JFK Files Reveal Lee Harvey Oswald Played Violent Video Games

Posted on by R. Anthony Mahan

WASHINGTON — The recent declassification of all records relating to President John F. Kennedy’s assassination has revealed that the event was motivated entirely by Lee Harvey Oswald’s lifelong obsession with violent video games, historians announced.

“For the first time ever, we’re able to look back on that day with almost perfect clarity,” explained Owen Císte-Torthaí, professor of history at the University of Maryland. “All the ridiculous speculation and conspiracy theories can finally be put to rest. We know exactly why Kennedy was assassinated, and like every act of violence, it’s because of video games.”

A recently revealed FBI profile of Oswald found his obsession began in childhood, where he frequently visited the penny arcades of the 1940s. 

“Oh yeah, there was this old driving game Lee loved,” recalled Edmund Ford, Oswald’s last surviving childhood friend. “One day in ‘49 we were at it together, and he said ‘Wouldn’t it be cool if instead of a road, the screen showed two people fighting?’ He went on like this for a while, describing the dream game in his head, and … look, it was Mortal Kombat, all right? I don’t mean it was kinda like Mortal Kombat, I could’ve sworn he said ‘Earthrealm’ at some point.”

As he got older, Oswald’s obsession with this theoretical technology worsened, the report found. 

“In 1956, Oswald joined the Marines, since it was the closest he could get at the time to playing a military FPS,” continued Císte-Torthaí. “Two years after that, Oswald used his military connections to visit Brookhaven National Laboratory and play the early video game Tennis for Two. This was not a violent video game, but it was a video game, and it had the exact effect on his fragile young mind that you’d expect. A simple sports game can’t drive a man to kill, but betraying his country? That would make sense. By 1959, Oswald would defect to the Soviet Union.”

Oswald was unhappy in the Soviet Union, complaining about “no places of recreation,” and returned to the United States in 1962, shortly after the invention of the game Spacewar! 

“As soon as he heard about Spacewar!, Oswald had to go back,” said Císte-Torthaí. “It wasn’t a fantasy anymore, someone made a video game. A violent video game, where you blow things up. As soon as Oswald shot a digital spaceship and watched it explode, he knew he had to do the same thing to the President’s head.”

Equally revealing are the newly-declassified records of Oswald’s personal correspondence in the days leading up to the assassination. 

“Oh yeah, the whole video game industry basically exists because Oswald asked really hard for it,” confirmed Atari founder Nolan Bushnell, reading from a yellowed piece of paper. “He sent me this when I was in college. ‘Dear Nolan, please invent a video game company called Atari and make a game where two tanks shoot each other. It’ll kick ass. Love, Lee Harvey Oswald. P.S. I’m gonna kill JFK.’ And it wasn’t just me, he sent letters to all kinds of people. Nintendo, Sega, Sony, those were all him. He also complained a lot to Jack Ruby about how his nightclubs didn’t have any video games in them, so, you know … another mystery solved there.”

At press time, historians had discovered a 19th-century pinball machine with John Wilkes Booth’s high score.

George Foreman’s Casket Angled to Reduce Fat

Posted on by Kyle Duggan

HOUSTON — Late boxer and entrepreneur George Foreman’s casket will be tilted to allow rendered fat to drain out of the bottom and into a separate tray, sources confirm.

“This is an option we offer to our more health-conscious decedents,” said Barry Carroll, funeral home director. “The patented fat-burning technology allows our patrons to experience a leaner afterlife without losing any of that heavenly flavor. You simply close the lid, and the casket does all the work. It couldn’t be any simpler.”

Employees at Carroll’s funeral home noted that there were downsides to the unique casket.

“Oh God, cleaning that thing is a nightmare,” said Tracy Leary, who has worked at Carroll Funeral Home for six years. “Some of the older models let you take the lining off of the top and bottom of the coffin, which makes it a little easier. Still, it never really fits into the sink, no matter how you twist it. It’s also non-stick, so you’re not supposed to use the rough side of the sponge, but the soft side doesn’t do anything. To be honest, I usually tell myself that I’m going to clean it the next morning, and by the time I would’ve gotten around to it, they’ve already buried the stiff. It’s a win-win.”

Christina Holmes, a funeral industry analyst, criticized the Foreman casket.

“None of the supposed benefits of this method of interment have been proven,” said Holmes. “I don’t know where this myth started that fat is unhealthy for you after you die, but from a scientific standpoint, it doesn’t seem like there’s any truth to it. By removing an inordinate amount of fat, you’re really just making an extra-dry corpse, not a healthy corpse. That doesn’t sound like paradise to me.”

At press time, patrons at Foreman’s funeral were seen arguing about whether or not the service should take longer after the “warm-up” light on his coffin came back on.

Game Night: Investigate Multiple Planes of Reality (?) in ‘Centum’

Posted on by Thomas Wilde

Serenity Forge, despite its name, seems to specialize in games that are meant to upset or disturb you. It’s probably best known for publishing the premium edition of Doki Doki Literature Club in 2021 or for the extended cut of Slay the Princess, but it’s got a full roster of high weirdness on offer. It takes a very particular company to release a physical edition of LISA: The Painful.

Centum (Latin for “hundred”) was one of several new games that was half-hidden in Serenity Forge’s booth at last year’s PAX West, and it was easily the least suited to a convention environment. No one involved in its production was around to explain anything about it, and Serenity Forge’s representative seemed just as confused as I was. For a minute I wondered if, in keeping with the game’s general theme, even Serenity Forge didn’t know what it was or why it was at their booth.

As far as I can tell, Centum is a point-and-click adventure which is initially presented as a long-lost, half-broken computer game from roughly 1992. You begin as an unnamed, unseen prisoner in a cell somewhere in a doomed city, and who is evaluated every night by a judge who always accuses you of lying no matter what you say. Your only potential allies are a malformed rat who lives inside the wall and something that might be a ghost.

On the other hand, you can alt-tab to a computer desktop at any time, which contains a number of encoded documents and a couple of .bat files, one of which has the power to start your prison stay over from scratch. Another warns you that you’ve only got 3 days before the simulation stops.

Right from the start, Centum features some of the most obtuse puzzles I’ve ever seen. I briefly talked about my personal scale of overall adventure game impenetrability last month in my column on Slender Threads, and the only thing keeping Centum from being a 10 on that scale is that it never gives you that many things that you can do at any given time.

Even so, it often presents the player with no guidelines whatsoever, either mechanically or narratively. I routinely ran into dead ends where I either had to progress by simply experimenting until something worked, or wander around until I hit some invisible trigger.

In the end, that turns out to be part of the point. Centum eventually describes itself, near its endgame, as a series of “inescapable escape rooms.” You aren’t meant to find a way out, and escaping from one prison often leads you to another. Instead, it’s about how you choose to react to a seemingly unwinnable situation, and what you as the player take away from the overall experience.

I’ve seen several games bill themselves as “Lynchian,” most recently Alice’s Lullaby, but Centum is one of the first times I’ve seen a game that really rolled up its sleeves and earned the label. For the first half, there’s some real ambiguity about what’s happening, and why, and who your character actually is. If you stopped at roughly the halfway point, you could make a solid textual argument that Centum is about a decaying virtual world, the last hallucination of a dying programmer, and/or the fugue dream of a depressed shut-in.

It’s almost disappointing when, near its end, it actually slows down to explain much of what’s happened. As confusing as Centum initially is, it wraps up on a straightforward note, and I’m honestly not sure how much that damages the overall experience. It might’ve been better if it had deliberately kept that early sense of ambiguity all the way through. There are still questions after the end, but not as many as I expected.

As it is, Centum is memorable and creepy, but it’s hard to give it any kind of unqualified recommendation. Centum is the sort of project that rides the ragged edge between a visual novel and a game, with some incredible art and dialogue, but its deliberate inaccessibility is an issue. This is meant for a very specific audience, and I’d imagine you already know from context whether or not you’re in it.

On my end, I’m glad it exists, but if I’d been playing it on my own I’d have dropped it after the first 30 minutes. A game that’s deliberately being obtuse to make a point is, at the end of the day, still obtuse.

[Centum, developed by Hack the Publisher and published by Serenity Forge, is now available for PlayStation 4&5, Xbox, Nintendo Switch, and PC via Steam for $14.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a Serenity Forge representative.]

GamesBeat’s Mike Minotti Wants to Add the First Arby’s to the Register of Historic Places

Posted on by Johnny Amizich

Mike Minotti is the reviews editor of GamesBeat, frequently appears on Giant Bomb shows and podcasts, and a self admitted Disney and Arby’s enthusiast. Minus World chatted with Mike about his love of Kingdom Hearts, casseroles, what his perfect day at Disney World looks like, and more. 

*Editor’s Note: This interview was conducted a year ago but the writer was too preoccupied playing Hello Kitty Island Adventure to turn in the transcript*

MW: Why would I not want to talk to a fellow Midwestern boy?

Minotti: That’s right, it is different, isn’t it? It’s a different vibe. It’s not just it’s not better, it’s not worse, of course, but it is different. And you can tell when you’re hanging out with the other Midwestern folks.

MW: You might get some “opes” in there. And you talk about casserole dishes a little bit.

Minotti: Oh, yeah, yeah. Everything’s gotta be served in some kind of pan.

MW: Give me the Mike Minotti elevator pitch for Kingdom Hearts for someone who has never played Kingdom Hearts, but might be convinced to try it.

Minotti: The elevator pitch is just a good action RPG with Donald Duck. That’s it. That’s all. If that sounds appealing to you, then you’ll like it. Kingdom Hearts is so funny. Something about Kingdom Hearts and Sonic, which happen to be two franchises that I do like a lot. The people who don’t like them. There’s something really fun about not liking those franchises I get, because the people will just hate them. I get it and I also don’t get it. 

MW: I loved the first game and then for one reason or another I didn’t play any of the subsequent ones. But I have very, very fond memories of that first game. And being invested with Sora and Riku, and I keep saying I will go back and play them someday, but then there are so many of them and that is so much time. It’s a weird series.

Minotti: It is and I get people who, especially the post Kingdom Hearts 2 games where there’s just a ton of spin offs of them by the time you get to Kingdom Hearts 3, the lore got way out of control. It got very stupid. I still enjoy it because I’m a sicko, but I understand how people play Kingdom Hearts 3 and they’re like, “What the hell is even happening now?”, but Kingdom Hearts 1 was pretty simple and just a good time. And even Kingdom Hearts 2, it’s starting to get a little bit more elaborate and a little sillier, but still mostly just silly fun. 

MW: It’s just documenting the gradual unraveling of Nomura’s mind. What would you say is your Most Midwestern quality?

Minotti: Gosh, my love for Arby’s is probably pretty high up there. Honestly, I literally was just there. I got my cup with me. I got a miniature Arby’s restaurant over there. I got my Arby’s hat that was sent to me by Arby’s. The town right next to mee, the main shopping area town where I live, is where the first Arby’s was. That building is now a place that sells headstones, and I drive by it, and I look at it like, “That’s the original Arby’s”.

MW: Oh wow. It should be a museum.

Minotti: I think someday I am gonna make a weird push to get a historical marker put there or something, and that’s gonna be my passion project. That’s how I’m gonna handle turning 40 in a few years, I think. 

MW: Add it to the list of historical places.

Minotti: It’s kind of significant. That was the first Arby’s.

MW: It is a long running successful fast food franchise. They have the meats!

Minotti: We had a lot of those starting in Ohio because Columbus is where the first Wendy’s was. I think Ohio may be largely responsible for the obesity crisis in America. I’m not gonna lie. That might be our bad.

MW: That’s Ohio’s greatest contribution.

Minotti: I think the other Midwest thing is the fact that I just still live here, right? I don’t know very many other people doing this kind of job that haven’t have never really moved away from their hometown. I’m in the place that I was born, and that I went to school and high school in. I still live in that town, which seems like a bit of a rarity in the US, not even just in this industry, but the US anymore.

MW: What’s your top casserole?

Minotti: My mom makes an enchilada casserole, and it’s disgusting, but I love it. It’s really not a good format for that, because the tortillas just get obliterated into mush, right? There’s no texture anymore on those things.

MW: No, it’s just a fine paste. I know exactly what you’re talking about.

Minotti: It would 100% be better to just make enchiladas, and yet we found a way to casserolize it. So we’re gonna fucking do it.

MW: That’s what we do.

Minotti: Exactly. We’re not messing around here anymore!

MW: That’s right. We demand to be taken seriously.

Minotti: We demand to be taken seriously, to have all of our food served in casserole form.

MW: Why wouldn’t you want all of your meals to be easily servable with spoons?

Minotti: Yeah, if my meal can’t be scooped onto my plate, I want no part in it.

MW: I think that we could start a movement together. What has it been like for you to become such a beloved fixture of the Giant Bomb community?

Minotti: It’s been wild. It honestly has been amazing. I’ve been doing the game journalism thing for over 10 years now for a while and it was, it was a dream job, right? So I already felt, you know, #blessed or whatever. But there was something wild about when things started popping off with the podcast that I did with Jeff Grubb, GamesBeat Decides at the time because he worked with me there cause he was getting these rumors and these leaks, and it’s all true. So people started watching the show and I thought, “Oh, that’s neat”. And then once Jeff was at Giant Bomb, he would invite me on and all of a sudden people were like, “Here’s a here’s a here’s a meme of Mike’s face.” Or somebody draws a picture of you, and I didn’t think anybody would ever care enough to do that. So every time I’m still kind of floored by it. There’s jokes about me being a mark for myself. And I think that’s absolutely true. I was still so tickled by the fact that anybody cares about me in some way. And you know, I’m enjoying it. Why not?

MW: Jeff Grubb, your supposed friend, did not hesitate to say that he would kill you in a game of Hug, Kill, Marry, between you and your brothers. How did that make you feel?

Minotti: Maybe he just hates the childless. He’s like Elon Musk or something and since my brothers have kids, he just couldn’t possibly stand to orphan them. Maybe it’s something like that. I don’t know. Maybe he just can’t stand my face anymore. Maybe he’s been over me for years now, but he feels stuck with me, right? He knows that he needs me to further his own brand.

MW: Oh, so you think he was trying to big league you?

Minotti: Yes. He resents that there’s more emotes of me than him on the Giant Bomb chat right now, so he wants me dead.

MW: That seems fair. Is there anything else you’d like to tell the world about Jeff Grubb? That maybe is not known? Anything you’d like to reveal about the man?

Minotti: He’s one of the nicest people I know. I should be saying something mean because he wants to kill me. I am in awe of Jeff.

MW: You are about to go in front of the Nintendo Jail Parole Board. What would you tell them to assure them you have been reformed?

Minotti: I’d have to lie because I absolutely have not. I would absolutely do it again. I would tell everybody about the Cat Shines, 1,000,000% with no remorse. What are they looking for? What do they want from me? Because that’s the problem. I think there’s probably nothing I could do at this point. I think I’m just forever in this weird bracket of media for Nintendo. It’s like, “OK, we’ll do some things with them, but they don’t get caught early again, absolutely not.” I keep hearing things and I hear things from other people, as ridiculous as I thought that was me saying how many Cat Shines in Bowser’s Fury got me in trouble, apparently it was a big deal. They changed the way that they give out codes to people and other things. 

MW: You’re just one man who loves Arby’s and lives in Ohio. And you’ve changed the entire way that Nintendo handles review codes.

Minotti: I think what it really was that I said that, and I said how long it took me to beat. I think they thought everyone imagined Bowser’s Fury was going to be as long as a normal Mario game. So it’s gonna be some big scandal when people found out that it was only three hours long, even though everybody thought that was the case, everybody knew that would be the case. That’s why I never even considered that I was breaking some kind of embargo or non disclosure agreement by saying those things cause it’s like, “Who cares?” And that’s my guess. I would try to say to Nintendo. I promise you, nobody cared. I promise you that nobody decided not to buy Bowser’s Fury because I said that. And again I gave that game some kind of ridiculously high score, like a 95 or somewhere in the 95 to 100 range, right. I think if anything, I encouraged people to buy that video game. I don’t think I could have possibly cost you a single dime or bit of ill will. But if they wanna be mad about it, it’s their company. It’s fine. Like I said, they still invite me to things they still give me other opportunities.

MW: They probably have someone tailing you the whole time.

Minotti: Yeah, “What’s this red dot on my forehead? Oh no.”

MW: What is the Mike Minotti holy trifecta of Sonic games?

Minotti: Ohh, so First off people kind of get mad at me, but I think Sonic 1 still holds up really well and and in some ways might be my favorite of the Genesis games. Sonic 2 is probably better in a lot of ways, but I think even in hard critical terms, I think the soundtrack is very good in 2, but I don’t think it’s as good as Sonic 1’s. 1 is an all timer. I think Sonic 1 is more consistent with the levels. Sonic 2 is really front loaded with the good levels. The back half there’s kind of some stinkers in there, whereas for Sonic 1 just feels like a smoother ride in general and then Sonic 3, I think it’s a bit much, especially with the Knuckles aspect of it. It gets a bit too big. It’s a very vertically designed game, which isn’t necessarily my favorite. Of course it’s good. But I do think there is something pure about Sonic 1. I just kind of like the way it looks a little bit more too. Sonic 1, then Sonic Mania is just the perfect distillation of that format. I’m probably going to sound like a boomer if I just pick another 2D one, like Sonic CD, although I want to. Maybe I will go and be nostalgic and pick Sonic Adventure 1, which is just such a wild game in so many ways, the fact that a whole chapter of it has you playing as this cat who’s fishing. The bizarre mouth animations in that game. I wish I could write a story just about that. Like what is going on with the way these characters’ mouths move. And then the weird banger soundtrack of all this lyrical music. There’s something wild about Sonic Adventure.

MW: That game I remember going to my cousin’s house, who was the only person I knew that had a Dreamcast, playing that for the first time, and it blew my mind.

Minotti: So we rented a Dreamcast from Hollywood Video, a rental place, before the Dreamcast came out, and they didn’t give you a VMU so you couldn’t save. So we did play a good amount of Sonic Adventure. We had to keep it turned on so that we wouldn’t lose our progress. I usually hate saying that video games are “aged”. Usually when people say that I’m not entirely sure what they’re trying to say other than, “This doesn’t feel like a modern game”, but I think there’s still a lot of value here. Like nobody says Casablanca “aged”, of course it is of its time. But we don’t have to be like, “This is ‘aged’”. I guess it’s literally aged. Yes, of course it is now so many years older than it was when it came out. Having said all that, with Sonic Adventure, there is something about it that aged real quick in terms of when it came out, it seemed like the most pristine AAA thing ever, and then aspects of that began feeling kind of cheap and ugly pretty quickly. And yet I still love it.

MW: It still has a place in my heart. Would you like to wildly speculate about the launch lineup for the Switch 2?

Minotti: Yes, absolutely. 

MW: I think we get Super Mario Odyssey 2. That is my hope, that is my dream, or just another Mario game.

Minotti: We are 1,000,000% getting a new 3D Mario game. I’m not sure it’s gonna be Odyssey 2 or what it’s going to be, but absolutely that team has been working on something. Odyssey came out like seven years ago now and then they did work on Bowser’s Fury, which isn’t nothing, but still that’s been a while now. And that wasn’t a full game.

MW: I know the speculation was that Bowser’s Fury was a proof of concept thing, right? Testing the waters.

Minotti: Messing around with the more open design, right. And they did it in this safe way using just straight up the 3D World engine and mechanics and power ups, but you can obviously see how that could be expanded. Especially with new hardware.

MW: Will the Metroid fans be respected?

Minotti: Yes, Metroid Prime 4 will be a Switch 2 launch game. I don’t care what Jeff(Grubb) says, I don’t care what anyone else says. That’s not coming out as a Switch 1 exclusive. Look, you gotta have something besides just Mario. I think there is a value in having Metroid there. People are always like, “Metroid doesn’t sell”, look, I know it doesn’t sell as much as a Mario game, but there is still value in games that sell two or three million copies. 

MW: It’s still a marquee title.

Minotti: There’s a lot of cultural penetration with Metroid and Samus, it matters a lot to very specific people, as you can call that niche, I suppose, but I think sometimes we hear niche, we may think. “Ohh, so it doesn’t matter.” Well, no, I think it matters a lot and it can do a lot of good for a console launch. They’ve been pretty good with Samus. After it got kind of quiet following the disaster of Other M, even though I’m a little bit of an Other M defender, I have to admit. And we got Samus Returns and then Metroid Dread and Metroid Prime Remastered. All these things within the last 10 years or so, and they’ve all been good. So I think Nintendo gets it with Metroid. I think that they have reasonable expectations for it. I think more than anything else is just timing. If Metroid Prime 4 is probably almost done at this point, I think you just save that for the Switch 2.

MW: What about Animal Crossing?

Minotti: Animal Crossing is more of a year two or year three thing. I don’t think you’ll launch with that. I think that’s gonna be a marquee title for a different year. It’s going to be huge, right? Because this will be the first one following the pandemic Animal Crossing that became the biggest game in the world because of circumstances. It’s gonna be interesting to see how Animal Crossing responds to that. Is it just Animal Crossing again? Are they going to act like it didn’t become the biggest game in the world? Or is it gonna be like a little bit of extra juice on there now because of that?

MW: Maybe they’ll put out Wind Waker HD finally.

Minotti: That’s one where it’s like OK, maybe I gotta be careful cause that was the one time I got in trouble where I thought that Wind Waker was gonna get announced at a Nintendo Direct, and then that didn’t happen but. So don’t take my word for it. This is just me speculating, but Wind Waker and Twilight Princess HD, those seem like things maybe you do put those on the Switch 1.

MW: They’re glaring omissions from the current switch catalog.

Minotti: I do think there’s gonna be more ports and remasters and things like that. Or or even remakes like we’re getting with Thousand Year Door. Many more of those and Wind Waker and Twilight Princess would make a ton of sense, and I’d be so happy. I love Wind Waker. It is one of my favorite games.

MW: It’s so good, right? That’s probably my third favorite Zelda game.

Minotti: Number one for me still. I think it’s my number one favorite Zelda game. I don’t know why, but well, you know, I’m a Disney freak just because the cel shading hits me hard.

MW: It just looks so good, man! People that get upset about that art style still, or did back in the day, I don’t wanna associate with them at all.

Minotti: I don’t want to toot my own horn, but I am proud of the fact that I thought that game looked good immediately. The moment I saw that first Space World trailer. And I was so baffled at the time when people were upset with how it looked. Although too baffled because that was really, the peak of,”Oh, kiddy Nintendo blah blah blah”, because all the people who were children when the NES came out now were edgy fifteen year olds like me, that was my age. But I was just so Disney brained my whole life I never really had my edgy teenage years. I skipped that whole phase.

MW: I feel I would regret it if I didn’t ask at least one Disney related question outside of Kingdom Hearts. What’s Mike Minotti’s perfect day at Disney World?

Minotti: I think it’s probably going to be at Animal Kingdom. which has been my favorite park lately. I think I’d actually start the day by going over to the Animal Kingdom Lodge, the hotel, and going to Boma, getting breakfast at Boma buffet. It’s pleasant there. It’s bustling, but in a pleasant way. It’s a lot of people, obviously getting ready to go out to the parks. Everyone’s excited. It’s a buffet so you can get whatever you want. And from there, you just mosey on over to Animal Kingdom. And it’s early so the animals are out, they’re very excited. So that’s when you go do the Kilimanjaro Safari. 

MW: I did that last year. So cool.

Minotti: It’s so cool. And doing it earlier in the day is best because the animals are more active. You’ll go by that lion, he might even roar at you. So that’ll be fun. Then spend a lot of time in Pandora, the Avatar section. Get on Flight of Passage; One of the best rides in that park. Just kind of taking the view. But most importantly, go and sign in so you can get a spot at the Nomad Lounge, the greatest bar—maybe my favorite bar in the world. Get myself a Tempting Tigress cocktail, or some of their gluten free churros, which are the best churros in the world, I guess gluten wasn’t necessary after all. Maybe an order of that lobster Mac and cheese. Just sit there for a while. And then honestly, whatever else I do in the park that day is great. But that’s all I need for it to be the ideal, perfect day at Disney World.

MW: There you have it. I have a few questions from the Giant bomb community Discord: What is your favorite emote with your face on it and what is your least in the Giant Bomb Discord?

Minotti: Well, my least favorite is easily the one with apple. That’s disgusting. It’s gross, and everyone should be ashamed for looking at it, or using it, or thinking about it. For the favorite one, I do like the one with me and the Arby’s hat looking just kind of disheveled for some reason. That’s one of the older ones, which is fun. There’s the one, I think from when Tam told me to grow up and I kind of recoil in fear. I just look devastated. That one always makes me laugh.

MW: A Giant Bomb genie grants you 3 wishes, but you can only use them on Giant Bomb content and related media. What are your wishes? 

Minotti: One, I get my own series where I play through all of the Myst games called either “The Fear of Mysting Out” or the “The Fear of Mitching Out with Myst”, no, I don’t know something like that. To be determined.

MW: We can workshop the title. That’s fine. What else?

Minotti: The other thing is another series where I do nothing but play licensed Disney games on a bunch of consoles, you know, pretty recently I played Treasure Planet on the PS2. It’s like it’s just some licensed 3D platformer, yet I had a ton of fun with that. It was a good time. I feel like I probably at some point people want me to wish for vindictive things, like, “I want a bucket of shit to fall on Dan Ryckert!”.

MW: I mean, you can wish for that. It is Giant Bomb related. 

Minotti: I’m not a very vengeful person. Gosh, what’s my other one? I just love being on that stuff, and I always make time whenever I can to do it. And honestly, I wish I could just be on it constantly. I hope this doesn’t sound narcissistic, but if I could be on everything I I could. I just love being there. I love hanging out with them. Just being involved and being part of that group, they are all fantastic, right? Every single person there from all the regulars work there. Minus Jeff Grubb who wants to kill me, that’s fine. You know, even like the regulars that pop in a lot. And freelancers, what have you? I adore everybody there. I have such a good time.

MW: Of Sonic’s friends, who would you date and why? (Comic characters are OK.)

Minotti: Ohh, then Sally Acorn right away. Oh oh. Or, Bunnie Rabbot. Bunnie Rabbot hsa the same accent as Rogue from the X-Men. So yeah, we’ll go with Bunnie Rabbot. Actually, Sally Acorn- Pretty cool. Sally Acorn takes herself a bit too seriously, and you know, I just feel like I don’t know what we’d talk about.

MW: Fair enough. Last question from the GB discord, “Will you sign my feet at PAX West?”

Minotti: My instinct was to say “yes”. And now I’m thinking maybe there need to be some boundaries. I don’t know. I don’t know if I should be signing people’s bodies. I’m going to consult people. I would ask Dan Ryckert what he thinks. Cause if Dan Ryckert says he wouldn’t do it, then I’m like, “Alright I probably shouldn’t then.” If that’s crossing a line for Dan, then that’s a good sign for me that maybe I shouldn’t. So to be determined. I gotta think on that one.

MW: Mike, those are all of my questions. You write for James beat.

Minotti: Managing editor at GamesBeat.

MW: And you’re on Giant Bomb pretty frequently. Is there anything else that you’d like to plug, or tell the Hard Drive audience about?

Minotti: 90s Disney is the other big one. That’s the Disney podcast that I do with my brothers. That’s at 90sdisney.com or 90s Disney everywhere podcasts are. That’s been fun and that’s that’s also been able to pop off a bit just from talking about it on places like Giant Bomb, and and and hopefully here. So having more people come to that podcast. I love video games, but there is something neat about getting to talk about that Disney side of me also. Right. You know, I think people are mostly good with it, right? And I think so often the other hobby of people in gaming is either movies or wrestling, and there’s nothing wrong with that. So I like being a little bit more off beat, my thing is Disney theme parks. And that’s what you’re gonna have to all hear about. A lot.

MW: Hey, if everyone else has to listen to wrestling jargon and hockey nonsense it’s only fair.

Minotti: That’s true, brother.

“Little Marco Rubio” Series In Development At Nickelodeon

Posted on by Peter Collier

NEW YORK — Nickelodeon has greenlit a new children’s show centered around US Secretary of State and Trump’s new Cuck, Marco Rubio for Nick Jr.

“We’re very excited to work with President Trump’s team on a brand new children’s television show, centered around a Cuban American chasing the American Dream,” said Nickelodeon CEO Brian Robbins, at gunpoint. “This fresh, new, original show will feature a young Rubio going on adventures with his friends ‘Map’ and ‘Backpack,’ as they travel the country, legally, searching for illegal aliens to send back to where they came from.”

When asked whether or not this sounded similar to another Nickelodeon show, “Dora the Explorer,” already on the air, a gagged Marco Rubio tried to comment, but was interrupted by President Trump.

“Dora got deported. She entered this country, illegally, and voted for Biden. Nasty woman,” Trump said of the seven year old, fictional cartoon character. “Her friends Map and Backpack are good Americans. They can stay. They voted for us. Did you know that? Dora’s own friends couldn’t stand the harm she was causing to this beautiful country, so I told her to get the hell out of here. Diego too,” Trump continued, as Senator Rubio sank deeper and deeper into the couch.

So far, test screenings of the interactive children’s show have been positive.

“I like the parts when the ICE cream men come in and throw the ‘Doras’ and ‘Diegos’ into the vans and drive away really fast,” said five year old Susie Martinez of Evansville, Indiana. “My daddy got taken by an ICE cream man, but mommy said that rat bastard had it coming when he voted against his own self interests,” she added.

“Little Marco Rubio” premieres on Nickelodeon later this year, with Eric Trump serving as Showrunner and Executive Producer.

“The Last of Us” Fan Preparing to Get Real Sexist Again for Season 2

Posted on by Peter Ferrarese

CHICAGO — Local self-described “Naughty Dog” and fan of “The Last of Us” franchise, Jeff Braun, has been preparing to get real sexist again as the Season 2 premiere of the hit MAX show draws closer, per multiple reports.

“Oh, I can’t wait, man, it’s gonna be great.” said Braun in an official statement. “If there’s one thing I love more than the story of Joel’s fight for survival and the incredibly difficult decisions he has to make, it’s hating women. This series is supposed to be about a man, damn it, not girls! I’ve been standing in front of my bathroom mirror and yelling ‘bitch’ a whole lot, sometimes even using my hand to point for extra emphasis. The key is to make sure there’s some real hate in your voice as you’re doing it, otherwise, what’s the point, you know?”

Sources close to Braun, such as his best friend and fellow “Last of Us” enthusiast Andrew Reed, offered their thoughts on Braun’s behavior.

“Jeff’s a true gamer in every sense of the word.” Reed said. “When The Last of Us: Part II first came out, I remember how he took to the forefront of Reddit to complain about the death of Joel- I think he referred to him as ‘a masculine king’ and ‘a true example of a red-blooded American, shamefully taken away from us by SJW game devs and the woke mob.’ …if I remember the post correctly. It was something along those lines. Anyway, I’m sure he’s excited for all of the weird sex and gender debates to start up again now that Season 2 of the show is around the corner. He’s basically gonna be insufferable for a few months.”

One of Jeff’s college classmates, Maggie Myers, reached out to the press to offer her commentary, citing the fact that very few women were being asked for their opinions on the matter.

“Do not let this man on Twitter or X or whatever after the first few episodes come out.” Myers told reporters. “He’s one of those hypocrites who wants it both ways: he complained that Abby was too muscular when the game first released, but then after he saw the promotional image of Kaitlyn Dever for this season of the show, he said that it wasn’t ‘lore-accurate’ because she didn’t have enough muscles. Personally, I’m staying off of social media for this whole season, because I know he isn’t the only idiot who’s gonna be throwing around misogynistic comments – and that’s not even touching all the Ellie and Dina discourse.”

At press time, Braun was observed calling people excited for Season 2 ‘fake fans’ online and gently caressing a framed photograph of Pedro Pascal and Troy Baker.

Russo Brothers Apologize for Latest Netflix Price Hike

Posted on by Nick Coffman

LOS ANGELES — Following the negative reaction to Netflix blockbuster, The Electric State, directors Joe and Anthony Russo are now apologizing for the $320-million film as well as the recent price increase to Netflix subscriptions.

The Russo brothers addressed the public in a YouTube video released earlier today.

“When we set out to make this movie, we didn’t think of all the subscribers who could be harmed in the process,” Joe Russo said, donning an Avengers: Doomsday graphic tee. “From the bottom of our hearts, we are so sorry that your subscription is now $2 more expensive. I have lost sleep just thinking about all the hurt we have caused. Just know, if Tony [Anthony] and I could personally pay back $2 to every one of you, we would.”

At the time of this article, The Electric State had a Rotten Tomatoes score of 14%, the lowest for a Russo brother’s film. The Russo’s apology video goes on to cover their recent efforts to right so many wrongs.

“Movies adaptations are really hard when you don’t have an executive pulling all the strings and making all the creative decisions throughout the entire process,” Anthony Russo said, donning an “I’m with stupid” shirt pointing at his kid brother, Joe. “I am just glad that the studios have not given up on us, and we are getting another chance with Marvel. It was a gamble taking on The Electric State, but it is a gamble taking on any project that doesn’t feature Iron Man or White Captain America.”

Not everyone is ready to let the Russo Brothers off the hook. Netflix subscriber, and self-renowned penny pincher, Thomas Wells is not too happy with the recent price hike.

“You want $18 a month for ‘NothingFlix’,” Wells wrote on his blog, in response to the apology video. “I mean honestly, what am I missing if I cancel Netflix right now, another Russo crapfest? I can watch anything worth watching as long as it is on Hulu, Disney+, Max, Prime Video, Peacock, Apple TV+, or Paramount+. Those streamers are doing it right and not overpaying these artistic clowns.”

At press time, Wells had tweeted about his dismay discovering that Hulu, Disney+, Max, Prime Video, Peacock, Apple TV+, and Paramount had all also announced recent price increases to their subscriptions.

David Zaslav Invites Bugs Bunny to Be “Made Man”

Posted on by Matt Fresh

HOLLYWOOD — Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav announced earlier today that he had recently invited Bugs Bunny to become a made man.

“Ever since I took over this company I’ve had to figure out what to do with that rabbit. On the heels of reluctantly releasing The Day the Earth Blew Up I realized that making him a made man was long overdue. As CEO I have to make some hard decisions but for me this was an easy one. He was so happy when I told him I was going to make him a made man. He came to the meeting in his nicest suit and the look on his face when it happened is something I’ll cherish for the rest of my days. It’s what it is.”

The other members of the Looney Tunes claim that no one has seen Bugs since he told them he was to become made man.

“Something is fishy. First Zaslav cancels one of films, then he takes our whole catalog off Max and then he decides to make Bugs a made man and all of a sudden no one has seen him? It stinks. It stinks real bad,” claimed Daffy Duck. “I asked David where Bugs went after their meeting and all he said was that ‘he must have taken a wrong turn at Albuquerque’ before laughing maniacally”

Some of the Looney Tunes have prepared for the worst and are fearful of their lives.

“Bugs is gone and Zaswav is in a good mood. Something went down in that meeting,” said Elmer Fudd whilst continually looking over his shoulder. “I think Zaswav is finawwy cweawing house. Evewywhere I go I see bwack cars fowwowing me. Sometimes even a hewicopter. Isn’t it obvious. Zaswav is wwiting us off for good.”

At press time, when asked to further elaborate on the situation Zaslav simply stated “The blood of the rabbit will bring great value to our shareholders.”

Democrats Introduce Bill That Sits on Its Ass and Doesn’t Do Anything

Posted on by Garry Kerls

WASHINGTON — During a recent rewatch of ‘Schoolhouse Rock,’ Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer was inspired to draft a piece of legislation that sits on its ass and does nothing.

“After listening to thousands and thousands of complaints from my constituents, I am happy to announce I have submitted a bill that aligns with my message to this new administration,” Schumer told reporters as he hurriedly rushed out of the Capitol. “I want the American people to know that I hear you, and I will do everything I can to look like I’m actually doing something.”

The bill’s co-author, Senator John Fetterman, told reporters that the 3-minute animated music video taught him more about American lawmaking than two years in the Senate did.

“Red blooded Americans made that cartoon. It wasn’t some blue Australian cattle dog or a spoiled British pig, it was an American-made piece of paper that sang the blues ,” Fetteramn said, coming out of committee dressed for a pick-up basketball game. “And I deeply relate to the message of getting winded half-way up the steps of the Capitol, I finally understand someone else’s struggle.”

The contents of the bill is the entire ‘Lord of the Rings’ trilogy transcribed into legislation, solely meant to take more time to read than the Senate has allotted for.

“It’s a diabolical misuse of taxpayer dollars!” AOC remarked on a live-strem event she held instead of going to a House debate on Tesla integration. “But that’s exactly why Republicans are going to pass it through, and the entire House and Senate will have heard more about Frodo than the complaints of the American people!”

At presstime, Schumer and Fetterman have drafted a sequel bill that will put a traffic signal at Conjunction Junction.

Rising Content Creator Can’t Wait to Start Inappropriately Messaging Female Viewers

Posted on by Matt Fresh

DES MOINES, Iowa — Local content creator Seth Baskin, known online as “PikminPNG” is bursting onto the scene and he claims he’s very excited to get to the point where he can begin inappropriately messaging his female viewers.

Baskin, who is 35 with a wife and kids, spoke to local news about his goals as a content creator.

“You know that’s what this is really all about at the end of the day. “What’s the point of having an online following if I can’t take advantage of women who like my content? Sure sponsorships and connections are nice and I guess having a community has its perks but all of that pales in comparison to the opportunity to manipulate women into sending me nudes. Why do you think I chose to base my online identity around Pikmin? To attract the cute innocent types, duh.”

Internet historian James W. Tallybush said that not only is it not uncommon for male content creators to get into the business for this purpose but it’s actually the norm.

“When most people get into content creation it usually comes down to one of three reasons. They want to get internet famous in order to quit the real world, they just need a creative outlet, or, the most frequent motivator which is to obtain a position that allows them to manipulate and take advantage of women. From Dr. Disrespect to even supposed nice guys like Chuggaconroy, no matter what content they make, or what their persona is, they are in it solely to use their status to inappropriately solicit women. Sometimes underage ones. It’s become such a proven method that even well known individuals from other industries such as Drake have begun copying it.”

Veteran content creator PlayerNamedGus, who recently retired and deleted all his content amid various allegations of creepy behavior, wished PikminPNG best of luck in achieving his goal.

“PikminPNG seems like a great guy with a wonderful family and I’m sure he’s gonna make an excellent groomer once his brand becomes big enough. I have no doubt he’ll reach his goal and obtain a great deal of female viewers to take advantage of. It’s just nice to see a fresh face who’s hungry to get in there and shake up the creepy dm scene. It really is a right of passage for us male creators. My days of hugging the ladies over the airwaves may be over but I’m happy to pass the torch.”

At press time, PikminPNG refuted claims that it’s morally wrong for him to inappropriately solicit female members of his community, insisting “I deserve it, I’m a man”.