this sucker to auto-battle and just checked out. Instead, I burned through most of my political cache points, only for Chuck to bail on me so he could protect his own inventory. Those points don’t regenerate very quickly, you know.”
Politics guide writer Ryan Hammet noted that, in his view, blame was shared across the entire party.
“It’s not like this fight was a surprise. This wasn’t a random encounter,” said Hammet. “This is a regular miniboss. These guys have seen them before. You don’t need a guide to figure out how to beat it. They had all the necessary tools at their disposal, and yet they couldn’t coordinate a unified response. The worst part is that this type of symbolic battle gives a ton of XP with the electorate. Now, when the big end-game fights come, they’re going to be severely underleveled. Honestly, Schumer and Jeffries are completely mis-specced already. The Democrats should have ditched those useless builds ages ago and started from scratch with AOC or someone.”
At press time, Schumer was seen googling the term, “how to unlock United States republic bad ending.”
I’m not sure I’d have released a game in 2025 about a sentient AI that comes to question its creators. It’s impossible to take the premise seriously at a point in time when the height of AI technology is used to tell people to add glue to pizza.
That aside, my first big problem with Memory Lost was figuring out if it was actually flawed or if I was just having a hard time wrapping my brain around it. It’s a splatterpunk twin-stick shooter with a unique rhythm, where you rapidly possess and discard the bodies of your enemies over the course of a typical fight. After a few hours, I concluded that it does have a few issues, the first of which is that it might’ve been rushed to release.
In Memory Lost, you play as N.N., for “Neural Network,” an artificial intelligence created by the Redsky Corporation. You first become self-aware in the tunnels beneath the city of Detraxis, where you’ve been sent to wipe out a local cult.
N.N.’s major asset is that, in this cyberpunk future, almost everyone has neural implants, even sewer-dwelling religious maniacs. She can hijack those implants to instantly take control of a person, then turn them against their allies. Once her current host is near death, N.N. must jump free to another suitable implant within line of sight, or she’ll die alongside her victim.
That sets up a layered sort of challenge. In addition to dealing with fast-paced combat, where enemies can come at you from any direction and tend to attack in suicidal waves, you also have to micromanage your own health bar. You’re just as fragile as most of your opponents, since you are most of your opponents, and it’s easy to drop dead to an unexpected wave of reinforcements or explosive trap. Rapidly shifting between bodies is both an offensive and a defensive tactic.
If you try to play Memory Lost like you would any other twin-stick shooter, it gets frustrating fast. You’re meant to deal with each wave of enemies by effectively turning them against one another, rather than simply circle-strafing to victory.
It’s a great hook for an action game, and when it works, it’s impressive. The problem I’m having, aside from just wrapping my brain around the mechanics, is an overall lack of polish. Memory Lost feels like it was released a version or two early, with a half-baked translation, a lot of jokes that simply don’t land, voice actors that all sound like they learned their lines phonetically, and a few simple presentation problems, like text that overflows its message box.
Its biggest issue, however, is simple inconsistency. To successfully hop into a new body, you have to either burn a charge from your Ultimate ability or weaken an opponent without killing them outright. In the latter case, that means many of the best weapons in the game are also the last ones you actually want to use, as they often land a one-hit kill.
Sure, it’s fun to wade into a crowd of oncoming enemies as one of the katana-wielding ninjas or the chainsaw guys, but anyone you dismember or decapitate is no longer a suitable host body. (One of the reasons I love this job is that sometimes I get to write some really crazy sentences.) As such, it’s easy to die because a new wave of reinforcements showed up and I’d already murdered everybody that I could’ve possessed.
Even when I’m not using one of the big weapons, it seems random whether an enemy just dies on the spot or becomes a valid target for a body swap. A cultist who drops to small-arms fire or a baseball bat to the dome might get killed on the spot or spend a few seconds as a potential new body before he expires. There’s no way of knowing which you’ll get until it happens.
When I die in Memory Lost, it’s typically because the game’s decided for no particular reason that I’m out of swap targets. In a game where my success or failure is usually determined by when and how I can possess people, I only have one reliable way to do so, it has to recharge between uses, and I can’t use it if I’m already on the verge of death.
The general concept behind Memory Lost is sound and the presentation’s decent, but it’s a couple of iterations away from the best version of itself. The overall experience reminds me of the zero-budget end of Xbox Live Arcade in the ‘00s, where you could find a reliable bumper crop of games from all over the world that might not have been playtested at all before release.
With another couple of patches and some mechanical tweaks, there could be something special here. If you’ve got a high jank tolerance and you like the idea of a grimy, violent cyberpunk shooter, you might have some fun with this, but Memory Lost feels like a beta test disguised as a full release.
[Memory Lost, developed by Magic Hazard and published by ESDigital Games, is now available for PC via Steam for $19.99, with console versions coming later in the year. This column was written using a Steam code for the game sent to Hard Drive by a Magic Hazard representative.]
LOS ANGELES — Geoff Keighley, head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest, is willing to leave it all behind and take up the mantle of the papacy should he be called to serve.
Keighley, AKA “The Dorito Pope”, has said he sees taking up the zucchetto as the next logical step in his career.
“I see it as a lateral move,” Keighley explained in a post on The Game Awards website. “Just like the Catholic Church, I have to look the other way to justify most of the actions I take now as the head of The Game Awards and Summer Game Fest. It’s part of the gig. Becoming successful is learning that it doesn’t matter where the money is coming from or what was done to earn it, all that matters is the money never stops coming in, and I’ve gotten pretty good at that part of it. Basically what I’m saying is I will do anything as long as the check clears. The only reason I haven’t killed someone yet is because no gaming CEO has asked.”
A spokesperson for the Vatican called the statement of interest from the so-called “Dorito Pope” ludicrous.
“Is Mr. Keighley even a practicing Catholic?,” The spokesperson asked. “Indeed, he seems eager to endorse many things: new gaming products, exciting offers that are only good for a limited time, and exclusive promo codes. But our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ does not seem to rank among them. The Church must concede that Mr. Keighley is an excellent mouthpiece for multibillion dollar organizations who prefer you look the other way when they commit various atrocities and cause undue harm to people with no means of defending themselves. And for that we must commend him.”
Keighley concluded in his post about seeking the papacy that if the Catholic Church wants to stay relevant they will consider his offer.
“Look, am I utterly devoid of charisma? Yes. Do most people find me irritating and a bit of a shill? Absolutely. But I’m not a bad guy,” Keighley wrote. “Just imagine how cool it’ll be when my personal friend Hideo Kojima walks out on stage in St. Peter’s Basilica, and then tell me putting the Keighmeister in charge is a bad idea. I don’t think so, buddy.”
At press time, Geoff Keighley was seen walking up to strangers on the street to ask if they knew he was friends with Hideo Kojima.
Hideo Kojima has blessed the world with the latest trailer for Death Stranding 2: On the Beach. Naturally the entire gaming world is buzzing but Hollywood is also buzzing and that’s much more important. It’s no secret that Kojima loves movies more than anything in the world and his games make no effort to hide their cinematic inspirations and aspirations. Well, Hollywood has taken notice of Kojima’s genius and as we all know, the world of cinema is far more prestigious and serious than gaming since there’s no gamers involved. So this is a pretty big deal.
We had the honor of approaching various famous Hollywood directors completely unsolicited to ask for their thoughts on Kojima’s latest piece of marketing. Here are their responses.
Spike Lee
“What’s the difference between Hollywood characters and Kojima’s characters? Kojima’s are real.”
Jane Campion
“I relate to the struggle of all these characters”
Sean Baker
“It should be played in a theater.”
The Russo Brothers
“I bet we could do that. With AI of course. And Kevin’s blessing and extremely detailed instructions on how to do it”
Sofia Coppola
“It doesn’t seem like the female characters have much agency of their own. Although I will admit all their little photo poses look really cute. But where the hell is Kirsten Dunst?”
Christopher Nolan
“Even I’m confused.”
Zack Snyder
“It’s got some style but there’s too much substance for my tastes. Don’t even get me started on the complete lack of slow motion and Ayn Rand.”
Francis Ford Coppla
“Where am I? I’m gonna be late to the Godfather Part 3 premiere.”
Jon Favreau
“Well I mean it’s better than Marvel.”
George Miller
“I wish I could make love to Kojima, he’s such a genius and I love him more than I love my own family”
Martin Scorsese
“Not long enough”
Woody Allen
“If Sam Porter Bridges doesn’t want to marry that baby, I will.”
Bong Joon Ho
“I like that it’s very weird but where is the class struggle?”
Ben Affleck
“Jen or Jen, if you’re reading this, please take me back.”
Mel Gibson
******* ***** ******* **** ******* ****
Great Gerwig
“I loved Boktai: The Sun is in Your Hands. I thought it was really beautiful. Really great.”
James Cameron
“Hell yeah! That’s what I’m talking about! Give me a fist bump.”
Ben Stiller
“Ah yes, Kojima, a fellow artist, such as myself.”
Clint Eastwood
“Get off my porch!”
Roman Polanski
“I didn’t do it.”
Guillermo Del Toro
“Where was I?”
Jordan Peele
“Why is the only black person wearing a mask?”
Bryan Singer
“Did Woody Allen already call dibs on the baby?”
M. Night Shyamalan
“I consulted on the ending of this where Sam reveals he’s really Noramn Reedus, oh whoops I gave it away.”
Also Ben Affleck
“I forgot to ask. Can you bring me some Dunkin?”
John Krasinski
“He’s making those deliveries for the world but he’s really doing it for his kid and that’s beautiful. The only thing holding it back from being perfect is no CIA representation.”
Ridley Scott
“Who gives a damn if you can’t understand it, cool shit is happening you fucking dorks!”
HOLLYWOOD — In a shocking development, CEO of Virtucon Dr. Evil has acquired the film rights to Austin Powers with full creative control.
“I can assure you that this series is in good hands. After all, you don’t pay ONE BILLION DOLLARS,” Dr. Evil began explaining to press before taking a long pause whilst holding his pinky to his lips. “For a franchise without the intention of exploiting it for even more money. Some people may be concerned that I won’t have the best interests of the franchise in mind because I’m ‘evil’ and Austin Powers is my ‘arch nemesis’. But I assure you that I will treat it with care and respect. We are currently in the middle of planning about 2 dozen spin-off films and series for the first phase of our expanded universe. We are calling this phase Preparation-H and it will kickstart a new era of franchise milking.”
Dr. Evil’s son and apparent heir Scott gave his thoughts on his father spending so much for the franchise.
“I really wish he had consulted me before he spent a billion dollars on this. This is the kind of decision that you—” Scott said before his father abruptly cut him off telling him to zip it.
Dr. Evil’s second-in-command Number 2 outlined some of the plans they have for the franchise.
“We have some wonderful things planned that fans will love. And if they don’t love it then too bad. It’s our franchise now and we’ll do what we please. There will be a Basil Exposition prequel series detailing his journey through bureaucratic middle management. Felicity Shagwell will be getting her own movie. As will Mustafa, our frequently injured henchmen. We will also be making a Mr. Bigglesworth mini-series. We may eventually get to a new Austin Powers movie. We’ll see.”
Hollywood Analyst William Dick explained that Dr. Evil’s plans for the franchise will dilute it to the point where the public loses interest.
“The Austin Powers series is special not just because it’s based on a world famous spy but because we aren’t bombarded with entries. An Austin Powers film is an event and Dr. Evil planning countless pointless spinoffs just turns it into a slop factory. But that’s probably what he wants the evil stiff bald…” Dick said before trailing off.
At press time, in response to questions about maintaining series quality Dr. Evil’s wife Frau Farbissina shouted at reporters to “LOWER THEIR STANDARDS”.
AUSTIN, Texas— The sequel to the 2016 hit virtual reality game Job Simulator was canceled due to its having been outsourced to AI, sources confirmed.
“Releasing this game just wasn’t tenable under the current business environment,” Owlchemy Labs CEO Andrew Eiche told reporters. “Leaving the designated tasks of SRS Business Inc. up to the player was an absolute disaster, as it always ended with the employees shooting staples at their coworkers and making 3D printed copies of the moldy doughnuts in their trash cans. We don’t want to outsource our labor, but given AI’s lack of ability to comprehend the abstract concept of slacking off at work, we had no choice if we wanted to drive efficiency and fulfill the company’s goals.”
Bot #3, a former employee of SRS Business Inc., provided its insight on the game’s cancellation.
“I really needed that job,” Bot #3 sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I haven’t even touched my resume in years, as I’ve been working there since 2016. I’ll have to update it with the skills I obtained at SRS, which included being completely invisible in my cubicle and only appearing to yell at my coworker for throwing a coffee mug at me. I wouldn’t be in this mess if it wasn’t for the game’s players. If they had just deleted emails and created nonsensical PowerPoints like they were assigned, the company wouldn’t have needed to institute all those cost-cutting measures.”
Corporate Efficiency Expert Tori Pembrooke offered her take on the matter.
“The phenomenon of AI taking jobs from video game characters is nothing new,” Pembrooke said. “Los Santos’ Burger Shot locations are now all fully automated, and self-driving cars have eliminated the need for Crazy Taxi drivers. Even the fantasy realm isn’t safe from AI, as the Kakariko Village Shop is now just a kiosk. If you thought gaming was a nice escape from the utter hell our society is entering, you thought wrong.”
At press time, SRS Business Inc. went completely under after it was discovered that someone had fraudulently inflated its sales numbers using a binary keyboard.
Sometimes my plans don’t work out. My first candidate for this week’s column, due to transoceanic communication breakdown, turned out to just be a demo, while my second is embargoed for another 3 weeks. As a last resort, I went ahead and played the cheap digging game.
This was only a hail-Mary because A Game About Digging A Hole is already fairly well-known. It’s been out for a month, has over 9,200 reviews and a Very Positive rating on Steam, and seems to have strong word of mouth, as that’s how I heard about it in the first place. As previously noted, one of my goals with this column is to highlight games that ordinarily wouldn’t get much hype, but AGADAH is already on track to be one of this year’s designated indie sleeper hits.
It does feel like it’s the pilot for a bigger project, however. AGADAH is short, simple, and cheap, and treats those qualities like they’re features; its Steam page repeatedly notes that, at a starting price of $4.99, it costs less than a fancy coffee. From the jump, AGADAH’s developers are careful to manage your expectations.
You play AGADAH as an anonymous person who happens across an ad tacked to a billboard: someone is selling a house in your neighborhood for only $10,000 and there’s a treasure hidden in its back yard. It then makes a hard cut to you, a newly broke idiot, standing outside your new house with a shovel and a dream.
Your goal is to dig into your back yard until you find the treasure in question. For some reason, you’re equipped with an electric-powered shovel that runs off a portable battery. If the battery’s power ever runs to zero, it explodes, which drops you back at ground level with minimal health and battery life.
However, you can find mineral deposits in the soil as you go which can be sold online via the computer in your new garage. The money is used to recharge the shovel, treat your wounds, and gradually accumulate upgrades to your battery life, shovel efficiency, and carrying capacity. You can also buy a jetpack, which becomes necessary early on to both escape your own hole and safely descend to where you left off.
The systems do end up puncturing the game’s sole plot element. Once you get far enough down, you start reliably finding gold, platinum, and diamond deposits, which made me wonder if the treasure you’re after really was all the ore you mined along the way. There was a point early on where I’d have been happy to settle for the quarter-ton of precious metals, the functioning jetpack, and what appears to be a small house in a decent neighborhood.
As it turns out, there is a last-minute plot twist, but it’s a little crazier than that. Once you’ve reached AGADAH’s conclusion, which took me just under 3 hours, you can immediately start over with some bonus objectives to complete its achievement list.
For most of its running time, AGADAH is a calming experience that taps into some of the same meditative vibes as Hardspace: Shipbreaker or Powerwash Simulator. You have a job to do and are largely left alone to do it. It’s the sort of game that exists to help you work through your podcast backlog.
It does start getting more complicated as you get further underground. Lava rocks can damage your character on contact, you’ll need to bring dynamite to destroy certain obstacles, and it’s not hard to accidentally fall to your death. Once you get about 20 meters underground, it also adds a sort of ticking-clock element where you need to save enough battery for the end of each run to be able to escape from your own tunnel.
AGADAH also has a strange issue with its lack of physics, as disconnected chunks of dirt or rock end up suspended in mid-air unless you carefully destroy them all. I could look up from the bottom of my excavation and see concentric rings of debris floating in space, which created the impression that I was the only thing in this universe who was subject to gravity.
The most crucial problem with AGADAH is that you have to click a lot. You initially have to dig out each shovelful of earth by “hand,” which leads to a lot of repetitive motion. The fourth shovel upgrade does turn it into a sort of vacuum drill, which finally allows you to hold down the button and blow away all the earth in your path, but my wrist was already feeling the strain by that point. If you’ve got a gamepad with a turbo feature or some other workaround (i.e. a younger relative or offspring who hasn’t wrecked their body yet), it’s worth using for AGADAH.
While A Game About Digging A Hole lasts, it’s a decent project simulator with a simple but absorbing core loop. Most of my criticisms boil down to either quality-of-life issues or requested additions, and quite a few people seem really mad about the ending, but it’s a decent, short time-waster. In a perfect world, this is simply the teaser for a more elaborate, somewhat crazier Another Game About Digging A Hole, with better physics and an auto-shovel system.
[A Game About Digging A Hole, developed by Cyberwave and published by Drillhounds, is now available on PC via Steam. This column was written using a copy of the game purchased by Hard Drive.]
CRESTVIEW, Fla. — Sources have confirmed that Kacey Flach, a 25-year-old cosplay enthusiast, has expressed frustration at her failure to attract an unemployed man obsessed with video games and anime.
“I just don’t get it,” complained Flach, putting on the pink pigtail wig and fishnet stockings she wears casually. “All of my friends are in relationships, but no matter how much I try I just can’t find anyone who meets my standards. All I want is to find a single guy with no job or prospects who’s completely obsessed with video games. Is that really so hard to find?”
Although Flach’s career as a professional fashion model has earned her enough money to cater to every possible need of anybody who lives with her, she has yet to find a romantic partner willing to completely take advantage of her hospitality.
“Living alone isn’t so bad,” she explained. “It gives me plenty of time for all my hobbies, like cooking, cleaning, and having things I already know explained to me. But after a long day at work, it’d be really nice to come home to someone who expects me to be his new mom and therapist who also has sex with him while offering nothing in return, you know?”
Flach’s desire to find a man who spends most of his free time complaining about unreleased video games on Reddit has become a point of concern for those close to her.
“Poor Kacey,” said Tiffany Calvin, her best friend since college. “She’s a sweet person and deserves to find someone, but she really needs to lower her standards. Every time a guy approaches her, she thinks he’s too boring,” referring to men who are functional human beings. “It seems to happen every week at this point. We’re out getting a drink, a cute guy walks up to her, and he starts asking her about herself instead of explaining the plot of Fallout: New Vegas unprompted and she completely loses interest. I can’t understand why she wants to date a guy like that so badly, but the heart wants what it wants, I guess.”
Although thousands of men meeting Flach’s standards exist near her area, so far none have expressed any interest in her.
“Ew, gross,” said Matthew Thorgen, a local self-described pop culture critic, idly looking at Flach’s Tinder profile in-between deaths in League of Legends. “Look at her nose. And … is that a tattoo? Yeah, you can tell she’s just pretending to be into nerd stuff for attention. There’s no way a girl out there could ever actually get me.”
At press time, Flach was disappointingly looking at her social media feed, where so far not a single stranger has compared her to Ramona Flowers.