HYRULE — Sources close to Zelda, Princess of Hyrule, say that she appears to be clinically depressed, and has only been spawning in beds in response to every puzzle she comes across during her prolonged battle against the forces of darkness.
“We’re supposed to be working to repair the rifts that have appeared across the kingdom, but lately Zelda has been acting…different,” said Tri, a spirit assisting Zelda in fighting the rifts. “I really started being concerned when in every dungeon room she would spawn in a bed with a TV just to start rewatching Bojack Horseman again.”
Princess Zelda has reportedly been given the power to duplicate any object or monster she comes across in her journey, and is denying claims that she is using this godlike power exclusively to bedrot.
“I’m not depressed. I mean at most I’ve been a little more tired lately and my sleep quality is terrible and I have no appetite and there doesn’t seem to be a point to continuously fighting these monsters,” said Zelda, who slept for 13 hours yesterday. “Look, sometimes these puzzles call for me to echo five beds to make a California King. And sometimes I need to rest for three hours after doing that because it takes a lot out of me. And yeah, sometimes I’ll stay in bed scrolling on my phone after that for a few hours—oh god I might be depressed.”
Friends of Zelda were initially concerned about the princess’s behavior when they discovered that she hadn’t been eating as well, opting instead to create echoes of cereal for every meal.
“Impa tried to get me to talk to her, but it’s been hard getting through in our sessions,” said Dr. Bas, the Hyrule royal therapist. “Every appointment we’ve had has ended with Zelda possessing me and dragging me into a two block high body of water she spawned in. So progress has been slow.”
As of press time, Zelda’s mental health has reportedly improved drastically since drinking a smoothie consisting of a golden egg and a prescription 10mg Prozac pill.
