SALEM CENTER, N.Y. — Citing state budget cuts and low enrollment, founder of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters Charles Xavier has begun beaming Arby’s ads directly into students’ brains.
“We’re facing a funding issue across all fields, we had no choice but to take a corporate sponsor,” Professor Xavier said. “Arby’s was kind enough to step in and provide new textbooks and sports equipment in exchange for every student’s thoughts to be preempted by a 30-second video touting Arby’s new Beef and Cheese Delight sandwich thanks to my telekinetic mutation.”
Future superheroes attending the school have mixed feelings about the mental advertisements.
“Look, I love this school, and I’d do anything to keep it open for misunderstood kids like myself, but I was flying through the air at 121 miles an hour trying to think of how to adjust my body to land when suddenly my mind shut off completely to show me the new price drop of a roast beef sandwich,” said X-Man team member Angel. “It’s nice that we have this new school supplies thanks to the fast food chain, but on the other hand, most of my dreams are now Arby’s related.”
Arby’s CEO Paul Brown claimed every mutant would eventually be given a role in furthering Arby’s mission.
“Arby’s is proud to be a primary sponsor of the premiere superhero training schools,” Brown said. “We plan on figuring out a way that each legendary X-Man can serve the Arby’s brand. From having Gambit whip kinetically-charged Meat Mountains at evildoers to utilizing Wolverine’s adamantium claws to slice juicy, razor-thin roast beef for sandwiches, we believe everyone has an important part to play.”
At press time, sources reported that Arby’s was gearing up to ink another lucrative sponsorship with the X-Men, using Professor Xavier’s Cerebro machine to project an Arby’s video into every mind in the nation during next year’s Super Bowl.
