COLUMBUS, Ohio — Desperately protecting himself from spoilers for the latest season of Succession, Jared Bernhardt reportedly shielded his ears all night as his friends neglected to signal the conclusion of their spoiler-ridden conversation.
“Sure, my arms were on fire after the third hour of covering my ears, but I couldn’t take any chances,” said Bernhardt, clasping his hands over his ears. “I’ve had countless shows spoiled for me, and I refuse to let it happen again. You never really know when a spoiler is coming — I remember the beauty of hearing my baby boy’s first words, but in hindsight I feel like an ignorant fool as I was completely vulnerable to the possibility of him blurting out a spoiler.”
According to witnesses, Bernhardt’s friends expressed increasing concern for him as the night progressed.
“We were done discussing spoilers after like three minutes,” confirmed Bernhardt’s lifelong friend Wayne Mercado. “But then we spent hours trying to get him to move his hands. We tried all kinds of gestures, but he just kept asking if we were messing with him. We even wrote ‘SPOILER TALK DONE’ on a piece of paper and tried showing him, but he just shut his eyes and turned away in fear. He’s like a sheltered dog whose trust has been broken one too many times. I pray that someday he’ll trust again.”
Bernhardt’s boss, electrician Lydia Fuller, was reportedly livid when she received complaints of Bernhardt installing light fixtures at clients’ homes using only his mouth, since his hands were occupied.
“I tried to fire him, but it’s impossible when he can’t hear what I’m saying,” confirmed Fuller. “So I must rely on my fallback plan of hiring a full-time spoiler bodyguard to follow Jared on the job. He is trained in hand-to-hand combat and ready to neutralize any perceived threats. With luck, this arrangement will suffice until Jared is caught up all the way.”
At press time, Bernhardt was furious at himself after witnessing an old man die, allowing his brain to consider the possibility that Logan Roy could die too during the final season of Succession.
