CHICAGO — A local couple who had been getting along fine rediscovered all of the things they hate about each other after playing a single round of a new board game, sources confirm.
“It wouldn’t have been a problem at all if he hadn’t cheated,” said Eliza Ford, referring to her boyfriend’s deceptive-yet-legal strategy that resulted in her defeat. “I told him, like, five times that I didn’t want to play with him if he was going to take it so seriously. I don’t see what would be so bad about letting me win.”
On the contrary, Ford’s boyfriend Tyler Bell noted that he was glad that the couple had finally renewed their long-dormant domestic strife.
“It’s such a relief,” said Bell, who was typing “unbeatable board game strategies” into Google. “I thought we had gotten into some kind of rut where we would just love and understand each other forever, without constantly falling into petty conflicts. I don’t know how to have that kind of relationship. No one in my family is like that. As soon as Eliza agreed to play with me as long as I would take it easy on her, I was looking up YouTube videos about foolproof tactics. I’m just a born winner.”
Phillip Doyle, a mutual friend of the couple who hosts a weekly board game night, said he was flabbergasted when he heard they tried to play a new game.
“I can’t believe they’re still doing that,” said Doyle, who noted that the couple stopped attending his gatherings after their repeated conflicts became too disruptive to the rest of the group. “I was hoping they had stopped showing up because they realized that they just can’t engage in competition, like, at all. They should really try a co-op game or something. That might be the only thing that could save their relationship at this point.”
At press time, the couple had reportedly broken up after taking Doyle’s advice and trying to play Overcooked together.
