THE HOLLOW DIMENSION OF FORGOTTEN SOULS — A final boss was reportedly left gasping and unprepared for battle after a speedrunner mashed through their pre-fight dialogue as quickly as possible, sources have confirmed.
“Well I guess the prick didn’t want to hear what I had to say,” said Lord Sellsworthe, the Pain God, wiping their brow with a towel in the locker room after the speed runner turned off the video game last night. “That was crazy. I have my whole rant that I do, about the runes and the elders, and sometimes people go through it a little quicker than others, that’s no big deal. But that guy figured out how to make me say it faster than I ever have in my life. What the hell was that? He, like, ducked three times in a row and suddenly I was ranting like an asshole. No way he heard what I said at all.”
Unbeknownst to him, Lord Sellsworthe had fallen victim to a bug that allows players to fast forward through certain cutscenes in the game if the right series of commands are inputted.
“I just don’t know how I’m expected to keep up,” continued Lord Sellsworthe, the Pain God, after falling in combat just seven seconds into the fight. “I’m all disoriented and this fucker knows magic! He sunk through the ground and suddenly teleported behind me and was stabbing me in the ass. How was any of that a fair fight?”
As of press time, Sellsworthe, the Pain God had to rush back to work after someone else booted up the video game somewhere.
