According to sources, a wave of unease fell over the crowd at Humboldt Park this afternoon when the hired entertainment at a child’s birthday party, a costumed Spider-Man performer, told everyone in attendance to “make some room.”
Local Spider-Man impersonator Jack Simpson boasted, “watch this, it’s really gonna make the kids go crazy,” before clearing a wide circle of 9-year olds to attempt with blind confidence some acrobatic feat it took the real Peter Parker months to learn.
“We were just hoping he’d show up, say a few catchphrases, and take pictures with the kids where you couldn’t see he was wearing running shoes,” said a solemn Ben McDaniels, who hired the entertainer. “But I’ve seen enough hastily shot cell phone footage of oddly proportioned men mashed into ill-fitting spandex to know where it was going once he told everyone to step back.”
But not every party guest lacked belief. Birthday boy Davey McDaniels had not been exposed to hours long compilations of men with Spidey suits and no regard for safety giving themselves permanent back issues by trying flips, wall climbs, and web swings.
“Spider-Man said he needed our help with the Green Goblin and then did a flip but he hit his head and he didn’t get back up and then my dad said we had to go to a different part of the park until the other Avengers could come help him.”
At press time, Simpson was rushed to an area hospital where he was treated for his third concussion this month.
