HYRULE KINGDOM — Legions of Ganondorf’s horrible henchmen have reported suffering an existential crisis of sorts following their seventh resurrection back to this mortal plane via the Blood Moon, confirmed sources.
“Me used to think job easy,” stated a recently-revived Bokoblin to the press. “Spot hero, swing club, die fighting. Had purpose. This now seventh life…did me not do good job first six times? What do differently this time? Things not make as much sense now. Starting to re-think life choices. Maybe I not attack hero this time. Maybe I start woodworking business like I planned out of college. Ganon have many other monsters. It time I ask self what true purpose is.”
Ganondorf, wielder of the Triforce of Power and the legendary King of Evil, spoke about the frequency with which he brings his slain foot soldiers back from the grave.
“I do feel a little bad about bringing them back so often—occasionally,” said the Demon King. “But on the other hand, evil armies run up quite the tab, you know? Who do you think supplies them with all of their clubs, bows and other crude weaponry? If I have the ability to do it, which I do, by the way, then why spend more rupees than I need to? Plus, you have to think…it’s better than being dead. Is that insensitive to say? I don’t know. It’s true, in my opinion.”
The Hero of Hyrule and wielder of the Blade of Evil’s Bane, Link, offered his thoughts on the matter as the primary person who sends Ganondorf’s minions to their mortal ends.
“[Yeah, it’s never fun. It might look easy, building various horrifying contraptions to kill these guys, but it does take a toll on the brain. When I feel the worst is when I actually recognize the poor fellas after I’ve already slain them a couple of times.]” said the Hero, whose grunts and guttural screams were interpreted by a translator. “[It’s like, ‘Ah man, I know I blew up this Lizalfos with a bomb arrow last time. Sorry about that, dude. Unfortunately I do also have to burn you to a crisp with this flamethrower I put together.’ That’s just how it goes when you’re saving the kingdom. It’s nothing personal.]”
At press time, the Blood Moon was seen rising once again, the aimless spirits of slain monsters returning to flesh, just as they did in a war long past.
