WASHINGTON — Multiple sources have confirmed that Master Xehanort, wielder of the No Name, has actually had his return rejected after trying to claim thirteen versions of himself as dependents.
“When I looked at Mister Xehanort’s 1040 form I noticed a few discrepancies,” said IRS agent, Tom Grouch, “First of all he claims to be self-employed with the job title of ‘Seeker of Darkness.’ I’m not even sure what that means. He tried to write off something called the ‘Replica Program’ as a business expense, and worst of all he’s claiming all these ‘vessels’ as dependents.”
Grouch noted that he struggled to make sense of the famed keyblade master’s tax forms, saying that the more answers he searched for, the more questions arose.
“Mr. Xehanort explained to me that these thirteen individuals all carry part of his heart and therefore they are like his children. However, he provided no evidence that he actually provides for these people, most of whom appear to be adults. A couple of them actually share his name, but when I asked if they were his children, Mr. Xehanort shook his head and told me one was his younger self and one was a boy he possessed who later severed his own heart to create two more of these individuals. It was at this point I started to suspect Mr. Xehanort may be up to something nefarious here.”
While Xehanort himself refused many outlets’ requests for comments, claiming he was too busy trying to forge the 𝑥-blade, one member of his Organization XIII weighed in.
“I don’t know what the old coot was even thinking. Did he really think that tax scheme was gonna work? As if,” chortled the one-eyed Xigbar while talking to reporters on the streets of The World That Never Was. “Tax fraud is a young man’s game anyways. But, hey, what do I know? It’d be different if I had a keyblade. Seems like it would be easy to unlock pretty much any jail cell with one of those. While we’re on the subject, if I were to engage in kidnapping, attempted murder, and child endangerment while working directly under the orders of my superiors, I’m in the clear, right?”
As of press time, Agent Grouch was seen sporting a new look of silvery white hair and bright orange eyes. He announced that the IRS had made a mistake and Mr. Xehanort is a model citizen who will be receiving his full refund.
