All speech is — metaphorically and literally — code. By this, I mean it is a message you must decipher using clues and context, yes, but it is also the programming code that drives the game of humanity. When a friend explains the plot of a movie to you, your brain takes that code, unscrambles it, and executes it into a set of moving images playing in your mind. Your friend, thus, is your brain’s programmer, and the quality of the movie that plays in your head is dependent on your friend’s skill as a coder. This is why friends are so powerful and dangerous.
I enjoyed listening to Corey Booker’s 25-hour speech. While I listened, I fried several delicious sunny-side-up eggs and piloted my drone around my house to see if I could find any of my missing Evangelion miniatures. All the while, my mind compiled and executed a program of solidarity with an efficiency that put me in mind of a eurasian beaver compiling a dam in the Sozh.
Senator Booker’s skill as a coder is, in this humble game designer’s opinion, quite promising. He’s also an effective voice and performance capture actor. I could feel the organic nanites of my mind working tirelessly to take a more compassionate, politically active form in mechanical response to his human-readable instructions.
But then, after a mere 25 hours, the speech ended. My hands, which his calls for action had driven to make eggs and pilot drones, fell to my side. My organic nanites, with no passionate verbiage to incite a mechanical response, fell into disarray. My heart ceased to beat for a moment. I felt adrift — an executable with no source. An actor with no director. A soldier with no country.
This leads me to my foremost critique of Senator Booker’s speech: not enough history lessons. Yes, Senator Booker spoke of the present-day United States eloquently and with the precision of a hummingbird striking a bee balm’s bud. But where is the historical context for everyone learning about this “United States” place for the very first time? I suggest that Senator Booker could have spent at least ten hours explaining how Pearl Harbor, the Cuban Missile Crisis, and 9/11 led the United States to its current state of emergency. Perhaps he could have employed archival footage as a visual aid.
I must end my column here in accordance with draconian word-count restrictions, but I look forward to casting Mr. Booker in the role of “Senator Doctor Strangecountry” in Death Stranding 3.
I watched a lot of reruns of the original “Muppet Show” as a kid, and one of the things that still sets that show apart in my mind was its occasional swerve into black comedy. Most of its run was devoted to musical numbers or parodies, but every once in a while the creators threw in a sketch in which Muppets went crazy, ate one another, or attacked the guest star.
It took me a while to make the connection, but Look Outside reminds me of those sketches. It’s packed with monsters that feel like they could’ve come out of the Jim Henson workshop, and features similar rapid shifts between dark jokes and outright horror. You’re never comfortable, almost always off-balance, and rarely more than a couple of decisions away from sudden death.
Look Outside, by Canadian solo developer Francis Coulombe, is a survival horror RPG set within a single apartment building. You play as Sam, an unemployed shut-in, who gets up one morning with a strange impulse to open his bedroom window.
If you do, Sam dies. You can hit the Game Over screen in Look Outside in about 20 seconds if you skip text fast enough.
If you don’t open the window, Sam has a conversation through a crack in the wall with his neighbor Sybil. According to her, some unknown phenomenon has appeared in the sky, and looking at it has strange effects on people. There’s a chance that it may disappear 15 days from now. In the meantime, if Sam wants to survive and stay sane, he needs to stay indoors.
That gives you 15 in-game days to spend however you see fit. You can sit in Sam’s living room doing crossword puzzles for two weeks if you want. That said, there isn’t enough food in Sam’s fridge to last that long, so sooner or later, you have to explore at least some of the building.
Early on, Look Outside is a sort of ground-level spin on console RPGs. You can find sporting goods and thick clothing to equip on Sam as makeshift weapons and armor, hunt for change to use in the local vending machine, turn household chemicals into improvised bombs, and occasionally beat a crazed neighbor to death with a baseball bat. If it reminds me of any one game, it’s probably Earthbound.
With each passing day, the building gets stranger. New enemies appear, locked apartments open up, and you’ll eventually have to search the lower floors for supplies. At that point, you discover that the building itself has mutated, and Look Outside quickly transitions into pure cosmic horror.
That’s also when the game expands beyond its initial roots. If you stick close to Sam’s apartment, there isn’t much to do beyond simple survival. Once you start going to lower floors, you run into more elaborate puzzles, side quests, and a maze that’s patrolled by a nearly invincible monster. The further you get from Sam’s apartment, the further away you get from Look Outside’s original genre.
The lower floors feature increasingly more impressive monster designs, which is what spurred my initial comparison to Jim Henson. The first couple of fights in Look Outside just put you up against crazy neighbors, but then I ran into some people whose bodies were rapidly being replaced by teeth and things just got weirder from there.
At that point, Look Outside also hits you with a series of difficult choices. You can opt to fight and kill many of the friendly NPCs throughout the game, make horrible sacrifices to get closer to solving the game’s core mystery, or try to befriend both monsters and other survivors. I don’t know if a zero-kill run is actually possible, but you can get through much of the game without violence.
It’s never less than creepy, especially as you gain access to some of the stranger side missions, but Look Outside never loses sight of its own absurdity. For every moment of pure body horror, there’s another moment that plays with the same scenario for laughs or sympathy.
In a more linear experience, that could’ve caused real problems with the game’s tone, but Look Outside’s open-ended approach helps to reconcile that. If your version of Look Outside ended up as a Lovecraftian spin on Shaun of the Dead, it’s because you made some specific choices along the way.
My biggest problem with the overall experience is that Look Outside might get too complicated too quickly. It doesn’t have an in-game map or quest log, and between side missions, main objectives, crafting recipes, key locations, multiple endings, and items with no immediately obvious use, there’s a lot that you’ll want to track.
It also mixes sharply limited resources, including breakable weapons, with a tendency towards unannounced difficulty spikes. You also have very few ways to heal or cure status ailments in the middle of a fight. Sure, you can pause outside of combat to jam six wheels of cheese down Sam’s throat, Skyrim-style, but there aren’t many ways to restore HP if you’re in a tough fight.
As a result, death can be both sudden and cheap. On the intended settings, where you can only save the game in Sam’s apartment, that can set you back an hour or more at a time. It’s frustrating, and I had to put the game down a couple of times to cool off.
I do tend to grade projects like this on a curve, though. Look Outside is a cheap, short game by a single developer that could’ve easily been a dull run at standard horror themes. Instead, it’s an idiosyncratic, immersive RPG with multiple distinct routes and endings. If you’re up for this kind of horror game and don’t mind its deliberate attempts to confuse you, you could get a lot out of Look Outside.
[Look Outside, developed by Francis Coulombe and published by Devolver Digital, is now available on PC via Steam for $9.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by a PR representative for Devolver.]
NEW DONK CITY — Mario’s sentient sidekick Cappy transformed into a MAGA hat to fit in after the pair found itself in New Donk City’s Staten Island borough, sources report.
“I knew something was off when we got on that orange ferry,” Cappy admitted. “We had been looking for a manhole cover to get to the city’s power source, and we definitely took a wrong turn. As soon as we got off the boat, all the New Donkers were draped in American flags and shirts with Donald Trump’s mugshot. Even the Power Moons had the Thin Blue Line design on them. I could feel us sticking out even more over there, but luckily we fit right in after I turned into a MAGA hat. Mario started getting high-fives from everybody we walked past, but I still couldn’t wait to leave.”
Resident Vinnie DelVecchio commented on what he had seen.
“I was headed over to Key Food for some Funyuns when I saw this little chubby guy running around bouncing off people’s heads,” DelVecchio commented. “At first, I was ready to punch his fuckin’ lights out ‘cuz we don’t do that here, but then when he got close enough for me to see his hat I knew he was a good guy. Turns out he’s a plumber, and I hope his business is doin’ well now that Crooked Joe Biden is out of office. I was about to tell him as much, but he turned into a power line or some shit and just zipped off.”
Mayor Pauline was dismayed when she heard about Mario’s experience.
“I really should have closed that ferry until Mario ships out,” Pauline lamented. “We’re going to have an absolutely gorgeous concert once he fixes the power source, and now he’s only going to remember the most embarrassing part of New Donk City. At least I was able to successfully quash the Staten Island president’s effort to have Kid Rock play the festival. That would’ve been an absolute disaster.”
At press time, Cappy had transformed himself into a knit beanie after Mario wandered into New Donk City’s Williamsburg neighborhood.
When I saw that Humble Bundle was selling nine Leisure Suit Larry games plus artbooks and soundtracks for just $7, I had to jump on it. No brainer. The 80’s version of me would never forgive the current version of me if I didn’t. One problem though: even though I’m a grown man and can do what I want, I still have a wife and kids and pervy comedy games aren’t exactly family entertainment.
So, I convinced my wife that I bought the Leisure Suit Larry Complete Collection so I could write this article.
Even though Hard Drive pays the talent exactly what we are worth, I am still going to make a slight profit off of this, which was a bonus when I made my case to the missus. But mostly, I leaned on her support of my love of video games and writing.
“I’m so proud of you Danny. You’ve always admired Hard Drive from afar and now you get to write articles for them,” my wife said, unaware that even the EGA depictions of cleavage in Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards still get me going. “I know these games can be raunchy, but it’s all just research so you can keep living your dream.”
What I’ll ask of you at this point, my valued reader, is to just keep reading, to look like you’re really enjoying this bit of satire. That way, my wife won’t be suspicious when it’s 2:00am and I’m trying to bed Passionate Patti in the third installment of the series. Here, I’ll even include another quote to keep up appearances:
“My Dad told me Leisure Suit Larry was an 80’s classic. It’s incredible what entertained horny gamers back before the internet,” recounted my 16-year-old son, who has never seen the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue.
Ok, here she comes. Give me a little chuckle right…now. Good, good, she just asked if my article got another like on Twitter. Maybe give it a share on Facebook – my wife will definitely see that. Now let’s cement the ruse with one more quote.
“Ew, these games are gross. This was actually popular in the 1900’s?” questioned my daughter, who is becoming more and more thankful she’s about to escape to college. “Is my parents’ marriage ok? Why would my dad want to play these games? Ironically, I hope.”
At press time, I realized I may have purchased the Leisure Suit Larry bundle just to keep up the bit.
VIEWROS — After downloading the latest software update to her Power Suit, Samus Aran is now required to watch a 30-second advertisement everytime she wants to fully charge her Power Beam, sources confirm.
“These suits were designed to last a lifetime,” said one Galactic Federation programmer hired to upgrade the bounty hunter’s iconic armor. “But from a money-making perspective, that’s psychotic! So we put a paywall inside it, giving limited access to the user and putting a premium on the actual fun stuff.”
The update – which happened in the middle of the night without Aran’s knowledge or consent – has capped fully charged Power Beam shots to three a day, while also locking the grappling hook behind a $30 DLC.
“I have no idea where I am, or how to get out, and now I need to watch a Hims.com ad whenever I activate my power visor?” Samus remarked in the contents of a distress signal originating on the undiscovered planet, Viewros. “It’s not enough that I’m literally biologically fused with this suit, but now my wallet is too?”
The Power Suit, which was originally designed by the Chozo, has been reverse engineered by the Galactic Federation to maximize its revenue gaining potential. This resulted in half of the suit’s abilities being pushed behind a paywall that can only be unlocked through the purchase of a premium subscription.
“We considered slapping brand logos all over it like a NASCAR driver,” said the head of the Galactic Federation’s marketing team. “But the only things that would ever see those are the gross aliens and bugs she’s always killing, not our preferred demographic, so instead we put the ads inside the suit, pretty genius, right?!”
At press time, with the help of Space Pirates, Samus has successfully installed uBlock Origin in the suit and set its VPN to Albania.
LOS ANGELES — Vultures are circling above the studio formerly known as Termite Terrace after word spread that Warner Bros. Discovery is demolishing the original Looney Tunes animation bungalow.
“Eh-the eh-the eh-the eh-the eh-that’s all really devastating to hear,” said Porky Pig, former studio mascot. “After D-Daffy and I just saved the pl-eh pl-eh pl-eh Earth from an asteroid too.”
The demolition is contracted to Acme Corp., known for its bed springs, fly paper, and straight-jacket ejecting bazookas. The teardown was scheduled to happen weeks ago but the truck delivering the TNT was accidentally driven into a wall painted like the studio, causing a lit cigar to fly from the driver’s mouth, lighting the dynamite.
“I say, I say, I say the unemployment office needs more staff. I say, pick up the phone, boy!” declared Foghorn Leghorn. “I’m not one of those docile pushovers you’re used to dealin’ with, son. I’m a loud-mouthed schnook with more feathers than brains, but I am indeed worried about my future.”
Ketchup Entertainment is currently in talks with Warner Bros. to purchase the Looney Tunes brand after a studio executive drove by the lot and saw a coyote holding a sign that read “help”. The timing couldn’t have been better as the Animaniacs were recently served an eviction notice to evacuate their water tower.
“They can have it if they pay up,” said Warner Bros. CEO David Zaslav. “That lot is blocking my view to Venus and it’s time to go. In its place will be a shorter structure housing offices to brainstorm new ways to write off taxes, in addition to spa rooms and an Erewhon Smoothie Express staffed 24 hours a day. We’re confident in Wile E. Coyote’s abilities to drop an anvil from a speeding rocket onto the lot. Any remaining characters on the premises will be chased by security into the sunset.”
At press time, David Zaslav was seen mixing a barrel of a mysterious green liquid while laughing maniacally
ZEBES — The galaxy’s deadliest bounty hunter, Samus Aran, made headlines earlier today after a public announcement that she had been denied her latest insurance claim.
“This is an absolute outrage,” said ADAM, Samus’ ship’s supercomputer. “Lady saves the galaxy on a near daily basis. These dangerous missions take significant amounts of time to complete, and often result in equipment loss or damage. She has insurance for this exact purpose, and now she’s being punished for it.”
The bounty hunter has been known to frequently experience spontaneous equipment loss, often necessitating a thorough exploration of any mission area to retrieve old items or find new ones.
“While we don’t normally comment on individual cases, the claimant’s actions are just ridiculous,” said Ms. Bergman, a representative of Phase-On Insurance. “They’ve filed claims for being shot down by Space Pirates, being blown up on a Space Pirate frigate, and even getting attacked by ‘shadowy shapeshifters from a planet’s evil half’. Don’t get me started on the report she somehow ‘lost’ all her equipment in her tiny-ass spaceship, ten minutes after dropping off a genetically engineered bioweapon.”
“The fact of the matter is that Samus Aran, with her decades of experience, is not nearly qualified enough to judge what she needs to complete her missions,” Ms. Bergman continued.
“Our insurance representatives fulfill that job just fine.”
Questions arose as to whether or not the Galactic Federation, Aran’s primary employer, could foot the bill for lost items.
“You’ve got to be kidding me,” said General Alex Miles. “She just got done breaking our unbreakable robots. She stole our fancy new ship and supercomputer. We’re still trying to settle lawsuits for ZDR and SR388. So no, we’re not exactly flush with cash to replace her missing equipment.”
At press time, Phase-On Insurance suffered extensive structural damage whilst Samus attempted to retrieve a missile expansion stuffed in their ventilation system.
KYOTO, Japan— After a rough 2024, Toronto rapper Drake has joined the cast of the upcoming Legend of Zelda adaptation as Tingle, the middle-aged map maker who believes he’s a fairy.
Legendary game developer, Shigeru Miyamoto, who is also a producer on the film, announced the casting in a video posted on the Nintendo Today app.
“We are very excited to have Mr. Graham on board to play Tingle. We knew we wanted a map expert in the role,” Miyamoto said with his lovable smile. “Everywhere I looked online there was reference to Mr. Graham and his work in maps. I knew about his acting and his rapping. I had no idea he was into cartography. Such a fun little hobby.”
Miyamoto goes on in the video to discuss the shape the adaptation has taken and how Drake is helping to form the film.
“He is already very hands-on in the process,” Miyamoto said, as the camera panned out to reveal him wearing a Take Care shirt with Mario in the place of Drake. “He asked so many questions on his first day. Would the film feature young Link? WIll the Bomber Secret Society of Justice be in the movie? What about Skull Kid? He is adamant about this being a movie for kids. He wouldn’t sign on unless I put it in the contract that we’re aiming for a PG-13 rating.”
To conclude the video, Miyimoto brought out Drake to premiere his new single, “Setting a New Course” which will appear on the film’s original soundtrack.
“Koo-loo-Limpah, they call me big pimpah. I’ve been through the worst, now I’m setting a new course,” Drake rapped, as Miyimoto bobbed his head awkwardly. “Tingle Tingle, Zelda you make my thing dingle. Tell Majora take off her mask, let’s link up and take on this love task.”
At press time, Nintendo released the first image of Drake in Tingle’s tights, which promptly broke most of the internet.
WASHINGTON — Earlier today, President Trump signed an executive order banning any man from playing the WNBA mode on 2K25 surrounded by a crowd of reporters in the Oval Office.
“This is the best, most beautiful executive order I’ve signed yet,” exclaimed the President. “I promised to protect all women, including computer women, from dangerous men besides myself. If any man is caught pretending to be a woman on 2K25 to try dominating Caitlin Clark or—that’s the only female basketball player I know, they will be permanently banned from the game and publicly castrated.”
While many on the right are celebrating President Trump for his strong action against men playing the WNBA mode on 2K25, some are shocked this was on the list of priorities for the President.
“Is this real?” questioned D.C. native Brenda Aston. “I thought he would be trying to decrease the cost of living for every American, but instead, he’s worried about video games? Okay, yeah well this ‘problem’ of men playing WNBA mode on 2K25 won’t be much of a problem for long since most Americans won’t be able to afford the game here soon.”
White House correspondent Alfred Greenly, who has followed Trump for both of his terms, is weighing in on what this executive order could mean for the future of the United States.
“While this seems like a performative stunt to appease his base, President Trump won’t stop at 2K25,” said Greenly. “He’s going to go after any video game where you can choose a character, and he’s going to ban men from playing as those female characters. So favorites like Princess Peach, Lara Croft, Samus and Ms. Pac-Man could soon very well be off limits for men to play.”
At press time, PlayStation has announced that they will be installing genitalia scanners to all PS5s sold in the United States to adhere to President Trump’s newest policy.
WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership packed the aisles of the Boardwalk Bar and Arcade earlier this week as the continue timer on a Mortal Kombat cabinet ticked down to zero. After failing to take down Shang Tsung, Senate minority leader Chuck Schumer calmed onlookers, reassuring them that this was all a part of his master plan.
“Why put another quarter in now when I’m just going to find myself right back at the continue screen a few moments later?” Schumer said, jingling the change in his pocket. “I’d love to fight Shang Tsung again, but now is not the time. I’m going to work my way back up the ladder, taking small victories along the way against the likes of Kano and Lui Kang. It may take awhile, but I’m going to keep at it.”
A line of young democratic leaders behind Schumer groaned as he inserted four quarters, selected Scorpion from the character select screen, and restarted his accession up the ladder. Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez was the most critical of Schumer.
“I guess we’re ignoring line etiquette now,” Ocasio-Cortez said, pointing to her quarters on the game cabinet. “We’ve been waiting hours for our time with that machine. He had some good fights here and there, but come on old man, it’s time to give up the sticks. Oh look at him, he’s just spamming Scorpion’s spear. He’s really phoning it in. That’s it. I’m gonna fight him.”
Across the bar, playing Donkey Kong in a secluded corner, Representative Nancy Pelosi had some words of wisdom for her younger counterparts.
“Good luck with that,” Pelosi said, as Jumpman grabbed a hammer and smashed down on some barrels. “You know how long it took me to convince Joe to get off the skee-ball table? You just got to wait it out. Old Chuck will tire himself and go away eventually. Now get out of here before people start thinking they can line up behind me for this machine.”
At press time Ocasio-Cortez inserted her quarters in an attempt to throw Schumer off the Mortal kombat cabinet.
