AUGUSTA, Ga. – 24-year-old James Grier had a life-changing experience playing notable indie management sim Spiritfarer on the same CyberPowerPC GeForce gaming PC that he regularly uses to masturbate to Internet pornography, sources report.
“What an unbelievable gaming experience that was,” Grier noted as credits rolled on the KOORUI curved gaming monitor that, just three hours earlier, had displayed the stepsister-themed JOI video he had viewed while manipulating himself to completion. “I don’t normally get emotional playing video games, but watching Stella hug Daffodil after accepting that it was her time to pass on brought tears to my eyes. This made me completely reevaluate how I spend my time and interact with people. Now, would you mind stepping out of my bedroom for a few minutes? I’ve got something I need to take care of.”
Grier’s mother, Janice, rolled her eyes at her son’s habits.
“James is still living at home even though he graduated from college two years ago,” Mrs. Grier commented. “If he wants to spend his free time playing video games, or whatever else he does on that expensive computer of his, that’s his concern. I just wish he would get a job, or at the very least clean up his own room. I swear, I empty those balled-up tissues out of his wastepaper basket at least three times a day. That boy must have the runniest nose in the world.”
CyberPowerPC spokesperson Terrelle Gerver reflected on how his company’s products are used.
“Our engineers have devoted their lives to developing customizable PCs that revolutionize gaming,” Gerver provided. “We’ve had a presence in every big eSports event, and the best players in the world have seen our products as reliable tools for reaching their true potential for over two decades. However, we’re also aware that our customers are using our top-of-the-line processors to jack off. It’s not our business to dictate how they’re used, but it is kind of disheartening, and we try not to think about it.”
At press time, Grier had decided to take a five-minute “personal break” in the middle of his To the Moon playthrough.
