If you’re anything like my wife, you’ve spent more time playing “Stardew Valley” in the last few years than you have sleeping. Also, you love me unconditionally. I get it—the game requires a strong commitment. Farming, mining, and building relationships all take a lot of time and effort. The deeper you immerse yourself in Pelican Town, the more rewarding the game becomes—but there is a cost. It will slowly dominate your waking hours, leaving precious little time for anything else, including your actual social life. Luckily, the game’s Festival events provide you a list of built-in excuses to get out of your IRL obligations so you can spend the rest of your days on the farm. Check out the list below to see which ones will be easiest to use.
Stardew Valley Fair
Unfortunately, this one is too obvious. Even if your friends and family don’t immediately clock that “Stardew Valley” is that video game that you’re playing all the time, they’re sure to ask you where it is and why they’ve never heard of it. I’m sorry to say, you’re not going to Stardew Valley Fair, no matter what herbs or true loves are there.
Festival of Ice
Come on. This sounds like something you came up with off the top of your head. “I’m sorry, Amanda, I can’t come to your baby shower. I’ve already got my tickets to the, uh, Festival of…Ice. Yeah. I got really into cold stuff during the lockdown.” She’s not gonna buy it.
Dance of the Moonlight Jellies
This one has the exact opposite problem: it’s too fanciful. Even if they somehow believe you, they’re gonna have questions. And, unless you want to recite a scene from Wes Anderson’s 2004 film “The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou,” nearly verbatim, you’re not gonna have satisfying answers.
Desert Festival
Do you really think your mom is gonna be okay with you missing Mother’s Day brunch because you’re going to a Wish.com version of Burning Man? And, no, telling her that you’ve got a good feeling about Escar-go and that you’ll be rolling in Calico Eggs soon will not placate her.
Feast of the Winter Star
People get pretty touchy about winter holidays. Even if they don’t celebrate Christmas, they’re definitely gonna roll their eyes when you say this. If they’re over 50, it’ll be the subject of their next Facebook post. Don’t mention the “secret gift-giving” unless you want them to get indignant about how, “You’re not even allowed to say ‘Secret Santa’ anymore.”
Egg Festival
This one might seem like a no-brainer since it’s so close to “Easter” or “Egg Hunt,” and sure, you’ll be able to slip it past some less attentive folks. Eventually, though, someone’s gonna ask why you keep saying it like that. Plus, what if they find out that you’re the only adult competing in the actual egg hunt?
Night Market
This is a totally believable excuse for most obsessive “Stardew Valley” players. The only flaw is that it sounds cool enough that some people might ask if they can tag along, especially once you bring up the Mermaid Boat. Hey, if they seem cool, you can always start a co-op save.
Luau
Unless you actually have an actual connection to Hawaiian culture, this is cheesy enough that people will buy it and not ask any questions. If you are Hawaiian, do not use this excuse. You will end up being peer pressured into roasting a pig for a bunch of white people in paper grass skirts and plastic lei, which will take away a lot of time from your virtual farming. And yes, they’ll probably invite the governor.
Spirit’s Eve
Unlike Christmas-adjacent pagan holidays, no one will bat an eye at an alternative Halloween. Just try not to make it sound too cool.
SquidFest
This one is the perfect balance of sounding like a real seafood-related event while also being just gross enough to deter further inquiries.
Flower Dance
Your friends will assume this is a fun springtime frolic, but they’ll have just enough fear of a Midsommar-type situation to not want any further involvement. Boom—now you’re free to completely fail to woo your favorite NPC.
Trout Derby
Listen, if the, “We’ve got weights in fish!” situation has taught us anything, it’s that fishing derbies are deadly serious. If you tell your brother that you can’t make it to his wife’s funeral because you’ve got a derby, he will nod at you with a grim countenance of recognition, say that he completely understands, and wish you luck. Willy would be proud.
