PLANO, Texas — A recently deputized agent for the United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement has earned a flashy new accessory after completing 100 unconstitutional detainments since the beginning of the second Trump administration.
“I was beginning to think I would never unlock it,” said Connor Stevens, a former sheriff’s deputy. “All the guides online said you got it after 100, but a lot of the guys here said their friends got gold sunglasses after smashing 50 windows, so I thought maybe something got screwed up and I’d never get it. To be honest, I don’t even like how it looks, but I gotta wear it so everyone knows that I’m for real. They need to know how hard I’ve worked to get here.”
Some of Stevens’s fellow agents did not admire his achievement.
“Sure, if you grind all the easy kidnappings, you can get that tacky skin in no time,” said Greg Parker, who volunteers at a local militia. “Some of us only do the higher-tier illegal detentions—y’know, the ones that require tactics. I don’t want to just grab a guy off the street. That’s not intellectually stimulating. I want to threaten a woman’s granddaughter to bait her into a trap. I want to find crazy ways to interpret tattoos so that they ‘prove’ gang membership. Really, they should just discontinue the gold gear. Not only does it ruin entire missions by being incredibly conspicuous, it’s also incentivizing these no-talent prestige-farmers to only take the easy jobs. Queues for the good kidnappings have been insanely long.”
ICE Director Todd Lyons defended the rewards program.
“I want to be clear: these unlockables are purely aesthetic,” said Lyons. “They offer no advantages to the agents who have obtained them, and they’re not meant to create any kind of hierarchy. The intent is to provide agents with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different gear. Also, we’ve found that most of our agents are primarily motivated by dangling shiny objects in front of them. That, and a sociopathic need to inflict pain and trauma on vulnerable people who can’t reasonably fight back.”
At press time, Stevens had reportedly stopped wearing his gold gaiter, as it was incompatible with his newly purchased Homelander skin.
