From a Pokémon’s perspective, life is bleak. Either humanity exploits your unique ability for their own bidding, or you become a pawn in some 10-year-old hero’s life changing journey. Existence is pain, and the developers of Pokémon make that clear with deliberate artistic choices. While evolution seems beneficial, behind the eyes we can see the rage being repressed from borderline animal abuse. This is a list of Pokémon evolutions that are just the first one but angrier.
Poliwhirl → Poliwrath
Poliwhirl grew fists and immediately delved into physical violence. What was once wide-eyed wonder evolved into a creatine-addicted alpha male who’s currently bulking. Shoulder day again? Maybe try therapy.
Fletchling → Fletchinder
The only thing lazier than making a Pokémon’s evolution angrier is making the Pokémon’s features pointier. “How do we visually convey Fletching’s progress in its life-cycle? Triangles, baby!”
Grimer → Muk
Grimer emits an unbridled joy that can only be experienced by a sentient mass of slime. Never has a Pokémon been this elated to simply be alive. The horror doesn’t truly set in until it realizes everything in its snail trail dies. Muk knows it is a walking cancer, unable to touch or be touched, unable to love or be loved, it squishes and sloshes its way through life resenting its very own consciousness.
Diglett → Dugtrio
How the fuck does this work? It’s just three of them now? Do they share a consciousness? Do they agree with each other’s core values? I’d be pissed too if there were two other me that I was suddenly responsible for. On the other hand we could start a kickass band.
Blitzle → Zebstrika
Sometimes a Pokémon’s anger is rooted in watching its world descend into chaos. Whether it be Team Rocket, Aqua, Magma, Galactic, Plasma, Flare, Yell, Star or Skull, there will always be evil in the world perpetuated by the mistreatment of Pokémon.
Mankey → Primeape
Mankey got a Prime sponsorship and is set to fight Evander Holyfeild before Logan Paul matches up against Mike Tyson.
Omanyte → Omastar
Omanyte fell into the wrong crowd. The once wide-eyed innocent cephalopode has gone off the deep end. Grappling with the fact that its existence is rooted in scientific endeavors has tormented its mind, sending the cute little guy down a spiral (get it?) of existentialism.
Krabby → Kingler
On occasion, the lack of creativity in the base product leads to an uninspired sequel. Krabby is a unique Pokémon with all the qualities and characteristics of a crab. So naturally, Kingler is a unique Pokémon that has all the qualities and characteristics of a bigger, angrier crab.
Cubone → Marowak
Cubone is a precious little orphan baby wearing the skull of its dead mother. That traumatic backstory perfectly translates to Morwak’s John Wick-esque passion for vengeance. If Detective Pikachu can be a successful Pokémon movie, then so can a brutal action-drama about Marowak hunting down its mother’s assassin.
Sandile → Krokorok
If a Pokémon could be a little stinker, it’d be Krokorok. Like a toddler who has just learned a temper tantrum can get them what they want, Krokorok will “Nu-uh!” its way to five more minutes until bedtime.
Koffing → Weezing
As a result of endlessly inhaling its own toxic fumes, a smaller, mutated Koffing begins to grow out of the back of Weezing’s head. Less like a Pokémon evolution and more like a James Wan horror movie.
Shinx → Luxio
After changing schools, Shinx got a new haircut and a new attitude. Much like a middle child in a family, the middle stage of a three-stage evolution family feels skipped over and forgotten. They often develop rebellious traits like angry eyes and pointy features all in the hope of becoming relevant. Nobody ever says middle evolutions are their favorite mainly for the fact that they aren’t as cute as the first one or as cool as the third. That’s some super villain origin story shit right there.
Ditto → Muk
How, in the original 151 Pokémon, can the developers think, “Let’s make a third pile of purple goo.”
Dishonorable Mentions
There’s always the other side of the coin, and to be honest, I don’t want this list to be a total bummer. These are the Pokémon evolutions that are just the first ones but happier.
Voltorb → Electrode
Voltorb is a jaded, pessimistic Pokémon sick and tired of being confused for a PokéBall. Was the PokéBall designed to mock Voltorb, or is spherical electric-type an ingredient in the Pokémon capturing technology? Thankfully, Electrode grows out of the recognizable red and white aesthetic in exchange for a more sophisticated white and red.
Chansey → Blissey
Chansey puts everyone else before itself. Painstakingly working with Nurse Joy in Poké Centers all across the region to keep the Pokémon of the world from ever dying. What could bring this selfless Pokémon even more joy than it already has? A head to toe Queer Eye makeover complete with a new hairstyle and completely overhauled wardrobe. Slay queen! You deserve it.
Bidoof → Bibarel
Some Pokémon seem too sentient for their own good. Are they capable of complex thought? Are they aware of the oppression instigated by the human race? On the contrary, there’s Bidoof. This empty-headed little dipshit could be entertained by a rock. Bibarel continues this feebleminded evolutionary line without a care in the world. We could learn from these airheaded beavers, enjoy the simple things in life.
