EL PASO, Texas — The console wars entered their next stage earlier today as the Drug Enforcement Agency announced it had busted a cartel attempting to smuggle Nintendo Switches into the United States.
“Americans can sleep easy tonight,” said ASAC John Balls. “Thanks to the efforts of our brave operatives, we’ve put an end to one of the most lucrative, evil enterprises ever conceived. No, I’m not talking about privatized healthcare. I’m talking about some two-bit gang trying to dodge import tariffs on Japanese gaming consoles.”
The raid had taken place in a warehouse at the United States/Mexico border, resulting in several DEA casualties and an estimated $29 million in property damage.
“It was a brutal fight, but we pulled through,” John Balls continued while showing photos of several bloodied Nintendo Switch 2 boxes. “Those Yakuza types thought they could get around paying this president? I don’t think so. Turns out the DEA does what Nintendidn’t. Show blind loyalty to a fascist regime.”
Reactions to the raid have been mixed, with current polling suggesting a 87/13 split in favor of criticizing the DEA’s actions. Some American citizens were approached for comment.
“Thank the lord,” said Tammy Janesbeer. “I don’t want to live in a world where my child gets their hands on a tariff-free gaming console. Who knows what kind of woke, satan-ass content they’d load that thing up with?”
With the prospect of violent gangs threatening the youth of America, Nintendo was quick to address the situation.
“That wasn’t a smuggling operation!” Doug Bowser exclaimed in a terse phone interview, “They shot up a delivery truck containing Nintendo Switch 2 pre-orders! They blew up one of our fulfillment centers! We paid those tariffs! What in the ever-loving Lava Land hell is going on over there!?”
At press time, the DEA announced they’d be teaming up with ICE to steal consoles directly from American citizens.
