KYOTO, Japan — Nintendo sent Zelda fans into a frenzy after a surprise update to the series’ official timeline to include the exact date and time of the death of anyone who has ever played a game in the series, insiders have confirmed.
“With so many branching timelines in the Zelda series, we know it can get confusing as to which games fall into what future or past within the saga. We felt it was finally time to make it clear in the timeline the precise moment you abandon your mortal coil and how it may or may not correlate to the events of ‘The Wind Waker’,” said series producer Eiji Aonuma. “Careful consideration and deliberation has been made as to when the events of the games take place, but the precise moment and cause of your deaths was quite simple thanks to our in-house oracle. We hope gamers will be excited to see if they’ll live long enough to play the next entry!”
Zelda fans were surprised, then upset to see their ultimate fate included in the history of Hyrule.
“This can’t be right. The website says I’m going to be hit by a bus on June 12, 2032, and not only that it’s during the Twilight Realm timeline! Does that mean someone on the development team can traverse time and see how I die or is this some kind of ‘Majora’s Mask’ easter egg where I know death is imminent,” you say, desperately refreshing the Legend of Zelda home page. “All I wanted was some clarification on when the hell ‘Breath of the Wild’ is supposed to take place. Is this because of all those ROMs I downloaded? God, the only way this can get worse if they included that cringey fanfiction I wrote in middle school – as shit, there it is. Well Nintendo, I know you can see me somewhere, so go ahead and update the timeline to kill me now.
Aonuma added that if you go and whine about the circumstances of your demise on social media, your death will automatically be re-canonized within the crappy CD-I Zelda timeline.
