DENVER ー Gamers and critics alike bemoaned the lack of innovation in the faithful remake of a game they previously referred to as both “perfect” and “an all-time classic,” sources confirmed.
IGN Games Reviewer Hayleigh Ashok noted that while the game’s remake “provides a 1:1 recreation of everything we love about the original title” it also “fails to expand on that perfection by adding new components that simultaneously capture the old game’s spirit while rebuilding it brick-by-brick from the ground up.”
Younger gamers who missed out on the original title were equally up-in-arms about the remake’s lack of modernization.
“I get that this game is amazing and super fun,” said Syracuse freshman and Metacritic user Pssfacebeast, “but sometimes it just feels like I’m playing some old 16 bit-game with updated graphics. That thought makes me sick to my stomach.”
Cathodic Creations, the parent company of the remake’s dev team, responded to such criticisms swiftly and decisively by laying off 98% of its Montreal employees, denying all severance, and pulling the plug on several employee family members on life support. The CC executive board subsequently announced it would be rewarding itself with a sizable bonus for its efficacy and expediency in decision-making, in addition to celebrating the remake’s sales passing 3.8 million.
Cathodic Creations PR Spokesperson Wendell Perrin released a public statement to avow the company’s commitment to innovation:
“When building this remake, we worried that we might needlessly reinvent the wheel by changing too much. We feared we’d waste your precious time with meandering sidequests that serve no purpose beyond bloating an already overlong adventure to the point where we could justify splitting one story into three, Hobbit-style. But now we realize gamers have no precious time and that having hastily assembled scrap soldered onto the corpse of something you once loved provides you with something you enjoy more than any game: complaining online. We can only remain humble and grateful that regardless of any remake’s quality, your lack of self-control and obsessive desire to hoard plastic cases mean that you’ll buy it no matter what.”
