PHILADELPHIA — A Yu-Gi-Oh player arrived at his local tournament earlier today with a deck box and dreams of qualifying for nationals, only to stop in his tracks when it became clear no one else had brought a smutty, borderline pornographic playmat, sources report.
“I spent the days before the tournament netdecking, re-sleeving my old Ashes and Called Bys, heck, I blew over $50 on Triple Tactics and Mirrorjade alone,” said Ralph Ferro, a 21 year-old Yu-Gi-Oh veteran. “I’m feeling good, like this is my year. I’m finally gonna top locals in the world’s third most popular children’s card game. I sit down and start shuffling my deck, pull out my calculator, waiting for my opponent, you know, when I start to get these… looks.”
“At first I think crap, maybe I showed up the wrong day. Or maybe I misread the website, everyone has sleeves on their cards, maybe they’re here to play Flesh and Blood. But I look around, and I start to notice something: of all the players in the shop, no one else is using a disgusting, X-rated playmat in full view of children. That is, no one but me.”
“It’s silly, people are so sensitive these days,” continued Ferro. “Everyone’s a special snowflake. No one wants to see things that might shock them or make them think. No one wants to be ‘triggered’. No one wants to see Dark Magician Girl doing ahegao face while she’s spanked on her bare ass by a trio of Harpie Ladies in slutty maid outfits. I swear, you can’t show anything nowadays.”
Other players expressed discomfort when asked about Ferro’s choice of playmat, which typically depict iconic monsters such as Yugi’s Dark Magician or Seto Kaiba’s Blue-Eyes White Dragon in cool, dynamic poses with lots of clothing.
“It was really awkward,” reported one player who faced off against Ferro in her first round. “I mean, this is Yu-Gi-Oh. I expect a lot of men at locals to give unwanted advice or ask if I’m single. I expect exaggerated female characters on playmats and sleeves, especially with the popularity of Dragonmaids and Sky Strikers. What I’m less used to is seeing Dark Magician Girl’s breasts spill fully out of her lace bra while the Tour Guide from the Underworld worships her bare feet in the banish zone. When Ralph finally started filling up monster zones, I was relieved. I could’ve popped his field spell from turn two, but that would’ve meant looking at a Scapegoat with full T&A. No thank you.”
The owner of the store, Paul DeSilva, a casual player who has never understood Pendulum Zones and is too afraid to ask, was reported telling Ferro to put the mat away.
“It’s not like you need a mat to play Yu-Gi-Oh,” said DeSilva. “The only reason they exist is for new players to get their bearings and for veteran players to show off cool artwork for a hobby they love. Now, in my time owning this store, I’ve seen a lot of Dark Magician Girl smut. Dark Magician Girl doing things I know for a fact she wouldn’t do if she was real and not an awful, borderline unplayable card. It takes a lot to push my buttons. Ralph’s playmat managed to do that, so it had to go. You ever seen smut so audacious and unconcerned with anatomy that it skips right past being sexy and goes straight to scaring you? It was like that.”
“This is a kid’s card game, people. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, we love it too, but if you’re playing in public, there’s no need to expose children and tweens to these concepts. That’s what OCG Burstinatrix art is for.”
At press time, Ferro had reportedly agreed to use the other side of his playmat, which alongside labeling important information such as Pendulum and Extra Monster Zones, features unaltered artwork of the Melffy monsters gathered in the woods to enjoy a delicious picnic of assorted fruits.
