A while back, I gave Athena Crisis some shit for being a forthright clone of Advance Wars. In the interest of fairness, I now have to do the same for Dark Deity 2, which is wholly based on the Fire Emblem games that came out for the Game Boy Advance. It’s not particularly subtle about it, either.
That being said, it’s an interesting case of divergent evolution. Fire Emblem has gotten a little weird in recent years, as the success of 2012’s Awakening led Nintendo to file off some of the series’ sharper edges. Earlier Fire Emblem games are low-fantasy, high-stakes war dramas, like an anime adaptation of a Joe Abercrombie novel, while the newer ones are more character-focused and take a deliberately lighter tone.
Conversely, Dark Deity 2 is a deliberate throwback to those earlier Fire Emblems, such as 2004’s The Sacred Stones. Like Fire Emblem, DD2 is a turn-based strategy game where you take control of a small squad of soldiers who end up in a position to affect the course of a war.
Unlike Fire Emblem, DD2 has a noticeable sense of humor, as well as multiple ways to customize its difficulty. It’s a fan project at heart, but it’s taken some lessons from both its inspirations and its predecessor.
DD2 is a standalone sequel, set 25 years after the events of the original Dark Deity. You play as Gwyn, the daughter of the first game’s protagonist, who serves as a squad leader in her father’s guild of soldiers. Their job is to protect the small kingdom of Verroa, which is still rebuilding after a disastrous war.
Unfortunately, one of Verroa’s neighbors, the Asverellian Empire, has dreams of expansion. Gwyn and her team are in the area when Asverel abruptly sacks the small village of Haven, which puts them on the front lines of a rapidly developing conflict. That forces Gwyn, despite her inexperience, to make a series of choices that could determine the fate of her home.
Out of the gate, I appreciate that DD2 keeps its focus narrow. For the first couple of missions, you have a small team with a handful of easy-to-define roles: tank, healer, archer, wizard, monk. It also doesn’t explain anything about its setting or characters that it doesn’t absolutely have to. We as an audience don’t give fantasy/sf games enough credit for good exposition, and aside from a few mechanical details, DD2’s is great.
Once you’ve got a few chapters under your belt, you can start to customize your team. Any character who hits level 10 can be promoted to one of 4 new classes, which can dramatically change their role in a group.
I initially thought DD2 had inherited one of the big Fire Emblem problems, where you have to carefully feed your support characters the occasional easy kill to keep them from being 2 levels behind everyone else, but then I found out I could promote them all to classes that have some offensive potential.
(You can also use support/debuff abilities without foregoing your attack action, although the game doesn’t tell you this, which means healers in DD2 can actually be some of your best units.)
That degree of unit customization, in addition to a few major decision points over the course of the campaign, does mean that no two players will have quite the same route through DD2. If you’re into this kind of tactical combat, and especially if you like to experiment with weird character builds, DD2 will keep you busy for a couple of weeks. There’s a lot here for its asking price.
It’s also a significantly smoother experience than its predecessor was. The original Dark Deity took some heat for glitches and its large, mostly empty maps. DD2 has smaller maps with more obstacles and useful terrain, and I haven’t had any trouble running it.
It does make a few weird decisions with its UI, however. DD2 still feels counterintuitive after 10 hours in-game, particularly when I’m moving my characters or trying to pull up a menu, and several maps don’t call enough attention to their objectives.
DD2 also runs off of percentage-based math, so if you play it, you have to be at peace with what I tend to think of as the “XCOM problem.” DD2 isn’t quite as sadistic as XCOM tends to be, but I’ve still lost characters because they consistently came out on the wrong end of a coin flip.
The biggest problem Dark Deity 2 might have is that it’s intended for a very particular sort of audience. There’s a lot of baked-in nostalgia here for a particular title in a particular era of gaming, and I don’t know how well this would land for anyone who doesn’t share in that nostalgia.
For my part, there’s a lot here that I appreciate. DD2 moves smoothly, rewards creativity, and gives you a lot of options to make it as punishing or forgiving as you want it to be. It’s absolutely meant for fantasy/tactics die-hards, but if you fall into that category or you aspire to do so, Dark Deity 2 does everything you’d want it to do. You could argue that it’d be better if it was a little more complex, but its simplicity is its strength.
[Dark Deity 2, developed by Sword & Axe LLC and published by Indie.io, is now available for PC via Steam for $24.99. This column was written using a Steam code sent to Hard Drive by an Indie.io marketing representative.]
SAN BRUNO, Calif. — Content creators across the world released a deluge of reaction videos in-response to the new YouTube policy unveiled at Content Con 2025 dubbed Trickle Down Engagement.
“We’re so thrilled with this idea, rescued from our wondrous, wise past: St. Reagan himself blessed this land with instant economic prosperity! And now: we bring that infallible system to the Information Superhighway!” YouTube CEO Neal Mohan proudly announced. “True American patriots understand: America’s best ideas are behind HIM, and the only true innovation comes from looking back, never forward!”
YouTube star and pro-wrestling darling Logan Paul took a break from lobbying to make microplastics a basic food group to voice his unequivocal support of the new system.
“It’s lit, fab, boughie, and TOIGHT! Finally, I can save asking followers to LIKE COMMENT AND SMASH THAT SUB BUTTON, BITCHASS! cause I won’t have to! But you know, it’s not about me or likes, it’s all about you, the Paul Patrol! Support our Troops. Blue Lives Matter. Presented by Bloo Choo Train and Cheapass Razor Club!”
Other creators weren’t as happy. Phailing Downwards, a modest channel with a decent following, posted in his Community tab:
“This literally makes no sense. Any likes or subs I get just don’t count toward my income or channel’s algorithm, and go randomly to someone already more successful than me? And then THEY have to pay ME to keep my channel going? What kind of dumbass, bucket of crabs rubes would vote for this in overwhelming numbers?”
At press time, 87% of creators had left the platform, and channels that illegally repost porn with the nipples removed via AI scrubbing rushed to fill the void, now making up the top 26% of channels, collapsing the entire economy of the platform, and funnelling billions in revenue to a combination of Russian and Chinese data farms.
AKUREYRI, ICELAND — Icelandic authorities report 5 dead of exhaustion and dehydration after trying to hike the hilltop of Ytri-súla. All 5 were American tourists taking a hiking trip who were inspired by Death Stranding according to their Discord chat history.
At the request of their families, their real names have not been disclosed, but we have received permission to report their Discord usernames: The_Sockstuffer, i need a goth mother, Jilk (stylized in a unique font), RIP_T’Challa, and Bridges2bridges. The victims ranged in age from 21 to 32
“I told him it was a terrible idea,” stated Jilk’s sister. “He has never shown any knowledge of hiking. You can’t just decide to walk up a hill without expecting serious risks. Honestly, he was better off snorting cocaine than attempting any form of exercise. He gets out of his chair twice a day max. For god sake he keeps a urine bottle under his desk so he doesn’t even have to leave his computer to go to the bathroom.”
Emil Andersson, an Icelandic physician reviewing the case, expressed concern over the influence of video games on real-world decision-making.
“I do not understand why gamers think they could hike our hills. It’s very irresponsible for these games to normalize this kind of behavior because it leads to real world hiking. Just because you can do it in a game, doesn’t mean it’s possible in real life. I think that is the real danger of video games. It creates this expectation for people to think they could do the impossible. Relatively speaking of course. These impressionable American gamers need to go back to their shooting games.”
Since this incident, many countries with highly popular hiking and mountain climbing spots have put up updated warning signs for anyone planning on accomplishing the same feat. Grand Canyon officials have stated that they will be checking everyone’s play time averages from steam before allowing people to enter the canyon itself. Mount Kilimanjaro officials will fine those that have even touched a video game in the last 3 years if found climbing the mountain. Everest Sherpas have installed signs at the base of the summit that read, “Don’t Even Think About It” in perfect English.
At press time, a digital ceremony is to be held on the Death Stranding discord. It is unknown if Kojima Productions plans to include easter eggs in the sequel for these victims.
Pardon the intrusion friend! Oh please, there’s no need to get up from your desk, I just wanted to drop in with my associates Rocco and Tony here to have a little chat. I see that you’ve got a nice HP+ printer here and you have my sincerest thanks for purchasing such a fine machine. But a little birdie told me that you’ve just run out of ink so I just wanted to drop in and deliver it to you myself! I hope you can forgive me for being so disheartened seeing you’re not using the recommended premium HP brand ink.
Gee whiz, it sure would be a shame if you put that third party ink into this printer. It could lead to some unforeseen negative consequences if you’re not careful.
Listen pal, you and I both know that this second rate swill won’t do your documents justice. You need only the best ink and only we can provide that for you! I’m just confused because I thought you understood this from day one. I’d be more than happy to go over the T&S you signed when you set everything up, since you must have forgotten that we’ve allowed you the privilege to pay us a subscription fee for whatever we please.
Calm down friend, you’re not in trouble. I’m just ever so curious as to why you’d think some crap you picked up at Staples would work – oh, you managed to circumvent the DRM we built to lock out? Looks like we got a real tech whiz here! Hey Rocco, can you believe this guy! Maybe we can have him replace you at R&D since he’s so goddamn slick.
Listen you little cocksucker, do you think this is a fucking game? I am the printer industry and you’re gonna pay us just like everyone else. So here’s what you’re going to do: you’re going to be a good boy and turn “cartridge protection” back on and your printer is going back to not recognizing third party ink cartridges, much like how your family won’t recognize your face if you switch to Epson or Canon.
We know you have a choice when it comes to your printer hardware, but you better grow eyes in the back of your fucking skull next time you’re running low on cyan and try to go behind my back again, capiche?
For months, the dredges of the internet have taken to Twitter to decry the Assassin’s Creed franchise. No, they don’t have genuine criticisms toward its infuriating microtransactions or Ubisoft’s management’s treatment of its staff. They’re upset that there’s a black character in the latest game.
Now sure, the anti-woke crowd breaks down into fits of crying if their toast comes up too brown, but I’ve decided to do my journalistic due diligence. It’s finally time for someone to dive into this franchise and question just how accurate it is to the history of our world.
Spoilers for Assassin’s Creed follow.
Assassin’s Creed
The game that started it all. We kick off the franchise with Altair, master assassin, who screws up so badly he gets booted down to the minor leagues. His only shot at redemption? Mass murder.
Oh, and Nolan North is here, playing some edgy guy who is reliving his ancestor’s memories?
In terms of depiction of the period, solid stuff. However, it’s unbelievable that Altair, a C-Suite employee, would be punished and demoted for a cock-up that got innocent people killed, so I shall be deducting points.
RATING: 7/10
Assassin’s Creed: Altair’s Chronicles
Known colloquially as “Assassin’s Creed at home”. We once again follow beloved protagonist Altaïr as he faces off against Lord Basilisk in a race against time to find a dangerously powerful artefact: the Chalice. Spoiler alert, the chalice turns out to be a woman. A literal trophy wife. Mad points to the devs for the blatant yet historically accurate sexism.
The pixelated quality also provides a much more accurate depiction of what the past actually looked like (providing you can ignore that everything isn’t black and white).
RATING: 7.5/10
Assassin’s Creed II
The unexpected sequel to the Assassin’s Creed: Lineage series, Assassin’s Creed II throws us into the shoes of Ezio Auditore da Firenze in his quest to slay all the evil rich people who killed his good rich people family.
What else can be said about this brilliant work of historical fact? Leonardo da Vinci’s side hustle as an arms manufacturer, the holographic projectors beneath the Papal Palace (look it up, it’s real), the magical, world-ending fruit, and of course, heavyweight boxing champion Pope Alexander VI.
Raging Bull, eat your heart out. Finally, a game delivers on its promise of accurate historical representation, and allows me to fulfil my lifelong fantasy of beating up a pope in a fistfight.
RATING: 9/10
Assassin’s Creed: Bloodlines
Bloodlines presents several unfortunate inconsistencies with reality. The intro cutscene depicts Altaïr (he’s back, baby) killing a man instantly by stabbing him in the shoulder. Several seconds later, Altaïr reveals the ability to utilize his fellow human like a springboard to ascend several metres into the air. Cool as hell, sure, but when I tried doing it the only things that ascended were lawsuits against me.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed II: Discovery
What do you mean this title wasn’t released for the GameBoy Advance?
Discovery sees us resume the role of Ezio Auditore da Firenze, specifically between Sequences 12 and 13 of Assassin’s Creed II. Yes, you need to play this DS title in order to achieve a full understanding of ACII. In a romp across Italy and Spain, Ezio protects future colonizer Christopher Columbus and spares the life of Spanish Inquisitor Tomás de Torquemada (to quote Brennan Lee Mulligan: “one of history’s greatest villains”).
Unfortunately, Discovery suffers from many glaring flaws. For one, three-dimensional space has been a constant since the Greeks discovered we didn’t need to walk around like it was Paper Mario. Discovery only makes use of two-and-a-half dimensions. In addition, Discovery also allowed players to snap pictures of themselves and place them on in-game wanted posters. I haven’t been caught for any of my crimes yet, and thus deem this unacceptably inaccurate.
RATING: 2.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood
Also known as Assassin’s Creed II 2.
Ezio returns once more, freshly bloodied from his title match against the Pope, in order to train people in the noble ways of contract killings and defeat Cesare Borgia, Lord of Incest.
As much as I love it, the game does have some glaring faults. For one, the game is called Brotherhood and yet Ezio’s brothers all got yeeted in the previous game. As we’ll also see in the next entry, there’s a massive anachronistic fault that cannot go unpunished. Finally, Ezio gets shot so hard in the game’s opening sequence, he loses his abilities, armor, and cash. Samus Aran wouldn’t be born for a few thousand years, so I’m deducting points for using her trademark this early.
RATING: 5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Project Legacy
You know a game is hard to track down when the YouTube Channel Assassin’s Creed Series doesn’t have footage of it. Project Legacy was a Facebook game that integrated with Brotherhood, allowing Ezio to order assassins and purchase property while out on the town. The game was removed from Facebook after known Templar Mark Zuckerberg accused it of “violating the terms of service”.
Unfortunately, Facebook would not bring about the downfall of civilization for another five-hundred years. And while Ezio might have had access to reality-warping fruit and holographic projections of MILFs, he certainly didn’t have any 4G in Rome.
RATING: 1.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Revelations
The final game in Ezio’s storyline. Totally. We never see him again after this.
Assassin’s Creed II 3 sees Ezio on the trail of Altair, seeking to recover ancient doctor-repelling technology. All while Nolan North continues to be an edgy boy in the present day.
So what’s the issue with Revelations? The complete unbelievability of its ending. Ezio leaving behind the ultimate power, rather than use it for his own selfish benefit? Maybe in the fantastical land of video games, but here in real life we stab our morales and drag them into the nearest haybale.
RATING: 1.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Multiplayer Rearmed
An Adobe Flash lookalike that somehow escaped the hells of Miniclip, Multiplayer Rearmed asks the age-old question of “What do we do with all these leftover assets from DND night?” The answer is to create the greatest multiplayer game ever conceived. And by greatest, I mean the most barebones version of AC’s multiplayer that you can find.
Multiplayer Rearmed presents several historical anachronisms. For one, the game is presented entirely from a birds-eye’s camera angle. Second is the fact that the map is filled with copies of the same four characters. Finally, and most shockingly, there must be at least two players in a match, else it ends early. Very disappointing for us introverts who die in the presence of others.
RATING: 3/10
Assassin’s Creed: Recollection
Assassin’s Creed recollection was, as you might have guessed, an all-in-one game comprised of previous titles in the fr-
It’s not?
It’s actually a mix of a card game, art gallery, and app-store? And also happens to contain the ending of Ezio’s story?
In terms of historical accuracy, Recollection definitely suffers. The idea that the Assassins and Templars would settle their differences over what basically amounts to Yu-Gi-Oh is hilarious, but I’m pretty sure Ezio would just reach over the table and stab his opponent while he picked up his opening hand.
Part of me also wants to call out the fact that Abstergo employees seeking to unlock the lost memories of assassin ancestors would need to purchase microtransactions to pull the cards to do it. However, this is absolutely a business practice Abstergo Industries would implement if they existed in real-life, and thus I commend them on their accuracy.
RATING: 6.5/10
Assassin’s Creed III
Possible conflict of interest here: I am British. I understand most of our audience is American. Firstly, my condolences for, well, everything. Secondly, me playing this game would be considered by some as “cruel and unusual punishment”. Killing my racist, colonizing ancestors?
SIGN ME UP!
RATING: 8.5/10
Assassin’s Creed III: Liberation
“The left are trying to censor free speech!” The Templars scream, before censoring free speech.
RATING: 9.5/10
Assassin’s Creed IV: Black Flag
The best one.
RATING: 9/10
Assassin’s Creed: Pirates
“Abstergo, can we get Black Flag?”
“We have Black Flag at home.”
Ubisoft very much enjoys their smartphone/tablet exclusives, and Pirates is just the latest of them. Here you assume the role of French pirate captain La Buse, who uses his psychic powers to violently jerk the ship back and forth, fire the cannons at, and summon harpoons from the ether to slay whales.
While psychic powers are a mainstay in the franchise, I do have to criticize Pirates for character interactions offered only in the form of PNGs, as well as a complete lack of drag (the air resistance variety, though drag entertainment would also have been welcome).
RATING: 5.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Rogue
The prequel to Unity that no one asked for. Rogue puts us in the shoes of lovable centrist Shay Patrick Cormac, who doesn’t like the fact that the Assassins kill the fascist Templars instead of engaging them in robust debate. After he kills a bunch of innocent civilians by accidentally causing an earthquake, he blames his assassins buddies and makes it his life mission to kill everyone he was ever close to.
Oh, and if the player chooses, they can also kill more innocent civilians.
Hilariously the modern storyline has Abstergo brought low by a computer virus. It also has a tech bro stamping out any threat to their corporate overlords. I’d honestly give this game a 10 for historical accuracy, if it weren’t for the fact it sets up the events of the next game…
RATING: 7/10
Assassin’s Creed Unity
The year is 2011. Yves Guillemot, CEO of Ubisoft, awakes in a cold sweat. No, it’s not the toxic environment in the workplace that bothers him. He’s buried that well enough. It’s something worse. He gathers the board and delivers the message he received in his dreams:
“Marie Antoinette was right. They could have eaten cake.”
Assassin’s Creed Unity is a bold attempt to rewrite history, framing France’s royal family not as these greedy monsters who allowed their people to starve, but instead innocent victims in the machinations of a radical Templar (because the regular Templars’ fascism was fine). We join Arno Dorian, class traitor, in his attempts to ensure the poor stay poor and prevent the French Revolution.
Y’know, the French Revolution? A glorious example of the masses rising up against the rich and powerful? Well here it’s instead presented as a bad thing because “those benevolent royals were stopping regular people from running things, and some of those regular people might be evil.”
Part of me wants to joke about the game’s performance issues and frequent crashing. I’m above such things. Besides, the story’s enough of a car crash as it is.
RATING: 0/10
Assassin’s Creed: Arena
“But Amity,” I hear you scream into the ceaseless void, “they never made a video game called Assassin’s Creed: Arena.” First of all, don’t you dare speak without my permission. Second, you are correct. But the title of this article isn’t All Assassin’s Creed Video Games Ranked by Historical Accuracy. It’s All Assassin’s Creed Games Ranked by Historical Accuracy. Arena is a board game, and thus counts.
But is it accurate? Of course not. The world of Arena operates under the “turn-based” timestream. Players race against one another, assuming the role of cardboard figurines, in order to be the first to assassinate their circular cardboard target, whilst avoiding guards who may only move when a card decrees it so.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed Freedom Cry
Finally getting to some Kingdom Hearts style titles here. In all honesty though, that’s the only joke I’m going to make. This game rules. You get to butcher slavers. No notes.
RATING: 9.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Memories
“We must gather the lost memories of ancient assassins. Quick, fire up the Animus!”
“No need. The card game will suffice.”
Assassin’s Creed: Memories is the result of 23andMe and a tech bro’s torrid love affair. Instead of sneaking into the heart of a target’s castle, evading patrols and utilizing all your cool gadgets, it’s so much more fun to tap the “Eliminate Guards” button ten times over, with an arbitrary percentage of success (if you’re not spending money that is).
But don’t worry, fellow Assassin fans. We have gameplay. You get to chase after your target by tapping the screen as fast as you can!!! Relieve the suffering of assassin’s past as you inevitably shatter your iPad’s screen while failing to catch some model ripped straight out of Superhot.
RATING: 1/10
Assassin’s Creed Syndicate
Headed down to London town to bust union busters. We join Jacob and Evie Frye, assassin twins who attempt to save the city of London. Trust me, it’s not worth it.
We’ve obviously had plenty of interaction with historical figures before, but Syndicate really feels like someone in the writer’s room wrote a fanfic about their personal adventures with just about every famous person from British history. You’ve got your Alexander Graham Bells, your Queen Victorias, and let’s hear some noise for the 7th Earl of Cardigan. The stuffiest version of Super Smash Bros: Ultimate you’re likely to play.
RATING: 7/10
Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: China
Chronicles: China is the first in a trilogy. We play Shao Jun, last of the Chinese Brotherhood of Assassins, as we seek revenge on the (you guessed it) Templars for (you guessed it) killing our friends.
Now I’ve told a lot of jokes over this article, but I want to take a very serious look at the game and truly dive into its historic-
Holy shit is that Ezio Auditore da Firenze??
RATING 8.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: India
Chronicles: India provides us with a truth that many of us had suspected. The British crown houses the stolen Koh-i-Noor, the most powerful Piece of Eden ever crafted. Suddenly, the British Empire’s existence makes a lot more sense. No, I will not hear any evidence to the contrary.
RATING: 8.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Chronicles: Russia
The one where the Assassins are responsible for the October Revolution. Glory to our hidden blade comrades.
RATING: 10/10
Assassin’s Creed Identity
In a franchise that likes to shake up its core gameplay every couple of titles, calling a game Identity is a self-own stronger than anything I could ever come up with.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed: Origins
Oh boy, Origins.
First of all, an element worthy of praise: Origins does have an amazing Discovery Tour feature, allowing players to learn about the wonderful history of Ptolemaic Egypt without the threat of Templars kicking their shit in.
However, Origins has a very subtle, hard to notice anachronism that does dampen the experience a little bit. Y’know, the massive fuck-off virtual store peddling microtransactions. The intangible merchant through which protagonists Bayek and Aya can trade a player’s real cash for “Helix credits” (famed currency of Egypt), which can be spent on equipment.
If only Caesar had spent a few Helix credits on some better gear, he might have won the Brutus boss fight.
RATING: 4/10
Assassin’s Creed Unity: Arno’s Chronicles
Not to be confused with the Chronicles trilogy. We once again find Arno “I’m joining the class war on the side of classists” Dorian in his quest to ensure the working people get their daily taste of boot polish. Like our protagonist’s morals, the game is completely flat. We’ve already established the inaccuracies with such a depiction, and the game will be punished accordingly.
You may note that I haven’t really described the gameplay here. There’s a reason for that. As if to invest us in his pro-capitalist morals, Arno’s Chronicles is an exclusive for the HONOR smartphone. That’s right, you have to buy a specific brand of phone to play this game, further cementing Arno as the worst Assassin’s Creed protagonist.
RATING: 0.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Odyssey
“SPARTAN KICK!” I yell, yeeting an assassin off a rooftop.
“SPARTAN KICK!” I yell, throwing some poor swabbie into the drink.
“SPARTAN KICK!” I scream at the microtransaction store. I miss. The virtual goods peddler dangles some better gear in front of me, for the low price of 2,000 Helix Credits. Maybe if I buy it, I might beat it.
RATING: 1.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Rebellion
Everyone recalls the post-credits scene at the end of every Assassin’s Creed game, right? The promise that Ezio Auditore and friends would return in Assassin’s Creed: Rebellion? No? Just my fanfiction? Alright then.
Rebellion is what would happen if Funko ever got their rigid, plastic hands on the Assassin’s Creed franchise. Join Ezio and others as you forge a new brotherhood
Rebellion is unfortunately hampered by a few specific details. First of all, outside of a few core faces, Rebellion is entirely populated with Original Characters Do Not Steal. I don’t know about you, but the only people who actually existed are those who get their names written in history books. Also,
RATING: 2.5/10
Assassin’s Creed III: Remastered
Now I know you’re probably confused why we’re covering this game again. It’s just plain old Assassin’s Creed III, right? WRONG! The remaster saw fit to include The Tyranny of King Washington, an entirely canonical event in America’s history. I finally get to put that old racist in the ground, saving America from a dictator rising to power and unleashing hell upon its unsuspecting citizens.
RATING: 10/10
Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY’RE STILL DOING MICROTRANSACTIONS!?
I’m aware that accurate portrayals of Viking culture are rare in the modern day, but I’m pretty damn sure they weren’t summoning armor, weapons, and settlement furnishings through the almighty power of Helix Credits.
RATING: 1/10
Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood of Venice
And we arrive at our second Assassin’s Creed board game. Not going to lie, it looks awesome. I wish I’d backed the original Kickstarter, instead of going for the Darkest Dungeon board game. Five years later and I still don’t have it.
Unfortunately, Brotherhood of Venice has overlooked a key historical detail. While people were certainly shorter back then, Ezio was most certainly taller than the miniature provided. I was also fairly certain he wasn’t made out of resin, but Rebellion did prove me wrong on this point. Props to Brother of Venice for the continuity here.
RATING: 5.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Mirage
Literally unplayable if you haven’t seen the MCU.
RATING: 2.5/10
Assassin’s Creed: Nexus VR
Well well, look who came crawling back to Facebook. Nexus VR was a virtual-reality game released for the Oculus Quest 2 and 3 (yeah, I called it the Oculus Quest, what are you gonna do about it?)
However, the historical accuracy is jeopardized by one massive flaw. I’m in control. I’m not a master assassin. I can make a leap of faith down two steps before I wreck my knees. The only hidden blade I wield is the one in my kitchen drawer. Every time I try to alter reality with the Piece of Eden, I get laughed out of the supermarket’s fruit section.
RATING: 0.5/10
Assassin’s Creed Shadows
Shadows introduces a bold new mechanic: the ratio assassination. Eat shit, Musk and Grummz.
NEW YORK — Gamers rejoiced today as top heads of the video game industry, in conjunction with every other industry in the world, announced a modern re-release of the cult classic title The Great Depression.
“No matter how much video games advance, it’s always fun to go back and revisit the classics,” said Shuntaro Furukawa, President of Nintendo. “Nintendo is proud to be one of the many companies involved in bringing this remake of The Great Depression to life. We’ve already enjoyed seeing the discussion by fans about the upcoming Switch 2 version of The Great Depression, speculating on plot points, when it will release, and how much it will cost.”
Originally released in 1929 for the IBM 301 computer, The Great Depression was a first-person survival game that suffered from a mixed reception.
“It was universally hated,” explained gaming historian Lauren Fruitcake. “The gameplay was completely unforgiving, the way the player had to constantly work to afford food and housing in a world on the brink of collapse. But eventually it came to be appreciated for its in depth storytelling. The average person doesn’t really pick up on it while they’re playing, but the lore was really ahead of its time,” continued Fruitcake. “The whole game is set in a world where rampant overconsumption has created a fragile economy destined to crash, accelerated by a Republican President of the United States enacting major tariffs and crippling global trade, all while the threat of fascism lingers in the future. What a story, especially when you consider that this was over five years before the release of Planescape: Torment.”
While developers have promised the upcoming remake will stay true to the brutal difficulty of the original, a variety of new features are being included for modern audiences.
“We’ve improved the graphics, obviously,” announced Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella. “This time around everything will be in color. We’re also adding online features to the remake, so you can share your progress with your friends, post screenshots of your playthrough, and desperately beg the entire world for donations to cover basic living expenses … it really adds a new level of depth to the game that wasn’t there before. And for the truly hardcore players who thought the original was too easy, we’ve got a mode where players will have to deal with the accelerating threat of climate change on top of everything else!”
At press time, early work had already begun on a remake of The Great Depression’s sequel about a world war.
AUGUSTA, Ga. — Ahead of the Masters this weekend, representatives of the famous tournament at Augusta National Golf Club have confirmed this year’s key sponsor would be the upcoming second season of HBO’s The Last of Us.
The new partnership was announced in a joint press conference by actor Pedro Pascal.
“Nothing says spring like The Masters and good ass shows on HBO,” Pascal said gleefully to an audience who applauded at a respectful volume. “I mean get this. You can watch golf all weekend and when that’s over you can flip on HBO and watch the season two premiere of The Last of Us. And honestly, you golf fans are going to like what you see when you flip the channel. I will see you all on the course this weekend, whoo!”
Following his praise for the new season, Pascal exited the stage and newcomer to the series, Kaitlyn Dever continued the presentation.
“That’s right Pedro, I think golf fans are really going to like what we have in store for them with this season of The Last of Us,” Devers said to the audience members as they looked around frantically for Pascal. “For those who do not know, I am playing Abby, a new character in the series. I don’t want to spoil anything for you all, but Abby has one hell of a backswing.”
The audience grew restless as Dever’s presentation continued. Members of the audience could be heard shouting, “How long is the girl going to be”, “This presentation isn’t over yet”, and “Where’s Zaddy”. Dever powered through the rest of her presentation unphased.
“Pedro will be around, I promise, you will all see him again,” Dever said to the miffed crowd. “I just need you to know it is not going to be as much as you think. But before you boo, remember, this is the Augusta National Golf Club. You are pioneers in accepting women where they once were not welcome. Do not stoop down to the level of gamers and write us off ahead of the premier.”
At press time Pascal had not been seen on club grounds, leading golfers to believe he would not be returning for the tournament.
NEW YORK — In an effort to draw larger amounts of millennials into their flagship NYC store, Nintendo of America has begun dangling classic GameCube game discs from a long fishing rod and watching as the instant hit of nostalgia lures people inside, per multiple reports.
“Yeah, I’ve fallen victim to it more than once, I’m ashamed to admit,” millennial Todd Waters stated to reporters. “I just saw the original GameCube disc of The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker suspended there in midair, taunting me to just reach out and grab it, and before you know it I was inside the store. They really got me, haha! Leave it to Nintendo to get creative with their marketing practices, you know? Anyway, once I was inside, I figured I might as well pick up a copy of Super Mario Bros. Wonder. I’d been meaning to try it out, anyway.”
Onlookers have been completely baffled by the public display, in awe of the tactic’s high rate of success, according to sources familiar with the matter.
“This is really embarrassing for them,” said Hannah Hammond, a local Gen Z-er. “Oh, what, they have a disc of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door or Luigi’s Mansion presented to them and they just can’t help themselves? Honestly, that’s pretty pathetic. Ope, hold on one sec, there’s news about Mario Kart World. I have to go.”
Nintendo of America president Doug Bowser released a statement regarding the issue.
“Here at Nintendo, we’re always trying to bring in new generations of fans with quality games, while not losing sight of the folks that got us to where we are today,” wrote Bowser, in a post shared on the company’s Nintendo Today! app. “That’s why dangling these GameCube games from a fishing pole is one of our key tentpoles for this year. We want to make sure millennials know we’re still thinking about them, not only through offering classic Nintendo titles like Super Mario Sunshine on the Switch and Switch 2 for $79.99 a pop, but also by actively encouraging their business in real life. And as you can see, it looks like business is booming.”
At press time, an ambulance was called after a millennial hit their head on a street pole while following a moving GameCube disc of Pokémon Colosseum towards the Nintendo store.
WASHINGTON — Wandering awkardly around the country, kill screen enthusiast Brian Kuh stopped at several landmarks and shouted at the top of his lungs about an upcoming United States kill screen that was quickly approaching.
“U.S. kill screen coming up at the White House, if anyone wants to watch,” the former Donkey Kong prodigy shouted at a group of lost tourists who were just looking for directions to the Lincoln Memorial. “I mean it’s not as hard as running a decathlon or triathlon, but it’s still very very hard.”
Kuh continued on, imparting the historical significance of this kill screen to any passersby.
“Trump’s hammering the markets and avoiding Democrats barreling down on him, but this run could come to an end if he’s not careful of those pesky judges,” Kuh said, pointing aggressively in the direction of the White House. “Many players have tried and failed at what Trump is doing here today, players like Buchanan, Reagan, and Trump the first time.”
James Glint, a stockbroker, further explained the upcoming kill screen as he stood on a nearby rooftop staring into the middle distance.
“The thing about the U.S. kill screen is that everything keeps going for a little while longer after you’ve reached it,” Glint said as he handed us a note for his spouse and his shoes. “We hit the kill screen a few days ago, so it’s only a matter of time.”
At press time, Kuh stared at the White House, envious of Trump’s achievement.
EDEN, Utah — Everybody inhabiting the log cabin in the character select screen of 1998 classic “1080° Snowboarding” found themselves hoping that you don’t pick them, sources report.
“I just got in from a long day out on the slopes, and all I want to do is relax,” character Dion Blaster told reporters. “I’m going to play pool while not looking at the camera and hope you somehow take the hint and go on your way. I mean, just look at all of us. You haven’t noticed that we’re all pointedly avoiding eye contact with you? Kensuke was absolutely freezing when he got in a few minutes ago, and he clearly wants to unwind by the fire. We love this cabin and just want to relax. Get a clue, man. Please just go away and play something else.”
You clearly didn’t take the hint despite the overt body language displayed by the characters.
“Hmm, Dion’s technique is a little low, but look at that max speed stat,” you said while staring dead-eyed at your television screen. “The CPU has a habit of catching up pretty rapidly on these courses, so I think I’m going to go with him over Kensuke Kimachi. I love how this game puts all the characters in this beautiful log cabin. It really enhances the setting and gives you the feeling that they’re all enthusiastic about getting back out on the mountain.”
Video game psychologist Jiemba Foster provided her expertise on the situation.
“We tend to view characters as empty vessels that are only there to serve us, but think about it,” Foster mentioned. “Do you really think your Black Ops 6 character is excited to get shot at while infiltrating Saddam’s palace, or your Madden create-a-player is chomping at the bit to get repeatedly concussed on the field? It would certainly behoove us as players, and as human beings, to try considering the feelings of the characters we’re controlling every once in a while.”
At press time, Blaster was hoping that you at least don’t decide to launch him off that cliff in Dragon Cave after choosing him.
