HYRULE — Actor Mark Wahlberg is facing criticism after saying that he could have prevented the revival of Demon King Ganondorf if he had been present beneath Hyrule Castle during a recent exploration.
“If I was in that cave with the princess, it wouldn’t have went down like it did,” said Wahlberg, who added that he used to have a Triforce tattoo before having it removed. “There would have been a lot of blood in that mysterious cavern and then me saying, ‘OK, we’re going to learn more about the Zonai, don’t worry.’”
Captain Hoz, the authority in charge of monster control in post-Upheaval Hyrule, characterized Wahlberg’s statement as more than simply insensitive.
“Of course his words are hurtful to everyone who has been affected by these tragic events,” said Hoz, who gave the statement as he was marching slowly toward a Bokoblin encampment, glancing over his shoulder expectantly. “But his words were thoughtless in more ways than one. How exactly did he plan on fighting Ganondorf? He wields neither the Master Sword nor the Light Arrows that allow a warrior to counter Ganon’s evil. Unless he’s hiding a previously unknown piece of the Triforce up his Wahlburger, I think he would be better off sticking to being a pretend hero in the pictures.”
Despite the near universal criticism of the actor’s comments, Boston resident Sean Fitzpatrick defended Wahlberg.
“I think Marky Mark had a good point,” said Fitzpatrick. “They’re gonna send some blond kid down these secret tunnels to protect a princess? Nah, you gotta go with a Boston guy. We get, like, a bonus or whatever when we’re underground ‘cause of the Big Dig. Plus, that Ganondorf guy looks pretty ethnic, which activates Mark’s berserker mode. It’s Walhlberg in one, no chance.”
At press time, Wahlberg was reportedly seeking a pardon for a Cucco harassment charge springing from an unrelated incident in 1998.
