After a series of troubling and abysmal interviews, including one with his very own brother, I thought I would just go for the gold and call Mario. I had nothing to lose, and somehow, he agreed! I couldn’t believe my good fortune. Mario is Michael Jordan, John Wayne and Chef Boyardee all rolled into one. A true once in a lifetime talent, his athleticism and heroism are matched only by his charisma. This one had to go well, right?
I met Mario on a street corner. No more restaurants, no more alleys. We’re doing this stuff in public from now on, I’d decided. I gotta lay down some rules. I think Duke Nukem pissed on me last time.
Mario was in a great mood. He’s got a billion dollar movie and a new game coming out. I appreciated him just taking the time to meet me. This was the one that wouldn’t end horribly! I could just tell! He asked me to meet him in a small town he’s renting a home in. He’s asked me not to tell you where it is. (It’s in Indiana)
Mario: Hey, it’s-a Hard Drive! I love-a you guys.
Hard Drive: Whoa, really? That’s so cool. I mean, I know we had this interview set up and everything, but I was a little worried you wouldn’t be the biggest fan of ours. We make all those jokes about you.
Mario: I love them all!
Hard Drive: We’ve also depicted you without clothing on several occasions.
Mario: I did not-a know about that!
Hard Drive: All very tasteful. For the sake of some pretty good bits, I might add.
Mario: I would-a expect nothing less from-a Hard Drive! I remember when you guys-a made Elon Musk-a so mad, they wrote about it in Newsweek.
Hard Drive: Yeah, haha, that was fun.
~~~
We’re stopped by some adoring fans. They apologize and say they wouldn’t normally do this, but The Super Mario Bros Movie has just hit streaming and everyone in town seems to have watched it. Mario is a sport. He smiles for pictures and signs every piece of memorabilia given to him. Only when every fan is satisfied does our interview resume. He mutters something under his breath that I pretend not to hear.
~~~
Mario: All my damn life-a with this shit.
Hard Drive: What’s that?
Mario: Nothing! Mamma mia! Yahoo! Hahaha let’s go find Yoshi, okay?
Hard Drive: Oh cool, I love Yoshi!
~~~
Mario blindfolds me and whacks me on the head one time for good measure before taking me to his secret Yoshi pen. We ride Yoshi’s and chase each other and laugh and basically live out every fantasy I ever had when I used to play Super Mario World on the Super Nintendo Entertainment System back in my youth.
At one point, while we’re soaring through the air on Yoshi’s, chucking shells at each other (in a playful way), Mario looked at me and asked the question every young boy dreams of him asking him one day.
Mario: Say, Mark, do you want to be the new Luigi?
Hard Drive: What? Are you serious?
Mario: Yes. You met him. He’s-a scared shitless of everything he sees, hears, or thinks about. He’s getting worse, too. I have to do it. You will-a grow a mustache, and we will get you a nice set of-a overalls.
Hard Drive: Wow, do you mean it?
Mario: Yes! You’re going to be my new-a best friend! Yahoo!
With that Mario urged his Yoshi to kick it into a higher gear, and he encouraged me to keep up. I gently dug my heels into my Yoshi like Mario, my new best friend, partner, and maybe brother (?) had showed me, but nothing happened. The Yoshi just froze in mid-air. And then the storm cloud suddenly appeared, directly over my head. Thunder roared and soon a hellacious downpour sent me and my Yoshi plummeting down into… Piss Alley?!
Sorry, dear readers. It’s time to snap back to reality. I actually have just described the dream I had while I laid in that alley with Duke Nukem last week. I managed to make it back to my apartment, and I’ve been here recovering all week, but I simply didn’t have time to track down a whole new interview for this Saturday. Wouldn’t that have been swell, though? To speak to the actual Mario? I sure think so. Anyway I got pretty sick when I passed out in that alley, since it was cold and I got rained on all night. I feel awful. Check back next week to see how I’m holding up!
