NEW YORK — Disgraced president George Sears, also known as Solidus Snake, was unable to execute his plan to restore American liberty after expending all of his effort dealing with his adoptive son Jack’s troublesome behavior, sources confirm.
“No reasonable person who looks at the facts of Jack’s cases can reach any other conclusion than Jack was singled out only because he is my son—and that is wrong,” wrote Sears in a statement before he confronted his son atop Federal Hall. “There has been an effort to break Jack—who has been living with injected nanomachines for five and a half years, even in the face of unrelenting attacks and selective prosecution. In trying to break Jack, they’ve tried to break me—and there’s no reason to believe it will stop here. Enough is enough. I have no choice but to drop everything and kill him myself.”
Internet users reacted to Sears’ sudden shift of policy.
“For so long now, he’s been adamant that he was overthrowing the United States government,” said X user @George_Washington, whose listed pronouns were “la-li-lu-le-lo” and who stopped posting after being asked who David Mayer was. “Now, all of a sudden, it’s about how this shadowy cabal has been treating his son unfairly and controlling the world’s economy through massive censorship? I think Sleepy George has lost the plot.”
Some of Sears’ allies were also critical of his behavior.
“If there’s one thing I’m known for, it’s my consistency,” said Revolver Ocelot, one of Sears’ top lieutenants. “To see the former president reveal that his stated motives were all a smokescreen and he was actually trying to get away with some crazy, convoluted scheme? That’s just unthinkable to me. That’s the story here, and it’s what everyone should focus on: that Sears was speaking out of both sides of his mouth, and that ol’ Revolver Ocelot’s loyalty is not in question.”
At press time, the Supreme Court ruled that Sears’ hijacking of Arsenal Gear was an official act of office despite the fact that it took place after his term, granting him immunity from prosecution.
