WASHINGTON — In a closed door meeting between personally owned GameBoy Colors, tech billionaire Elon Musk has acquired a rare level 100 Charizard from fellow tech billionaire, Elon Musk, our sources confirm.
“I think both sides of the link cable will profit greatly from this,” said the X owner as he exited the deal with several of his closest DOGE-appointed meme lords. “It’s a starter transaction that will unlock immense potential by blending Charizard’s high speed and special attack with Blastoise’s defensive capability and expertise in the Elite Four.”
News of this arrangement has sparked outrage across the internet from Pokemon purists who compare the deal to insider trading, something that would get any regular Pokemon player shunned from the community.
“Pokemon is my life, it’s my livelihood,” said one TCG scalper waiting outside a Costco. “But Musk’s got cheat codes, he’s using a GameShark or an Action Replay, just putting money into his own pocket and filling his party with maxed out killers.”
News outlets across the country have speculated the legality of the internal acquisition, likening the SpaceX CEO to Team Rocket leader, Giovanni.
“It was a private agreement between two privately handheld parties of which I happen to own both,” said Musk in another close-to-tears interview on Fox News. “The only person who could claim fraud in the transaction is me, and why would I do that? People are being such jerks.”
At press time, Musk’s new Charizard, ‘Gork,’ has one shot every encounter in the game.
In my experience, visual novels have a mixed reputation. They’ve become relatively easy to make in the last decade, so there was a lot of dross in the field even before the genAI dipshits showed up, and many of them are so minimally interactive that they arguably don’t qualify as video games. For every Danganronpa or The Letter, there are a dozen or more shovelware VNs that drag down the average.
Your House, on the other hand, emphasizes the “novel” part of visual novels. It’s an adventure game/escape room that’s primarily told through text, which often twists or warps to match what’s happening to your character at the time. There’s a fascinating blueprint here for a much-needed reinvention of the overall VN format.
On its own merits, though, Your House is a mixed bag. It’s got a few clever puzzles, but I’ve got a couple of issues with its presentation and storyline.
Your House is set in what I assume is meant to be the United States, at some point in the early 21st century. On Debbie Clough’s 18th birthday, she’s friendless, alone, and about to get expelled from boarding school. The only birthday gifts she gets are a strange key and postcard that arrive in the mail.
Fed up with herself, her peers, and her distant father, Debbie steals a motorcycle and goes to investigate the return address on the postcard. It leads her to a strange but comfortable house with no one inside, but which hides a series of seemingly unconnected mysteries. Debbie resolves to figure out who owns the house and who sent her the key, all while a stranger watches her from outside.
My first real problem with Your House is Debbie herself, who’s written as a sort of Holden Caulfield figure. You’re supposed to be able to empathize with her, but not necessarily like her. That’s always been a tough lift for me as a reader. Your mileage may vary.
The second is that, like Urban Myth Dissolution Center, Your House is absolutely aimed at a younger audience. It’s one of those video games that seems aimed at people who have almost no familiarity with its genre, especially since there are a ton of incidental pop-culture references throughout the house that all relate back to the same subject. It’s a young-adult novel at heart, and anyone older will figure out most of its twists in the first half-hour or so.
Fortunately, it’s also got some solid puzzles. There’s a little bit of everything in Your House, from hidden-object games to word searches to locks that only open in response to sound effects. Each chapter is devoted to exploring one part of the house at once, so it’s divided up into a neatly bite-size format, and it never uses the same trick twice. It’s probably easiest to describe Your House as a virtual escape room, but Debbie is trying to figure out how to stay inside.
A couple of puzzles are rougher than others, though, and a few break their own rules in order to pose a greater challenge. For example, there’s one puzzle that involves a timed light and a desk drawer where all of the in-game hints actively lead you towards the wrong solution. I’m not sure if that was a problem with the translation or an actual design oversight, but it was obnoxious.
(There’s also a segment of the game that involves hunting for clues with night-vision goggles, which forces you to pick out red text against a green background. I’m color-blind, so this was a serious problem for me. However, I’m told that the developers are working on it.)
That being said, I’d primarily recommend Your House to anyone else who’s ever wanted to make a visual novel or interactive fiction. It plays with the format in several ways that ought to have an instant impact on the field, primarily by treating the process of reading the text as gameplay in its own right. You often have to pick the correct word out of a long paragraph, click the right phrase or noun to continue, chase down moving words under a time limit, or use a flashlight to illuminate darkened parts of a page.
It’s a smart use of unconventional mechanics, especially in a genre that’s usually content to be a choice-based slideshow, and I’d like to see more of it in future releases. This could be a game-changer for VNs if anyone’s willing to pay attention.
Your House is absolutely aimed at a teenage audience, and comes off in the end like a sort of starter mystery. It’s worth picking up for an interested kid, then playing alongside them to collaborate on some of the tougher puzzles. What I’d hope is for this to have a big influence going forward, and for more games from this team that continue to play with the medium.
[Your House, developed & published byPatrones & Escondites, is now available on PC via Steam for $9.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative.]
LOS ANGELES — Trade magazine Variety is in hot water with film studio executives after allegations of journalism were levied at the publication. Variety has denied all allegations.
“We want to make it known to all studio executives that we wholeheartedly deny any allegations of journalism made against us,” claimed Variety Editor-in-Chief William Rosen in an official statement. “These are unfounded, completely fabricated falsehoods made to sully our good name. We would never risk our reputation with our wonderful partners at Disney, Warner Brothers, Amazon, Apple and all other major studios by engaging in honest journalism.”
The studio heads are taking the allegations very seriously. Disney CEO Bob Iger stated they would be launching an internal investigation.
“These are serious allegations that we do not take lightly. I don’t know about the other studios but Disney will be launching a full investigation into Variety to determine if the claims against them are true. It is absolutely unacceptable for our most trusted hit piece partner to be engaging in acts of real journalism. If they go down that road, it’s only a matter of time before they are uncovering dirty truths about us instead of blaming our failures on young upcoming actresses who choose to champion human rights.”
Hollywood actors have also weighed in on the ongoing controversy.
“It’s just so terrible to hear,” said Evil Queen and alleged actress Gal Gadot in a video posted to social media. “If Variety is going to start doing real reporting then who is going to frame me as a victim when one of my co-stars publicly advocates for an end to the Palestinian genocide. Without Variety reporting false narratives people will start to get the right idea about me. I mean could you imagine that? Could you imagine all the people,” Gadot then broke out into an unwatchable rendition of John Lenon’s Imagine.
At press time, as a show of good faith Variety is offering studios a 2 for 1 deal on hit pieces against actors who don’t toe the company line.
EMERYVILLE, Calif. — Pixar has announced a new movie for 2027 that will imagine a world in which Disney executives have emotions.
“We want to stay sharp,” said Quentin Spurgeon, an animator with Pixar. “We’ve given emotions to toys, bugs, and even emotions, so we wanted a real challenge. We first wondered about writing about rocks but then we thought, actually there is another thing on Earth with even fewer emotions than that.”
Disney executives championed the plotline after the mighty algorithm that decides what people like and want deemed it financially worthwhile.
“It has been decided,” intoned Oscar Kennedy, Disney’s junior VP for development. “We asked the great machine what the people want and it replied: live-action remakes of beloved animated movies, belated sequel series’ to 80s movies that people liked ironically, and Pixar movies with the caveat that the sequels are marketed well and the original stories seem to appear in cinemas as if by magic. With this new venture, we asked the algorithm if technology was suitably advanced to create the illusion that executives have emotions. After crashing three times, the algorithm finally said ‘affirmative’ before committing digital suicide.”
Child psychologists have spoken out about the planned movie due to the dangerous ideas it could present.
“This has possibly harmful ramifications,” said Leah Paladone, a child therapist and movie lover. “If we pretend executives have emotions, then children will want to be executives when they get older instead of realizing that it is the executives who are strangling the creativity of the arts. We don’t want children in the playground talking about green-lighting projects or shelving Star Wars movies. It is haunting that a child could see this movie and start talking about how it’s a good thing to delete a movie if it helps with tax write-offs or benefits the shareholders. Of course, my opinion might not mean anything as I recently lost my license for trying to convince the school board to make studying Luigi Mangione a mandatory topic from Kindergarten onwards.”
At press time, Disney hopes to release the movie in 2027 before adding it to Disney+ for two weeks and then deleting it forever.
NEW YORK CITY — In a move fueled purely by lack of consideration for others and a desperate hope to get in shape in time for beach season, you’ve purchased–and vehemently refuse to stop playing–Just Dance 2025, your downstairs neighbors confirm.
Ramon, 32, who lives in the apartment just below yours, was quick to weigh in with his thoughts on the latest installment in Ubisoft’s popular rhythm franchise.
“I’ve gotta say, Just Dance 2025 left a lot to be desired.” Ramon admitted. “We were expecting a killer tracklist this year, but so far the only standout has been what I have to assume is a footwork-only version of ‘Chop Suey!’. Last night I thought I heard Ariana Grande’s ‘Yes, And?’ but around what should’ve been the end of the second verse, I realized they were just fucking.”
Ramon’s roommate and fellow downstairs neighbor of yours, Ash, shared Ramon’s disappointment in the new game, highlighting some odd new features in the new iteration.
“The strangest thing about the game to me is the time-lock,” said Ash. “Apparently, the game will absolutely not let you play during the daytime when people are awake. I haven’t played the game myself yet, but I can’t think of any other reason why our neighbors would exclusively play between the hours of 1:00 a.m. and 3:00 a.m.”
Ash and Ramon also reported that the game has already resulted in a number of injuries, it would seem.
“A couple of nights ago, during an especially spirited rendition of Miley Cyrus’s ‘Flowers’, we heard a deafening rip, followed by about sixteen minutes of uninterrupted sobbing,” said Ramon. “But just when we thought we ought to walk up and offer help, the song started over and they were right back to dancing.”
At press time, Ramon and Ash can’t quite figure out if they’re hearing “Paint the Town Red” or just a particularly heavy load in the wash.
CORUSCANT, GALACTIC CORE — Wide-spread turmoil rocked the galaxy today, as an anonymous Bothan spy revealed he had been accidentally added to the Empire’s comm channel discussing the Death Star II.
“Well, this certainly makes my job easier,” said Yarsk Kri-tel. “Me and the boys had been planning this big infiltration mission that would see most of us get killed. It’s honestly kind of shocking how incompetent these fascists actually are.”
The leak was not discovered for several hours, with the blame eventually pinned on the Emperor’s Fist, Darth Vader. Perhaps more shockingly, Vader had also uploaded the Death Star II plans to the comm channel, apparently because he ‘wanted them while working remotely from Mustufar’.
“They [the plans] weren’t even encrypted,” Yarsk continued. “Took me all of five minutes to download them with this crappy bar HoloNet connection, alongside every message they’d posted.”
Alongside the leaked Death Star plans were messages from Admiral Piett complaining that they had to go and bail out Colonel Dyer and the Endor shield generator garrison, as well as demands for Grand Admiral Thrawn to come off “do not disturb”. The blunder has prompted calls for mass resignations.
“Vader was never fit for this position,” claimed a retired Clone Trooper, who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean first off, you’ve got the anger management issues. Choking people who make the slightest mistake? This isn’t Tatooine. Don’t even get me started on his addiction to that ‘meditation chamber’ of his. His own wife didn’t even want him to get this job. Guess what happened to her?”
Galactic reporters attempted to question the Emperor during his visit to the Death Star II, but were mostly rebuffed.
“Rest assured that the Dark Council will be investigating this matter,” said the Emperor. “It is unacceptable that this breach occurred, and the Bothan scum who read the messages will be held solely responsible and punished for his actions.”
At press time, Grand Moff Tarkin claimed “No classified materials” were contained within the leaked plans.
MINNEAPOLIS — In a shocking development, defunct gaming publication Game Informer is being brought back after GameStop traded it in to Gunzilla Games for $3 worth of credit.
“It was just collecting dust so we figured we may as well trade it in and put whatever we get towards buying something else to ruin,” said GameStop CFO Thomas Levendale. “I was honestly shocked at how much we got for it. I mean what kind of sucker gives three full dollars of credit for someone’s used product? I’m not complaining though, now we have $3 credit to get whatever we want. Dobson in sales suggested we use the credit to fund improvements to our customer experience and he was promptly fired.”
Matthias Price, a spokesperson for Gunzilla Games spoke to reporters about the deal.
“We’re very happy to have Game Informer back up and running under our watch. GameStop came to us looking to trade it in and we gave them a perfectly good deal. I mean we have to make shelf space for it, and try to sell copies so $3 was more than fair. We’re going to make much more money now than we would have if we had given them something close to the real value.”
When asked if the company’s interest in NFTs and the blockchain would eventually affect Game Informer, Price immediately left.
GameStop customers are excited over what the company can do with their newfound wealth.
“This is such a big opportunity for them,” said frequent GameStop customer Jeff Hawkins. “Not many people get three whole dollars of trade credit, they have enough to completely transform the store. Maybe now they even have the budget to get those space wasting video games out of there. They can put so many more Funko Pops and other nick nacks on the shelves now.
At press time, GameStop reportedly used their newfound credit to stock an extra pair of socks no one will ever buy.
LOS ANGELES — The cast and creative team behind HBO’s adaptation of “The Last of Us” hit the red carpet on Monday for the series’ season two premiere. Newcomer to the series, Kaitlyn Dever, turned heads in an adorable bulletproof vest from Gucci.
Dever spoke with reporters about portraying Abby and her excitement for the upcoming season.
“I can’t wait for the fans to see the season,” Dever said, her eyes darting back-and-forth across the walkway. “Abby is a tough chick, and I just hope I brought her justice. I think fans will be happy with my portrayal of her. I had to bring my A-game, especially with Bella and Pedro there, killing it constantly.”
Reporters attempted to ask Dever about online backlash but were interrupted when a nearby car horn sent her diving for the concrete.
“Nervous? No, I am not nervous at all. Why, what have you heard,” Devers said, picking herself up off the ground. “The internet has been nothing but supportive. I have no reason to believe my turn as Abby will change any of that. Hey, do you see that guy? The one over there with the dirty PS3-era Last of Us T-shirt. Is he staring at us?”
Things at the premiere took a turn when the unidentified, odious man hopped the press line and charged toward Dever. His attack came to a screeching halt when Laura Bailey, the original voice actor for Abby, appeared out of nowhere in full Armani riot gear and clubbed the man to death. Bailey then joined Dever for her interview.
“We shouldn’t be giving these neckbeards any time,” Bailey said, after complimenting Dever’s bulletproof vest. “It is enough that art is being jeopardized by content mongrels who are looking to make a buck off the very content they’re shitting on. I am here to support Kaitlyn and all the artists who made this night possible. If I beat the life out of an annoying gamer along the way, that’s just an added bonus.”
At press time, Bailey gifted Dever an Armani riot shield as they entered the theater.
Claim: The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) issued the following statement on X: “A recent audit of the United States Military uncovered a team of spearmen who have been stationed somewhere in the arctic for over 1,000 years. This dramatic oversight is just one of many examples of unqualified, inactive workers taking advantage of our government’s negligence, costing taxpayers millions in gold.”
Rating: Mixed
A review of historical military records does much to explain the presence of these arctic-based spearmen, who are, as DOGE claims, still on the US military payroll.
Around 723 BCE, the United States did send a small brigade of stick-wielding warriors into an ancient ruin found in what is now Durham, New Hampshire. These warriors did, in fact, find spears and arm themselves. The United States then sent these spearmen on an expedition to the Arctic in order to, in the words of President George Washington, “Look around and see if there’s any stuff there.”
After approximately seven centuries of “looking around for stuff” in the Arctic, the spearmen in question received orders, in a missive from President Washington in 2 AD, to “stay in one place and just sleep a lot until we need you to do something.” The US military, by the admission of current President George Washington, “kind of forgot they were up there.”
However, although the spearmen in question have continued to receive approximately one gold piece per year, no evidence exists that this military presence has cost taxpayers “millions” in gold, particularly when compared to similar overseas military bases, many of which cost tens of thousands of gold pieces per year. The “Poke Boys,” as they are colloquially called in online spaces, are inexpensive enough that the US does not require taxpayer money to cover their salaries. Their pay is covered by tributes from the city-state of Zanzibar.
When reached for comment, one of the spearmen just wrote back “It’s so cold, please let me die.”
rp_downtown_v2 – Elected representatives and political pundits alike were stunned today, as the Garry’s Mod roleplay server GovernmentMod succeeded in passing dozens of bills to improve the life of the server’s citizens.
“I mean, that’s what we’re here to do at the end of the day,” explained President xX_FillibustDeezNuts_Xx. “The people of the server elected us to do cool shit, and we figured that’s a pretty good way to keep winning elections.”
“No one liked paying every time they died, so we got rid of that,” the President continued. “A bunch of people got pissed when they found the richest players holed up with a bunch of money printers, so we threw them in jail and took their cash. Even the fascist uprising didn’t last for too long. Turns out banning those fuckers is a net good for society.”
Put the Money in the Bag!, the President’s party, was elected on a far-left platform of universal healthcare, free daycare for any player under eighteen hours of playtime, and headcrab-free sewers. Speaking with the playerbase, the reception has been massively positive.
“He’s done so much for us,” said SupremeCourter, a gun salesman with a Father Grigori player model. “Just the other week, I was walking on the pavement and ended up falling through the map. Talk about dangerous. I told my representative, and they passed a law to patch it out the next day. Had a similar incident in real life, and I got screamed at for pushing ‘fifteen minute cities’ or some crap.”
However, not all reception toward GovernmentMod has been positive. Elected representatives across the political spectrum have come out swinging against this virtual world.
“This is ridiculous,” said Gavin Newsom, host of the This is Gavin Newsom Podcast. “These teenagers might think they can play government, but they’re clearly behind us in a bunch of these statistics. We beat them in lobbyist funding, we beat them in the fewest bills passed in a legislative session, and we absolutely crushed them in tolerance towards Nazis. Time for these brats to learn about the real world.”
At press time, the United States Senate passed a bi-partisan bill banning “Garry Mod” from running for office.
