MUSHROOM KINGDOM — Waluigi, noted foil of Mario and Luigi, has been arrested after being caught masturbating in public at Cheep Cheep Beach.
“I was doing my morning patrols at Cheep Cheep Beach as usual,” says Police Officer Toad, “when I heard this nasally ‘WAA’. It was disturbingly erotic. I went to investigate and that’s when I found Mr. Waluigi with his overalls off, in sexual congress with himself. He most likely chose that location and time of day, because Cheep Cheeps were extremely active, leaping out of the water and enticing people. That’s usually the reason we catch people here.”
After he called it in, Waluigi was detained by a Lakitu with a fishing pole. Many residents observed the lanky man in the air, waving his arms frantically and screaming “WAA!”
When later reached for comment, Waluigi was indignant.
“First of all, waa. Second, I’ve been under a lot of stress with an upcoming Mario Kart Tournament. It’s a new world with new stakes and… and I needed a release. Third, I don’t have a thing for Cheep Cheeps or their big, beautiful lips.” He then added a disheartened “waa.”
Wendy O. Koopa, Waluigi’s lawyer, is outraged at the MKPD for sex-shaming her client. She went on to suggest that her client’s public amorous display is a symptom of something deeper than just a go-kart race.
“I don’t think I’m talking out of school when I say that Mushroom Kingdom is one of the most sexually repressed nations ever. I mean, nobody fucks around here. And soon, all that sexual build-up has got to go somewhere and it poses a danger for people. Why do you think all those Bob-Ombs just randomly explode?”
A court hearing date has not been disclosed.
At press time, a Chain Chomp was apprehended after it was caught in the middle of choking itself with its own chain in an attempt to reach orgasm.
