MENLO PARK, Calif. — Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has announced additional changes to the company’s moderation policies, including a new list of banned terms, sources confirmed.
“Facebook and Instagram users of all temporal identities should feel welcome on our platforms,” said Zuckerberg. “Individuals who make hateful remarks about the clothing and haircuts of anyone born before the year 2000 will be immediately suspended, especially if those clothes actually look really, really cool. Additionally, anyone who makes disparaging remarks about divorced men or starts dating my wife will be permanently banned from all Meta platforms.”
Facebook users said they were still adjusting to the changes.
“I have a buddy who got banned for commenting, ‘OK boomer,’ under a post complaining about gender-neutral bathrooms,” said Tyler Cranston, 20. “I know better than to be that blatant, though. I watched the video of that weird, curly-haired old guy, where he told everyone to stop making fun of him. I get why they keep doing it, though. He just looks like one of those pale, shapeless fish from way at the bottom of the ocean. You know, like all really old people do. Maybe he should try mewing to get his jawline right.”
Gerontologist Dr. Steven Malloy explained the sudden change in Zuckerberg’s behavior.
“This is just a natural effect of his aging body,” said Malloy. “Every day presents a new challenge for him. New aches, pains. His mind is a bit slower. More and more wrinkles, a retreating hairline. Maybe his memory is slipping, too, and he’s having a bit of trouble managing his day-to-day life. He may struggle to get an erection. It happens to everyone. You really have two choices. You can take a moment to process the changes and understand that you are still yourself, and a person worthy of love and respect, even if you’re not quite as quick or strong as you used to be. Or you can panic, blame all of your problems on a vulnerable minority, and promote a nascent authoritarian regime. It all comes down to whether you are a good person or a festering pile of maggot-covered shit in human form.”
At press time, Zuckerberg was seen wearing sunglasses and purchasing an F-22 Raptor, asking the salesman if he could, “fly it with the top down.”
