MUSHROOM KINGDOM — A local paratroopa that works the steps outside the castle at the end of level 3-2 has reportedly developed a concerning parasocial relationship with Bowser, coworkers have reported.
“Laugh about the word play all you want,” said Andre, a goomba that’s worked with the paratroopa at 3-2 for over 30 years. “But it’s unhealthy how much he talks about Bowser, and what Bowser said yesterday, or what Bowser probably thinks about some new movie that’s coming out. I’m like, ‘Bro, Bowser would chuck your carcass at Mario in a heartbeat if he thought it would help him get ahead in traffic.’ Not sure how he doesn’t see that.”
According to experts, parasocial relationships are at an all-time high.
“You see it all the time,” said Michelle Thorpe, a sociologist that focuses on parasocial relationships. “Whether it be politicians, billionaires, or giant fire breathing dragon men that are constantly harassing the innocent women of the Mushroom Kingdom, people convince themselves that these are people not only worth looking up to, but that they are practically friends, and the fact that they haven’t met yet is merely a technicality. It’s pretty sad. Just because you watched Bowser’s new show on Twitter doesn’t mean he gives a fuck about you, ya know?”
Still however, the paratroopa insists his relationship with Bowser is healthy.
“I’m very realistic about my relationship with Bowser,” said the paratroopa, defending himself against the claims of an unhealthy fixation. “Everyone has hobbies, and mine just happen to include reading about Bowser, talking about Bowser, buying anything Bowser makes, and interaction with everything he does on social media. It’s not that different from liking a sports team or something. It’s just that I like Bowser. I really think we’d be friends if he ever reads one of my replies.”
As of press time, the paratroopa had sent his last 50 coins to Bowser after reading his latest chain email.
